A wild Fire born of frustration

I found out I was pregnant at seven months. I was never sick, never gained weight, never had irregular periods, never had any signs whatsoever. When I found out I cried for weeks, and when I told him I cried even harder. I knew he was done with me long before he finally had the guts to tell me, he just happened to finally find that courage three days after I told him we were having a baby.. Two years of us and he walked away.

I never thought my life could be turned upside down so dramatically within the span of weeks.

Yesterday, my mother's dog got him by a car and died.

Monday, my father's dog is being put to sleep because of a tumor in his throat.

Sometimes I think we take the loss of pets worse then people.

1:09 am.. I woke up simply to go to the bathroom, but in the process of doing that and swapping laundry over I started thinking about the day ahead. My to-do list just went from reasonably overwhelming, to stomach turning in the span of fifteen minutes and now I can't sleep.

My sleeping skills are generally not something I'm proud of. Isn't that sad? I cat nap my way to about four or five hours of sleep per night if I'm lucky. I'll sleep for an hour, wake up, sleep for another two, wake up, etc etc until the alarm goes off. Last night I somehow managed to squeeze in three hours of straight sleep before starting the up every hour bullshit.

I'm so tired...

I thought I couldn't hurt anymore then I did, but I do.

Girls are stupid, they're always the one to cry.

Sometimes no matter what I do or how hard I try, it just seems like everything I do is wrong. I have been back from vacation for over three weeks and it seems like one shitty day after another.

He calls me names and yells, but turns around and says he loves me. He says I'm jealous of his friends and that I'm selfish, yet he wants to marry me. He tells me how bad he wants me, but then disappears for weeks on end.

I used to lay in bed and cry myself to sleep. Not so much because of him, but because I turned into someone I didn't know - I let myself be a victim. I walked away for the fourth time in two months, but this time I didn't cry.. It makes me laugh, how can over a year of second chances still not be enough?

I met a man and his name is Jake. I think I might have found my soul mate, as corny as that sounds. We're always on the same page, except when it's time for bed and he's not ready. Then he'll nibble on my hair and my toes until I make him sleep in his own bed. Oh and there is also the whole shitting all over the place thing, but I forgive him for that since he will pee where he's supposed to.

Yes, I got a puppy. Scary thought? He turned three months old on Sunday.

Sometimes the simplest tasks seem to be the hardest.

I can't even find the energy to drive five minutes to the store and buy garlic bread for dinner.

Maybe that's why I've been eating peanut butter and jelly for two weeks - no motivation.

That men either spend too much time, or absolutely no time, worrying about getting a woman off during sex?

The end result almost always seems to be the same either way - it still ain't happening.

I think I need to meet some new guys.. :)

I got a job offer.

One step down from assistant.

I dunno.

I'm just going to complain now. Ok? Yeh, I thought so.


/ I'm not crabby in the mornings, but when I wake up from naps I'm vicious. I don't understand it.

/ Winter is finally taking it's toll on my body. I made it pretty far without having dry skin and now it's out of control. My hands are the worst, but that's mostly because of work. They've started splitting at the fingertips and at the cuticles, it's painful and easily infected. My fingers are officially raw.

/ I don't like when men say 'I Love you' all of the time. If in the span of five minutes, you say it nine times, that's insane and you need to be beaten with a stick you obsessed bastard! Eh, maybe I'm just not that affectionate of a person.

/ Bre got his car impounded today. He had illegal plates. Yeh. Guess who gets to be a taxi again? Yeh.

/ I spend tons of money on bottled water and that makes me very angry. I buy water. Why? Because if I don't have bottles I wont drink it. It's too much effort to find a clean cup, go get ice, and turn on a faucet. I'm a very lazy girl, but at least I'm drinking my water.

/ My tummy is upset so I'm going back to bed. Gek

I'm snowed in with an obnoxious roommate and no juice. I just want some fucking juice, orange preferably, but I could handle apple if forced.

I took Bj out for his birthday Monday, and Tuesday actually. I drank allot, and had to work at 7am Wednsday. I'm a sucker for sour apple margarita's, but a strong appletini makes my week.

God damned snowstorms.




(Chad - Are you still alive?)

There are two things in life that make me miss having a significant other. One being yesterday morning at six AM when I was pumping my own gas. It was far too cold for anyone of my beauty and general greatness to be out of her vehicle. The second reason is when it snows. That's what men are for, right?

Having my ex (semi) back in my life has been a bless in disguise. It's strange, but after all of this time I have some sort of funky closure. Talking to him and actually hearing him made him so much more then human.

It made him real and with that I lost all of my resentment toward him.

What a wonderful feeling.

Do you know Avenue Q ?

If not, buy the album. It's hilarious.

Hello, how are you?

Christmas and New Year's have both come and gone without much excitement. A few phone numbers exchanged, more then a couple arguments, and an ex - boyfriend randomly popping into the mix.

After a year I'm not sure what he thought gave him the right to send me roses, tell me how much he still loved me, and how much he wanted me back. After a year, I've moved on. It's not my fault if he didn't. Right? He made his decision, he goes into the air force in less than two months.

We talked for hours the other night about nothing. It was nice for a while, and then I started to notice the little things that used to drive me insane about him. Sometimes I don't understand why people think they can change the past, sometimes things are just better left alone.

I'm a bad mommy.

I'm feeding my kitten chocolate chip cookies and ranch doritoes.

Tomorrow I think we'll try peanut butter.

At nine am I was eating peanut butter from the jar with a spoon.

Okay, I lie. I pulled a Puck.. but it's my low fat peanut butter.

It's not even ten am, and my brother is drinking a beer.

That disturbs me a bit.

I get up two hours before I need to leave. I'm stumbling around an hour before I need to eat breakfast, and an hour and half before I need to even shower.

Bre get's up twenty minutes before we need to leave, and is still ready fifteen minutes early. Normally I'm still sitting in my jeans and a bra twenty minutes after the time we were supposed to leave.

I'll just pretend it's because he's unclean, and not because I'm slow.


Yeh, Pointless entry.