The rule you followed brought you to this

And so I stand alone. Of course, in the end, we all just stand alone.

Because inquiring minds continue to want to know.

***WARNING***
The following story involves things which most many people would consider very gross. If these things bother you do not read. If you decide to read, it's your own fault.

Starting Wednesday afternoon I took two pills that were supposed to get things going. Nothing. Later that afternoon I had to start drinking a fluid called TriLyte. It was in a huge bottle (about 4 Liters) and I had to drink it all. Several people told me that after three glasses it starts working very quickly. But, if it concerns me, nothing is that easy.
( more )

This may not turn out good when it's all said and done.

Thanks alot, Ike. You better come back here and clean this mess up you made in East Texas. I predict yard work in the very near future. As in today. Well, my arms are getting skinny, so the workout might help.


Edit:
Oh, for God's sake. marry_a_ljuser Who comes up with these things?

Well, I got back from a mission today. Nothing really difficult, but it took alot out of me when it shouldn't have. I am so tired of my slack intestines. I apparently can't eat anything anymore without it hurting, there's always pain, my stomach's started to become affected, and I'm still passing blood and other things I won't describe. I haven't had meat in almost three weeks. Do you know what that does to a man? I've lost 24 pounds in that time, thanks to the Super Chigurh Diet™. This pain makes it hard to do other things, too.

I am... so angry... right now. The next person I kill I'm going to take their intestines out and replace mine. In other news, I think Sammy's getting fat. Perhaps I should take him on a walk.

Because inquiring minds want to know:

It's been an interesting last few days. Wednesday night I suddenly experienced a horrible, horrible pain in my intestines. It felt like my entire intestines were on fire, being torn and shredded from the inside-out and had cramping beyond what any- and I mean any- intestinal flu or food poisoning could ever cause. Not only was the pain unbelievable but I couldn't believe that someones intestines could ever, ever produce that much pain. I spent the entire night in the bathroom, but there was a problem. Instead of passing stool I passed blood. Lots and lots and lots of blood. All night. The pain was so intense that it would make me nauseous. At one point the pain was so great I almost passed out. Almost.

Come morning it still hadn't stopped at all. Now, I do have some medical knowledge, but this was beyond my experience. I can't help but think that even if someone did have gastrointestinal knowledge, how exactly would one take care of it themselves? So, I had little choice but to go visit my most favorite place in the world. Under a pseudonym of course.

While there they took many samples and took lots of blood (as if I needed that). Every time they put something up there it stung so much that they might as well have dumped rubbing alcohol up there. Of course the whole time there I was passing more and more blood. At least the doctor and nurses were nice looking. After waiting for hours it was discovered that my intestines were inflamed, infected and there was tearing. Why? No one knows. So, I get to visit a new friend-o next month- a gastroenterologist.

For now I'm on some medicine and I'm not passing as much blood any more, but my fun's not over yet. Every time I eat anything I get the terrible pain again. So, right now, I'm on a mostly liquid diet. The worst part is that my stomach isn't affected at all- it's all in my intestines. I get so hungry but if I eat anything I really, really pay for it. I'm so hungry and see all this food but I can't eat it. What gypsy curse has befallen me? At least I can feed the food around here to Sammy- the garbage disposal eating machine he is.

Due to a post in deviantartsnark I have been introduced to the eclectic and entertaining world of DeviantArt. I shall run a series where we take a look at some of this art and make critiques, comments and insults.


Let’s start off with my pin-up girl photo.
Here’s my photo from the Sports Illustrated Summer Swimsuit Issue, complete with Watergun Clyde™ and girly thong underwear.
At least the artist redeemed herself some by drawing a manly man version of me (for the ladies).

This creeps me out. Seriously. I’m reminded of Michael Myers for some reason.

I believe in Harvey Dent.

Here is a new concept for the cover of the NCFOM DVD, brought to you by Ianyoshi, age 3.

WIP my butt. Also, I wouldn’t brag about this taking you 10 minutes to do.

This woman. She seems familiar.

Cameos, cameos, cameos.
I actually really like this.

And we’ll wrap this up in the Poetry Corner, because it’s always important to write your movie reviews on the public restroom walls.

Edit:
Sammy. Or not.

Well, well, well. Look who we have here.

I can't embed this interview, so go here then choose Wed. August 6. Wait for a stupid random commercial to end and choose Act 3.

These people are going to end up driving me mad and I end up shaving my hair off in a rage.


Edit:
It has come to my attention that people outside the U.S. can't view this video. Therefore, after being inspired by watching Indian videos on TV today, I give you...


Benny Lava.

Well, I got back from a job and it turned out interesting. I won't get into too much detail but I was sent to take care of a certain individual. The chase ended up in the Gulf. I obtained a speedboat to catch up with his leisure boat. He thought fleeing to the water would save him- how foolish. I must admit though that the sea was choppier than usual since Edouard was slowly approaching.

I finally caught up with him and commandeered his boat. Things were going good until I got a little closer to port and the Coast Guard showed up in their speedboat. Let's just say there was an exchange of fire and... my boat caught on fire.

***


So, I had to commandeer the Coast Guard's boat and depose of them. Sadly, one of my guns went down with the burning boat. I'm not sure if coming into port with a Coast Guard speedboat made me more or less suspicious, but I pulled it off.

When I went to report to the person who hired me he was a little disappointed that I didn't have any evidence of my victory, but after hearing the story and knowing my reputation he knew the mission was successful. I charged extra for this job. I'm not James Bond.


***No, I didn't take a picture of the actual boat on fire. This is simply a representation.

Edit:
Whoa. Two Words- Bad Timing

Hey, da_anners, see what you have to look forward to. At least I found one of the 18.

In more important news I think Sammy has actually grown even more. How much bigger can he get? Did I find a mutant slug? Maybe I'm feeding him too many mushrooms.

For my final round in California I watched the out of control fires and went to the Redwood National Park. Here are some photos from the California fires.






Evidently the deer aren't concerned about the inferno behind them.




I believe this photo speaks for itself.


Seeing the huge Sequoias confirmed my belief that humans are just a fleeting moment in the history of this planet and aren't as great as they believe. But, my true mission was to see a banana slug. For some reason I've always been fascinated with banana slugs and wanted to see one for myself. It took a few days but I finally found one. Sort of. I was walking and a thud happened in front of me. Apparently a banana slug fell out of the Sequoia and landed in front of me. I'm glad it didn't land on me. Good thing it was a mollusk or it would've broken every bone in its body. I took this as a sign that he wanted to come with me so now I have a pet banana slug.



Isn't he neat? His name is Sammy. I know, I know- not very original. I didn't have anyplace to put him so I had to buy some new boots so he'd have a box to temporarily stay in. Now I need to do some research to find out what banana slugs like to eat. Besides beer.

Edit:
( Someone made me an illustrated guide of my trip. )

I have to admit that San Francisco is an... interesting... place. Not everyone could live here. One place I went to was the Aquarium of the Bay. Underwater creatures fascinate me. They even let you touch sharks and rays there.



O.K., so I really didn't touch that one.

I also went to the Ripley's Believe It Or Not! Museum. I love those places. You learn amazing facts while looking at strange and freaky things. I also saw Chinatown- the place where everything is for sale. I'm serious. I bet there were even children for sale in the back alleys. This fight happened in the street which seemed like it came right out of a martial arts movie. I was half expecting Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker to show up.

Of course, no trip to Frisco is complete without seeing Alcatraz.



That place was hardcore. I wonder if I would have been able to escape from Alcatraz?

Now I'm heading to the redwood forest to look at oversized trees and, if I'm lucky, see a banana slug.

Since I had to drop Santiago off in San Diego I decided I'd stay here awhile and sight-see. Why waste a trip after all? Plus, after dealing with Santiago for a month my nerves could use a rest. It's been an interesting time. I went to the famous San Diego Zoo to see what all the hype was about. It's a really nice zoo with many attractions- I'm impressed. One really neat attraction was the Cheetah Run Safari where I got to watch cheetahs run at top speed.



I also went to SeaWorld. I've been to the one in San Antonio but have never been to the San Diego one. Before you ask, yes, I saw Shamu.

I went to the beach a few times but mostly in the early morning and at night. I don't like being on the beach when it's overcrowded. I also went on a cruise tour which has inspired me to possibly get a boat. I've been to a few museums including the Maritime & Fleet Science Center. It was interesting taking one of those sight-seeing guided tours- you learn alot of interesting facts. Today I'm heading out to San Francisco.

Edit:
Look. Someone sent me the Seal of California.



2nd Edit:
Someone has requested I kill Barry Bonds.

O.K. travishnu, I'm done with him. When do you want me to return him?

Where to begin. Santiago and I have been building a new shed. We had to tear the old one down due to severe damage from the whole fangirl/squatters incident. It was very sad having to show him how to use the tools. How has this man been able to survive this long knowing so little? So we were working on the shed and Santiago laid a board down with nails sticking up which- by the way- I told him not to do. While he was throwing a temper tantrum with the hammer and nails he slammed his hand down on- you guessed it- a nail. Specifically, the board with the nails sticking up. It went all the way through his hand. It’s a good thing many puncture wounds don’t bleed a lot because, to be honest, his blood freaks me out.

Since he’s never had a tetanus shot I knew this could end up causing some problems, especially by how filthy he is. Unfortunately most pharmacies don’t carry tetanus shots so I had to take a visit to the local hospital. In order to bring as little attention to me as possible I acquired a doctor’s uniform and went to the storage room in the ER. When I started to leave after acquiring what I needed a nurse stopped me. She mistook me for the new doctor and told me to see a patent in room 5. If it weren’t for all the people around I would’ve taken care of the nurse my way, but I didn’t want to bring suspicion upon myself- especially in the ER. So I go to room 5 and there’s a girl there with a deep cut on her arm. A simple stitching. The whole time I’m sewing her arm up she kept harassing me about “do you know who you look like?” I was very glad to be done with her. So now Santiago has gotten his shots, his hand is dressed and we’ve been back to building the shed.

A few days ago I went to Blockbuster to get a movie. When I went up to the cashier she told me my account has been suspended and I’m banned from Blockbuster because I didn’t return those movies and wouldn’t pay the outrageous fine. I just can’t get a break lately. Have you ever been to a store and seen a sign at the register saying “do not accept checks from this person” with their name and photo on it? I wonder if Blockbuster put a sign up saying “do not rent to this person”? Maybe I’ll send Santiago in just to see.

This is the reason I hate going to the store.

Heads. Heads. Heads-heads-heads-heads-heads.

I had santiago_junk clearing out The Green Inferno (see kudzu) yesterday and he got lost in it. I had to take a machete to the kudzu just to find him. After a few hours I found him and had him get back to work. Unfortunately, he got into a patch of poison ivy that was in the kudzu. Did I mention that kudzu is also a mosquito magnet? So now he has healing (sort of) fire ant bites, tons of mosquito bites and poison ivy. This man is a walking biohazard. I had to burn his clothes to keep the poison ivy from spreading. This man is running out of clothes.

He finished up the kudzu today so I believe we'll call it a day. I need to get some oatmeal bath, antihistamines, ointment, antibiotics and Dr. Pepper. I can definitely use him for a distraction. Looking at him is like looking at a train wreck. I hope he doesn't get pus all over my house.

We might rest for a few days. I need sleep- this guy is exhausting to be around.

The last few days have been very interesting. Santiago keep collapsing and passing out a lot the other day, so I decided to give him a break that night. I decided we’d go rent a movie so we went to Blockbuster. Once I picked a movie out I went up to the counter and it went downhill from there. The cashier told me I had a ridiculous fine because I didn’t return five movies. She said if I didn’t pay the fines I would be banned from Blockbuster. While discussing this with her Santiago thought he’d be sneaky and took a movie from the shelf and an Indiana Jones shirt. For some reason Blockbuster had this huge display of Indiana Jones merchandise. I refused to pay the fine so we left. Once in the truck Santiago proceeded to show me his stolen goods. I had to show him that the movie case he stole was empty because they don’t keep the DVDs in them. He showed me the shirt he- supposedly- got for me but it was a small size. So now I have an empty DVD package and Santiago has a new shirt.

We went to another movie rental place and got a movie. We watched Diary of the Dead. I chose that movie because I thought it would be educational for Santiago to watch. Because you never know when you’ll have to defend yourself from a zombie attack. After that I made him sleep on the porch, even though he’s earned his way to the couch. I don’t think he slept well that night.

The next day we worked on killing the fire ants* in one of my fields. I handed him a mild explosive and told him to put it in the mound and stand back about 7 feet. The explosive went off and ants went flying all over him. Great fun! He had to be treated for a lot of bites. After keeping him from dying from all the bites we went back to the mounds and I showed him how to properly poison the colonies. I do believe he learned his lesson on how dangerous fire ants can be and to not let your guard down around them.

On a more productive note his table manners are doing better and it’s not so difficult to get him to take a shower, but I suspect the bites have something to do with that.


* These are the red imported fire ants (RIFA).

santiago_junk and I didn't get to my house until late morning yesterday. Once there I had him put his stuff up and went to work. I have a dead tree on my property and he was going to cut it down- from top to bottom. I had to assist him with the ropes to keep him from falling out of the tree. I also had to show him how to use a chainsaw. I wonder if he’ll get through this with all limbs intact?

At lunch yesterday he was so disgusting while eating that I made him eat on the porch. I put his plate on the porch- with no utensils- and told him if he wasn’t going to eat like a human then he was going to eat like a dog. I did this for dinner, too. At this point he’s been sleeping on the porch at night. He has to earn his way to the couch.

This morning Santiago showed interest in attempting to eat like a person during breakfast, so I allowed him at the table. He’s trying, but he’s got a way to go. This… man… is not the epitome of personal hygiene. I make him take a shower everyday, twice a day if need be. There will be no filth in my house. By how he protests you’d think he was a cat, but it doesn’t matter.

Today he’s cutting the tree up for firewood and carrying it to the storage shed. Did I mention that the distance from the firewood storage shed to the downed tree is quite far? There will be many, many trips.

Last night I picked up santiago_junk to take him back to my place to begin his penitence. I wasn't too far away from the San Francisco area when the deal was made, so that worked out well. I drove all night but we still have a way to go to get back home. He seems to sleep alot- not that I mind. It keeps him quite. He better get his rest now while he can.

I also have to say he pees alot. And I mean alot. His bladder must be the size of a pea. I've lost count how many times I've had to pull over, which isn't helping our timing either. We've stopped to eat now. For being so skinny he eats more than I thought he would. His table manners are atrocious. I'll have to put an end to that.