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[08 Sep 2008|01:03am] |
I've lived in this town for over a year now. I have not made one friend. I haven't met a person that I really want as a friend. I've met people I wouldn't mind as friends, sure. I've enjoyed hanging out and talking to a few people. But I have not related to a person really well at all. I guess I haven't expected to. That takes more time than I've been willing to put into it.
I wonder if I met my friends down south today what I would think of them. What would they think of me? Would we see in each other the possibility of a meaningful friendship? In fact, do we even still have a meaningful friendship? With some the answer is clearly yes. Modern methods of communication make the physical distance a much smaller factor than it would have been just 20 years ago. For others it's not so clear, though. We can blame physical distance for our lack of communication, but my frequent communication with others shows that that is really no excuse. Do we just have nothing to say to each other anymore? Many of my friends are just as unlikely as I am to pick up a phone to call somebody without some clear specific question or information to pass on. I think I answer my phone 10 times more often than I make a call myself. So many of my friends I used to talk to weekly or even daily I now only hear from every couple months or even less often. The number of people I talk to with any regularity is smaller than five.
Despite this, I have rarely felt lonely, and haven't really thought about or concerned myself with it much at all.
I should have learned by now not to drink coffee after the sun goes down.
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[08 Sep 2008|12:36am] |
Every single night since this semester started, I have dreamed that a person or more often, a group of people are planning or attempting to either beat the shit out of me or kill me.
I'm sure there is some really obvious psychological significance, but I'd rather not think about it.
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[08 Sep 2008|12:08am] |
Seriously, who gives a shit about a commercial? Why is this front page news?
I think I need to bury my head in the sand for a while. I'm going a little crazy.
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[04 Sep 2008|08:41pm] |
This is how low we've gotten.
I'm just really disgusted and depressed by my country right now. Seems to happen every four years.
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[02 Sep 2008|11:59pm] |
Hmm, don't know how I missed this.
Oh yeah, I don't have TV and didn't care about the olympics.
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[02 Sep 2008|12:43pm] |
I had this dream that I went on a jungle adventure. There were like five of us, and we went through the densest jungle, climbed rock walls, and killed a tiger. I might have been with Indiana Jones, though really that could have been any grizzled old man.
After that, I went to Erik's house to play board games and he lived in this huge rich person house and when I went to use the toilet I got in a knife fight.
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[01 Sep 2008|12:09pm] |
I really want to keep politics out of this journal (I don't), but it's just so hard, especially now that we've got someone so fucking dumb in the spotlight.
Q: Are you offended by the phrase “Under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance? Why or why not?
Sarah Palin: Not on your life. If it was good enough for the founding fathers, its good enough for me and I’ll fight in defense of our Pledge of Allegiance
That's not even a scratch on the surface. I said that these last three elections have been like driving past a multiple car pile up for months. I think a plane just crashed into the whole thing. The more I read about this woman, the more I laugh.
Seriously, best election ever. First Ron Paul, and now this. Thanks, Republicans, I really needed cheering up.
I should have entered politics. Apparently you don't have to know or do shit.
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[31 Aug 2008|11:24pm] |
Since I've been so full of anger and hate lately, I thought I'd do something nice. So here are a bunch of pictures that sum up pretty well why I'm proud to be a citizen of the U.S.A. aka the greatest country on earth.
Oh but there's a game. One picture is not from America at all. It's pretty obvious if you pay attention.
( Really, America rules )
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[31 Aug 2008|05:03pm] |
Here's one more. I've put this up before, but every time I see it, I become hypnotized.
It is this.
Now, about that homework.
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[31 Aug 2008|04:14pm] |
I've been spending too much time watching music videos and live performances on youtube.
Since I can't concentrate on homework right now, and I've got nothing to say, here are some I liked.
If that's excessive, too bad.
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[31 Aug 2008|02:47pm] |
Wow I feel pretty amazing right now. Pretty amazing meaning just about normal. But after the last 4 days, normal is amazing.
Sorry for being such a little bitch lately. I'm sure I'll have reason to celebrate soon enough.
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[29 Aug 2008|08:01pm] |
Oh this is ridiculous. I ordered two books from different people on the Amazon marketplace. One book is Physics for Scientists and Engineers the other Discrete Mathematics and its Applications. I have been unable to do homework for those classes until the books arrive, naturally. So when I received a package today I got a little happy. I opened it up and pulled out Living Literature: Using Children's Literature to Support Reading and Language Arts.
What in the ever living fuck? I swear before the next two weeks are over I will have gone crazy. This is not something I can deal with right now.
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[29 Aug 2008|02:59pm] |
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I am in so much pain. It is making me want to die.
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[29 Aug 2008|07:48am] |
My parents have had really bad luck lately. In July, during a camping trip, their car was broken into. Some cash and a camera was taken. Later that month, my mom's identity was stolen, something like twelve hundred dollars taken from her bank account. She was able to get that back, but not without a hassle. A couple days ago while they were at work, their house was broken into. Some jewelry and an mp3 player was taken. The thief left all the other electronics and computers, went through the medicine cabinet, but didn't take any of the drugs.
After all three of these events, my mom says that the cops they talked to were assholes. The cop who came to their house got black fingerprinting dust on his boots and tracked it everywhere. He didn't apologize. Possibly didn't even notice. It's incredibly difficult to clean it up, apparently. The dog and cat have turned gray.
I was thinking about that dream I woke up from this morning. It's really sad that the entities I fear and hate the most in this world are my own country's, state's and city's governments and their hired extortionists, the police. We're not in the fucking dark ages anymore. We ought to be past this kind of thing.
Well okay, I don't really hate the city government that much. Maybe that's just because I haven't lived here long enough. They do have some policies which I think are total bullshit, though. I'll probably hate them before I leave.
I'm in a rotten mood. I have been ever since I got sick.
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[29 Aug 2008|06:05am] |
I was having a dream that was completely normal. I was just walking to campus with my roommate, talking about normal bullshit. Then a cop walked by us. I felt a tug on my shirt and heard "Up against the wall, asshole." Before I could react, I woke up in pain. A terrible headache, pain in my abdomen, shivering, cold. Lately it has been so hot that I sleep under a thin, cotton sheet only, but I had to get my winter blanket. That wasn't enough. I took some aspirin and drank some water, but I could not get back to sleep. I don't feel as bad as I did a couple hours ago, but still pretty awful. I'd like to stay home from class today, but that's really not an option. It's not like I'm going to be able to pay attention and learn anything anyway.
This body is a piece of shit. I want a new one.
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[27 Aug 2008|07:22pm] |
One might think that getting chills wouldn't suck so much when it's 107 degrees outside. One would be wrong.
I'm feeling better now, though. A good meal and a nap can do amazing things.
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[26 Aug 2008|10:30pm] |
Physically I feel like shit. My whole body has that achy feeling I always associate with the color blue. The feeling I get as a horrible sickness comes on. I had better get over this quickly. This feeling in the past has always indicated the onset of a sickness the likes of which I haven't had in years. I think my body wants me to fail. Maybe I want me to fail.
I need a body massage and a hot tub. Tomorrow I'll buy myself some soup.
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[26 Aug 2008|05:51pm] |
New semester. Thoughts and observations two days in:
Buying textbooks is everybody's favorite part of school. I got off alright though, through a combination of buying used books on line, generous people, and simply opting not to buy my computer science text. I thought I was going to get off super light on my physics book, which is this $180 asshole brick of a book we're supposed to lug around for 3 semesters. Only this is the last semester my school will be using it, so it will be completely useless to me come December. Being that it is uncomfortably large, I know a guy who had his unbound and 3 hole punched so he could carry only the sections he needed around. He gave me the section I need, so for the price of a 3 ring binder (four bucks) I get to avoid buying and carrying the thing. Except it turned out to be a different asshole brick of a book than I need, so I still need to buy that fucker. Buying used is usually pretty good, except they rarely list the edition number, so I'm always worried about getting hosed.
Still, I'll probably get away with spending less than $250 on books this semester, which is pretty good. The goodness is blunted by the fact that I have to buy two of these damned classroom clickers. I am really unhappy about that. The physics department doesn't like the model that the University chose to be the standard, so I have to buy a separate one just for that class.
This wouldn't be a problem if I had money. Solution: Get money.
Here are some interesting numbers.
Physics: 5:48
Calculus: 4:31
Discrete Math: 1:34
Computer Science: 4:44
Those are the female:male ratios of students who showed up to my classes. This is at a school in which the entire student population is 55% female. Now, I never intended to pick up any nerd girls in my nerd classes, but this still bothers me only because it seems to reinforce the stereotype about women, math and science. Also, it was funny but sad to hear the room fall silent and watch 30 nerds all stare at the one girl when she entered the room this morning.
While I am looking forward to my classes, I can't say I don't regret not applying myself more when I was younger and going to a better school. Oops.
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[26 Aug 2008|01:32pm] |
Throughout my life, occasionally I will decide to try to stop thinking in words. It does not happen without great difficulty, but practice does make it possible. It is great when I am feeling selfish. My thoughts exist in a more pure form which I understand better. Ideas connect easier, things become clear. Language seems to muddy thoughts.
The downside, I feel, is a diminished ability to articulate even simple things. When I speak or write, my language is awkward and imprecise. People misinterpret the things I say. I wish I had some way to convey ideas without words. Art and music do this to some degree, but I am terrible at creating either, and they seem more suited toward expressing emotion rather than concepts or logic.
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barrios's journal