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Feb. 24th, 2006 @ 09:00 pm Duck, It's Dick!
Okay, so I haven't posted in a while. It was hunting season. I was out killing things in bright orange jackets and stupid little hats. Priorities. You understand. But once I saw that Dick Cheney had started doing the job for me, I realized that I could maybe take a few weeks off and catch back up.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm really afraid to go out. I know that wherever I go, I will see ads for that darned "Bambi II." You know, that might be the "Schindler's List" of deer movies for all I know, but I'm still scared to see it because man -- how's it gonna possibly live up to the original? That movie is sooo flippin' sweet.

I dunno. If anyone else has seen it, write in and tell me. I'm sure Zee will be buying a copy one of these days. It's my duty as a deer to watch it ...
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Sep. 25th, 2005 @ 03:20 pm Urban warfare
So it's official. The city of Cedar Rapids, Iowa has decided that the best way to deal with "too many deer" is to send hunters out into city streets with ammunition to kill them all. Never mind the fact that they keep building, and flushing deer out of our natural habitat. If there were too many homeless people, and the solution was "well, let's just thin the herd!" you'd hear all kinds of people up in arms about it. But deer? Noooooo ... It's lock-and-load. The few dabs of human DNA still within me are ashamed of themselves.

Don't think this mutant will be taking this shit lying down. They want urban warfare? Bring it, beeyotches.
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Jun. 10th, 2005 @ 05:02 pm On the hunt in Iowa ...
Hmm. No sooner do I get back from an extended hiatus than I realize that my services will be needed elsewhere in a few months. Check this bull-honkey out:

http://www.gazetteonline.com/2005/06/09/Home/News/extradeerhunt.htm

Yup, looks like ol' Bart will be spending January in Iowa ... With M-16 in hand. I'm always running to the places where justice must be doled out, protecting my good buddies with a hail of bullets. it's good to be on the path of the righteous.

But nobody tell Zee.
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Jun. 8th, 2005 @ 04:03 pm Reindeer Rock
I should also note that during my "sojourn," I rocked out to Nine Inch Nails in California. Again, because it was one place where a freaky-lookin' mutant could blend in. At least, until the mosh pit got goin', anyway. Note to self: Mutants with healing factors and large, sharp antlers should probably have the sense to stay out of mosh pits. I really wasn't very popular in there.

Yeah! Yeah! "Will You Bite The Hand That Feeds?" You bet your ass I will! Oh, wait -- sorry, Professor ... Speaking of healing factors ... So hey, I'm gonna watch the MTV Movie Awards tonight, because as crappy as that show usually is, this time there's a reason -- NIN is playin'! Oh, wait -- crap ... Stupid censors. Well, maybe I can fly to Europe and catch them there. With my antlers, they'll think I'm a punk rocker. I wonder if I can get my antlers pierced ... Crap! Healing factor again ... That's why my tattoos never work out either ...
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Jun. 8th, 2005 @ 03:35 pm Tag Team, Back Again ...
Okay, okay, I've been away for a while. I understand folks were wondering what the heck was up. I kinda thought you'd have figured it out, but ... I've been hangin' out in cognito outside the Michael Jackson trial for the past month and a half. Why? Duh -- mutants have to support one another. It's amazing how, in a circus like that, you can walk around in a trenchcoat and antlers and nobody says anything. Or at least, that's how it used to be. Once the closing arguments were done and the jury went to deliberations ... Well, it got to be three days, and the fans were gettin' restless. So that's when they started noticin' my funny looks. Only not the way you'd think. Suffice it to say, after one too many people cornered me with "Can I have your autograph, LaToya?" I knew my mutant-walking-free grace period had ended.

That said, I had no idea that California was one of those places where a freak like me could walk around unmolested. Oh. Wait. I mean ... Umm ... I love you, Michael ... I'm representin' all da way, 'cause he's bad, he's bad, ya know it!
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Apr. 20th, 2005 @ 10:43 pm In Memoriam
No funny comments today. Wanted to take a moment to honor the victims of Columbine High School, who were killed six years ago today.

Unfortunately, the answers still aren't coming easy, six years later. And to make things worse, here's how helpful the parents of the two killers are being. This article ran today:

http://www.rockymountainnews.com/drmn/columbine/article/0,1299,DRMN_106_3714175,00.html

Pretty disheartening. One can only hope that one day they'll change their minds. We could all benefit from what they know.

Until then ... Hey. Remember those who are close to you, and be thankful for them. You never know when the day might come that they won't be anymore. So be grateful for every moment you have. And let those people know how much they mean to you.

Bart out.
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Apr. 4th, 2005 @ 02:08 pm J-Lo the filthy ho
I cannot put into words how much I dislike Jennifer Lopez. But she has gone too far this time.

http://music.msn.com/movies/hotgossipb4

Look, J-Ho, you can keep cranking out your crappy albums, and your crappy romantic comedies, and your crappy perfumes, and your crappy boyfriends/husbands/bitches, and whatever. But stop skinning my little forest buddies. I have no patience for people who think dead animals are a fucking fashion statement.

To make things worse, not only does Lopez not care about wearing Fluffy to movie premieres -- when PETA tries to ask her to stop, she censors them. Wow. An "artist" who doesn't respect freedom of speech. Man. I hope someone poops in her Cheerios.

Aw, Goddammit. Zee is upstairs playing "Jenny From The Block." Where is mutant solidarity when you need it?
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Mar. 23rd, 2005 @ 04:15 pm The quiz
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Bart
2. The Renegade Reindeer
3. Holy-Shit-What-The-Hell-Is-That

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. madreindeer
2. reindeer42
3. Fierosrulebeeyotch23

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My antlers
2. My reaction time
3. My way wit' da ladies

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My hairy chest
2. My singing voice
3. My constant need to pretend about my way wit' da ladies

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Alaskan reindeer
2. Midwestern deer
3. Whatever sap Professor Benton got his human DNA from

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Jennifer Lopez
2. Bright lights
3. Jennifer Lopez' name in bright lights

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: (aside from the obvious)
1. My computer
2. My M-16
3. Red Bull

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (at the moment):
1. Nine Inch Nails
2. Insana Clown Posse
3. Tori Amos

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (at the moment):
1. "The Hand That Feeds," NIN
2. "Murder Murder Murder," ICP
3. "Eminem Ain't Nothin' But A Bitch," ICP

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Walking around in broad daylight
2. Sex
3. Finding out how many body parts I can remove from a hunter while still keeping him alive

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. A girlfriend whose name doesn't end in ".jpg"
2. Actual dates
3. Understanding and kindness and ... oh, who are we kidding. Sex.

TWO TRUTHS AND TWO LIES: (no particular order)
1. I keep severed hunter heads in my living room
2. I am recording my first-ever rap album
3. I shot a Smurf
4. One time Zee and I did the "hand in warm water" trick on the Professor while he was sleeping

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Eyes
2. Smile
3. Let's be honest. Boobs.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Skinning hunters
2. Beheading hunters
3. Watching QVC

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Get laid
2. Kill some stuff
3. Drive a Formula One car. And run over a hunter with it.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Ninja Assassin
2. Ultimate Fighting Championship contender
3. Professional wrestler

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Australia
2. Japan
3. Disney World

THREE KID'S NAMES:
1. Gunnar
2. Trent
3. Max

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Get jiggy wit' da ladies (okay, wit' A lady)
2. Scare the hunters into never coming back
3. Bring down the Evil Empire that is Wal-Mart

THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I beat & kill things
2. I love fast cars
3. I would shag Angelina Jolie

THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. I watch "Buffy"
2. I like to stop and smell flowers
3. I would shag Angelina Jolie

THREE CRUSHES (current or past):
1. Angelina Jolie
2. Samantha Fox
3. xdagnytaggart, jerrica69 ... and every single gal on suicidegirls.com
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Mar. 20th, 2005 @ 07:15 pm The God of DeLoreans ...
Sad news. Today John DeLorean died. If you're not sure who that is, he's the dude who created the DeLorean sports car. The one that Michael J. Fox used as a time machine in "Back To The Future." It's also the car that was funded by cocaine deals. So in other words, way more interesting than a Honda. Actually, the DeLorean is the second greatest 80s car ever made. It's right up there with the Fiero. If I ever get a second Deermobile, it'll be a DeLorean. Because they kick ass.

To read more about our friend's passing, go here:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7248894/

Sniff. I need a few moments alone. R.I.P, John ... Thanks for the coolness.
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Mar. 18th, 2005 @ 05:01 pm Fan art ROCKS!!!
Wow! Guess what? This artist named Julia from Canada e-mailed a picture that she drew of me in all my bare-chested ass-whuppin' glory! And it's AWESOME! Boo yeah!!!

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/16212760/

That's pretty cool, that a stranger on the Internet would think I'm cool enough to draw. Canada has already given us Jim Carrey, Jacques Villeneuve and Terrence & Philip -- plus they bombed the Baldwins -- so I already thought they pretty much rocked. But now I have a new friend there, and she makes me look kick-ass. I tell ya, Zee is sooooo jealous ...

Oh -- if there's still any question as to how cool my new friend is -- she likes "Nightbreed!" DUDE! Everyone knows that Clive Barker is a genius and that "Nightbreed" is the most bad-ass of bad-ass flicks. Well, after "Bambi," anyway. "Nightbreed" is about a tribe of mutated creatures with violent tendencies who live together in a hideaway until they're hunted down by evil, stupid humans. Hmm, sound familiar, anyone? It makes me cry and think of home every time. Plus Danny Elfman did the music for it! The coolness factor is overflowing!!! Man, if you haven't seen "Nightbreed" yet then I don't know what's up your ass, but you better pull it out and then sit down with some popcorn to enjoy Mr. Barker's genius ASAP.

Until then, make sure ya check out Jules' website at www.watersoul.net. And tell her how much she rocks!!!
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Mar. 10th, 2005 @ 05:59 pm One ass-whuppin', coming up
Great. According to my vast array of informants all over the world (i.e. Zee logged on to Rudolph The Radioactive Reindeer's LiveJournal), it looks like my arch-nemesis is up to his usual evil. Should have known that "Bambi" on DVD would keep the mutant reindeer world occupied for only so long.

Apparently Rudolph made an attack on Naomi Watts in Hollywood to show his annoyance at the suckiness of "The Ring" and his desire to see some improvement in "The Ring Two."

Wait a minute ... That's actually kind of cool ...

Oh, all right, people. I know, I know. I'm the good guy and so I have to go kick Rudolph's ass now. Again. The demands of being a comic book hero. I hope Zee remembered to re-stock the beef jerky in the Deermobile.

But I'd just like to add that the world is in a pretty sad state of affairs when a homicidal mutant reindeer is considered "the good guy ..."
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Mar. 3rd, 2005 @ 03:39 pm Wow!
One million copies sold in the first day alone! Holy crap!!! Man is in the forest, but Bambi is in tha MONEY!!! Hey, B -- now that you're livin' it in high style, don't be forgettin' your peeps and homies back in the wood. Way to kick some ass!

Wow. I'm in such a good mood that I'm going to go watch my DVD again.
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Mar. 1st, 2005 @ 06:17 pm AT LAST!
IT'S HERE! IT'S FINALLY HERE!!!

New digital restoration. Two discs. Never-before-seen deleted scenes. Inside the story meetings. Hell, there's even a "Bambi's Forest Friends," all about the real-life animals that inspired the characters. Boo yeah. The Professor got back from the store at 1 this morning, the wrapping was off by 1:02, and I'm taking a break from 12 straight hours of "Bambi" viewing to check in with y'all. And already I'm itching to get back to the TV before Zee tries to steal it from me. Needless to say, I'm going to be otherwise occupied for a while.

Talk to all of you soon ... But for now, the phone's off the hook, kids. Woo hoo! Back to it!
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Feb. 28th, 2005 @ 08:13 pm One day more ...
T-minus one day ... Actually, t-minus just a few hours ...

Hey, I'm as excited as anybody. But you know what? I'm annoyed, too. To pick up my copy, the Professor is going to hit the only store that will be open around here at midnight: Wal-Mart.

Think about the irony of this for a moment. "Bambi" DVDs being sold in the electronics section ... just yards away from where they sell sporting goods. Yup -- parents can buy their kids a beautiful Disney movie about deer, then pick up their diabolical instruments of death, all in glorious one-stop shopping. I hate giving money to the Evil Empire ... But damn it, that's the only way that I get "Bambi" at midnight. I like principles as much as the next guy. But damn it, I have to show support for the little Disney dude ... and Thumper too.

Golly ... I'm all twitterpated ...
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Feb. 26th, 2005 @ 12:09 pm My favorite experience
T-minus three days and counting ... So after I posted the invite for folks to share their favorite "Bambi" stories, a few people wrote and asked about MY favorite story. Well, if you'd just go into the archive a bit, you'd find it. But far be it from me to deny folks ... so once again, here is the story of my greatest "Bambi" memory.

Remember the scene when Bambi's running from the hunters, and then he hears the gunshot and there's silence? And he waits for his mom, and then his father appears behind the snow and says "Your mother can't be with you anymore?" Man. I cry every time.

I tried to recreate it once. There were some hunters running away after I dispatched a few of them with an exploding Cabbage Patch Doll, and it was snowing pretty hard at the time. So I used their tracks to follow the survivors and put 12 rounds from my M-16 into some dude named Bubba Joe. So then I caught up with the other hunter, and stood in front of him in the snow and said in my best "Father Of Bambi" voice: "Your Bubba Joe can't be with you anymore."

He just kind of stood there, looking at me, as the snow billowed all around. Picture it. The beauty. The silence. The tranquility. The moment that he and I shared, two enemies brought together by nature.

Then I stuffed a grenade in his anal cavity and told him to run as fast as he could. Which was a pretty funny thing to watch, actually. It's hard to run when there's a grenade stuffed into your anal cavity. But I couldn't bring myself to laugh. I was too choked up. The beauty of that hunter hopping away across the plains, and then his buttocks literally exploding all over the white snow in a ballet-like pirouette of red, still stays with me. Especially when I watch "Bambi" reruns.

I had to wipe a tear from my eye when I saw that. At least, I think it was a tear. It might have been fecal matter. But regardless, I was moved.

Wow. Feels good to share.
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Feb. 21st, 2005 @ 08:24 pm Oui, Oui, gay Paris!
T-minus eight days and counting ...

BTW -- as hard as it is to think of anything OTHER than Bambi these days ... Did you all hear about Paris Hilton's cell phone getting hacked over the weekend? And that all of its contents were posted online, including the phone numbers for a lot of big-name celebrities? Now, I'm not saying that I know anything. And I'm definitely not mentioning how the Professor was locked away in his lab, hogging the Internet, all weekend. And I'm definitely not mentioning his mysteriously coming out to give me Lindsay Lohan's cell phone number, telling me to thank her for whuppin' Rudolph's ass a few months back. All I'm saying is ... if I DID know who did it ... that person should have just kept the numbers for him and me. I mean, him and whoever his buddy is. Cause it's not me. I mean, you know -- I'm just sayin, it would have been cool to have the chance to call up Ashley Olson and ask her out before every moron with an Internet connection tries the same thing. Geez, Professor, think ahead, man.

I mean ... that's what I WOULD say ... If I KNEW anything ... Which I don't. I'm going to just stop talking now.
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Feb. 20th, 2005 @ 02:23 pm New stuff!
Wow! Found a whole page featuring all-new details on the "Bambi" release. This sucker has pictures of the deleted scenes, all of the DVD menus, and some behind-the-scenes info. Seems like my boy Walt Disney was determined to make sure the audience understood that it was the buttwad hunters -- not the animals -- who are responsible for that big fire at the end. Way to go, Walt. Oh, and check out how Goofy influenced Bambi! Crazy stuff.

http://www.ultimatedisney.com/bambi-preview.html
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Feb. 17th, 2005 @ 04:21 pm Readers share their thoughts!

Wow! I asked a few days ago for people to submit their favorite "Bambi" memories to madreindeer@hotmail.com, and the mailbox has been gettin' jiggy ever since. Let's share a few of your thoughts, shall we?

QUINNZILLA writes:

"I have a really traumatizing story about the movie 'Bambi'. When I was quite young, probably only one, I watched the movie for the first time.  I was scared shitless, of course, of the shooting and the running and the yelling, and Bambi being left motherless at a very young age.  When Bambi's mother dies, his father says something along the lines of "Don't worry, Bambi, I'll take care of you now."

My dad worked days, and my mom worked nights teaching aerobics at the Y.  That night, when my mom left for work, my dad said, "Don't worry, Quinn, I'll take care of you now." Assuming hunters had come and shot my mother, I would not be pacified until she returned. Easily the most tramuatizing thing that had happened to me thus far in my life."

Wow. That's messed up. You actually remember something your dad said to you when you were one year old? Must have reaalllly messed with you. I think the only thing Zee remembers about when he was one was me screaming at him to stop peeing on the couch ... Still, this speaks to just how screwed up (and traumatizing) the hunter mentality really is. Hunters talk about how shooting deer is such a "bonding experience" for fathers and sons. Yeah, okay. Quinnzilla is now a serial killer who eats children because of your precious "bonding." Nice family values there, ya fucknuts. Thanks for sharing, Quinnie!

On to the next letter, from PADAWAN_ALEX:

"Bambi is awesome! I remember how, when I was five, I wanted to be just like him and Thumper, so I took my pet bunny out on the lake in the middle of winter. I sat on my butt with my bunny on my lap and I slid across the ice all spread-eagled. That was fun, except for the part where I fell through the ice. That kinda sucked. But I tell you what -- even today, sitting here and remembering my drowned bunny and hypothermia, I still smile whenever I hear that crazy Thumper beating the ice and going "Look! It's solid!" It IS solid, bro."

Heartwarming.

Next up, from HANKREARDON2:

"Dude, I totally know what ya mean on how Bambi's awesome. But did you know there have already been a few sequels? My favorite one is "Bambi Does Brussels." In this one, Bambi's a single mom living in a trailer park and struggling to make ends meet at the local strip club, when along comes an offer to join a high-dollar escort service in Europe. Bambi knows it's good money, but is it right to take a three-year-old into the reddest of the red-light districts? Straddled between money and motherhood, between fortune and family, and between dwarfs and French ticklers, Bambi struggles to maintain her identity, her daughter and her ability to do double-penetration on the beaches of Belgium ..."

Ummm ...

Keep 'em coming, folks! maybe Disney can use some of these in their ad campaign! Anything to support our beloved B.

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Feb. 16th, 2005 @ 09:19 pm A sequel to "Bambi?"
T-minus thirteen days ... and the stories have already started rolling in of how much Bambi is the shit. Keep 'em coming (madreindeer@hotmail.com), and I will start posting some shortly. For today, though, I'd like to address a new rumor going around: Apparently, Disney isn't just releasing "Bambi." They're also putting out a straight-to-video sequel. I believe the title is, umm ... "Bambi II."

Mind you, I still suffer from the sting that was "Aladdin: The Return Of Jafar." Oh, how could they go so wrong ... But that's all in the past. If my homey's gonna get more screen time, then by all means, go to it dude.

Personally, I hope they take my suggestion for the plot line: Bambi, having escaped all the flames at the end of the first movie, decides that he's sick of taking everyone's shit. Using the hunters' own tactics against them, Bambi rubs sticks together to create a NEW fire, and entraps a camp of hunters in its burning wake. Then he slashes and spears each one as they run in terror, and as they drop their weapons and become lifeless bloddy heaps, Bambi figures out how to operate those rifles and lays the smack down on everyone else. With all the hunters dead, he and Thumper crack open the cooler and go to town on all the Budweiser, showering little Flower with it in a drunken kegger of joy. And as the beer goes flying everywhere, along with the blood and screams of dying hunter scum, we hear the birds sing a reprise of "Drip drip drop little April showers ..."

Oh, dude, don't even give me that crap about how it's too violent for Disney. Didn't you see "The Lion King," where Mufasa fell off the cliff and the ensuing stampede wrecked his shit? Not to mention that Disney has ties to Miramax, who produced "Pulp Fiction." Five words: Gettin' medieval on your ass. I rest my case. Although if Disney won't do it, let's take it to Don Bluth. Hey, he had the balls to do "The Secret Of NIMH." Speaking of Don Bluth, I'm going to go play "Dragon's Lair" again. Because I SO kick ass on it. Boo yeah!
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Feb. 15th, 2005 @ 08:27 am Tell me a story ...
T-Minus fourteen days and counting ...

So to kick off our ass-whuppin' "Bambi" countdown, I am encouraging folks to share their tales of seeing "Bambi." Come on, admit it -- there was once a day when y'all cried like little bitches the first time you saw Bambi's mom take a round. Write me at madreindeer@hotmail.com and I'll share your story here. Along with my amazing thoughts, of course.
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