| The Upper East Side has no Soul |
[Sep. 10th, 2008|11:05 pm] |
Some children whose minds I'll have as modeling clay. These children, in my classroom, are so young. 4 turning 5. And expected to perform exceptionally to meet their parents' desires. These parents, in their multimillion dollar apartments, are all exactly the same.
The tuition is more than my salary. And they are just mush.
But they are valuable, beautiful children. And I hope they are not destroyed so early by the money they are bathed in.
I want to get them into their premiere schools, I just wish with all my heart that others had the opportunity as well.
The neighborhood I live in. These children. Don't have a pot to piss in.
Yet there I am. Serving up knowledge to the littlest millionaires this town can offer up.
No angel will come to them in their sleep. No angel will beg them to search for their wings.
I enjoy the job though, being a preschool teacher, and with hopes I'll be able to leave Crumpler sooner than later. I'm not exhausted yet, but I can't deny that these long days, every every every day, are going to soon start etching away at my reason to be here.
Dear Jonathan,
I know you do not read this, but I just want to let you know that you are my absolute completion. And it is your love that kept me in this city, and it is your love and encouragement that gives me the strength to take these long strides. You are my future. Shukran habi-bi.
With all my love,
Alexandra Ruth |
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| I'm so Snart! And Effing bored at work... |
[Jul. 20th, 2008|01:00 pm] |
Your IQ Score is: 142
Your mind's strengths allow you to think ahead of the game — to imagine or anticipate what should come next in just about any situation. Because you're equally skilled in the numerical and verbal universes of the brain, you can draw from multiple sources of information to come up with great ideas. The timelessness of your vision and the balance between your various skills are what make you a Visionary Philosopher.
In addition to your strengths in math and linguistics, you have a knack for matching and anticipating patterns. These skills and your uncanny ability to detect the underlying blueprint of most of life's situations add to your Visionary Philosopher mind. Two philosophers who share the same combination of skills you possess are Plato and Benedict Spinoza. Spinoza had insight into how things worked in the world. He could envision a future based on the patterns he saw in life, and used mathematical logic as a structure within which to present his philosophical arguments. With that base he was able to use logic to formulate his theories. Borrowing from his linguistic strengths he wrote eloquent texts and, therefore, was able to bring his philosophical ideas and structure to the rest of the world. His story exemplifies the talents that are present in the Visionary Philosopher intellectual type.
Whatever you decide to do in life, you've got a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a wide variety of ways. You can expand your mind to understand a situation. Your strong balance of math and verbal skills will help you explain things to others. For example, if you were on an archaeological dig and discovered an object, you could probably use your deductive powers to figure out not only what the object was but also how it was used. Given your ability to put things together, you are more than capable of inventing a life plan that is in synch with your perspective on how things were, how they are, and how they might be one day. |
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| Tolstoy |
[Jun. 29th, 2008|01:44 pm] |
So I just finished Anna Karenina. It took me about a month to read, but I think a month offers a good amount of time to take in all of the book's truths and philosophies. Of course now I want to reevaluate my life choices and deeply consider my beliefs and objectives, and I'm sure that will take another month of soul searching, at least, before I can even have a mild grasp of what is going on [in] here.
Or maybe I shouldn't even attempt to peel away the layers until after I finish War & Peace.
All I know is...
As I am now, I feel like Anna. But I can't allow myself that fate. |
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| life |
[May. 24th, 2008|04:53 pm] |
baby's back and i'm all updated in my educational career.
woo? |
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| the tick and tock of it all |
[Feb. 22nd, 2008|12:32 am] |
it's hard to find time to breathe lately and very little necessity for correct capitalization and punctuation while i'm at it. well if it is't this little journal i post my life in. i have been rather honest here, i have been. i haven't gutted myself and spilled it all, no, that'd be considered bravery and well i would never claim myself such well maybe only slightly but never full bodied. but i haven't work blankets over my face either.
well it's hard to find time to breathe between finding time to graduate, finding time to direct a show, finding time to pay the rent, and finding time to miss my lover. if you add it all up it equals on average 26 hours per day and isn't time expansion just amazing and impeccable when you have a level head about it all?
really though i've never known what it was like to have to schedule myself in in my own schedule, but i've also never really known what it was like to be in total control of myself.
what it comes down to is...i feel in control, and i mean by saying that that...i can do this. i can do all of this and i'm growing up all of a sudden and that's okay because i can do that too. it doesn't scare me so much now does it? no it doesn't at all.
in 3-4 weeks i'll know what comes next...i'll know if i'll be sitting with other poets in a graduate classroom, or sitting in my own classroom in front of 20 students. i suppose i could also just be sitting in this bag shoppe, but really i rather not...i mean...i would. i would. and i'd just write and write and write and write and i'm okay that too i am.
it's been three weeks since jonathan left for the middle east, and we're stronger every day. i think he'll be staying with me for the summer so we'll try our hands at married life (ha!) then disengage ourselves for the next year. if all goes well then all goes well. i'm pretty sure we're golden.
aaaaaaand exhale. |
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| this heart |
[Jan. 12th, 2008|05:30 pm] |
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was made to be happy :-) |
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| so in love. |
[Dec. 22nd, 2007|01:17 am] |
he's spending christmas here
and i'm spending new years there. |
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| he's short and that's okay |
[Dec. 9th, 2007|11:51 am] |
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i'm seeing someone. |
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| hey there jonny |
[Dec. 5th, 2007|12:55 am] |
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i really really really really really like you. |
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| strange |
[Nov. 17th, 2007|10:03 pm] |
So...I've been trying to get healthy.
I stopped eating meat...it's been two weeks and I haven't even wanted any. So far it's been easy. I've been different.
And I'm okay with that. |
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| I have a need to hide my face |
[Oct. 28th, 2007|10:51 pm] |
i feel so nauseous lately.
i don't know if i'm going to come back in the spring.
i just...
i am not. |
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| tick tock tick |
[Sep. 29th, 2007|06:53 pm] |
I'm suddenly getting older. And I think...
I don't have the time. |
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| Boy, |
[Sep. 4th, 2007|03:15 am] |
There's someone
Who I just can't get
Off this little old mind o' mine. |
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| Chomp Chomp Chomp |
[Aug. 31st, 2007|06:15 pm] |
Today I bought my first Crumpler Bag.
I think I made the right decision.
We'll see. |
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| Piss in the Dark |
[Aug. 25th, 2007|05:36 pm] |
Today I am working alone in a store that I have never been in before. It's been absolutely insane. It's an itty bitty store on Spring Street in Soho, so it's in the most popular shopping area in New York. I don't know where any of the merchandise is in the store, and when someone wants something that's not on display, I have to kick everyone out and lock the door, go around the corner and wrestle with the big basement doors in the ground to get to storage. It's crazy!!!! But it's also been making time go really quickly. I'm glad they trusted me enough to work alone...but I would rather they let me work alone in my store first, where I know all of the merchandise and know where everything is. But, I think it's been going well.
I had to pee, but I couldn't find the light switch in the bathroom, so I peed in the dark. It was weird. |
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| On This, That, and The Other Thing |
[Aug. 9th, 2007|03:56 pm] |
On Peace of Mind:
I've been avoiding certain things that I shouldn't be avoiding. And I'm searching for the balls to do what I need to do, but they're not under the bed and not in the closet, and I'm pretty sure I've double-checked all my drawers, and they're really just nowhere to be found. And they're not like keys or glasses. There was no last place I had them, and they are certainly not between my legs, where I'd least expect them. I'm sorry this is crude, but sometimes crude is fact.
On Work:
I'm at work now, and I have nothing to do. I usually have nothing to do but sit here and go online or read or write or pretend to straighten bags because lord knows it only takes a push here a pull there to straighten a few bags. Sometimes I wish they would give me something more to do or teach me how to sew. Can I explain? Well...I've been here for almost five hours, and have only had two customers. There've been a couple others entering and exiting the store, but oh look! There's one. But people are really very particular when they come here. Most people who buy things don't just stumble in, you know. They're really looking for something, usually a camera bag, and they saw what they wanted on the website. Half the customers are from overseas, a lot from Australia where the company started, and they seem to know more about the merch than I do. Ah well. I'm glad it's not a commissioned job. I don't like to force sales. I just like to give customers all the fun free stuff like fridge magnets and playing cards. It's a really wacky company. "Crumpler". Check it out. The website is wild.
More on Life, Love, Morals, Future coming later. My boss came back. She had her mole removed.
********
On Life:
Things are going. They're going well. I took out a loan to afford my rent for a little bit. I should be able to pay it back just like a regular college loan, so that was helpful. I'm loving living here, having my own place, and just feeling really independent. It's crazy having so many neighbors who are real neighbors and not just college students. There are a few, like the guys next door, but for the most part everyone ranges in age from 21 to mid-30s. And I love having a kitten...It makes me feel so responsible. It makes me feel like mommy :-) On another note, a tornado hit Brooklyn yesterday morning. It was wild. Half the trains were down and I got to know the public bus service around Brooklyn. It was also in the 90's, so it was like, pandemonium in New York haha. But it was strange...it was a very placid pandemonium. I liked it. I'm getting my portfolio together for grad school applications, and searching out programs in Belize. I'm not sure which one I rather do first. I don't know. I can always apply and reapply for both, so either way, life should be pretty groovy.
On Love:
Jason visited last weekend. It was really great spending time with him, and we still have only kissed since December 2005. I just don't know how to feel, you know. Like, being with him feels so right, so perfect. But I know it doesn't feel the "same" as when we were together. Yet still, the thought of 'falling in love' with someone else just doesn't feel right...I mean, since we broke up, the closest I've come to having real feelings for someone has been, well, one absolutely wonderful boy who I care very much about, but as things can't work out with him, I don't know...I'm rambling. All I know is...I've been single for almost three years, and I think I'm ready for something real again. Who really knows though...I don't even have a clue where I'll be next year. So it goes...
On Morals:
I'm up in the air here...
I'm still exploring the possibilities.
All I know is...
Peace. |
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| Psyche! |
[Aug. 3rd, 2007|01:22 pm] |
Inkblot Test!
Allie, your subconscious mind is driven most by Peace
You have a deeply-rooted desire to make peace in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with loved ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to be able to influence the world in a positive way.
You have a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it, and you inspire others to feel the same way. Your innate drive toward peace guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.
Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are.
I'm at work...
And this is what I do. |
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| V is very very extra-ordinary |
[Jul. 24th, 2007|02:43 am] |
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I am so so ready for someone to sweep me off my feet again. |
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