ON FRIDAY MAY 9TH 2008

well i got up this morning and i was 98 pounds...woot..yes..now I'm back to what i was in September. now I'm going out tonight with Brock and Trisha and other friends to his house. i wasn't going to go but then Brock and Trisha told me that they called Travis to come but he said no; until they told him i was going to be there and he said I'll come then.

 

yes, i had a crush on him before and i was the last one he spoke to before he got suspended for skipping and smoking pot. so yep he's a winner. hes cute though...

 

OK so I'm suppose to spend my lunch with Ian I've nervous though...i still haven't decided if i was going to tell him we can't be friend or if i was...grrrrrrrr..i'm so indecisive. i like him so much...but Nichole..shes so sweet and she wants to be friends with me...this is so hard...this hole situation reminds me of that song from Taylor swift...tear drops on my guitar...shes so skinny but shes got n average face...I'm prettier but i can't cause problems when there moving in-together...so i could just be the friend and never let him know i have feelings for him or i could just stop hanging around with him . we do everything at school together..he comes to my house to eat and watch movies...this is going to hurt so much..I'll be losing a best friend and a crush in the end if i do this but i with not be a home wrecker...i wouldn't want that if it was me.

 

so I'll just concentrate on other guys and perhaps I'll get over him. I'm not in love so i think i can do this.

 

well i won't be eating tonight and I'll be walking a lot tonight...hopefully i don't get bruised up like last weekend.

 

think thin cause if you don't no one is going to make you skinny.

 

chrisa   

 

AFTERNOON

 

OK so Ian doesn't show up...so i leave and he comes out side to the smoking section...ware he never comes sits alone with me and we talk to hole lunch period...i chickened out so now i know i'm going to have to just befriends..shitty

 

then after school i went to Brock's..mom got pi-st owell...ended up eating..Travis showed up with loser brother...then smoked us up and talked to me then left to go to hooters...haha hes sticking his head out the window shooting hooters the hole time... haha his brother is so shy around me...couldn't even look at me...he must know how much i don't like him. Travis is suck a hypocrite...he tells me how much he hates his brother and how hes a fat fucker and how he wishes he dies then he ditches us to use his brother for 8 grams of dope and a night to hooter but come to think of it i would use him to...haha

 

OK met this boy bobby..kind of cute...feel for my seductive ways..won't stop talking about me to Trisha and now he keeps texting me and saying good night....grrrrrrrrrrr....

 

i was so ashamed to sun tan today but i still did and the gawking of my guy friends began....lol i have to many guy friends...

 

xoxo

chrisa

lol today was an off day. not with eating or anything. just with the fact I'm lonely when it comes to love. i was telling my dad last night that i hooked up Trisha and Brock...two of my good friends, and Brenna and Thomas..two of my other good friends and NOW there always double dating and i feel like a tag along and my dad is like are you going to date Brian and I'm like no I'm hooking him up with Shawna...then my dad said" oh...why don't any of these guys like you?"

 

 

um good question cause I'm fat..then i felt like crap the whole day and today. i just sat alone today and I'm planning to just hang out with my other friends today which will piss off Trisha and Brenna but really I'm feeling ugly and lonely and i miss brad. who obviously wants nothing to do with me. our plans always get fucked up. so I'm moving on...who cares right.

 

oh and another thing that really sucks is the fact that I eat 150 calz yesterday...today I'm not even hungry..i feel week...

 

I'm falling for my friend Ian who is already in a relationship. i thought if i met her I'd like her as a friend and then I'd stop liking Ian. which almost worked cause she was awesome. but i still like him , so today were spending lunch together and I'm going to tell him i can't hang out with him anymore. one thing I'm not is a bitch. i believe that you should never go for someone Else's boyfriend....its just wrong. i won't sink that low and in the end I'd just get hurt anyway..though I'm hurting now...oh the irony.

 

so that was in the morning..i wrote that

so now i waited at my locker for about 15 minutes...he didn't show up instead my pal ( hotie..Jacob hogart lookalike...but way more fit and without the lip ring) his name is tyler. well he comes along and sits with me asking me about what I'm doing this weekend and if I'm coming outside for a smoke. he has this huge Delicious looking hamburger and he's eating away with it. he offers to buy me one and won't leave me alone until i take a bite of his. so its just a bite right...wrong...well whats that like 40 calz.

 

I just got home and i get a message from Ian on facebook:

 

 

well thin is best and I'll achieve it

skinny will win

i will win

close to perfect

think thin girls

i believe in you.

well today i started my new opinion article for writers class. i chose the only thing i know alot about and that is pro ana sites. i feel like a hypocrite because i am going against it but really do support them. i feel a little guilty i can't lie. owell i know what they want to here. so the strange part is i just got caught typing this in that class...haha she read the first two lines and was like " what is this chrisa." I'm like well i wanted to see if girls suffering from anorexia would agree with me or if they wish perhaps pro ana site were no longer around. I'm researching basically. haha she fell for it.

 

its so interesting actually how my skill for lieing has developed into a talent of improve acting. all thanks to hiding my dear friend ana..wow now that does sound immature. I'm reading all these sites about people against pro ana sites. its really pist me off. what happens to the people that need support, didn't anyone think of that. if they didn't have us half of them would just role over and die, jump off a bridge to there splattering death. this is probably what they want for us to all fail. you know what would happen the week ones would ether commit suicide or get obese...then commit suicide. that's the out come. i know i would. i wouldn't want to live out my nightmare.

 

also did you here that France has banned all pro ana sites. yep and that was recently so out nightmare has just started.

 

well this is enough to get me to not eat for the rest of the day.

i won't let them pull me down

think thin

xoxo

chrisa 

so it was may 3 (weed march) man i didn't want to smoke up because i didn't have tums or even pepsi with me to stop my cravings for food if i eat. instead i did got realy drunk ad for the whole weeked pluss friday my whole calorie count is 1323  which it could have been worse, its just now i gained back that 1 pound and now i have 100 again. but today i'll be eating nothing...mom thinks i'm eating out so bla to her. i'll do a workout and go for a walk on the stair master.

 

i got a job interview so i don't know how thats going to go...haha its at subway...don't worry i won't be eating there.

 

well stay skinny for life. hugs

i have so much control lately and its making me so happy. i beat my platue; 100 is now 99 pounds.

 

my long long cold virus is almost gone. so that means I'll be working out more. i managed to go on an 20 Minuit's hike, that's 10 Minuit's into the woods to our fort to smoke weed, roast marsh mellows and hotdoge.or smoke cigs and drink, i drink rock-star now, lower calz.

 

i love this place my group of friends built this fort and its right in the woods outside my high school. skip or on your spear we go there , its like a perm-intent party that never really ends because it begins again at lunch. anyway we even have to Cross a stream to get there. so i burn at least 200 calz...and then i did my workout last night.

 

I'm so proud...i swear the tums wok as a diet pill...its awesome.

 

well girls have decided to go tonight to brads with Trisha and we will probably end up at robin for whatever party is going on. then tomorrow I'm going to Brenna's party... so i have decided.

 

hopefully do not eat,. i won't cause i don't want to look like a pig in front of sexy brad.

 

SNE (skinny never lies.)

 

i have 15 more pounds to lose.

 

i don't know what it is lately but I'm much more grounded then i once was. it take some moment though to snap out of it. i can feel most of the time that i might be slipping but i hold on to what i know is pure and that's not eating. who needs it beside to actually stay alive. that doesn't mean these selfish beings need to keep eating all the food.

 

my best friend is eating again. this is my anorexic friend. she just decided that she'd keep eating and now all she does is eat. she says its ok. its not but i have to respect her wishes and if she is getting over her demons i must support her. its just now she keeps telling me to eat. i have Finally got grounded and i feel good and she keeps doing this to me. i don't want to eat so fuck off. that's what i feel like saying.

 

    this new girl i have been hanging around with named Shawna is awesome. she told me that she was anorexic...that she suffered from it to. i felt like a pig when i was with her. she eat some cheese from a slice of pizza and that's it. i eat two slices of pizza cause i just finished my fast. that's all i eat. then we went with a couple other friends and smoked up. then we got back and i had the (shits) not joking it was like i was taking laxatives. i shitted every hour from 1am to 10 am in the morning. it was crazy i got dehydrated and almost fainted. i remember drinking from the tap to rejuvenate my self. this is the second time I've smoked pot on my period after a fast and this has happened.

 

    this weekend is going to be craze, i have to chose which party I'm attending. the won in the city with all my old friends, my friends Brenna's party with about 123 people, nice and one eating, or my friend Krystal's concert after party with a bunch of the bands coming...all my friends up in this small town. then theres the party, i call it the party because its with one of my close friends Trisha who respects my non eating ways...as long as i drink rock star with her which i hate how fruity it is. the party has cute brad that's been tyring to get his brother, my pal frank to bring me around. and it will be small and comfortable and come on its may third so we will definitely be getting high no matter were go.

 

usually i only have to choose between two party's but this time its 4.

 

it sucks because i might not be able to go to the one party where brad is because Trisha got caught skipping yesterday and well with me and her moms pist. hey i had a spear..hahaha...i couldn't get in shit and we just chilled with some of our friends in the forest so i don't know what the big deal is. but she did get suspended....stupid clown suspended her. I know her mom so she will probably let her go if she does chores...

 

well that pretty much what has been going on

 

life pretty good right now, still 100 pounds...Pepsi and tums so work to fill you up and get ride of that hunger feeling and pains....good thing Shawna told me about that...it relay does suppress hunger.

 

 

its so aggravating to know that you can fall for a guy so fast. its actually really pathetic and because i have so low self esteem i will not allow my self to think they like me at all, even when its obvious they do...I'm always telling my self no remember when you were younger and thought the simplest hello and friendly hug meant they liked you then they would get embarrassed when you had a crush on them then make fun of you and call you big buluca...do you even remember that there is no way I'm letting you date till you reach 92 pounds...cause then your date able and not embarrassing. it sound very harsh but its true. any guy that does like you is settling because they have low self esteem though they tell you your beautiful your not..so smart-in up and don't eat that go for a power walk...skip rope...anything active...cant control you fingers from touching the cupcakes your mother just made...stay away and take a nap till it passes. just please Christina don't touch that....hell never like you.

 

on a positive note i have lost 7 pounds...I'm hoping tomorrow ill go on the scale and see 99 pounds and then the next day 98 and then the next 97 until one day in may i see 85..though i might look to skinny but hello skinny is beautiful...toned.gorgous. that's whats important and now with prom coming up i don't want to look on it and realize that i can't deal with the fact I'm over weight and through away every memory of prom which will happen. that's what happened in grade eight grad. i was such a fat pig. i would ware a skirt and the girls would lol at me or make sly remarks..stupid selfish bitches and half were chunky them selves. thanks t them i know I'm fat and one day with be way better then them.

 

for no i love you and food is evil and disgusting.

i love broccoli though.

OK so I'm angry..yes pi-st off with this hole gaining loosing process...that week i lost 7 pounds...then my mother made me eat a hole Wendy's #2 meal and she wouldn't let me get the tangerine slices instead of french fries. i weighted my self this morning and i gained 3 pounds back.

 

prom is coming up...i have about a month nd a half to lose weight. so I'm umber determined cause last year i didn't go to prom because i didn't reach even close to my goal. I'm not letting that happen this time. i just can't.

 

    to help motivate me i made up a contract and got my mom to sign it. it basically Say's if i do not workout on the star master for at least 40 Minuit's, do my 0 Minuit walk at 7:00 Pm and my hour workout at 10:00 pm i do not get my 40 $ allowance. I'm still going to eat 200 calz the most which i have no problem doing...so that my motivation...i hate this platue I'm at..100 to 105 pound constantly...i must reach 85 pounds...no lower...i know I'll least reach 90 pounds...

 

    i even took out my prom dress and hung it up on my bunk bed so I'll always See it and be motivated...

 

    I will not be fatty chrisa in a prom dress...if I'm not at least 90 pounds then I'm just not worthy of attending prom.

so it hurts to say that i broke my self...yep you read that right. i thought that i would try to eat more well i hate it like i hate looking at fat people or the fat on me. oh and i also gained back the 4 pounds i worked so hard to lose. now I'm back to square one. i haven't eaten that much ever....a little exaggeration.

 

new plan affected immediately:

 

07:15 AM            Apple Cinnamon Tea

 

12:00 Pm            Diet Pepsi 1/2

 

02:47 PM            Diet Pepsi 1/2

 

04:00 PM            Vanilla Tea

 

06:00 PM            stick of low fat cheese/cracker/Bottle of Water

 

09:00 Pm            Bottle of water

 

10:00 Pm            hour workout

------------------------------------------------------

 

so now there is this guy from my church who likes me..supposedly but hes cute and my friends brother. ya i got teased today. whats the deal of my friends older brothers liking me...hello I'm fat...can't they see that...don't they care...its pathetic. actually the pathetic part is that he got his mom who is my moms friend to plan a lunch date..with the 4 of us...is this guy for real. hes really shy...I'm kind of not wanting anything . that's a first for me I'm single and not wanting anything. last month that's all i wanted and where did that get me. fat that's what.

 

for the girls who actually read my nonsense thanks...it keeps me going.

 

height=5 foot

cw  = 104

gw1= 95

gw2= 90

 

pounds left to go= 9 pounds

pounds to 2 goal= 14 pounds

summer bathing sute thisnsperation