| May. 15th, 2006 @ 07:27 pm It's pro'ly not worth your time, but hey it's here to read if you feel like it. |
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Current Mood:  peaceful
Current Music: Internet Radio, not sure what song is playing right now.
So, I've been reading a fair amount this last week. I plowed from an amusing, if not literary great novel, entitled “Across the Nightingale Floor” in a grand total of three days. Now two days into Phillip K. Dick's “The Game of Players of Titan” I only have about 30 pages left. It's a truly enjoyable book, but I'm not writing for the purposes of review. I am writing because I believe I have realized a thing or two over this past week.
First off I am never more calm or at peace than when I have completely given myself over to a work of fiction. It is a true escape of reality, nothing enters, nothing leaves, everything is contained within me, and for whatever reason this makes me feel ridiculously calm. Now I don't always succeed in completely giving myself over to imaginary world's, but when I do I have no worries. Nothing can bother me, and while I can't say that this act makes me happy, it does at least put me at peace. This is a pretty big deal for me as I am oft thinking about something, or fighting a battle to bury something that I don't want to think about. Probably not the healthiest thing to do, but it helps me to get through the day. Also I've noticed that the effectiveness of my escapes go in this order (media wise):
1.Reading a Book
2.Reading Manga or Comics
3.Playing a Video Game
4.Watching a Movie or TV Series
5.Watching a Sporting Event
This I think makes a lot of sense as the activities that require more concentration and active involvement of the brain are the most effective in making me feel calm and peaceful.
Now this observation has raised an interesting debate within myself. Am I best off when I'm inwardly focused, closed off from reality feeling at peace or not? Certainly when I'm not engaged with the outside world I don't think I can be happy. Content and peaceful like I've said, but not truly happy. However, at the same time when stepping outside of reality I am never troubled by myself, my thoughts, or the trauma and sadness that can come with being with other people. So, I know ideally there is a balance to this problem, but I doubt my ability to ever find it. I tend to be more than a little manic and slightly obsessive at times. Hence why I can throw myself into a book or anime series like I do and simply devour the entire thing. The same happens with my emotions and thoughts in life I just get hung up on this or that and I can't let it go until it's all been used up or ingested. Perhaps I'm really lazy applying myself to things, because I don't want to get involved, so I don't have to expend the effort to take everything in? That's a rumination for another time though. Basically when I shut out the world I'm at peace, when I'm involved in it nothing but an uncontrollable ride ensues, and I'm not entirely convinced I like the ride, or possess the power to alter it in anyways.
This leads me to my second thought of the week; that being that I have been treading water since I was about 12 and at some point I need to learn to swim or drown. I think I've come to realize that there will be no random boat to come and pull me from the water I either have to figure out how to swim to shore or let myself go under. If I had to make a call I'd guess that I'll ultimately let myself go under. By this of course I mean, barring a freak accident, I will ultimately be the cause of my own demise. More than likely this won't happen for many, many years, but ultimately my death will be my own fault. Whether it be in dramatic fashion or through slow subtle sabotage of my own health, I honestly can't say, but as I haven't really found a reason to more forward and truly try to live for half my life, and it's the half of my life that I've been capable of critical thought, it seems unlike that suddenly I'm gonna figure out how to doggie paddle. Even if I do, the shores a long ways off, and I'm ultimately going to need to really learn how to make strides in order to close the distance at all. So, again I'm not exactly sure where this is heading, or when it will be heading, but I just get this feeling that one day the legs are gonna stop kicking and I'm just going to go under.
Well that's about it for what's been on my mind. Please don't take this to mean that I'm feeling particularly down or anything, because in fact I'm feeling quite relaxed and content. These are simply thoughts that have occurred to me, and at least seem to contain some measure of truth. Now, if you know me, you also know that this isn't to say I'm going to feel at peace whenever you happen to talk to me later: I could be riding a high, about to slit my wrists, or feel nothing but apathy towards all of creation. However, at the moment I feel nothing but calm and to a certain degree like I've learned something about myself. |
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asteroidblues37's journal
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