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~Lori~

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[Jan. 31st, 2005|05:23 am]
Hah! Ever read over old entries and realise how uneventful your life is? *sigh*
Actually it really only sounds uneventful because I only post when I have nothing to do lol. Went out to sushi last night!! So cool. Gotta remember to go to Sea World again before our passes expire.

I need to get a job. I wish I knew what to do. I guess a part of me thought I'd never graduate lol. After all that school, you just expect it to keep on going. It's like you work your butt off because you want to try to get that diploma. It sounds like such a GREAT idea to get that diploma. And then when you get it..

College: HORRAY! You've managed to make it through all of our trap doors and booby traped loopholes we put in place to ensure you a longggg college career. You WiN!
Student: W00t! What do I win??
College: Why, a kick in the ass into the real world, of course! Duh..
Student: Oh shit..can I give it back?

I think the worst thing about being out of college, is the adjustment. Now I have to find a job, any job, just to pay the rent. But I feel so far away from my friends. I used to take for granted seeing them at school, between classes, having lunch together, getting into trouble on campus together, ditching classes together, complaining about classes together...and now I dont HAVE classes...so I dont see them there.

Ryan still has school. His classes start Tuesday. This is his last semester. I, for some reason, made it out in December!

Didnt do too much today but hang out. Ryan worked until 8am this morning, so he didnt end up waking up until like 4pm. Typical Sundays.
link..get loSt..

[Jan. 20th, 2005|10:05 pm]
[mood | relieved]

I really owe thanks to a higher power tonight for saving my sanity. I've been so depressed lately. Seriously depressed. It's just, with everything up in the air, my entire future, with things looking like I probably don't have much chance...it was hard to handle. My entire life, I've had conflict, but when it came to the future, somehow I knew I'd get through it. I can think of a few times in my life where I was unsure if I'd make it and felt a lack of all control over my own life and its fate, and this was one of them. That feeling is so depressing, like your watching your own life go down in flames before your eyes. I cant even begin to describe how I felt. Tonight I was going to write a depressed entry, with the mindset that I wasnt graduating and that I wouldnt be able to register to try to graduate so that I was out of college with nothing more than a high school diploma.

Last night, at 3am, I sent a plea to my professor via email telling him my situation and how I needed that grade, even if it was failing me, I needed it reported because until it was, my future was in jeopardy. It must have worked because tonight, at 10pm, I checked my grades (for the 3rd time today) hoping to see something there. There finally was. I got a C! See, I feel that this is because my email because I didnt really deserve a C in that class. A C- would have been extremely generous, a D much more likely. I seriously thought that there was a high chance of me failing this class. This is why I was so worried that without the grade there, I had a hold on my registration. I thought I was going to fail and because it wasn't posted, I couldnt get on with my life to try to make up for it by registering. I got a pity C! I bet he didnt even have them done yet so to just spare me, he gave me generic C to get me by. Im sure if he ever calculates the actual grades, he'll see I had like a 60%. But I dont think he would want to be the reason I'd never graduate college heh. He's a nice guy, just a bit...eh...incompetant. The type who shows up late every day to class, and has a TA do everything for him for a class of 60 people. The TA being equally incompetant because she didnt show up half the time and he never knew where she or our grades were. But oh man, how thankful I am. How thankful I am to the man who yesterday I was so frustrated with. I thought I'd have to go to SDSU tomarrow. I dont even know what I would have done. I would have stood there, lost, in the middle of campus, wondering who to talk to that'd even get a crap about me.

I cant believe I actually graduated. Im in shock. Now that I passed all my classes I have to figure out what the hell I do to get my diploma and..shit..I need a job!

Now what do I do??

A huge weight has been lifted. I finally feel like I can breathe.
link3 loSt souLs..|..get loSt..

[Jan. 20th, 2005|01:41 am]
[mood | pissed off]

So Im screwed over and I have no idea what to do. Im totally freaking out.

See..I applied for graduation. Now in order to graduate, I need to get all of my grades, but one of my professors from the fall still has not reported my grade, and instead of a grade it says "Report Delayed". This also happens to be the class I wasnt sure if I passed or not. So here's my dilema..until I get that grade, I've neither graduated nor can I register for classes due to the graduation hold on my registration. If I pass this class, then I graduate. If I don't...then not only do I not graduate, but I have a much bigger problem. See, spring semester starts in 4 days. In the case I fail the class, I cant register for Spring Semester because of the graduation hold! I have 4 days until class starts!! Not only will I have to crash a class, but I'll have to find out how to pay for it because financial aid dispersements should have already went out for those students who will be going to school in the Spring. Im totally screwed.

If the teacher waits until after Spring Semester starts and then reports my grade as a fail, I can't make up that class in Spring Semester!! Ughhh...why did I have to take this class???

NEVER take a class with Peter Cirino in the Theatre Department. NEVER!

So I could have gotten through 5 years of classes to not graduate from college because of 1 stupid class and 1 teacher who wouldnt post his grades. How sad can life get that one professor can completely mess up the rest of my life?? I dont know what to do!
link1 loSt souL..|..get loSt..

[Jan. 2nd, 2005|10:25 pm]
[mood | nostalgic]

Got a bunch of new clothes today thanks to my mom! They are kinda like dress clothes for when I get a job. Shopping was fun though.

Steelers beat the Bills today! I watched the game, it was great. 15-1! I want to get a "Terrible Towel" and a Steelers shirt before I leave here because the Steelers are playing in SD next season, so I want to go to that team, and *gasp* cheer against the Chargers. But thats only because my true hometown team is the Steelers. I was watching the game with my Grandma today. Its amazing how much she knows about football. She watches so much Steelers football she could probably coach the team [but we'll leave that to Bill Cowher because he just rocks]. Her football knowledge just amazed me though. Not only with Steelers History info but about football techniques. She's just cool like that! Its really hard to be in Pittsburgh and not love the Steelers. I dont even think its possible. In San Diego, most people dont seem to care about the Chargers. Some do, but compared to here, its just not the same. You can never go anywhere in Pittsburgh without seeing people with Steelers stuff on.

Anyways..Im only here for like 2 and a half more days. In one sense Im ready to go home, but in another I'm sad to leave. I could totally see myself having a life here and getting setup here, moving here, working here, living here. I had a great time when I lived here before. It was such an amazing experience to get to live here and go to school here..elementary school and high school [Junior High was in California]. I went to the same Elementary School here as my Dad and the same High School as both of my parents. I had the same Geometry Teacher in 10th grade that my Dad did. He remembered my Dad to. Hehe. Mr Meals. Man, he was an awesome teacher. Apparently my Dad didnt get along with him, but I was such his teachers pet lol, even tho I think I only got a B. I had the class with my best friend Jen, and we'd talk constantly, so our desks stayed up right in front of his. He never let us move. And he'd change the groups ever so often, and he's let me pick who I wanted to be in my group, when everyone else got assigned lol. I always got to sit in a group with my friends by his desk. We got him Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, his favorite, and a candle that looked like a pig but was painted like a cow for Christmas. It was so random. But he passed away a couple years ago. :( I'll always remember him though. He was such a funny guy.

I should go off to bed. I get to put my mom's computer together tomarrow in a basement where half the electrical outlets dont work lol. Good times!
link2 loSt souLs..|..get loSt..

[Jan. 1st, 2005|09:32 pm]
Happy New Year everyone!!

I hope everyone, or at least one person out there, did something wild and crazy for New Year's Eve, because mine couldnt be described with either of those words. Hehe. It wasn't bad though. I spent it with family. What else am I gonna do at midnight thousands of miles of home when all my friends who I knew from here have pretty much already graduated from college and moved away already? Family it was! It was nice though. Laid back. We watched the countdown. It was pretty cool to actually watch the Dick Clark's Countdown and actually be watching it LIVE instead of what was live 3 hours ago. The same time zone was cool! It was also nice that I didnt have to wake up butt ass early to watch the Rose Bowl Parade in the morning because of the time difference, its 3 hours later in the morning that it starts here. That was cool. But it was a family event of me, my mom, and my grandma...and 3 cats and a dog...and Sims2. Lots of Sims2. Which of course crashes on my computer every 30 minutes. But we had snacks and punch and ya...good times. Horrah. Wee. Family bonding. You get the point.

Today I felt so stur crazy with all this family bonding that I felt the need to escape. I walked to the mall for several hours. A part of me kinda hoped I'd run into someone I knew. I always wonder what they are doing now. Probably all graduated with jobs and everything already. The east coast seems so much more productive. Whereas at SDSU, we all just kinda hang around for 5 or 6 years until the university gives us an ultimatum of "Graduate Now or Go Away!" So good times there. I didnt see anyone I knew though. I went to Old Navy and other random stores and then hung out in Borders reading books, watching people go by, that sort of thing. I somehow ended up in the Career section with all the "Master the Interview" and "Victor over your Resume" type books. I realised that if I really graduate, I have no idea what Im going to do. Im not one of those people who have one job that they really want to be when they "grow up". I just sort of picked a field that I found interesting and figured that any job in that field should be decently interesting. But what am I going to do?! Im going to have to pay February's rent and thats...30 days away. 4 more of which I'll be in Pittsburgh. Well, 3 and a half maybe. And grades arent even due until the 11th by professors, so granted that all my professors abide by that..that leaves...20 days to 1) Find a job ASAP and work enough to get $407.50 for rent. Yes. Even the 50 cents. 2) If I dont graduate, find out if I can get financial aid by February, and enough to live off of. Its scary. I have no idea what Im going to do and I have to worry about interviews and resumes on top of that? Ugh. Im so screwed. The worst thing is, is that Im stuck in my lease until May (also when Ryan should be graduating). That means I either 1) Find a temporary job for a couple months to pay the bills while I try to find something actually in my field. 2) Find a permanent job/career that will keep me in San Diego (which I cant really afford to live here without financial aid) for a long time. *Sigh* The worst part is that I cant even find out what my future will be until the 11th. Until I find out whether or not Im graduating. And if Im not graduating, I have to hope that SDSU lets me take 1 more semester without having to fill out more forms begging them like I did last semester, hope that I get financial aid so I can pay for school and pay to live while going to school, and hope that I can register for the classes I need, as I didnt sign up for priority registration for the whole graduating reason.

:(

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!?!

Ok..Im going to try not to stress out about it until I can find out what I need to do, but its hard. I check my grades like every day, but the same 3 professors havent posted grades.

On a random other tanget, I got a haircut. My family pretty much told me I was lol. It had gotten really really long and I really couldnt do anything with it. So now its more of a normal, regular, type of long length..or something. I dunno. Something like that.

We will see what happens.
link..get loSt..

[Dec. 29th, 2004|08:25 pm]
[mood | sad]

Today is a sad day. Jerry Orbach passed away today of Prostate Cancer. :( :( :( Man, I was sad when he left Law and Order as Officer Lenny Briscoe, but he passed away! He was 69 years old. :( He was expected to make a full recovery from his prostate cancer and be in a Law and Order spinoff series, but he didn't win his battle with cancer. :(

So a moment of silence for Jerry Orbach.
1935-2004
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Ben Affleck had it coming anyways.. [Dec. 28th, 2004|11:01 pm]
[mood | silly]

Because Im easily amused...

Your Silver-Age Superhero Career
LJ Username
Your alias first-name is:
Your alias last-name is:
You can turn....
...into:
You team up with... astutegirl
...to battle: Ben Affleck
You petition to join: the Legion of Doom
Their response: they agree, but you thought all the hugging and groping was a bit much
You are best remembered for: the way you'd freak out every time someone wanted you to introduce them to Batman
Your heroic level: - 81%
This cool quiz by sigma7 - Taken 24668 Times.
</a>
New! Get Free Daily Horoscopes from Kwiz.Biz

link..get loSt..

Noooo not the electrons!! [Dec. 27th, 2004|09:32 pm]
[mood | bored]

Havent been up to much today. I didnt even wake up until like 3:30pm. My mom and grandma caught my cold, so everyone has been housebound. Im over my cold now, for the most part, so Im starting to feel better and up to doing stuff, but everyone else isn't because they are still dealing with the cold. Im almost tempted to wake up early one day, walk down to Borders...its about a half mile to a mile walk...and chill there all day with high speed internet, in their cafe, and walk around the mall. Sure, I'd be doing it alone, but it'd still be fun anyways.

I've been playing lots of Sims2 lately. Although, once the game starts getting really good, my video drivers decide that too much fun is being had and crashes the game. Go figure. I really have nothing exciting and new to report. I once again realised my dislike for Xanga. It's not nearly as cool as LJ and it seems to attract more drama, for some reason. But mainly, its not nearly as cool as LJ. ^_^ Im having SWG withdrawls. Its hell. Luckily I've still been able to troll my usual forums, so Ive been doing some of that. AOL is evil. Tho, I have been using instant messengers, ironically, more than I did before..than back home where I have a 24/7 connection. Because of which, I've got to talk to 2 friends I havent talked to in a while. One from SLO and another that I havent talked to in geez...4 years at least? So that was definetely cool.

Oh yes..and I watched "Murder She Wrote" again today! Exciting, I know. I can feel the jealousy from all you who missed it. Hehe. :/

I've been thinking about making this journal "Friends Only". Been thinking alot about that. I already occassionally use the "Groups" function in LJ, which is why LJ is so awesome. I can put an access level, so to speak, on a post, so that only a certain group or group(s) can see it. But Ive been seriously thinking about going completely Friends Only. At least that way, I can have some control in who is accessing my journal. Not that I write anything that is particularly information sensitive. Random people could probably care less about my boredom or about how it snowed the day after Christmas. But Ive been running into a philosophical issue with journals that are completely public. So we'll see what happens with that. Maybe once I get back home. I can do a lot of things faster with faster internet. AOL is pain in the ass.

But hmm...going to Borders sounds fun. Its supposed to warm up later in the week. The weather here is so weird. It'll be like 14 degrees on Christmas, and then a week later, they expect it to be 50 degrees. I know 50 degrees still sounds cold from a California perspective, but here, its just amazingly warm in the winter lol. Maybe I'll go to Borders on THAT day!

Random Stuff:


What Kind of Geek are You?
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
Your IQ is very high
You are a computer geek
Your strength is you never need to sleep
Your weakness is electrons
You think normal people are aliens
Normal people think that you are deranged
This Quiz by owlsamantha - Taken 160930 Times.
</a>
New! Get Free Horoscopes from Kwiz.Biz

link..get loSt..

[Dec. 26th, 2004|09:40 pm]
Yay Steelers game today! Its so cool to be back here and be in that atmosphere again. My family is all die hard Steelers fans, so they had the game on today. Very important game too! Against the Ravens, the one team that has beat them this year, back in week 2, and they beat them! Yay! And now they get home field advantage in the playoffs, but their quarterback, who everyone in Pittsburgh calls "Big Ben", got injured with a rib injury of some type, so that's not good. But he has some time to rest. So yeah...lots of Steelers excitement today. Its good to see the Chargers doing well too. Both going to the playoffs and everything!

Watching TV with my Grandma has been interesting. She controls the remote, and she's always channel surfing, usually stopping on either PBS Christmas Specials, the Food Network, Jeopardy, or Law and Order (complete with weird narration of all the actions in the show thats meant for blind viewers, which we have no idea why it does that, and it drives us all crazy). But she has this habit of changing channels after you've been watching something for an hour, when theres still 8 minutes left in the show. So when I do get to watch something that actually interests me (besides the Law and Order) I never get to see the end of them lol. Oh well.

But its been nice here. One of the cats here has really taken to me, so she follows me around everywhere. Its so cute! She's down here sleeping next to me on the couch in the family room while I right this instead up upstairs sleeping with everyone else. My mom makes me keep my bedroom door shut at night so the cats cant get in, because as much as I love them, Im allergic to them hehe, which has never stopped me before and never will stop me. But I see her little paws stick under the door at night when she tries to get in. Its sooo cute. My mom adopted her before she moved here. Really, the cat found her. It had randomly decided to seek refuge under her trailer. She went off on vacation and came back and it was still there. She was injured (her tail had gotten crushed somehow) and was living off of lizards in my mom's garden. So she took her to the vet, and they had to amputate half of her tail off, and my mom decided to keep her. The cat is the sweetest thing ever. Quite possibly the friendliest cat I've ever met. Such a kind hearted, innocent, little soul.

But Pittsburgh has been nice. Yay vacation. :)
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[Dec. 25th, 2004|09:37 pm]
Why is it that Professors always lag on posting the one grade you need to know the most. It's like, if you know your going to get an A in a class, those grades always seem to be up right away. But if there is a class in which the grade decides whether you graduate now and have to find a job in time to pay February rent or whether you take one more semester (and get one more semester of financial aid hopefully)...those grades are always the LAST to show up. Ok ok, so it's the holidays, and professors probably arent thinking about grades, but it'd be nice to know how, if Im going to be able to at all, pay rent next month. *Shakes her fists at professors Epps, Towner, and Cirino* Making my life even more difficult.

Anyways, not much happened today. Its Christmas! Isn't it? Im not sure. We didnt do the whole Christmas thing with presents and everything, which I actually really liked. We just had a big Turkey Dinner and hung out. It was cool. We'll probably do the presents thing through the week. I am glad Christmas is over, just because Im tired of hearing about it on TV. Im tired of the news commenting on Christmas shopping trends and the endless PBS Christmas specials, all of which are virtually the same anyway.

My brother called today to wish a Merry Christmas, which was very cool. He's in Palm Springs right now. Apparently my Dad and Stepmom bought a condo there, which they are planning to rent out as timeshares or something during the year when they arent using it. But they are down there now until the 1st, which means I wont be seeing them at all, being that I dont get back until the 5th. But they are there. My brother is pretty funny though, so talking to him is always fun and amusing.

My cold is starting to go away, which is good. Not much up here. Just relaxing. Guess thats a good thing.
link..get loSt..

[Dec. 24th, 2004|09:45 pm]
So its Christmas Eve, well, technically its Christmas here already, its 12:31am. Things have been going well here. Im starting to get over my cold, slowly. Getting a connection to the net, even tho I cant use it until everyone goes to bed, has helped retain some of my sanity, being able to talk to people from back home a little. Its been a very laid back holiday here. We dont have a tree up or anything, and we probably wont give all our gifts to each other until after we've had a chance to shop at the after Christmas sales.

Random story...I'm sitting in the Family Room with my Grandma, and we are watching tv. She is partially hard of hearing, so the TV is blaring loud, but thats beside the point here. On comes a News Story about how these people got in an accident and alcohol and high speeds were to blame. It was a sad story, people died, but you are so disconnected just watching it on the news. My grandma turns to me and says, "And you know the lesson to be learned there, don't you?" In which I didn't respond, just looking at her for her to respond to it for me, when she adds, "If you are going to drink, DRIVE SLOWLY!" It just cracked me up. I couldn't stop laughing. Here I thought she was going to go into a lecture on Drinking and Driving and she cracks a joke. Random!

Another Random story...My mom went to the Christmas Eve Chruch Service tonight. Me and my Grandma stayed home with the excuses that we had colds and it was freezing out, when really, I just didn't want to go lol. I wasnt feeling well, and I didnt have the energy to see people I knew from when I was 15 and used to go to High School here. Well, apparently, my old Marching Band director goes to the same church and she was there, and my mom just *had* to go up to her and tell her that I was in town visiting, and now she wants me to go to the school on the 3rd or 4th and visit her. Ugh. Nothing wrong with her at all. She was an awesome band director. Marching Band here is very hardcore. Much different than in California. It's very strict. I liked the director alot, I just havent seen her since I was in the 10th grade, so I imagine that being a very awkward situation. But my mom was making sure to relate to me how excited she was and how much she wants me to go visit her once the high school here goes back in session. You know what that situation is going to be like. You awkwardly hug, they ask you what you are doing now...and I would respond that Im graduating, and then she'd ask me if I was majoring in music, and I'd say "No, Geography.." and so would start off the conversation of whenever I tell someone Im majoring in Geography. So Im gonna see if I can get out of it. Hehe.

Not much else to report. Its cold here, but I really havent been outside at all that much, because I've been sick. Though I have been submitted to great torture in the form of hours of watching the Food Network and PBS Christmas Specials. And cant forget "Murder She Wrote". I dont know what my Grandma sees in that show. The acting is terrible and over dramatic! But I watch nicely anyways.

Thats all for now.
link..get loSt..

[Dec. 23rd, 2004|09:18 pm]
We are supposed to have a high of 14 degrees here for Christmas. Yikes! Though, I've realised the cold really doesnt bother me that much. I had the realisation that in San Diego, I feel more uncomfortable with a cold unexpected breeze than I do here when its 14 degrees. Maybe its because in San Diego you dont expect it to be cold. You expect it to be warm. But here, you fully expect the cold, and you usually think its going to be colder than it really is once you get out there. And once its below 40 degrees, it pretty much all feels the same anyways. It just depends on how much bite there is to it. But cold is cold, anyway you put it. Goosebumps only get so big hehe.

Pittsburgh is nice. Its nice to be away from everything, but it has been interesting. I feel a lack of socialization with other people, other than family members and cats lol. I think my cell phone is roaming, so I cant really use it to call Ryan, and I feel bad asking my Grandma if I can use her phone all the time to call long distance lol.

I tried to sign on SWG to try to talk to Ryan on there, but because Im using crappy AOL, it will take 2 hours for it to download the latest patch to the game so I can sign on.

And AOL is painfully slow. EEEEEEEEEEEP. :/
link..get loSt..

[Dec. 22nd, 2004|10:06 pm]
Im in Pittsburgh!

When I got on the plane to come here, it was 85 degrees. When I got off the plane here, it was 13 degrees. lol Yikes! Not to mention I picked up a cold from the travel, so now I'm sick. Bah! Things are weird here with my Grandpa not here anymore, but things are still happy here. My mom and grandma are an interesting combination. Very odd. But its been interesting. Everything in so Steelers emphasized here. They are 13-1 right now, so they are doing really well. But theres Steeler stuff everywhere. I went to the grocery store today, and literally 60-70% of the people were wearing Steelers stuff, which in San Diego is relatively rare. You maybe see 1 or2 people total wearing Charger stuff on a non-game day doing their errands.The time zone thing is weird too. Its 10pm there right now, but its 1am here. There was snow here earlier, but it actually got up to 40 degrees today, so it all melted. Its so weird when theres a beautiful day outside, thats just amazing, and its 40 degrees. In San Diego, thats a terrible day lol. Here, its just amazingly beautiful. Its supposed to be 20 degrees for a high on Christmas and we are supposed to get more snow. Yay!

Well, now to the point of how Im writing this. I have gotten so bored here, I had to find a way to get online. Ok, its really only been like 4 days, but its seemed like at least a week lol. Theres not much to do here. I actually put AOL on my computer and was desperate enough to use the "Free Trial" which I have 45 days to call their 1-800 number to cancel before they start billing me. Lets hope I remember lol. :/

My mom's new cat is so cute tho! It's tail is all stubby because part of it was ambutated. It had an injured tail when my mom found it so she took it to the vet and now she has a new cat! Its soooo cute tho. Its the friendliest cat. Its my new friend hehe. She follows me around, and sits with me, waits for me to get up in the morning outside my door so I can pet her more. Its cute. Ok. Im gonna sign off.

Yay Pittsburgh!
link2 loSt souLs..|..get loSt..

[Dec. 8th, 2004|01:23 am]
Hmmm...

I officially don't like Xanga. Okay, I didn't really like it before. But I tried to post this entry there *first* but the damn Xanga server was so laggy it gave me a "page not found" surprise after I pressed the submit button. I finally got it to work, but man...Xanga sucks..LJ rocks..

So, I'm sure many people have been thinking that I've fallen off the face of the Earth. Those people would probably be correct. I am all prepared to tell you what life is like off the face of the Earth. However, it's a very top secret place that can only be experienced by those who also fall off the face of the Earth, so you will not be able to handle such amazing details. Okay, so they aren't amazing. And there probably aren't really any of those "details" anyways.

I guess I could talk about what I've been up to? Well, other than failing classes, playing video games, sleeping, avoiding responsibility, and being a hermit...wait..that's pretty much all I do. Nevermind. Okay, so I suppose it's probably not the best idea to fail your classes in your last semester because then the school is much less inclined to hand you that diploma and let you graduate. Instead, I assume, they grab you by the collar and throw you back into the depth of hell..err..I mean SDSU ^_^...and you get to take MORE classes you aren't interested in yet have to pay for anyways. Here at this very moment, I could be doing homework and turning in my late assignments for my upper division multicultural class, but that would require me *caring* about multi-cultural theatre, in which, sadly, I really don't. It's not that I have anything against different cultures. In fact, on the first day of that class, I thought "Hey, this will probably be my most interesting class!" [No..that was not just because my other classes were exceedingly boring on the first day...Ok..I lied..the only class I had that first day was RWS and it *was* exceedingly boring...but I digress...] I was interested in learning more about different cultures. However, I did not want to give up my precious time of sitting on my ass avoiding the likes of schoolness to go to 10 events [that I would have had to find myself...] that would immerse me in each of these cultures. He wanted us to go to a quincinera. Okay..now how many 15 year old mexican females do I know? Did he expect me to look in the classified section for families announcing their daughter's quincinera who really wanted to invite a strange college student they didn't know just so I could listen to them talk all day and not understand what they were saying? This is what the professor wanted! Pffft..okay. So, I did not find a quincinera to attend, or events in the cultural areas of: African-American, Asian, Native American, Women, Disabled, Reglious...etc..etc...etc... And because of this, I'm going to fail. Okay, that and because the class ended up boring me so much I didn't feel like going every day. But we wont' get into that. So...all I can do is cross my fingers and hope my Theatre of Diversity and RWS teachers end up taking pity on me and giving me a C (or even a D if that still lets me graduate..). I'll probably get a B or C in Poli Sci, and I know I'll get an A+ in Geography [Seriously..I'll really get an A...and not fail..because it's a class I actually *care* about...]

Anyways..yes...failing classes. And video games..I've been doing that too. I've been playing MMORPGs like SW:G and WoW. For those of you who don't know what those abbreviations stand for, don't worry too much. Okay..I feel bad....[MMORPG = Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Game, SW:G = Star Wars Galaxies, WoW = World of Warcraft...] So yeah..Video games..I am pwning nubs with my l33t skills. I can feel how jealous you are. Okay..maybe not..

AH! Okay..so my downstairs neighbors are still complaining. I've come to the conclusion that they just like to complain about everything. They've complained so much to the landlord they got them to buy them a new stove, and I'm telling you, this apartment complex is CHEAP. They dont like to spend money. It may *look* pretty, but it's really just a giant 3 story cardboard box with plywood on the outside, painting to *resemble* an apartment building. But they are complaining now because if I have the TV on in the bedroom, even if its really *really* low in volume, then..OMGOSH THEY CANT SLEEP! And they apparently go to bed a like 9pm, so they want us to not watch tv in our room after 9pm. Okay..why do they feel like my parents now? Tiptoeing around the apartment all the time so they won't bitch about that...not watching our own tv after 9pm so they won't bitch about that...PFFT! There are plenty of things we could complain about but we frankly don't care. The people below us *MUST* find something to complain about constantly to someone or their is something missing in their tragic little lives. I can hear the TV at night of the people who live next door to us, and they watch tv until like 4am, but never have we complained to them. Because we honestly don't care. We aren't dying. It's not *that* bad. The people below us are so extreme if I walk in my livingroom they can't sleep. Whatever. So many evil thoughts come into my head of what to do to get back to them. One involves the invasion of many tuna steaks on their back porch...the other...inviting the Christmas Caroling band to come play for them after 9pm (their designated bedtime.) Hah! But I can't submit bandos to the likes of them. They are evil. Though the tuna is very tempting....

Okay..so...we will see if I graduate. On the 19th of this month I'm going to Pittsburgh until like Jan 5th. [Insert massive video game withdrawls here]. They don't have any internet. None. Zero. Oh well. I will spend quality time with family and chase cats around the house.

Yikes..its 1:15am..I should do at least 1 of my projects. Hmm..nah..I really dont want to. So out of like 10 projects on cultures, I just did the Disabled one and the Woman one. Hmm....thats bad. Yup, Im failing. I'll see you all next semester! lol
link2 loSt souLs..|..get loSt..

[Nov. 7th, 2004|03:22 pm]
[mood | sore]

Today was an adventure. Let me just say that.

For some reason, that California Department of Fish and Wildlife entrusts me and Stephanie to hike out off trail on the Crestridge Wildlife Reserve to do perimeter surveys with a GPS unit. Sure, this is something that looks great on my resume, but just to know that this entire section of perimeter was up to me and Stephanie was kinda amusing. If you would have seen us, you would have laughed your ass off. Here you have two girls, both who are sick at the time with bad colds, hiking off trail up ridges and down canyons with a photocopy of a topo map, trying to figure out the best way around vegetation and rocks, praying that we didn't run into any snakes, with a little yellow GPS unit. Luckily no snakes were spotted, as Stephanie is extremely afraid of them. We did, however, find a large amount of melted golf balls! Ironically, it didn't rain. This is particularly ironic because it rained the entire drive out there and the entire drive back. The rain stopped just as we got there and started again the second Stephanie opened the car door to drive home. Irony! Good luck though. I could not have imagined trying to navigate that in the rain, plus the GPS unit probably would not have been very fond of rain. We didn't get yelled at by any crotchety residents on the other side of the perimeter and we didn't have to stalk anyone for a user survey because all the users were too far away! Yay! So 3 hours later, the perimeter survey was complete and I am ready for a nap.

I have a cold, I may have mentioned that, and I thought it was getting better, just to realise I was mistaken. Though the headcold part of it is starting to slightly improve, its all moving down into my lungs, so now I get to cough and gag alot! Isn't that wonderful. Ok. Im tired of typing. THE END!
link..get loSt..

[Nov. 6th, 2004|02:29 pm]
[mood | sick]

So I'm sick, and its not fun. :/ I felt fine on Wednesday. Wednesday night I went to see Team America with Ryan, and after the movie, by the time I got home, I felt like I had been suddenly hit by a train. It's a cold. It's weird because most of the time, you don't really know when it starts, all of a sudden you are just really sick, but this time, I know exactly. The one thing about being a hermit thats good, is that I hardly ever get sick, so this is the first time in a long time that I have been. Several several months, at least 6-7 months. So I'm due for one, but I feel miserable. So by Wednesday night, I was sick, and by Thursday morning my body decided it would screw me over even more and gave me cramps! Im SO glad theres not a game this weekend. On Sunday Im going to the Crestridge Wildlife Reserve in El Cajon and taking GPS points with a GPS machine for research for the California Dept of Fish and Wildlife. Its cool to be doing an actual study that will be used. Hopefully I will feel better by tomarrow. Or a little better.

I've been in bed the past couple days. Thursday, luckily, I have no class, so I had the full day to get rest. Friday, I tried to go to school, picked up the GPS machine, but then felt so ill I had to go home. Now Im on lots of cold meds, which dont really help much.

My mom is in Pittsburgh now. Its so weird. I'm so grateful to Teri, who really made me feel better about things. It's so weird whenever you feel like theres something in life you can't do, life has a way of showing you that you can, whether you want it to or not. I didn't think I was ready to be this much on my own yet. Inside me there's still a little kid wanting to be taken care of and told everything will be alright. As independant as I am, theres still that need inside to know that your family is near you. By my mom moving away it was like life trying to show me that I really could do this on my own and that I really was ready. It's still hard, but Im dealing. I would have never even been in California if it wasnt for my mom. I was born on the east coast, raised just about everywhere in the US, but came to California with my mom when I was like 12, then moved away, and moved back when I was about 16. Never did I imagine I'd be in this state alone. I think Im going to be okay though. Its just Thanksgiving thats going to be really hard because it's my first Thanksgiving I cant spend with family. My family now lives too far away to be able to go home for a weekend. I could go and spend it with Ryan's family, but that is just kinda a reminder to me that my family is so far away. That, and it just doesn't feel like home. I'd really love to have a Thanksgiving of my own with Ryan, and make all the food, but he wants to spend it with his family, and I dont blame him. I would want to spend it with my family if I could. So I dont know what I'll end up doing. I know its just a holiday, but Thanksgiving without a family to spend it with is like Valentines Day without a date to spend it with. You can get through it, but you have constant reminders that you're alone. *sigh*
link2 loSt souLs..|..get loSt..

[Nov. 3rd, 2004|12:03 pm]
Oh my goodness, Im writing an entry.

Ever feel like life is just going so fast that you just dont seem to have the time to do anything? And its really odd, because I really do nothing and my life can't be as fast as it seems to be. I think I've just like, stepped out of reality somehow and only step back in for school. Im in my own little world. Lets see, so what is up with me?

My classes blow. Go figure. I love my Geography one though. It makes me realise Im gonna miss taking Geography classes when I graduate. College would be AWESOME if there was no General Ed requirements. I love my major. I would love just taking class in my major or minor and nothing else. That'd make school so much fun. Its the evil GE classes that taint college's funness potential, making you take hideously boring classes that you really have no interest in. So Im slowly suffering through RWS200 and Theatre of Diversity this semester, and Poli Sci 102 for that matter. As long as I pass them, Im okay. I dont care about the grades, for the love of God just let me pass them. My Geography class I'll get an A in. ^_^ But the GE? I'll be happy with D's if D's will still let me graduate. I dont care about them. I want to take classes I actually care about, but no, I have to write papers on stupid things like the Frontier! *flails wildly*

Ok..what else..my mom officially moved to Pittsburgh on Oct 30th. I am now the only person in my entire family living in the state of California. My closest family member is in Washington state. Kinda creepy. Im all alone. I have a bunch of furniture from my mom's house in my apartment now and a bunch of my old boxes with stuff from growing up that I have to go through and find places for. By escaping reality as much as possible, I am keeping myself from getting depressed about this, because this is something that would really depress me if I let myself think about it.

I love the rain lately. Makes me wish it'd rain more often.

I dont think Im going to get my "Credit" in band. If I have a midterm in my Geography class, I'll not go to band to study for it. That's how I have an A+ in my Geography class right now lol.

Eh..Im so bored of life. Im bored of everything, but I just dont feel like doing anything.

I've been playing Star Wars Galaxies. The new expansion came out, and it entertained me for a week, but now its getting frustrating. School has kept me super busy so I havent really been able to play much, so when I do play, I'm like an uber nub (MMORPG talk for = Someone who really sucks at whatever they are trying to do; Someone who is new; Newbie). So yeah. Im outclassed by the powergamers who have nothing else to do in life by sit in their parents basement playing video games. YAY! Im gonna try WoW when it comes out. I wanna get into the Open Beta. So that should be interesting. Im starting to get bored of SW:G anyways, so it'll be good to have something new.

Ok..eh...uhm..I should be going to get lunch right now. Im in the computer lab. I had a midterm today that I thought I would fail that I surprisingly did better than I expected. I had a rough draft due today too. Im happy that tomarrow is Thursday and I have no class and I dont think I have any homework due on Friday either, so I actually get to RELAX! Horray!

Ok..I should get food before band. I have like 15 minutes to get food before I Should leave for band, and Im still typing, and theres gonna be long lines in the food places. Wow...Im so out of it. Reality is no fun. It's so weird, I feel like when I actually make myself pay attention to it, it's like stepping out into the sun without sunglasses. You're kinda blinded, not sure whats going on, trying to focus, and thinking, "why the hell am I here??"...

Uhm...wow..its a good thing Im too poor to buy drugs or alcohol or anything, with all this "escape of reality" talk. Drugs are bad anyways. BAD. YES. OK. Hmm...

Why am I still typing? 12 minutes to get food. There is a huge line of people waiting for computers in here and I am denying them because my fingers just keep typing and typing and I really have no point to what Im doing, so Im just really making them wait longer. Yet Im oddly amused by this. Ok, I should really stop.

YES. 11 minutes. Oh geez...

Ok.

THE END! Maybe...sort of.

Im hungry.
link..get loSt..

[Sep. 27th, 2004|07:03 pm]
[mood | crazy]
[music |"Child Falling Asleep" - Schumann]

Okay..so I figured since I just got back from Yosemite, I'd post an article on my experience. If anything, so that I will have it to look back at and remember.

It started off Thursday morning, bright and early at 7am in the parking lot of my classmate, just over on Baltimore. There were 4 of us in this car. Well, really we were the only 4 girls going on the trip in the class, so we were kinda grouped together because of that. There were like 12 guys going, but only 4 girls. Lets just say that they guys got much better selection of groupmates. Anyways, it really wasn't too bad. We amazingly found a way to pack all of our stuff for a 3-4 day camping trip into Anna's Matrix. We were basically packed into the car ourselves. The drive up took about 8 hours. We had lunch in Delano, some little barely there town in the central valley. By that point, Erica was starting to get on our nerves, but we were all too nice so it wasn't showing at all. She was getting on my nerves at least, but the other two girls seemed to be handling her pretty well, so it seemed. We got to Yosemite about 4pm, met up with our professor, and then was told to head to Mariposa Groves to walk around on our own and take in the experience, read the signs, etc. So we did. Thats were all those big sequoia are. HUGE trees. It was amazing. We took about a 2 mile hike around the grove and then headed to the campground so we could set up camp before it got dark. We barely did that just in time, so that was good.

It was that evening that I found out that Erica had kinda gotten on the nerves of another groupmate of mine, Stephanie, too. We just figured it was because she was the most actively spoken in the trip up, and we were all really tired and it was a really long ride. But she was both kinda driving us crazy already, and it was only day ONE! The girl somehow found a way to work the comment that she worked at Target into EVERY conversation, so we heard about that a bizillion times on the carride up and setting up camp. Everything was "Target this..and Target that..and OH I WORK AT TARGET!" While we were thinking "Yes..we know. You've told us." But we had camp set up, ate dinner (Stephanie had made some chicken strips and brought them for dinner that night), and then went over to hang out at the guys' campsite and talked, mostly about geography stuff, and drank a few beers. It was there that I started getting embarrased just by being associated with Erica. I mean, she's a nice girl and has the best intentions, I'm sure, but she just has the habit of interupting conversations that she had nothing to contribute in to announce something COMPLETELY unrelated that people really didnt need to know in the first place, causing HUGE awkward silences. I think we were talking about how the guys there were in Grad School and how they decided to go to Grad School and stuff, and she interupts the entire conversation to announce that she's had Ovarian Cancer. Keep in mind, this girl is 22. So there was a huge awkward silence there. I mean, what do you say to that? I just kinda hid my head in my hands during the awkward silence. Later, she explained the entire Ovarian Cancer thing to us in the car about how there was a growth of some type there, but it wasn't malignant it was benign, yet she had chemo and some friend made her a tunic (and in the story the pronoun used to refer to her friend kept changing from he to she, and back again...as if she couldn't remember whether her friend was male or female..eh..it was..hmm..interesting. We came to the conclussion that it was probably a highly exagerated story and that she had some health problem involving it and thats all we wanted to know.) So we eventually all went to bed and that ended Thursday night. Oh..somewhere in there, Anna saw a bear while she was walking to the payphone to call her boyfriend, and Steph and I were just going to bed when the rangers were walking by our site and saw the same bear and was yelling at it, shooting rubber bullets, noise makers, and a flare to scare it away. That was amusing.

Friday, we woke up bright and early. There was me, Anna, and Stephanie in one tent and Erica in the other tent (because the giant air mattress she brought along for her bad back wouldnt fit in the other tent and have room for other people in there too). But Anna liked to wake up super early, like 5-6am, and she'd wake everyone else up because she was kinda bored and cold in the morning. It was REALLY cold in the Valley before the run rose over the canyon walls. But we had breakfast (oatmeal), and then noticed that the guys in the site next to us (who were also in our class) had shown up in the middle of the night and were asleep in their tents. They apparently left San Diego at like 7pm, so they didnt get to Yosemite until like 3am. They eventually woke up and cooked this huge breakfast of bacon and eggs, while we were supposed to be gathering with the class to meet up, so we had to wait for them to finish eating. But anyways...thats really trivial information there. Dr. O'brien lead us on a BIG walk around the Valley, from North Pines through Curry Village, through the meadows and the trees where the old campgrounds used to be, over to the Awahnee Hotel, and then into the Village area, while giving us a talk about the history of Yosemite, the land management and recreational land uses of the park, the park planning and their future plans, about the flood of 1997 that took out a lot of the facilities, and stuff like that. Very informational. It was like having a lecture about Yosemite while getting to BE at Yosemite and seeing it first hand instead of in a slideslow or something. Very awesome. Then we ate lunch in the Village, walked through the Visitor Center, worked on a project and questionaire given to us by our professor, and then took a hike to Mirror Lake (which had no water in it..just sand..so it wasn't really mirror like at all in late summer). But it was fun. Erica didn't go to Mirror Lake because of "her knees" or her "hypoglycemia" that she was informing us about every 3 and half minutes. We got constant updates on the status of her blood sugar. You know, I'm hypoglycemic too, but I didn't talk about that ONCE while being there. In fact, I hardly ever talk about it at all so its something hardly anyone knows. Of course its very minor hypoglycemia that I have (my mom's is more severe), but still. We didn't need to know about hers constantly. Friday night we had a Zaterans Chicken Creole mix that was SO good, that Anna made. My feet were killing me from the walking/hiking that day, so I went to lay down. This was mainly for the fact that we didn't bring any chairs, so out options were either to stand up or lay down the entire weekend. Anyways, Anna came and laid down too and we spent a good hour joking around and talking while Stephanie and Erica hung out with the guys in the next site.

Saturday morning, it had seemed like we had been there forever. This was our day to do whatever we wanted. Anna woke us up at 6am and we went to Glacier Point. It was cool because we got there shortly after sunrise, but before all the tourist buses got there so we basically had the place, and the view, to ourselves. We saw people hang-gliding off of Glacier Point. It was awesome. Then we took a hike up Sentinal Dome, which I actually remembered the shortcut to from when Cindy's sister took us on it last year. The view from Sentinal is amazing. I effectively managed to tune out all of Erica's complaining about her knees and how she "didnt think she was going to make it" (the hike isn't THAT hard...really), and had a GREAT time. It was very spirit cleansing being up there. Me and Stephanie had some inside joke about how we needed to spend time reflecting by a pond with some grey goose and jagermister (longggg story lol)...so when I was spending time reflecting up there she was joking around with me about reflecting and telling me "DON'T JUMP!" It was funny. One of those "had to be there and understand the joke" type of deals, I'm sure. I think even Anna and Erica were confused. After that we went back to the campsite, had lunch ("Jenny-O Turkey Dogs"..because it had to be that one kind..don't ask why..I dont know) and then took a nap. I however, didnt want to wake up from the 20 minute nap, so I continued my nap for a little longer while Anna and Stephanie took a short hike around the area and Erica went to Curry Village to take a shower. I woke up when Steph and Anna came back, and we decided to take a shower, because John and Jeremy from the next site were also headed over there. So we all started walking there. We saw Erica on her way back, and felt so immature as we were hiding behind a giant RV, but it was funny. We just didn't want to deal with her right then. We needed a break from being around her. It was then we found out that the guys were finding her overbearing and irritating too. They pointed out the entire awkward silence thing after her unrelated scary announcements too. Apparently the evening before she had interupted their conversation to inform them all that she was bi-sexual, which also caused a large awkward silence. Then asked John how old he was, and when he responded that he was 30, she informed him that she would date a 30 year old..so that scared him profusely lol. But it was releaving to find that we werent the only ones feeling that way about her, because us girls were feeling bad about finding her so irritating, but once we found out it was kinda like a shared feeling with everyone, we didn't feel so mean about feeling that way. Anyways..we took showers, hung out with the guys at Curry Village, had pizza and lots of beers, talked for a while and joked around, and then headed back to camp, because it was VERY dark at the time and we had effectively avoided the campsite for a good 3 hours or so. Hung out at the guy's campsite for a while, then went to bed. Stephanie is sooo funny when she's had some beers, cause she only weighs like 120 pounds and hardly ever drinks so shes such a lightweight, but shes SUPER silly. We were having adventures avoiding bears in the pitch black on the walk back from the shuttlestop thru the woods and over the creek to the campgrounds at night, and it was HILARIOUS. We ran into some lost hikers, who were making bear sounds to scare us lol, and they had apparently hiked half dome but then gotten lost on the way back once it got dark and couldnt find their car in the park lol. So Anna gave them a ride back to their car, which they found eventually.

Sunday was the day to leave. We woke up at 6am, packed up the campsite, loaded all the stuff from our bear box back into Anna's car (which was amusing..our bear box was scary) and then left by like 7:30am, and got to San Diego by 3pm. We made good time. I was VERY happy to be home and VERY tired from the weekend. It was long, tiring, but very fun. I wanted to just come home, relax and play video games, but NOOOOO..I had a paper to write on an area of context from Momaday's essay on the significance of the frontier in American Civilization for RWS200!@#! Not what I wanted to write when I got home, but it was due this morning, so I did, and it was a very crappy paper, but its a rough draft, so it'll have to do.

But yes. That was my camping trip.
link..get loSt..

[Sep. 22nd, 2004|12:09 pm]
Ok, so I havent really updated this mainly because doing so involves thinking about the things going on in my life, and its just so much easier to block them out and avoid reality all together. I'll go into everything later, on the stuff going on with my Mom, and my Grandma, and my Great Aunt..and all that wonderfully depressing stuff which is having me barely hanging on here, but I need to rant right now. I figure no one really gives a shit about my issues anyways, and this journal is mostly for my own benefit of venting. [Ok, so one or two people may care, but Im just angry and frustrated at the moment..so I'm speaking out of anger..]

I am SO glad Im graduating and getting out of this place. If anything, because it'll mean I won't ever have to deal with Coach anymore. He's just...frustrating. So the first week of school, I talked to him about having to miss this next football game coming up, and he said it was okay and that he'd need written documentation, like a copy of a syllabus. Missing this game is completely out of my control. I don't plan my teacher's schedules. Trust me, if I did, they'd be MUCH more convinient. So I said I'd do that, and get it back to him. Well, I go in today to give it to him and he tells me he doesn't want it. And not just in that way of, "Oh its not necessary, I believe you" which would have actually been more of a positive thing. As I stood there trying to explain to him what I was doing as I was handing it to him, because he had a very blank expression as if he either had no idea or that I was inconviniecing him SO much by talking to him while he was trying to eat his lunch in his office, he then kinda caught on and gave me this derogatory look, and said "I dont want it." Argg..well you freakin ASKED me for it and I take the time to get it and you don't want it?! Well screw you. Then as I'm trying to stay smiling and hide any frustration, I start to leave, as he continues with, "You know what I do want?" I stopped and looked back at him, smiling, and asked him, "What's that?"

Why? Because somewhere inside me still actually cares what he'd want, even though I shouldn't. Then he gives me that look again, and with attitude says, "Varsity Band books. Bring them by next Tuesday." You know, if he would have even said it nicely, I'd have no problem with that. Sure, I forgot about that, as I didn't have any reminder to bring them until I got home from my night class last night at like 7pm to see a message about it on my away message. Not much I could have done about that. I mean, Tiffany had given me a verbal reminder about the Pep Band book, which is why she's had it back for several weeks now.

But it's not the fact he asked me for the books that frustrate me at all. It's the attitude he gave me while asking. How he looked down on me like he was SO much better than me and that I was just some annoyance who wasn't even worth the time he was talking to remind me. I know he's a "coach" and all, or an "administrative assistant", or whatever, but that doesn't make him a better person and it doesn't give him the right to try to make someone feel like crap/nothing/stupid/worthless when they are doing something for him that he ASKED for in the first place. He just has really bad karma, and one day, it'll just come back and bite him in the ass, and I won't have one ounce of pity when it does.

So that's my rant. Im pretty much foregoing lunch in order to vent here. But maybe I'll go get lunch anyways. He's not making me what to "give my full effort" for band. He's making me want to quit instead.
link1 loSt souL..|..get loSt..

[Sep. 14th, 2004|12:02 am]
[mood | depressed]
[music |"Nocturne in C-min" - Chopin]

My mom is officially moving out the state. Heh. October 30th and I will be all alone on this side of the country. That house will be gone. It won't even exist anymore. Its being replaced by a newer model. My mom loves that place and loves her garden, and the orange tree, and how the birds come and hang out in the yard, and they are going to tear it all down to put in a newer model mobil home so they can sell it to someone else for way too much money. *Sigh*

Not only will all those memories be gone, but I know how much my mom loves that place. She'd tell me how she never wanted to sell it, no matter what, and now its going to be gone, and shes going to be gone too.

I thought I was okay with her moving.I've had time to deal with it, but it was so on and off, one minute she was moving, the next she had talked herself out of it. You can tell she really didnt want to but feels pressured because my grandma isn't doing very well since my grandpa passed away. *Sigh*

My mom called today. I have to figure out how to get my stuff from SLO (furnature, large amount of boxes) by October 30th. Heh..

It just makes me realise how truely alone we are in this world and one moment you take everything for granted, and the next it can all be gone. I feel like I'm being abandoned. I mean, if I was moving away on my own choice, I'd be fine with it. But she's leaving and Im going to be here all alone. Just me. I'm nothing in this world. I'm so incredibly lost and she's going to be 2000 miles away and I'll never see her because how am I supposed to afford going to Pittsburgh on my own?

Its just so hard for me to deal with. :(

I feel so alone. I hate life. I hate how its so pointless that we are all here. That there is no reason for us to be here. That its such a lonely existance and we are absolutely nothing that we have to try to find more purpose in it. The reason families exist in the way it is now is because we can't stand being completely alone in this world. We need some type of support. I mean, other animals leave their parents forever at a young age and spend it alone, yet we need to convince ourselves that our lives are not really pointless and lonely, just a speck in the galaxy here for no reason..

WHy do we spend 18 years with these people and then just leave? Thats 18 years of seeing your family every day and then one day, before you know it, they are thousands of miles away and you are alone, on your own...

I mean, I knew it'd happen one day, but I figured it'd because I was married or something and starting a family of my own and that my mom would still be close by. I figured I'd be ready for that maybe when I was 30..
So I'm 22. I still feel like Im 18...lost...I'm not ready for this yet.

And I feel like Ive been doing everything I can to avoid reality at all costs. I have my escapes from reality and I alienate myself from the world because I don't want to deal with it, but by doing so, I only make myself more alone. When I have a problem, I have to deal with it myself. I mean, I have Ryan...and Im very grateful for that, but I dont want to dump everyone on him. I feel like I want help from someone, but I dont want to ask for it, and I dont know what they could really do for me. They can't magically make anything go away. I think thats what I really want. Isnt that what we all want? Is for someone to come and make all our problems magically go away?

Im just sitting here listening to Nocturnes, in the dark...depressing piano music. Even the happy songs make me sad.

It just makes me realise that life is all about change. Its never the same. Its not supposed to be. We are never the same person and are never in the same world. Its constantly changing around us and we have to deal with what is thrown at us. Life just seems so cold.
link..get loSt..

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