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Four things greater than all things are, Women and Horses, and Power and War.

Rudyard Kipling

***
Down the river drifts an axe
From the town of Byron.
Let it float by itself -
Fucking piece of iron!!!

***
Starlet's fallen from the heavens
Right into my boyfriend's briefs.
I don't mind his roasted penis
If it helps us live in peace.

God was talking to Adam one day when Adam begins to lament. "God I'm lonely, I need a companion?"

God replies, "Adam, I have the perfect person for you, she's beautiful, she's generous, and she'll be yours forever"

Adam, excited about the news begins to thank God over and over. "Sound great, but then stops and asks God, "Wait a minute, how much is she going to cost me?"

"An arm and a leg," God replied jokingly.

"That's pretty steep" said Adam, "What can I get for a rib?"

I heard on the news last night that Bill Gates and his wife are expecting a baby in June.
I'm betting the baby will be late.

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.
The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

Then the German doctor bragged, "That''s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."

What does a lion call a antelope?
Fast food.

Russian Prison Tattoos

Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

The organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against
us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and
the lager.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".
In the 1-st year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k".
This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3-rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" in the language is disgraseful and they should go away.
By the 4-th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze 5-z year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis 5-z yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!
AND ZEN VE VIL TAK AL OVER ZE VORLD!!!

Teacher: Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'analyze' in it?
Chet: Anna said she met U2 at a concert, but Anna lies.

Музыка: Квартал - Парамарибо

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."

Музыка: Трилистник - Гуй Дибалон

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."

Музыка: Квартал - Парамарибо

Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him,
"Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."
Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"
The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

George Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoliza Rice: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, Sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, Sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, Sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, Sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, Sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, Sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China!
Condi: Yes, Sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China and the Middle East.

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A man met a friend in the street and asked him to lend him five pounds. The friend did so willingly.
A week later they met again. "You've lent me £5. Lend me another £5, and I'll owe you £10," the friend said. The man did so.
A few days later they met again, and the friend said, "You lent me £10. Lend me another £10, and then I'll owe you £20." The man did this, although he was rather doubtful about doing it.
Two weeks later the friend asked for more money. "You've already lent me £20. Can you make it £50?" he said.
The man did not answer for a few seconds, but he was unable to refuse.
A month later, the two men met again. "You've lent me £50...," began the friend.
"Who? Me?" answered the man anxiously. "I disagree! I've never lent you any money!"