Finding My Way

My arm gurts.
My head hurts.
My eyes hurt and my bruises hurt.
My heart hurts.
I am at one of my lowest times yet.
I wish I knew what happened, and why I went down that hill.
I wish I could work. I wish I could pay my bills with confidence.
I wish the number in my account was higher.
I wish I could drive.
I need to get my permit.
I need to heal and start working again.
I wish loving wasn't  so hard.
My heart hurts so much.
I will do anything for him so he will still love me.
If he wants to go...I guess I will have to.
If that's what makes him happy.
I just can't see myself without him.
He's become a part of me.
I just wish I was better.
I wish I was what he wanted.
I wish I was perfect...why must I be a perfectionist?
Why do I always strive for what I can't ever achieve?
I don't know.
After the accident things were better.
I didn't care that I was hurt.
God answered every one of my prayers.
I am so thankful.
Somehow I am able to eat.
Somehow I am able to pay my bills...even though I am scared.
It just takes faith.
I have faith in us...but I feel like he has none.
I hope he does.
It just feels so right to me.
I hope he can see how good I am doing despite all the wrong in my life.
I just want him to be proud.
I want God to be proud of me too.
I want to be better.
But my heart hurts...I feel no motivation...
I am so so tired.
I just hope time passes quickly.
I just need to heal and work and drive.
Please help me be stronger.

I haven't written for a while because things aren't getting better.
My anxiety seems to be heightened day by day.
Things started shaping up.
I got to see Matthew a couple times with Mishelle since he came home from Iraq.
They are so happy together...it's nice to see happiness.
Alicia and I made arrangements to move in together, we even purchased our couch and a couple lamps together.
It's just a matter of time so that a may save money.
In estimation I'd be able to accumulate enough to make a move in one month if I got the job with her...
No call yet though. No interview or anything. Just Kohl's.
But my hopes were high and I was gonna get everything figured out within a couple months.

Two days ago (Wednesday, June 5th) I was gonna get my new car.
Matthew had a truck he wanted to get rid of and wanted me to have it...and my payments would only be $100/month.
That's a really good deal for a car.
I know I don't have my drivers license yet, or my permit.
I was going to take my permit test Thursday...but things changed.
Anyways, his friend, Jesse wanted the truck and asked if I wanted his car and see if he could do an even flat out swap with Matthew.
Matthew get's the car and Jesse gets the truck.
The cars in better shape and MUCH more attractive.
This is what I get.
A black Pontiac Sunfire. I've always thought they were cute.
Anyways, two of my friends were gonna drive out there and one would drive the car back to my apartment for me.
They didn't have to, but they were willing. And I was excited.

All I had to do was work from 8:00am-2:00pm. They were coming at 6.
I originally though I was getting off at 4. So when I saw it was 2, I was so happy.
I road my bike home like I usually do...but for some reason I took a different route.
And then I was dreaming, of biking, and falling, but no details. Just dreaming.
I woke up behind a business building in front of a hill with a pond in front of me.
There was a sidewalk wrapped around the pond and I was laying on the sidewalk.
I didn't know all of these details yet because I hadn't looked around yet.
I just woke up...on cement...bleeding.
My sweatshirt was on when I was riding my bike and my phone was in my purse on the handle bars of my bike.
I woke up with my sweatshirt off whiping blood off of my face, and somehow my phone was nested in the palm of my other hand.
My left hand...my arm hurt.
My face was bleeding, and so was my arm, but I didn't know where from.
All I knew was...I was bleeding. I finally realized this might not be a dream.
I looked up and I saw the pond, sidewalk, apartments, a business building, and a hill with some trees.
I looked to my right and my bike laid next to me...unbent, unbeat up, just perfectly laying down.
And then there was me.
I had NO idea where I was. I just though I've seen this place before, it was so vague because I had no idea where from.
This got me panicing.
And I started to think...outloud still laying on the ground.
"Where am I?
Why am I bleeding?
Why am I laying on the ground?
Did I fall off my bike?
Yes, I did, I was riding my bike and I fell.
How?????
I don't know...omgomgomg.
If this is real this sucks. This really sucks."
If that's not exactly what I said outloud....but pretty close for sure.
I didn't remember why I was riding my bike, where I was coming from or going to, where I was, I knew nothing.
I have never been so terrified in my life.
This only happens in movies, and you're not supposed to experience these feelings in real life.
You are just supposed to watch movies and sympathize for the character who this happened to.
I was so scared I crawled off the sidewalk onto the grass and put my head on my knees with my arms tightly wrapped around and I cried.
I looked up and two ladies started walking towards me from the business building.
They asked me questions and I barely remember what was discussed.
It was along the lines of them asking the same questions I asked myself and all I could say was I don't know, and no I am not okay.
They told me they called 911 and they were on their way.
I just sat and cried, and they didn't know what to do for me but they were full of concern. I could see it in their faces.
The police came and asked me questions too and they said paramedics were here too.
The people pulled up in an ambulence and came down.
I told them all I knew.
The last thing I remembered was riding my bike down County Rd C. And then I woke up...bleeding.
And I was lost. And then I remembered I was probably riding home from work and probably on my way home.
But how I got here...I didn't know.
They asked me where I hurt.
I told them...my face is bleeding. But mostly my arm hurt. I couldn't move it.
They took me to the ambulence and sat me inside. They cleaned up my face and inspected my arm.
There was a scrape near my elbow and no swelling. They put it in a sling though.
They said my cut was between my eyes and on my nose below my eyebrows.
They said I had a concusion.
They asked me to go to the ER with them.
I refused. That would be 200-300 dollars. I can't affored that.
I have a hard time paying all my bills...why would I go with them for that much money?
I called my mom. She sent dad over while she told work she was taking the day off and my dad picked me. We locked up my bike on some sign and told the police we'd go to the hospital. He took me home to wait for mom.
She was there about 5 min later.
We went to Children's hospital.
They did a CT scan of my head to check for internal bleeding - results were normal..there was none.
It was just the concusion and we will never know what happened.
They did some x-rays of my  arm - results were said to be normal and I must have hit it hard to bruise it.
I could go home.
We went straight to Mall of America for Matthew's goodbye celebration. We also met Mishelle's family.
It was a good atmosphere and everyone was so happy.
But I felt like poo. And my headache worsened minute by minute and my arm was in so much pain. How could this be just a bruise?
Wouldn't it be swolen? It looked fine.
I hadn't eaten since 7:30am before work...and by now it was 11:00pm. I was starving so I ordered a big meal.
Once it came I was nauseous and sick and couldn't eat.
I laid my head on the table and called Nick. I missed him. I wanted his comfort.
I never felt so much pain in my head before. I went to a booth seperate from the families and laid down. My family fininshed eating and came to see me...I got off the phone. Matthew got puke bags for me from the restraunt and gave me a hug and a kiss on my forhead and thanked me for coming even though I felt like crap. I wanted to see him before he left again.
I was helped to the car and went home and fell asleep.
I woke up at 6am to a phone call. Didn't recognize the number so I let it go and then listened to the voicemail. They found my insurance so the $2,000 someodd visit would be mostly covered thank God.
Went back to sleep.
Another unknown caller...let it go and listened to the voicemail.
It was a Dr. Pablo saying I need to come back ASAP for more x-rays.
A radiologist looked at them and saw a potential break in my arm on my humerus by my shoulder.
Called mom and dad.
Mom took off that day for work too and took me and we got there at 11am.
They did the x-rays and I for sure broke my arm and was sent to  Summit Ortheopedics in Maplewood after they cleaned up my wounds again and immobilized my arm with a body wrap with my arm velcroed to it.
Long drive and an hour and a half wait.
I wasn't seen till 2:20pm about?
I was in so much pain!
When the guy saw me he looked at the x-rays and said I can't move my arm for 10 days.
Couldn't even change my shirt for 10 days...couldn't shower for 10 days.
And deffinately NOT WORK.
Everyday I miss work I lose $50 and come closer to being fired. I have 7 days to miss and I am fired.
I was devastated.
I can't pay my bills...I don't know what happens to people who don't pay. But it's not good.
I don't have any source of money. My parents are so broke they can't spare a $20 even.
I can't get my car. I can't work to pay for anything and if anything these visits are costing me.
There's no way I am not going to bathe myself...he said I could sponge bathe. Whatever...it's something.
And I am changing once a day...I don't care. You can't make someone who changes 3 times a day all of a sudden not change for 10 days.
He gave me a Drs note and a vicadin precscription. I now had two, one from each Dr.
I can't take the brace off for a month probably.
We left.
I almost cried...I held back.
My dad took me to get my prescriptions and then to Kohl's to explain.
They won't let me work till I get a note saying I CAN WORK.
The note I have says UNABLE to work.
Great. No money.
They were understanding though, so I hope I won't get fired.
I went home. Alicia came to stay the night and take care of me. It was nice...she arrived with Caribou.
Now I woke up at5:30am.
It's 6:30am.
It took me an hr to write this cuz I only have one hand to use.
I am going at 10 to get another CT scan of my arm. We'll see what happens...

I...don't understand why you can't understand.
My heart feels choked in my throat and any minute I could spit it out along with all these tears.
And it hurts.
So...so much. I can't breathe.
All I want is to have family.
I am sick of what I was given. Because I wasn't given any.
I am sick of not knowing. I am sick of seeing and being teased by what I could have or would have.
What I don't have.
I just want my family, and they are so far.
Foster homes weren't real.
It was just a temporary compassion. Not love.
Family assigned by papers isn't real.
There is no love.
I want to feel what a family feels, I miss it.
I don't want to visit it.
I just want what I've been aching for throughout all these years.
It isn't fair.
Why does it feel like I have to choose?
My choked heart feels as if it is tearing into two different ways...
And the strange thing is..is that it thinks it is possible for it to live under such torn conditions.
I'm not sure.
I am sick of these tears.
I will stop.
All of it.
These thoughts...
If you don't want me to want it..I won't want it.
I won't be the selfish one.
It sucks that I love you too much to let go for my own sake.
I couldn't do it.
Either way...I'd be missing a half of me.
I just have to choose which half I want...
Keep your family.
I'll give up mine.

I'm sick.
I think I am causing this myself.
I think emotional anxiety can reflect on someones physical health.
I hope I'm not inflicting this on myself, I've gone through this already and I don't need this right now. More than ever.
So tired....
I am so glad for Nick though. To keep me at my best at least during sometime through my crazy weeks.
I wish the feelings I have when I'm with him would last when without.
I don't feel like writing tonight.
I need to sleep.
I will write tomorrow.
I have tomorrow off too.

I hate crying.
Once I start I keep going.
And cry for more reasons then when I started.
I cry for everything.
I cry for what I want and don't have.
I cry for what I do have.
It makes me so sick.
I go for hours.
And I can't stop.
I run to the bathroom and cry on the floor.
And after I can't stop crying...
I can't stop puking.
And I can't breathe in deep.
My breaths are short and my eyes get dry,
but my throat still aches along with my heart
And my stomach turns and twists from all of my emotional pains
And all this ache in my stomach makes me sick
And I puke.
I hate this.
My tears are gone.
But I am still crying.

Four hours of sleep a night is really getting to me. My eyes are sore all the time, my head now aches, and my energy is so low.
Working so hard really is getting difficult, especially for such a stretch of time.
Money dissappears so quickly when it is needed the most, and deadlines terrify me.
I am extremely self concious. I hate my stomach, I hate my legs, I hate my face, I hate my hands, I hate my boobs, I hate my butt, I hate my hair, I hate my eyes, I hate my feet. I worry about my acheivement and approach to doing things. I worry so much that everything is added onto my list of perfection at attempt. If I wasn't such a perfectionist...
I don't hate everything though...
I love him. It's been well over a year now and many ups and downs like most lasting relationships, and every moment is worth it.
I love him more and more the more I am with him. I love the happiness and freedom I feel.
And the butterflies, like in the beginning of a relationship, I feel them again.
I am so happy. I hope this will help me cope with every other aspect in my life, a reason to keep pushing forward.
 

 I'm having a bad day.
And I saw this question...how perfectly fitting.
I go online and google random stuff.
I used to try to play piano to relieve stress and anger through the serenity of music, but my interest is slowly fading along with my patience.
I used to draw or paint to calm myself down and zone out, forgetting everything, but again, my patience is wearing away so thin.
I started playing guitar hero on bad days. But that just seems to add on to my list of imperfections.
I can't reach my goals.
Lately, I've been sleeping or excersizing.
The one thing that doesn't change is music. If I am too lazy to create it on the piano, I just turn up the speakers and listen to my angry music.
It's usually rather motivating, it get's me to clean.
Otherwise that...
I don't know what else to do.
Seems as if I'm letting my life and interests fade away into times past.
Hopefully soon I will be able to pick myself back up again.

Today has been insane.
It has been crazy and chaotic. And I keep hitting days like this...marks in my life where I run full speed straight into a wall.
Not sure what to do or where I'm headed in life.
Bills are piling up and things are becoming financially difficult, causing me to lose motivation.
Family is difficult and I'm just trying to let go so I no longer worry.
But keeping close to my brother and guiding him best I can so his life is more planned out than mine.
Less impulsive.
I hope I can help him fight his battles, I'll always be there for him just like he has been there for me.
He's my other half, my closest person to me.
Lived mostly my whole life with him, and can't imagine any part of my life without him.
I know what I want.
I don't know how to get there.
I want my brother to be safe, healthy, happy. I want the best for him. I'll do the best I can to help.
I want financial stability, to continue living independently.
I want to get somewhere with my life, rahter than just affording to live, but also to save money for better things in life.
I want a future consisting of content and happiness and no worry for tomorrow.
I want to be happy with myself, my behavior, my imperfections, my body, and everything else that makes up me.
I want to stay happy in the relationship I am in. I want to live what I am imaging down the line with him, a family and continuous love.
I want to be close to God again, like I used to be, like when I called him daddy.
I want to be with my grandma and grandpa and cousins, I miss them. I want them to know I am doing okay, and not hurting like I really am.
I'm doing my best...
But I can't figure out how to achieve these things properly and effectively. I'm sick of my futile attempts.