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Food for thought... [13 Dec 2005|03:01am]
It's a bit strange to be watching the news and have the anchor lead off his story with "So-and-so is being executed." Not that they have been, or will be, but that as he speaks someone is being killed. Yeah, we know people are dying all the time, but it's not often put in your face that right now as you're sitting here updating your journal someone with a name and a face is dying. Not with the same kind of urgency or "present-ness".

I dunno if the guy did it, or not, or if capital punishment is fair, or not.

But I gotta think, "Damn, I don't wanna know what it's like to know you've got exactly 20 minutes left to live..."

By the same token, I don't think I want to know what it must be like to be the governor that says, "No clemency," and to actively and consciously decide that someone will die. For that second, he gets to play God.

I can't think of any other situation that happens with such gravity and such precision. We all know we're gonna die someday, but we don't actually know to the minute at what point we won't go any further.

----------

Meanwhile, now they're talking about how this guy had been nominated several times for a Nobel Peace Prize and that it's actually fairly easy to get nominated. Kinda takes the fun out of it for me. Here's something I didn't know: Adolf Hitler was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize in 1939, but it seems the committee changed their mind a month later. I guess the German invasion on Poland didn't go over too well.
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F*cking karma strikes again... [05 Dec 2005|02:36am]
I've recently aquired a fish. A red betta fish, also known as a Japanese fighting fish.

It's my job, for the purposes of a paper in my Animal Behavior class, to observe the fish's behavior or to conduct some sort of experiment that will elicit a certain behavior.

Betta fish are known for being aggressive towards other males, and since they can't tell their reflection from another fish, they will display and flare to their own reflection.

So I decided I would base my paper on the following: how does the size of the opponent affect the betta's reaction/aggression?

I ran out and bought a fish. I got the gravel and a big tupperware tub for it to swim around in (those tiny cups and vases are cruel) and even a little plant so that it would have the option to hide. I got mirrors of various magnifications such that when I put it in front of the fish, he'd see an even bigger opponent.

So I bring all my stuff home. I give the fish a chance to get accustomed to his new home. And then it's time to do my stuff. I put a regular mirror in front of him in the tub. He stops in his tracks. He stares at the mirror. He comes up close to it. He turns and faces his side toward the mirror. He looks at his reflection for a minute. He swims off. I put the 3X mirror in front of him. Same thing. Doesn't even muss his hair over it. Gives himself a quick, "Hey how's it going?" and swims off.

Of all the fish in the fish store, I ended up with freaking Narcissus! Ferdinand over here would rather swim about in the little plant than pick a fight with the other fish.

*a la Charlie Brown* AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHH!

This is what I get for waiting until the last minute to get all this done. When will I learn?
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My two cents . . . [03 Nov 2005|09:44pm]
Because I had something to say, and really this is the only public medium I can think of without actually standing up on a soapbox to say it, I thought I'd update tonight. I'll try to keep it short and sweet. After all, I have ecology homework to do.

So I'm now a member of FSU's chapter of the Cuban American Student Association. And that's all gravy. I don't know why I didn't join sooner. It's actually kinda nice having other people around that are more like you, and not white or pink with blond hair and green eyes.

At tonight's meeting we watched a documentary on the history of the Revolution, detailing the events that have led up to the current situation. I watched old footage of Castro and how he wooed the masses with his promises of a better Cuba. I then watched footage of a man executed for suspicion of conspiracy against the government, shot in the chest with a rifle and allowed to roll off into the ditch behind him. I thought about how that very easily could've been my abuelo, who, among thousands of other Cuban men, was arrested countless times merely for suspicion. I watched footage of the Mariel boatlift, as all those boats took off from Miami for Cuba to try to recover their families, and my brother at 9 years old was all alone among those masses looking for my dad who had gone to pick him up. [My sister stayed behind with her mother because my dad was only allowed to bring back one family member. She left a couple years later through Venezuela.]

Every now and then you'll hear of a stray rafter that decided he'd rather risk death than be trapped on an island that for all practical purposes is a prison. And why is that? How desperate must the situation be that people would rather die than go on living in Cuba? But nobody really knows much about it. Castro has no concept of human rights, and yet off we go, like knights on white horses to secure the name of democracy in a country that's on the other side of the world. Cuba is right there. It's so close that many people think they can fill up an inner tube and float their way to freedom. Assuming they don't get caught by the Cuban Navy who will, if they're generous, return you from whence you came. And what's it to them? Why do they care if anybody wants to leave or not?

I can't understand why no one tries to help Cuba. And because in my 21 years, it's been firmly engrained that this is the way things are, I see no real reason to actually believe that I will outlive this 79-year-old tyrant who holds my island and my people hostage.

*kicks soap box off to one side*
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NEED SOMEONE TO SUBLEASE....1B/1B $300 [20 Apr 2005|04:44pm]
Am offering completely furnished 1 BEDROOM APARTMENT for summer.

Right across the street from FSU on the Tennessee St. side. Excellent for science majors; within walking distance to all your classes. Large kitchen with new appliances and new cookware opens into living room. Very spacious. New carpet. Cable w/ HBO and water included. All you pay is rent and electricity. Free cable internet coming this summer. Spacious bedroom with walk-in closet and vanity area.

Facillities include on-site laundry, two swimming pools (one right outside the apartment), volleyball court, and tennis courts.

Asking price: $300 (negotiable; rent is $489, but am willing to pay part). Great deal for not having to share your apartment with anybody else at all. Well worth the peace and comfort.

Please reply ASAP!
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[05 Apr 2005|11:14pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

Just...out of curiosity, does anybody read these things anymore?

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Diosito me ampare... [04 Apr 2005|01:22am]
[ mood | defeated ]
[ music | *humming of computers in library* ]

So I'm in the Strozier basement studying for my modern physics test. God help me, I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I've got the book, I've got notes online, I've got a classmate's notes. The test is at 9am. It's 1:30am.

I fully expect not to sleep tonight as immediately following this test I have a Genetics test at 11:15, which I have not totally studied for. I mean, I studied a little. But I still have work to do for it before the test.

Tuesday morning will be my plant biology test and Wednesday afternoon I have a Bio 2 test. On top of all of this, I have to work on a 10-pg report on jellyfish evolution for my comparative genomics class that is due next Tuesday.

I may not sleep at all this week. 25 days til summer vacation, when I can start it all over again with summer school. I may never sleep again.

On top of everything else, the idea that my bank account will flatline after this month's rent check is cashed is a bit unsettling, causing my what-should-be-concentrated-on-my-tests mind to be cluttered with ways to figure out how to get more hours at work to make it through this last month at school. Then there's trying to find someone to sublet my apartment. Initially, I wasn't planning on it just because I'm gonna move back into it next year and I didn't want some stranger living in it, but seeing as to how that comfort would cost me $1500 I think I'll learn to deal.

And my honey is sick with the flu and I can't be with him to give him hugs and vaporub.

I'm hating life right now.

I need a hug.

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"Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way" -Harry [02 Mar 2005|05:36pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | John Mayer - "Something's Missing" ]

So you may laugh at me, but if you don't already know "When Harry Met Sally" is my all time favorite movie. And frankly, I think there's a lot to be learned from it. I'm all about the ranting dialogue between Harry and Sally. It's great. It's like listening in on someone's conversation.

The one speech in the movie that's always struck me is the one about how men and women can't be friends. I always thought this was ridiculous, but then again this was at a time before there were men and women for me to analyze. In high shcool, (hell, I'll go back even as far as middle school) everybody was friends. Yeah, maybe sometimes they all had crushes on each other, but at the end of the day, they were all still friends. They were the people you could count on, a sexually heterogeneous group where it was OK for your closest friend to be a guy. We were all friends first and, well, maybe if you got lucky you got a girlfriend/boyfriend out of it, but even if you didn't that was cool too.

So now I'm getting older and you know what someone says to me once? "I have no interest in being friends with a girl if I know there's no chance I could hook up with her." Maybe I got stuck in my earlier youth, but it'd never occurred to me that this was something to be thought. I figured people would always need friends, why go alienating anybody?

The whole dynamic between men and women is shifting around me and I don't like it. What used to be an effort at companionship has now been converted into an effort to get laid. Sexual tension is increasing exponentially between the sexes and while having a boy over to hang out used to be cool and simple has now suddenly become so much more complicated.

I can't quite tell if it's entirely an age thing, or if it's because everyone around here is white and they just aren't brought up the same where everybody used to hug and kiss and that was the norm.

In spite of all the fighting and drama, I miss middle-school friends and I miss high-school friends. There was no pressure to find someone you could hook up with. It was more like something that just happened....or didn't. It didn't used to be about trying to get laid all the time, but if anything maybe somebody just to hold hands with.

I think here's what it is: I miss innocent friendships.

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In need of a career change... [24 Feb 2005|05:53pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Working retail is such a thankless job. If I had a quarter for every time I had a messy, rude, sassy, or "i-don't-care-what-your-store-policy" customer, I wouldn't need to keep working. People suck.

I'd rather be a florist. I've been considering this rather seriously for a couple of days. I could get a job as a flower delivery girl and it'd be great. People would always be happy to see me and they'd smile and say thanks, for a change.

Honestly. You don't see anybody running from the FTD guy.



In other news, today would have been Mom's 61st birthday.

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HALALA! [16 Feb 2005|10:16pm]
[ mood | excited ]
[ music | Jackie Wilson - "Higher and Higher" ]

I have an exciting weekend ahead of me. For starters, my 21st birthday is on Saturday. Now you may think, "Wow that's perfect, because you can be hungover on Sunday and be clear-headed by Monday." But that won't necessarily be the case. I figure I have the rest of my life to spend a weekend wasted, so this year I'm going home and I'm celebrating with the family. I mean, that's what I'm used to. This is what we do. We spend birthdays together, and having not done so the last two years has really thrown off my birthday chi. This year, I'm making up for it.

Tomorrow morning I'm flying home, which will be wonderful. Tomorrow morning I will meet my new little car as my old little car was totaled a month ago.

*moment of silence for mi carrito .

Dad was able to get me a little 2002 Corolla, which is cool because it beats getting around on my Chevrolegs. I'm a little concerned because I know Corollas are smaller than Camrys, but on the plus side, that little car gets about 33mpg, so it really can't be all that bad! I will have plenty of time to get acquainted with the new little car when I drive it back up on Sunday.

Saturday is gonna rock. It's gonna be a whole day of just eating crap and having fun. In the morning, I'm going to go shoot paintballs at my nephew, Robert. Have no fear. I'm sure he will shoot me back. Then later in the afternoon, we're gonna go to the Renaissance Festival in Deerfield Beach, which one reviewer called "geek fest." I'm thoroughly looking forward to that. Later in the evening, I fully hope to go to Opa's with my brother and sister and their S.O.s along with all 6 kids so we can eat and be merry and dance on the tables and throw napkins. It promises to be a good time. Of course no Lopez birthday would be complete without a Carvel ice cream cake (a tradition I've actually grown to love) but as this is my big 2-1, I fully intend to take my driver's license down to the liquor store and by myself a bottle of champagne to be shared later with the rest of the family. No seriously, I'll share.

Ice cream cake and champagne. That is how it will be done and I will have myself a rockin' 21st birthday. If anyone's gonna be in the area, lemme know so I can save you a piece of cake!

Peace out, kids. When next I return, I shall be a woman!

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All I needed was $2.50 in quarters . . . . [01 Feb 2005|12:17am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Because I have no one to tell this story to right now, as most people are either asleep or otherwise engaged in something much more important, I have no choice but to write this in my LiveJournal. That, and someday I will doubt how ridiculous this story is and will want to read it over again just to make sure it actually happened.

It started this afternoon, 5-ish, as I was walking back from my 8 hour day at school. I had two bucks in my pocket. I went in to Burger King to get change in quarters because as it happened, I was wearing my only clean pants at that moment, and I was going to do a load of laundry tonight. I give the nice lady at Burger King my two dollar bills, she gives me 8 quarters in exchange. I should mention now that each load of laundry a wash and a dry, is $1.25 a piece. I ultimately needed $2.50, but I knew I had exactly the extra change at home. I stick the 8 quarters in my pocket.

I get home. I put the 8 quarters on the coffee table. I make a grocery list and next thing I know, 3 of them are missing. This now presents a problem because I only have enough change to wash, not dry my clothes. I forget about it and go do my groceries. Later on at night, one of the quarters mysteriously appears on the coffee table. I put two dimes and a nickel on the table and tell whatever little ghost is taking my change that if they can turn that into a quarter too, I would be greatly obliged. In the meantime, I went through every wallet, purse, coin-purse I could find and found that I had EXACTLY $2.50 in quarters and was very happily going to do my laundry.

I go down to the laundry room, with my load of dirty clothes. Oddly, all the washers are occupied except for this one. It's empty. I see nothing wrong with it. So I put my clothes in, I put the soap in. I put $1.25 into the machine to get it started so I can go back to my apartment and finish my homework.

The machine gets stuck.

Try as I might, that little sleeve that takes your quarters in and comes back out empty would not budge. Wouldn't go in, wouldn't come out, wouldn't start the washer. At this point, I'm pissed, because I only have another $1.25 which would have gone to drying my laundry, and I can't just wash the clothes and leave it wet. I went back to my apartment, picked up a screwdriver, some scissors, my keys - anything to pry the thing to it's proper place so the washer would just start washing like it's supposed to - and my cell phone, because we're supposed to have 24-hour maintenance.

Nothing works. The machine remains stuck. I call the leasing office to see if there is a number for the maintenance people. I get the answering machine, where I can leave a message and have them call me back sometime tomorrow (which is no good, because my clothes is in the washer right now, already soaped up), or I can dial 0 and talk to the answering service. I dial 0. I get the answering service. I ask for a number for maintenance, and the guy takes down ALL my information and eventually patches my call back through to the answering machine in the leasing office, which again is no good.

So now I'm stuck.

I called my dad and bitched and ranted and raved for a little bit, because I was so pissed at what a simple and yet incredibly irritating situation I was in. At this point, it's 11:45pm and I will mention that I don't live in the nicest part of town. This will become pertinent in about 4 seconds. I decide to brave the cold and the dark in my flannel pajama pants (because my jeans were soaped up in the washer), flip flops, and my NYU hoodie, to cross the street and go back over to the Burger King. They were closed.

I went next door to Jimmy John's, where thankfully people were still coming in and out. I walked up to the guy behind the register and told him I needed a huge favor, and asked if he would please break a 5-dollar bill for me. Had it not been for the asshole making the sandwiches to his left, whom I hope suffers from such grave intestinal disorders that he cannot leave the toilet for a week lest he should shit all over himself, I'm sure the guy behind the register would have been quite complacent and I would've been saved further aggravation. But no. The guy looked over at the asshole for permission, and the asshole, without lifting his head from his hoagie, said they didn't have change. I asked, "Are you sure? I have rather extenuating circumstances," because I'm not about to tell this guy how much trouble I've gone through over a fucking $1.25. He says "nope" and I very angrily thank him, when halfway out the place I think to myself, "OK, fuckhead, I'll buy a soda." So I bought a soda for $1.71, which as far as I'm concerned is highway robbery, but this is perfect because in giving him my 5-dollar bill he will have to give me at least 1 quarter in change. I took advantage of the fact that he'd opened the register to get my change and asked him to give me one of those dollars in quarters. He did, saying that was all he could give me, and I said "Fine, that's all I need anyways." He was still an asshole about it.

I left, hightailed it back over to the laundry room across the street at my apartment complex, and now with all my EXACT change again, an hour after I'd intended to start the whole laundry process, I went to move my clothes to a functional washer.

Ladies and gentlemen, no good story is complete without a punchline and I wish I was kidding when I tell you this, but I honestly couldn't have made it up any better if I tried. Don't read ahead because it'll just ruin it.

As I'm now moving my clothes from one washer to the other, a guy comes into the laundry room. You won't believe what I'm about to tell you, because I heard the words come out of his mouth and could not beLIEVE what he was saying to me.

He sees me putting my clothes into the washer, looks over at me and says, "Excuse me, do you have change for a dollar?"

That's it. That's my story. This is the kind of shit that only happens to me. It's so trivial, and so menial, but wait 'til it happens to you one day and then we'll see how you deal with it.

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Sometimes I think the world should suck a dick... [18 Jan 2005|10:42pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

I hate the world sometimes. People have a really unique way of pissing me off when they suck as much as they can.

Be it a fellow pre-med student, going through all this trouble to raise the $1500 to get himself to Jamaica for a week to treat sick people, only to mention he's getting a cheap stethoscope to take on the trip because he doesn't want to use his nice one on those "nasty" people; or sexual intolerance, where upon getting down from my car to go to a meeting at school, I notice that the car next to me is spray-painted yellow and, upon further inspection, realize that this is not the result of a misguided attempt to change the car's color from green to yellow, but a hate crime, whereupon there is also an upsidedown triangle painted on one of the doors and on another door, two woman-symbols interlocked at the circles.

Why do people give a damn how others decide to live their lives? My dad always says that the problems in this world all stem from two things: lack of acceptance and lack of communication. We either can't tell each other what we want, or we can't allow someone else to want what they do. How does it affect my life and my well-being if perhaps the guy next-door is a black muslim who likes to fuck guys? So long as he's not doing it in my living room and that's what makes him happy, then good on to him. Where do we get off judging others if so many of us so firmly believe that God will judge us for our sins? We have no right to play God, nor do we have any right to tell anyone else how we think their life would be better. How can people be so intolerant of each other? We are generally afraid of being alone, and yet we alienate each other by criticizing our differences.

It's fear. Maybe as a species (or as a society) we ourselves are so afraid of being wrong, that anyone else who disagrees with us or does things differently is seen as a threat and must therefore be condemned. And it is this very same self-righteousness and arrogance that has damned the human race.

Frankly, sometimes it makes me sorry to be a part of it.

THE GENIUS OF THE CROWD
there is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
human being to supply any given army on any given day

and the best at murder are those who preach against it
and the best at hate are those who preach love
and the best at war finally are those who preach peace

those who preach god, need god
those who preach peace do not have peace
those who preach peace do not have love

beware the preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who are always reading books
beware those who either detest poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick to praise
for they need praise in return
beware those who are quick to censor
they are afraid of what they do not know
beware those who seek constant crowds for
they are nothing alone
beware the average man the average woman
beware their love, their love is average
seeks average

but there is genius in their hatred
there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding solitude
they will attempt to destroy anything
that differs from their own
not being able to create art
they will not understand art
they will consider their failure as creators
only as a failure of the world
not being able to love fully
they will believe your love incomplete
and then they will hate you
and their hatred will be perfect

like a shining diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock

their finest art

-Charles Bukowski
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I think I've got it all figured out now . . . [30 Aug 2004|03:36pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]
[ music | Bacilos - "Mi Primer Millon" ]

So as I was walking back to my apartment just now after class, I had an epiphany. I should mention it took me quite a little while to get home, so I had some time to develop said epiphany.

I think I now understand why I and other fellow science majors will invariably be up at the crack of dawn to prepare for classes that start a little after dawn has cracked, and must then do so 5 times a week.

Essentially, history majors, psych majors, socilogoy majors, english majors, etc. will get to relish in their mid-day Tuesday-Thursday schedules and why? Because they can afford to. What they're studying really just depends on the rest of humanity around them, so as long as they're up and about with the rest of the world, they're alright. They won't miss much and if they do, they can catch up pretty quickly. History majors? Well, they may as well not get out of bed. What they're studying already happened. It's not going anywhere.

Now biology majors, physics majors, chemistry majors, engineers and the like have lectures to attend at 8am and spend all morning learning about the ways of the world and the universe at large. God doesn't even get up as early as most of us, and therein lies the logic!

At the beginning of time when we realized that the world had an order to it, the powers that be decided that we'd try to beat Him to the punch every morning so that we could catch up just a little bit before He got out of bed and started changing everything around. Granted, it'll take us a while, because supposing God gets out of bed at 10am and is done with breakfast by 11am, it really only gives us about 3 hours to catch up. And even so, in those 3 hours, most of us are still just learning the fundamentals, nevermind current events.

But there is hope yet. That first batch of science professors were optimistic and felt that it was well within humanity's reach to someday know it all. With diligence and lots of hard work we will be able to ensure that the Class of 3185 will stand up on commencement day and rather than toss their caps into the air, will all point a finger right up into the sky at God and say, "A-HA!"

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Freakin' honking . . . [02 Mar 2004|02:53am]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | Jane's Addiction - "Just Because" ]

There is a train that goes through this neighborhood every night between 3 and 4 am and I know this because every night at around 3 or 4 am I hear the bastard blowing his horn as he rolls on through, and I just have to ask, what the hell is in his way every night between 3 and 4 am that he needs to honk at?!? It's not like this is Miami where people are conceivably out at all hours. This is Tallahassee. Everybody has a bedtime, except for the damn train engineer who's gotta be the asshole to wake everybody else up along with him.

People with jobs that require them to work at 4am are assholes. I know this because the garbage men in New York were out and about at 4am and driving through tiny Washington Square Park down the one way roads surrounded by dorms, those assholes honked.

Who's in charge of the trains? I mean seriously, who do you call to bitch at about these things? The mayor? Perhaps I should consult the governor who lives just down the street. He's within earshot. He can't be entirely oblivious to my plight.

*sigh* I'm gonna look into this. I will start with 411 and ask them to tell me who's in charge of the trains and when they ask why I'll explain to them that the damn trains are honkin' all night and their sympathy for my situation will be such that they will patch me right through the head of trains, the Big Caboose, and won't charge me for the call.

Freakin' trains . . .

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In the spirit of Thanksgiving.... [19 Nov 2003|05:33pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

Never underestimate the impact cartoons and television will have on kids. Sometimes some things will really stick with them, and if you're lucky it was something worthwhile.

When I was little, my mom used to buy me the Peanuts movies, and one in particular was just made up of different funny little scenes among the characters. In one scene, Lucy is sitting at a window and she's kinda glum. Linus comes along and says something to the effect of how whenever you're feeling down in the dumps you should always count your blessings. Lucy turns around and mockingly exclaims, "Count my blessings? Count my blessings?! I can count my blessings on one finger. What do I have to be thankful for??" Linus replied, "For one thing, you could say you have a little brother who loves you."

He was right, of course. I think a lot of times we take so much for granted. I know I take a lot of things for granted. I take for granted the fact that I have to get up every morning to drive myself to school where my professors will drill various equations and algorithms into my head that I may or may not understand. I take for granted that one day I'm going to be a doctor because I just won't have it any other way. I take for granted that I have a family that loves me and welcomes me home with open arms.

I take for granted that Jay Loves me as much as he does because he's made it a way of life for me. I Love him and he Loves me and that's all there is to it. It just seems natural.

I've just gotten off the phone with the police because the couple that lives upstairs seems incapable of maintaining their dysfunctions within the confines of their own four walls. She is QUITE pregnant and he seems to have no regard for her condition. They are constantly fighting and yelling and arguing and the sound of her sobbing carries down into my apartment. I sat and debated whether or not to call for few minutes until I decided to just do it. I don't know if that man beats her or not. I don't really think it's worth risking the possibility so I called for someone to stop them fighting.

The police have arrived and things seem to have calmed down, though through my window I can still hear her crying: "We have no money . . . . .we have no car . . . .I want to go back home." I feel kinda sorry for the woman, but at the same time I'm angry with the two of them because it seems that they just need to get away from each other. I'm sorry neither of them has the will power, much less the means, to just get up and leave. Moreso, however, I feel sorry for the kid that's going to be born any day now. He has no idea what he's got coming to him. He has no idea what he's going to be born into, and he'll probably end up just as fucked up as his parents.

Thank God my mother taught me how to be independent and have self-respect.
Thank God my dad has been as wonderful and supportive as he has.
Thank God I have a family that's proud of me whether I'm at NYU or Tallahassee Community College.
Thank God I have as many opportunities and as much ambition as I do.
Thank God I'm not knocked up and thank God that even if I were, I'd have people I know I could always count on.
Thank God for my health.
Thank God for Love.

And thank God for Jay.

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Today stinks.... [07 Oct 2003|12:26am]
[ mood | pouty ]
[ music | Pearl Jam - "Jeremy" ]

So for the most part, I was gonna just let today slide, but I've just reached the last straw. Today stunk.

I got a 65 on a test I thought I'd done MUCH better on because while I did make several very minor mistakes, the big mother screw-me-over of all was that I only got 3 points on a question that was worth 20 points. 17 points gone de un tiro.

I had a calculus test immediately after and once again those high-rollin' questions screwed me up again. I'm breezing through the test thinking to myself, "I know this, I know that, I . . . holy son of a cracker I've completely forgotten how to do this problem, and oh look! It's worth 8 points." Now when you have 3 of these problems, things start to add up against you. At best, I got 46 out of 70 on that test.

I have a lab report due tomorrow. I did all of my calculations and was about to start writing the summary when I realized I'm missing a rather substantial piece of information: the uncertainties of ALL my measurements and calculations. This may not mean much to a whole lot of you, but my physics teacher wants it ALL in there. I would obtain these numbers from several graphs that I have to analyze. However, the program I'm using to analyze my data doesn't include this very necessary bit of information. If I didn't need to include it in all the rest of my calculations, I would just wait til I got to school and redo the graphs on the program at school that works like it's supposed to. But it's too much work to leave off til tomorrow at school. I'm going to lose points for not having a +/- quantity at the end of all my measurements. :0(

Jay and I have been talking a lot lately and things for the most part are great. I Love him as much as ever if not more. But as a result of all the things we talk about, one thing has become strikingly apparent to me. In terms of ideology, we're almost diametrically opposed. We get along great, and there's lots of love. The passion's never been lacking, but these differences will come to a head some day later on down the road and that upsets me. For now, my biggest grievance is that our geographic coordinates don't agree. I guess we'll just see what happens when we get there.

I'm having to stay up much later than I'd anticipated and that sucks ass because tomorrow is my long day and I really need to be on the ball. I'm at school from 10am til 5pm, ending my day with lab. I hate going to sleep really late monday nights, and yet I always do because I have so much to do to prepare for the next day.

And then the straw that broke the camel's back....

In my frustration with my lab report I decided to make myself some tea. I went to the kitchen, boiled some water and put a teabag in my mug. I poured the hot water into the mug, let it sit for a second while I put the kettle back and came back to do the little teabag jig. (You know, you wrap the string around your finger once and then bounce the teabag up and down in the hot water so it'll steep faster.) Fucking teabag fell off the fucking string. No teabag jig. No proper steeping. Just weak tea. *begrudgingly takes sip of what is essentially hot water*

I just want to toss in the towel on today. bah. :0{

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Key to Everlasting Youth Found in Meatball Sub . . . . [23 Sep 2003|03:02pm]
Today I had my first meatball sub since high school. You know how sometimes a specific sound or smell or taste will recall a certain feeling or memory? Everything was just right today: it was sunny, cool, crisp, not a cloud in the sky as I walked out of the student union with the taste of "a 6-inch number 1 w/ mayo and parmesan and a medium lemonade." It was the same thing I used to order every time we went to Subway back in Hialeah. I was immediately transported back to fall of senior year. I remembered myself walking back to class after lunch, cocky and content as anything, because I had great friends, I was in Love, and now I was one of the big kids. I was a bit jarred at first since I never expected myself to become so nostalgic over high school. But then almost immediately afterwards I felt strangely comforted.

I've underestimated high school all along, havnig been so desperate to get on with my life, but my God. Adults really aren't shitting you when they say you'll miss it when you get older and that it's one of the free-est(sp?) times of your life. I sat in the Union eating my sub and in my head I was at Subway listening to Danny tell me for the 83rd time about this place in Jersey (or was it New York?) that made the best meatball subs EVVVVer. I remembered, REALLY remembered what it felt like to just take off for the beach in the middle of the day because it was just too damn beautiful out to be stuck in class all day.

I guess there's something I should be learning from all this. high school turned out to be pretty great despite all the cabezazos and heartaches. I was in such a hurry to get to college because I thought that's when I'd really get to start living, only now that I'm finally here I"m desperate to start my career. I'm desperate to finish school so I can get to the bottom of the professional totem pole I so badly want to be a part of. I'm increasingly grateful for the experiences I had and also the people who went through them with me that made my life that much richer and more interesting.

As it turns out, "life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
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[08 Jul 2003|06:10pm]
[ mood | loved ]
[ music | The Roots - "Seed 2.0" ]

And now for something totally mushy . . .
(Peewee, that's your cue to turn and look the other way before you hurl) ;0)

I'm hopelessly in Love with Jay. It's wonderful. I'm constantly thinking about him, how much I just Love being with him, and how I'm looking forward to seeing him again, even if it'll be in the next 3 minutes. He's cheered up substantially and that's made things a lot easier for us. We've started our tango lessons and that's been soooo much fun. I think we're pretty good at it, if I do say so myself. Granted, my big toe is out of commission this week as it was stepped on not only by my Love, but by the instructor as well. I'm still really happy that we've started doing something together that neither one of us knew anything about and that is unique to us.

Jay makes me giddy. We've been together almost 16 months, and he still makes me smile as much as he did that first day he kissed me. *HA-LALA!* :0D

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"Hi, my name is Patty and it has been 4 weeks since my last update." (crowd drones:) "Hiiii Patty." [24 Jun 2003|01:41pm]
[ mood | empty ]
[ music | *computer fan whirring* ]

Hey folks, It has been exactly 4 weeks today since I last updated my journal. I haven't much been in the mood really. There's been a lot going through my head, but I guess I just haven't really had the energy to sit down and type it all out. I'm not so sure how driven I am to write this entry right now anyhow, but I figure I owed it to anyone that was curious, as I have just short of fallen off the face of the earth.

I'll start with the short, easy stuff. I got a job. For the past 3 weeks I have been an employee of Image Perfume, a little perfume boutique/shop at Pembroke Lakes Mall, which if anyone recalls is rather large and definitely not a "backroad" mall lest you should compare it to Sawgrass Mills or Aventura Mall. I have spent the better part of these last couple of weeks at work, when I've not been with Jay. As mentioned in my previous entry, I have enrolled for classes at BCC, which will start the day after tomorrow.

For the most part I have spent very little time at home, because I've been spending a lot of my time with Jay. We've seen each other just about every day since he's been home, but it seems perhaps that's not the best idea. His having been sent back early from camp has had it's toll on him and by extension on me, and by extension on us. He's become quite moody and I don't hold it against him. He's been through a lot of crap and I can't blame him for being down about it. It's the equivalent of somebody coming up to me and telling me, "Hey Patty, you know how you've always planned on being a doctor? Well, it's not gonna happen. No ifs, ands or buts about it. It's just not." Jay thinks it's silly, but the only reason I'm not disappointed in him (apart from how proud of him I am all the time anyways) is that at this point I really don't think it was meant to happen. Jay feels that this train of thought is just something that people say to comfort themselves, but I firmly believe it. He's gone through so much trouble with that fucking scholarship that there doesn't seem to be any other reason to me. He had it, he didn't, he had it, he didn't and now it's in limbo because he's "under investigation" and he doesn't know what the hell is gonna happen. Anyhow, this has presented a lot of stress to him, and it's frustrating that due to his altering moods I never know how to approach him. I'm not frustrated with him so much as I'm frustrated with the whole situation. It really pisses me off and breaks my heart that he should be put through all this. At the same time I keep telling him Somebody must've been trying to tell him something. He himself mentioned that he would wait for second chances to get something right. After he pointed it out, it seems to have been a fairly active mentality for him then, and perhaps he kept waiting for second chances on bigger and bigger things until God or whatever kicked his ass and said, "Cut that out. Get off your ass and do it right the first time if you're gonna do it at all." I remember his mother telling him the first day back that he should've been in better shape to pass that PFT and stay at camp. But he failed because he sprained his ankle, and even if he'd been in the best shape, he still would've sprained his ankle.

I'm not sorry that he's had to learn this lesson. I am sorry that it had to reach this degree. I am sorry for all the grief he's going through as a result and I'm sorry that I can't just blink it all out of existence for him so that his summer wouldn't be ruined. I myself am losing my patience with that fucking review board and every day I wake up and hope that that'll be the day that they call Jay and tell him what's going to happen with him, rather than keeping him in suspense over his future.

As for my role in all this, I've had a little trouble trying to find my spot. I mentioned earlier that I've seen him just about every day, but that perhaps that's not the best approach. The word "suffocate" came up in the discussion we had the other night, and so as a result I've taken a "Ok, then I won't do anything until you call me" stance. Due to his newly accquired moodiness, I can't tell if he wants me nearby, if he doesn't want to be touched, if he wants to be alone or anything. It's created an awkwardness for me because I really just don't know how to approach him sometimes. Sometimes he'll be really standoffish and I'll kiss him real big just to make sure he's still alive under there, but that seems to be having an adverse effct. So I've kinda decided I'm not taking the first step anymore. In an effort to give him his space, I'll only go over if he asks me over and I'll hold my kisses until he kisses me. It's not easy because I want to be with him and I want to kiss him and constantly show him how much he means to me, but I'd rather not push him away right now. When things are more comfortable on his end, I guess I can reassess the situation and go from there. For now I'm walking on eggshells.

-----
I miss Yen a lot. I'm really excited that she's off in London and Paris and Scotland and all that good stuff, but things aren't the same without the Ethel to my Lucy (or sometimes the Lucy to my Ethel). I've been pretty lousy about calling her and I know she's upset with me for it, but by the time I get around to it's about 3am over there and she has class first thing in the morning. I'll admit sometimes I'm just not up for it. I've never been too good about keeping in touch with people, but lately I've just not felt like calling anybody up. I've had various other things on my mind and as a result have neglected my other friends as well. I don't mean to. I've cancelled on Rox and Vanessa a couple of times, but somethings have sorta just gotten in the way. I'll be called into work at the last minute, or something will be up with Jay. This Saturday I had really been looking forward to seeing them when they called me to get together for Danny's homecoming, but I was already going to a party with Jay. I told them I'd call them back when I figured out what I wanted to do, but by the time I decided I wanted to see them instead they'd already made other plans. Guess it kinda serves me right for thinking they'd be waiting for me again. I haven't taken any initiative myself mostly because I assume scheduling conflicts (Rox with her 9-5, and Vane working everyday plus having Raul), but I also have just not been up to it. I've been in a funk for a little while (sympathy pains perhaps?) and am mostly running on autopilot. I'm not up for bringing everybody else down. I've got no particular inclination to have someone ask me, "So how's it going?" and for me to answer, "*shrug*" because then I'll get asked about it and I really don't feel like talking. I don't prefer to be labeled una infeliz. The really ridiculous part is that I have the audacity to get lonely when I purposely isoalte myself. Meh. Whatever. It'll pass.

----
I'd like to go with this "autopilot" idea for a moment. Every morning I wake up and find myself irritated that I have a whole day ahead of me. I toss and turn in bed for about an hour to try to get myself back to sleep, but lo and behold I must arise. I dread getting up because I have to face the fact that I will drone through this new day until I get back to bed at night. It's been a long time since anything really moved me and that bothers me. The ironic thing is that I think I'm more sensitive now than I have been in a really long time. A part of me is disappointed in that I've been able to distinguish why exactly it is that I'm not an artist. I haven't got a creative bone in me, but rather I'm "crafty." I'm Martha Stewart when I'd like to be Monet, or that singer from the Audioslave song that really makes you feel what he's singing. I'd like to be able to move somebody like that, to present something in a way that nobody else has looked at something before as any good artist should. I realized just the other day that for all the years that I've played the piano, I don't feel like a musician. I met musicians in New York, I've met musicians in the time that I've been with Jay, and they've all got a passion for their instruments that it saddens me to say I don't think I have. Perhaps I'm playing the wrong instrument, but I think what they have transcends even that. They have a passion for making music and while I don't know what I'd do with myself if I were deaf, I don't find that same zeal within me. Mrs. Mark told me once that she thought I had the heart of an artist, but I find myself looking down my shirt asking, "Where?" Maybe I'm not an artist, but an art critic. I can't make anything worthwhile myself, but I know when something works and when it doesn't (for me at least). Even now that I look at all those collages I used to make, they just seem kinda stupid to me. I don't see that there's anything original about them. You just pick a theme and get lucky with the cutouts you find and stick them together. I guess one thing feeds into the other. If nothing moves me, then I lack any and all inspiration with which to move someone else. There are things that I'd like to pick up (drawing, painting, photography, the guitar) but I lack the motivation.

.....And now I've lost my steam. I think I've spouted enough crap for one day, and am in no mood to make myself any more vulnerable. That is just about all that I've been tossing about these days. I think I'm quite through. On a side note, do you think it's possible to lose your optimism? I also notice I've become uncharacteristically pessimistic. That irks me.

Whatever. I'm done. Hope everyone's up to some good!
HUGS FOR EVERYONE!

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*lights a candle and prays a rosary* [27 May 2003|12:30pm]
[ mood | relieved ]
[ music | Phantom Planet - "Lonely Day" ]

It seems my begging and pleading and questioning has cracked some sympathy on the part of the deities in my favor. *SIGH!*

I went to BCC this morning and signed up for some classes. Albeit they aren't the ones I'd originally wanted to take, pero "Algo es algo" dijo el calbo cuando se vio el pelo en la frente. (That was one of Mom's sayings.)

I'm taking Western Civilizations and American History, which I have to take anyways to get my AA.

Also, I thought I'd continue on the job hunt and the first place I called was Express since I had left an application with them. Turns out they ARE hiring and they already have my application so I just need to speak to their hiring manager in half an hour when she comes in.

Oh joy! Oh rapture! Things are looking up again.

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BOO-YAH! [19 May 2003|02:05am]
[ mood | excited ]
[ music | Audioslave - "Like a Stone" ]

So all my bitching this semester about chem lab has not been for naught . . . . . *silence*

Anyhoo, I just went online to check my grades. So far only two are in. I got a C+ in my comp sci class (that's a million times better than I expected to get) and a B+ in chem lab (although I really think I shoulda gotten an A, but a B+ is fine.) That rocks ass, cuz last semester I got a C-.

So far, this brings my GPA to 2.317.

Take that and shove it up your bitch ass ...um... Chemistry!

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