out of the ash
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Wednesday, July 2, 2008
2:35PM - a semi-annual update
in honor of this great nation's birth, i've decided to post a celebratory update.
once again, casa de quirk will be hitting the road for a town near you. this year, that town happens to be hightstown, nj. we'll be signing a lease saturday on a 2br condo, and never again will i have to put pants on just to do a load of laundry.
the move coincides with what i hope will not become known as "the annual changing of the jobs." i start my brand new bag in freehold on the 14th, and james follows a week later with his new gig in the magical land of secaucus. as for me, i am giving publishing one more shot--if it is possible for me to be happy in publishing, by all rights it should be in a converted schoolhouse working on books about dogs. if i am wrong, it's time to try something else.
i am used to periods of tremendous upheaval by now--but growing weary of it. i'm also a bit wary of the large outlay of cash this new enterprise requires. we would also very much like to accommodate a new car, living room furniture (i won't say "new" since technically we don't have any at the moment), and a spinning wheel by year's end. specifically a lendrum dt with a woolie winder, if anyone's jotting this down out there. ahem, santa.
so here we go again. huzzah for not commuting to nyc anymore. huh freakin' zah.
Friday, May 9, 2008
2:25PM - missives from the void
still here, people ... though i soon may switch over to blogger and an entirely different sort of journaling ...
am i the sort of person who needs to be in a state of constant flux? or is that just the way life's turning out? i admit i'm easily and quickly bored, but it would be nice to log more than a couple years at a job, renew an apartment lease FOR ONCE. james and i had high hopes that clifton might be the town where we took a breather and just stabilized for a while. that may not happen.
it should be no secret that we're not crazy about this move. the apt. has its pros, as do the jobs, but none are worth settling for. so we keep looking--for more money, cheaper rent, less congestion--we're not committed to nj, but it's gonna be hard to break out in the short term. we each have ideas, some balls in the air at the moment (james's are much hairier, with a sort of gruyere smell), but i'm not the type to blab until there's something solid.
meanwhile, i'm still freelancing to feed my yarn problem, i have not one but two amazing pussycats, and my classes at NYU are going well (A in copyediting, as if you needed to ask). we bought a much nicer TV off an even nicer friend, which is larger than 12" AND the volume doesn't fluctuate! i still don't see the point in paying for cable, mind you, but movies are a much better experience, and james seems to like it for the PS3 (an early anniversary present. shit. i hope i didn't just jinx that).
what is solid is the two of us. i couldn't have made a better choice in a life mate, and yes, i'm including the doctors and lawyers in there. at the end of the day, i have a best friend who's a whole lot of fun, understands my ridiculous nature, and is the hottest thing i've seen. all in all, we're doing okay. and things are only going to get better. busier, but better.
Monday, January 7, 2008
2:34PM - because i'm sick of miki dora
i've had just about enough of this 500-page surfer bio.
it's fairly quiet in the office today, even though everyone's officially back from whatever holiday vacation i didn't take. i spent yesterday with my sister and niece, checking out some of clifton's attractions, i.e., the childrenswear centre (hella ghetto) and corrado's market (awesome). i can't emphasize how awful the former was. ninety-seven-cent shirts boasting the most unconvincing approximations of dora and pooh i've ever seen, looking like they'd been embroidered by one-eyed, one-armed chimps who'd had a bit too much vodka. counterbalanced by fifty-dollar rocawear and baby phat parkas dripping with faux gold. for babies. i asked my sister innocently, why would they sell these things? here? people who shop at such places usually fall into the ninety-seven-cent avocado-pooh shirt economic stratus. but apparently this is a whole other, delicate, and disturbing cultural facet which I have yet to understand. the we're poor but our toddlers wear sean john facet.
corrado's, as always, was mobbed beyond my personal space requirements, but we managed to fill a shopping cart anyway, with italian cookies, a spinach/feta roll from the bakery, pierogies, and phyllo-wrapped shrimp--a true multicultural smorgasbord. then we drove back to my apt. to look for puppy dogs, dance to gnarls barkley, and--for a certain small someone not myself--drop a massive stinky load.
the shrimp were surprisingly tasty, for the frozen canape variety.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
1:17PM - just a blip
from the void ... not ready to delete this thing, so i guess i should say something every once in a while ...
today is 6 months that i've been at the new job. a mixed bag, really, but i'm still much more interested in where this leads than what it is. if that makes sense. if i'm going to stay in publishing, i think i should stay here. if i'm not, then i've got a lot of planning to do, during which i might as well pay my rent.
clifton is most definitely not where james or i want to put down roots, but i can deal with it for now. we need more space, and as james has pointed out on numerous (okay, endless) occasions, north jersey has in fact gotten far more crowded than when i last lived here (4 years ago?). believe it.
have begun putting out feelers for more freelance clients, and i'm getting them. this could open doors to all sorts of possibilities for the future, including working from home at least part-time. or saving for a house.
i am hoping and praying for a relaxing, drama-free christmas. i hope everyone can just enjoy being in one another's company and put everything else aside. i hope no one is sick or in pain. i hope no one is in jail. i hope my niece has a wonderful day surrounded by the family she loves, and my mother-in-law as well. i hope we can remember that, awesome presents aside, this time of year is not about stuff. i really would give up all the stuff for a few solid hours of laughing my ass off with my families.
that said, yarn is nice too.
happy holidays to everyone! i will not be on vacation until january, as i have been for x years, but congrats to those who are!
Thursday, July 12, 2007
9:45AM - Boar-Mate
I must share my discovery of the existence of Boar-Mate, mentioned in one of the books I am editing. This is a commercially available hormone spray used to ease the artificial insemination of sows.
Naturally, I had to Google this, as I did when I learned of the indispensable product Poop Freeze. However, unlike Poop Freeze, I could find no retail site.
What I did find were several blogs by human men who have tried Boar-Mate, either out of curiosity or in the hopes of luring a mate. [Women: of course they did.]
Now, I may not have been your average bar-hopping party girl, but to my knowledge I've never been drawn to the scent of pig-funk.
I also read of something called the Bruce effect, in which a female mouse will spontaneously abort her litter in the prolonged proximity of a strange, unfamiliar male mouse.
All I could think was, poor Bruce, whoever he may be. No one will want to be around him now that an effect has been named after him...
Monday, August 14, 2006
9:08PM - Still Alive
sorry i have not had the energy or inspiration to post in ... oh ... 5 months. i suppose i haven't had much to say, which is to say i've been working, working, trying to hold my head above water, save money, plan a wedding, and not go insane.
highlights of the summer, etc., include a recreational trip to baltimore in may, my 28th birthday in june, a grand trip to florida to introduce the fiance to my mother's family (which by the way was james's first real plane flight), the magnificent garden state cat show and sean's birthday hibachi extravaganza, jessie's ultracool 4D sonogram and subsequent marathon heat wave baby shower, and my first lesbian wedding. then there's been all our wedding stuff. argh.
the fall should be busy and fun, with more weddings and poetry festivals and sheep & wool festivals ... and best of all, my very own niece!
and all you rowan people—and you know who you are—i'm sorry we didn't make it to laura's friday night. i admit it was my fault. i took a rush freelance job, and that was basically my weekend. : (
Sunday, March 5, 2006
12:03AM - i can't believe i'm awake right now, or the wedding manifesto part 1
why yes, it is over a month since my last post. and yes, it is way past my bedtime (if your immediate response is "what? on a saturday?" you either don't know me or haven't hung out with me in 7+ years).
the fact is, i am too bloated with deep fried fish parts to sleep, plus i am still hopped up on the excitement of First Day Schlepping Around to Wedding Joints. this was actually james's idea, which i must credit him with publicly, because it is one of the reasons i love him. was it because that's what he really wanted to do with his day, or because he thought it would make me happy? doesn't. matter.
what became evident to me was that we aren't going to automatically agree on everything; we both have some pretty different visions of what would be ideal. also: we are fucking poor. we have slightly over a year to save up as much as we possibly can, which will be hard with all our expenses/debts/etc. and if you are assuming anyone other than the two of us is financing this shindig, see parenthetical statement in line 1 above.
so i saw one place i loved, but if we pay for it entirely ourselves, we'll be able to invite ... 4 people! just thinking of all the planning, and things that could go wrong, and people's expectations (and they all have them), and details ... makes me want to elope.
i really wish everyone i've been talking to would get it into their heads that i do not want to do anything that is in any way conventional, traditional, expected, predictable, ostentatious, sexist, catholic, materialistic, ghetto, large, or involved. no white gown. no veil. no cheesy favors. no conga line. no bouquet toss, garter belt, or annoying bald deejay named vic. no shellacked sausage curls sproinging out from either side of my plastered-down updo. no limo, no fucking church. no tuxes, no color theme, no live doves, ice sculptures, chocolate fountains, or any of an endless stream of bullshit now being force-fed to me by each and every wedding website, magazine, and planner i skim.
american women: you are seriously being scammed.
what's left, you ask? well, i could list the myriad creative/unique/personal touches i hope to employ, or i could leave you with the following two words, which i feel sum up my general attitude toward the whole thing right now:
red shoes.
Friday, January 27, 2006
4:36PM - Ooh! Bad girl!
It's 4:30 on a Friday, and I just spent the last 8 hours of my life (plus the 3 work days prior) carefully editing Adrienne Barbeau's forthcoming memoir. So I deserve a post dammit.
After work Ima go check out The Point downtown--a supposedly awesome yarn shop where Kristie has purchased me fine woollen goods. They have a workshop I'd like to sign up for.
Beyond this, I am just trying to keep my ahead above water in the face of SAD, the living sitch, the money sitch, and nonstop job stress and coughing. I need to do a million things to better my future, such as save more money and be more responsible, etc., but perspective is hard these days. I will try to focus more on resisting the urge to self-medicate and procrastinate.
Thursday, January 5, 2006
9:27AM - Books Read 2005
Pathetic, I know. But I'm looking at it this way: That's two consecutive years I tracked my reading, which is something I've always thought I should do. In lame defense of the book-a-monthness, I did read many things not listed here because I never finished them. That counts toward something besides an impatient nature, doesn't it?
F= fiction N= nonfiction + = didn't like it ++++ = loved it
1. A Brief History of 1917: Russia’s Year of Revolution (R. Bainton) N ++
2. Zelda (N. Milford) N +
3. Diary of a Mad Housewife (S. Kaufman) F +++
4. God’s Callgirl (C. Van Raay) N ++
5. Birds Without Wings (L. de Bernieres) F ++++
6. Writing With Intent (M. Atwood) N ++
7. Painted Shadow (C. Seymour Jones) N +
8. The Cathars (S. Martin) N +
9. In Our Hearts We Were Giants (E. Negev) N ++++
10. Mystics, Mavericks, and Merrymakers (S. Levine) N ++
11. The Cruel Mother (S. Busby) N +++
12. I Remember Running (D. Wakefield) N ++
Thursday, September 8, 2005
8:27PM - selfish, terrible me
sorry, but this is probably the only way friends/acquaintances/random nosy strangers are going to hear from me anytime soon.
somehow, i have been in my new position almost 2 weeks. nevermind it feels like 2 minutes. here is a synopsis of some of the bigger things that have changed:
1. i am no longer leaving at 5 on the dot; i'm lucky if i'm out by 6. this is not a company mandate. rather, i look at the clock and it's 1, and then i look back and it's 6. plus ...
2. ... i am about 2,000,000 times busier than i was in production. you would not believe the horrendous mess the former editor left, and 80% of my efforts thus far have been pure. damage. control.
3. i no longer take one-hour lunches during which i expose myself to fresh air and sunlight. i've been scarfing food at my desk. if i remember. see #2.
4. i am not sleeping properly. this is to be expected, but i really have to work this one out soon. i'm so stressed out i feel like i'm running around on speed all day, then i crash after dinner, only to wake up intermittently between 4 and 5. then i'm fully awake, which gives me plenty of time to reflect on the terrifying dreams i'm having that i've fucked up somewhere.
5. despite all this, i feel vital, needed, empowered, and competent. i don't know when i'll get to relax, hit my stride, take a vacation, etc., but i LAUGH whenever i think how they wanted to offer me a $2K pay increase to do all this crap.
i don't say this often, but sometimes i wish i did more drugs.
i anticipate a lot more of my weekend will be devoted to sleeping.
i dread moving.
Friday, August 19, 2005
5:02PM - the "tell me your true feelings about merf" quiz
1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.
( my answers )
Thursday, August 18, 2005
8:54AM - it's nice to have a little good news
after 11 months, i've been promoted to associate managing editor.
this was several weeks in the works, but i didn't want to jinx it by talking about it. anyway, i was able to negotiate for a 12% pay increase, as my workload will increase at least that much. essentially, i will be responsible for the trafficking of all the titles for one of our largest imprints, from manuscript to bound book. i've had to undergo so many interviews and wait so long for a final decision, i am just relieved it's all over.
needless to say, james and i plan on staying in the area for the next year, which may be the best thing if we can use that time to actually save money somehow, you know, to finance a move.
two years ago, i was working part time in a library and a yarn store, netting $11K for the year. i thought i'd never get back into publishing. i have to say, it really helps to have someone who believes in you and kicks your ass into gear when you need it. thanks, james.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
9:47AM - random thoughts
if you haven't seen house of sand and fog with jennifer connelly and ben kingsley, see it. see it now. but don't see it unless you are prepared to be morbidly depressed. very well done. very upsetting and unexpected. one has the reaction one had with we don't live here anymore (although they're very different movies)--cringing in front of the screen, going, "no, no, you're all idiots!" as they stubbornly ruin their lives and everyone else's. of course, you could always just flip on one of those televised sessions congress has on c-span.
very excited to learn that a. e. stallings's second collection of poetry, hapax, will be out december 6! and i can preorder it on amazon! awesome!
Monday, August 8, 2005
1:30PM - ganked from argali
A - Age - 27
B - Breast size - 34C
C - Chore you hate - Cleaning the bathroom
D - Dad's name - Michael Stephen
E - Essential make up item - Lip gloss
F - Favorite actor - Gary Oldman?
G - Gold or silver - silver
H - Hometown -Midland Park, NJ
I - Instruments you play - The spotted skin flute.
J - Job title - Production editor.
K - Kids - None yet, three eventually.
L - Last laugh - Last night with James.
M - Mom's name - Michele Marie
N - Number of people you've kissed - I kiss everyone.
O - Overnight hospital stays - None.
P - Phobia - Money.
Q - Quote you like -"What is animals?"
R - Religious affiliation - Nondenominational Christian.
S - Siblings - Jessie, 21
T - Time you wake up? - Usually 6:30 a.m.
U - Unique habit - I do a lot of unique things.
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat- I am not fond of lima beans.
W - Worst habit - Procrastination.
X - X-rays you've had - Uh, teeth?
Y - Yummy food you make - masala dosas. and irish soda bread. and vegetarian cheeseburger pie.
Z - Zodiac Sign - Gemini
Tuesday, August 2, 2005
6:48PM - i love municipal donuts!
today could have turned out far, far worse than it did.
even though i had to take off work to attend traffic court, i did take off work. and traffic court only lasted 4 hours.
even though justice was not served today in the matter of my two retarded parking tickets, the whole affair was rather like watching a slightly duller episode of judge judy, and our magnanimous town prosecutor offered me a plea bargain where the $110 in fines were waived and i just had to pay the $33 court costs.
yes, i did have a moment of indignant, self-righteous rage. NO, i'm not pleading guilty, when i am a RESPECTABLE COMMUTER just trying to make an honest living! i did nothing wrong! if you don't want people parking outside the painted lines, put up a sign for chrissakes! i briefly entertained a vision of a movie based on me and my fight for restitution, for myself and all wronged commuters, starring susan sarandon ...
but then i realized i didn't want to sit in traffic court another day and still wind up losing. so i paid the $33, took my goddamn free donut (thanks, senior citizen brigade set up in the lobby!), and left in search of the elusive "good" kitty litter (which i finally purchased at petsmart, thanks to the tattooed young gentleman who scaled the ceiling-high shelves to slay it for me and present it as his humble offering to Badb Catha, Goddess of Escaping Hefty Parking Fines, Knower of All Things)!
i also used my 4 hours in court this morning to realize that my life could be so much more fucked up than it is. i, for example, could be one of the endless stream of pathetic white trash trying to disrespect the honorable judge scarola while trying to justify slashing a neighbor's tire/stalking an ex-girlfriend via email/doing 79 in a 35 mph zone. there is no limit to human stupidity, but it can be pretty entertaining to try and find one.
my man is home. shit. i'm out of the kitchen. good. still barefoot.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
1:05PM - it's done!!
the giant hulking proofreading assignment is no more!!
(and now i pause briefly before asking for another.)
you know, the point of all this was to accrue some savings, but i'm perilously broke yet again. i guess one way of looking at it is, if i didn't take those assignments, where would i be? where would my car and my thoroughly carpeted floors be? and what would i do if i have to pay all those parking tickets (long story)? actually, what am i going to do?
i keep forgetting how lean july is--at least 5 important birthdays that warrant material recognition. le sigh.
tonight i will enjoy not having the 530-page behemoth hovering over my head--i will go to the gym, make myself eggs, and knit. huzzah.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
2:12PM - Why Me? Pop-Psych Crap I’m Learning to Use with My Lunatic Family:
A Brief Essay on Avoiding Victimhood, Making Peace, and Growing Up, with Applications for Everyone on the Planet
by Badb Catha
In essence, others’ perceptions of you are not necessarily how you see yourself. If you consider yourself to be generous, empathic, and compromising, consider the evidence as well as your motivation by taking the following survey:
1. How often do you attempt to include your family in your activities?
2. Do you express concern over the problems your family might be going through, or are you only looking for someone to listen? A conversation is a two-way thing. The fact that you call someone regularly doesn’t count if you only ever call to talk about yourself. If that is the case, you cannot hold it against someone if they are not always up to the task; everyone has their own problems they must deal with, and if you are truly seeking a relationship with them, you will ask about theirs.
3. Do you reach out to others primarily in order to receive support, or to give it? Do you do it out of a sense of obligation or duty, because it’s “what’s right,” or because you truly want to be around them? Does it always have to be on your terms? When it’s convenient for you? If not, do you keep score and become upset when things seem unbalanced?
4. Do you keep score of how many sacrifices you make versus how many they make? If so, you are sadly missing the point of a relationship. In fact, you’re not having a relationship. You’re having a competition.
5. What is your definition of compromise? It should not be giving in to someone’s demands, harboring resentment over it, and then holding it over their head for the next 10 years. It is to make mutual concessions in relationship. It doesn’t count if you aren’t willing, or if you concede only with the expectation that the gesture will be returned. Check your motives.
6. What is your definition of forgiveness, and do you practice it as often as you expect it? It is pointless to hold grudges against your parents for the things they did or did not do when you were a child. Childhood is over, and with it, their responsibility for your happiness and well-being. If you are left with voids, seek to fill them elsewhere, through other relationships. Understand that, flawed as they are, your parents did the best they knew how under the circumstances given. Raising kids is scary shit, and they don’t come with handbooks. If you weren’t beaten, molested, or called a stupid shit, were fed, clothed, educated, and housed, you probably came out okay. Better than many. Think about what a family does, how it needs to work in order to function. Then ask yourself whether yours is literally dysfunctional. If shit just annoys you, let it go.
7. Why do you have expectations at all? To me, the work of being an adult and an enlightened being involves releasing expectations. Realize that your concern for others, their importance to you, is (should be) unconditional. Love and accept people regardless, or your love is disingenuous. Maintaining expectations only hurts you, anyway—because people very rarely change, and as long as you hold someone to your ideal image of who you think they should be, you will be dissatisfied and disappointed with the relationship. Accepting people’s faults, establishing boundaries, and placing the burden of peace on yourself is all you can control.
8. What are your assumptions? It’s dangerous to assume the intentions behind people’s actions, especially if your instinct is to say they don’t care about you. Ask what’s going on.
9. What are your judgments? Why do you feel you are qualified to judge? It causes an awful lot of unnecessary pain to be judgmental, and it uses up an awful lot of energy to keep track of who did what to whom, then worry about evening the score and what such an imbalance may imply about people’s love for you. If you find you often get upset when people don’t act as you would, ask yourself: Would you really act differently, from your heart, or would you only act differently because you feel obligated to meet some perceived expectation, and the people in question do not seem to feel similarly obligated? Are you upset because you truly feel someone doesn’t care, or because you yourself don’t feel the freedom to articulate boundaries with others, and you resent them for doing so? Leads to …
10. What are your obligations to others? Articulating this for yourself as an adult versus accepting what you were taught could save you a lot of anguish in addition to friends. To love should be the priority, but this doesn’t include enabling someone’s self-destructive patterns. Consider, for your own purpose, outlining on paper what you believe others’ obligations are to you—family, friends, strangers on the bus. Where do these come from? And which could you live without—the action or the intention? Would you rather someone did something because they wanted to, or because they didn’t want to piss you off? Do you want to be the person everyone walks on eggshells around and accommodates only for fear of causing a scene? Or worse—do you want people to withdraw from you completely, because it is not worth the criticism, judgment, and tension they experience in your presence?
You have to honestly ask yourself whether what you want, feel you deserve, and would interpret as love is for people to condone your self-absorption, legitimize your self-pity, and treat you differently from everyone else. Finally, remember you cannot control people’s actions. All you can control is your reactions. You miss out on all the love people are trying to give you if you are intent on rejecting the package it comes in.
Current mood:  tired
Friday, July 15, 2005
10:34AM - hypocrites
from the bbc:
China general warns US on Taiwan
The US is Taiwan's biggest arms supplier
A senior Chinese general has warned that China might respond with nuclear weapons against the US if Washington attacked his country over Taiwan.
Major General Zhu Chenghu is not directly involved in China's military strategy, but these comments could add to tensions with the US.
They come at a time when many US politicians are already concerned about China's military build-up.
Beijing considers Taiwan a renegade province of mainland China.
The US is currently Taiwan's biggest arms supplier and has indicated it would defend the island in the event of a Chinese invasion.
"If the Americans draw their missiles and position-guided ammunition onto the target zone on China's territory, I think we will have to respond with nuclear weapons," Maj Gen Zhu told an official briefing for foreign reporters.
The general said his comments were "my assessment, not the policy of the government," according to The Asian Wall Street Journal.
He added that he was confident the US and China would not go to war.
A Chinese foreign ministry spokesman told Reuters news agency the ministry was looking into the comments.
okay, ONE of the things i never understand about these situations is how it's our goddamn duty to arm ourselves to the teeth, but no one else is allowed to have as many weapons as we do. unless we buy them for them. ANOTHER thing is how we are entitled to barge in to wherever we have an interest, anywhere on the globe, but another country cannot act all proprietary in their own hemisphere unless we approve. i am seriously, SERIOUSLY, seeing bad things happening with china. it's no longer an issue of another country being a better place to live--it's an issue of me personally not wanting to participate in/endorse the actions of the united states.
10:09AM
is there a less attractive couple than hypocrisy and self-righteousness?
Thursday, July 14, 2005
1:45PM - the dates are in!
it's going to be a busy fall ...
beginning september 14: sylvia plath exhibit, grolier club, nyc
september 24-25: stitches east, atlantic city
october 8-9: new york cat show, madison square garden
october 15-16: dutchess county sheep & wool festival, rhinebeck, ny
i'm already eager for the cool weather, the sweaters, the trees ... and halloween!
*by the way, any and all friends are welcome to join me on any of the above excursions!
Current mood:  excited
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