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I hate you, Access Group!
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Oct. 2nd, 2008 @ 03:42 pm
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So everybody was doing it, back in 2003... borrowing $$$ through Access Group. I don't know why I picked them, but they seem to suck more than traditional lenders. So I owe probably half my loan debt to them. They won't give me a loan repayment plan any longer than 25 years - WTF! I am in my 20s! I am not going to die off after 25 years! Why can't I have more time, and thus lower monthly payments!?! So it looks like $500+ of my monthly income goes to loan repayments - mostly to Access Group - and then to Direct Loan (consolidation people - a trend everyone was following circa 2003, if memory serves) and then to old Perkins loans, which as far as I can tell has become fictional since Bush.
I just hope I can make it all work within a budget of my car, my rent, and eating occasionally... I should start feeding Matt gruel to cut down on expenses. Or perhaps buy my cat food generic and bulk. ;D
I have got to pay off my credit card soon with larger chunks before I end up being too broke to afford finances charges. Good times....
I am being dramatic. It's just scary to be this close to budget.
I love Matt, my cats, and everything I am trying to do this year. I wish I felt more settled, but when is that actually the case? I keep chasing a fiction... |
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I worry this might just describe me....
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Sep. 21st, 2008 @ 09:44 pm
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"Higher education forces young 27-year-olds, who really don't know much yet, to generate publications they'll be ashamed of later." |
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if I could bottle this feeling i would:
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Sep. 15th, 2008 @ 08:55 pm
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it's "interest of students and passion for ideas" - it would be in a sparkly purple bottle with green undertones. It would taste like sweet wine and smell like fruit, like mint. It would make everyday worth living. I love teaching so much - all the politics, missing furniture, undelivered computers, and paperwork in the world can't really detract from how cool it is to have access to so many people's ideas and questions. |
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What I kinda suspected about a lot of Obama supporters....
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Sep. 14th, 2008 @ 08:12 pm
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As if it wasn't enough to hear CNN articles repeated verbatim in a conversation that was tape recorders on play, I overheard this at a party of teachers and artists (which I left shortly afterwards):
"What Obama has... is really the audacity of BALLS."
Ummmm........ yeah.
I am going to go vote for Cynthia McKinney now. |
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ramblings and rumblings...
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Aug. 8th, 2008 @ 12:22 pm
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feeling odd lately. i know ibs and hot weather are not a good mix. i feel stir crazy inside but sick outside. haven't really left the apt much lately. horrible, horrible tummy aches.
I think a lot of it is stress about the new job. I am excited about it and working on my art work, my syllabi, a paper I hope to publish, and stuff like that. I worry that people won't like me, that I won't be able to keep the job, that I'm really a fraud and all that. But I know that the worry about driving and teaching and just my OCD tendencies are not good for tummies. I think I also eat way too fast. Which is messed up. Somehow, if I eat something quicker, I didn't really eat it or something...
I think Jaime wants to go to Boston this weekend, but the thought of the bus for hours makes me feel crazy. Alas, I will be strong. I feel like everything I eat is wrong. I keep thinking I should keep a food diary and perhaps I should.
So for yesterday:
*2 English muffins with margarine
*10 cookies - yes, this was too many cookies
*peanut butter and jelly sandwich
*left over fried chicken wing with 4 slices of cheese
*half of an ice cream cone (tasted weird to me)
*water, lemonade, ice tea, and coke to drink
Wildly sick in the evening. Could have been the bad ice cream, I dunno.
Today's plan:
*1 slice of toast with butter
*A handful of strawberries
*I'm going to get myself some licorice, fruit, and crackers to snack on without tummy troubles downtown. Then I will pick up my Rx - edit: couldn't get a refill this early and won't have insurance this time next week... Then I will get a cool gel pen. Then I will have a delicious mint tea from St. Alps - edit: tasty but tummy still hurted with only toast and strawberries previous.
*I am going to stop eating much out of the apt. It just doesn't seem to work. I am going to consume more beverages because it fills me up and doesn't (usually) necessitate a mad dash to the lavatory.
*I will have water, coke, and lemonade to drink (I know coke's bad, but it really settles my stomach)
EDIT: am eating a few handfuls of popcorn, a chocolate cracker thing, and some licorice.
not feeling so good, but too hungry not to eat now... |
| » for my new job |
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yanked from rateyourstudents on blogspot:
The Resolutions Continue: Half-Baked and Vain Hopes Soon To Be Dashed on the Rocks of Rugged Reality.
"* I resolve to pay more attention to my physical and spiritual health.
* I resolve to put my family first this year.
* I resolve to put my career first this year. (A tie, ok?)
* I resolve to read more than a week ahead of my students.
* I resolve to make my students lead more classes from now on.
* I resolve to let my hair down and be more myself.
* I resolve to not take out my frustrations on my students.
* I resolve to be OK with not being liked.
* I resolve to strike a better balance between teaching and writing.
* I resolve to spend much more time on my research this year, since it's the thing that will help me progress in my career.
* I resolve to quit worrying about my "career," and just focus on doing a good job.
* I resolve to put teaching first, since it's the thing I love the most."
Aug. 7th, 2008 @ 10:28 pm
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| » I feel.... |
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horribly hormonal today. I'm not really upset about anything I can pinpoint, but I feel exhausted, embarrassingly close to tears all day, and I can't help but make the connection to the time of the month. That's not to say Matt and Brannon and other guys I know aren't more mood swingy than I am - just that the unbearable stomach cramps seem to be the mood de-stabilizer for me at the moment. Argh!
On a stupidly mundane note, I am increasingly frustrated with the variable cost of things. Like my groceries. I can spend between 5 and 7 dollars for the same bottle of juice in various spots in the same neighborhood. I can spend between 2 and 7 dollars for milk. My chosen margarine?: 2, 3, or 4 dollars depending where you go. And then ice cream is anywhere from 3-5 dollars again. And the irritating thing is that it's not cheap stores and expensive stores, but completely variable by product - eg. the expensive ice cream is with the cheapest margarine. Go figure!
I also don't like being sold expired things. I just made my delicious cold pasta salad with baby corn, sliced olives, and tri colored rotini AND expired salad dressing I just bought. I don't really think salad dressing can go bad, but it doesn't taste as zesty as usual. And the price? Almost $4. Yup, I ended up spending more for what I didn't realize was expired product because I didn't want to go to the 4th grocery store.
Feeling efficient overall, but I need to do more work on my art. I have one piece almost done, but the other needs work. I am calling my basket sculpture "Longings and Baskets" and it is 6 feet long. I also got some nice reading/note taking done for my fall courses. I think I have some good notes and questions to refer to when teaching.
And I have HR paperwork to do next week, which means solo driving. I am trying to stay positive. I've done the drive at least 4 times. I know how to drive. I have a license. I can go as slow as I need. My GPS will help me. I also have a car friendly water bottle. I will be fine. I will be fine. I will be fine.
Jul. 29th, 2008 @ 11:34 pm
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| » How i wish, how i wish you were here.. |
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Every now and then my mom talks about how she wants to move to New York to be out here with me, Jaime, Brannon, and Matt. It's funny because as much as I love New York, I sometimes wish I were back in Boston. I miss my mom, I miss the Pagan scene there, I miss the Faery store and Harvard Square, and the original Pizzaria Regina, and Revere Beach. Moreover, I miss the leaves and the Pheasant Lane mall. I sometimes want all of that back - not just in a visit. And in visiting, my mom's stepkids make me feel old instead of young. Not that I don't care for them - I do, but I feel so in-between in my generation. Seriously, my parents had all three of me and my sisters by the age I am now - and yet I have friends who still live at home, who are still in school with parental support, who are still living like they did at the age of 18. Seeing those little kids that sleep in my old room and re-populate it with today's toys, makes me feel so cold and old - adds a layer of glass between myself and my childhood, if that makes any sense.
And my first boyfriend (married, has a house, has a child, is a teacher) - his parents just apparently moved out of my hometown. And my best friend in high school is like some sort of troll. Won't call, won't email - lives in the glittering darkness of his basement. As odd as it seems, I hear him calling out to me to come back. But really come back - no cup of tea visit there. And losing him is the worst part - love isn't portable sometimes.
So that's when I want to be back in Boston. I want to be the person I was when I lived there. Some of it's shallow, I know. Back then, I occasionally got myself down to a weight I liked. And while I know this doesn't matter - that apparently what my crazily low metabolism does can only be canceled out by daily swims.... well, I look at pictures sometime and want that. And I look at my magenta and mahogany hair and I want that too. I want the jewelry and wildness I had there. I know I am much happier here, but I forgot that it's always a trade. You can't keep bright things flying through the air in some kind of cosmic juggling act. In some ways, I think I'd have it if my mom were here - not that it makes a lot of sense.
Jul. 24th, 2008 @ 01:37 pm
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| » thoughts on feminism from me... |
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Feminism is a superhero
because it is responsible for eradicating all the 'isms there are.
If you call your work "feminist," you are a superhero too because
people will tolerate no prejudice of any kind within your work.
Feminism is insanely strong
because its strongest critics are usually its proponents.
Feminism is everywhere and nowhere:
It can be considered outdated, and yet feminist issues always include those of the present moment.
Feminism is everywhere:
If you ask a feminist what issues are feminist issues, practically nothing is left out.
Feminism is a major, a minor, a program, and also a way of life.
Feminism is its own field and it is a part of every field.
Feminism has no culture or has every culture, because women are half the world (or more) and yet they are unified in no particular way (depending on who you ask).
Feminism is multiple.
Feminism isn't just for women.
Feminism disagrees with and is already reconceptualizing the format, content, and constructs of everything I am saying.
Feminism is.
Jul. 17th, 2008 @ 08:37 pm
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| » today.... |
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I got a $35 store credit from Game Stop for old PS2 games Matt got me - loved them, but now that we have duplicates on XBox, it seems a waste of space and potential money back. I also bought some sugar, so I can make use of tea I bought as well as salad dressing for well, salad. I got another cool stack of books and DVDs from the library, which is fun and free. I want to make more of what I have and spend more intelligently in the future. I am trying to think of what I actually need to supplement things I have.
*I really want some kinds of sports bra that allows me to modestly wear low-cut tops and dresses without the hassle of a full shirt.
*I want more stuff from www.holyclothing.com because it's cheap and goes with stuff I already have. I am debating if I should get 2 sundresses from there because a few of my summer dresses are pilled up and full of holes sadly. I should wait until I buy the shelves....
*I want to get Buffy season 2 because I have every other season now and I frequently feel like I want to have all.
*I also want to get this cute swim cap for my hair so I cannot have any excuses not to stay fit and swim: http://www.headcovers.com/400/petal-swim-caps/
*I want to buy more cheap bulk snacks so I don't nickel and dime myself while out of the house. I have been doing pretty well with refilling water bottles and Nalgenes, so I think I should start tackling out food.
*I really want some cute food and water dishes for my cat. I have had the same ugly ones for a long time now and I look at it everyday. I should make some once I get back into the studio.
*BUT I really don't need much in the way of jewelry or food, despite how much I love these items. I don't really need much in the way of underwear. I don't need more crap for my shelves. Seeing the crap I have all over the floor and in boxes
*And while the occasional amazon splurge is fun, I have plenty of access to books so I shouldn't be doing this but for books I love and need around.
I also purged my community list today - why am I a member of things for students/things from Virginia?
I feel weird and tired and restless all at once. I cleaned my apartment
I am feeling bad for a friend whose summer students are kind of lousy and stressful. On top of it taking her own classes, on top of that dissertation-ing. I feel that pain in a seriously 1 month ago sort of way.
Jul. 8th, 2008 @ 10:15 pm
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| » they say... |
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that the secret of a happy life is a series of small treats. (not sure who said it...)
BUT I think it is very true.
I spent $13 today ($10 in darned fares to get to Long Island, which is annoying) but I realized how nice it was to have just a good drink and good company. And my drive felt completely comfortable. I think that Zen Driving http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Zen-Driving helped. And for dinner tonight, for the whole day really, I finally didn't want something more extravagant. It's been oddly difficult for me the past few months. My mom used to tell me there would be a depression after the dissertation - a sort of postpartum desperation that there are "no parades to celebrate really." I didn't understand it then, but I do now. I want a constant party, presents, good food. I'm a doctor! Why isn't there more to this? And the weird part is that I am not ungrateful and it was a cool process to actually defend and graduate. But somehow, I also feel like this summer should be gilded, it should be lined with silver, it should be a constant feast. And yet, this was never promised and I feel guilty and spoiled to ask the universe for more. It's quite confusing and I don't fully understand myself at the moment. I think part of it is that New York weekends became my extravagant vacation for my cheap Virginia life. Now I am here full time and I cannot afford even a sliver of the lifestyle I'd had. Not that I should be able to.
I saw Persepolis http://www.sonypictures.com/classics/persepolis/ Not quite a stand alone film without the graphic novel, I think, but still very lovely and funny.
I am getting fairly hooked on Supernatural http://www.cwtv.com/shows/supernatural via Netflix. They've poached ideas from King, X-Files, Bradbury, and lots of ators from Buffy which is very cool in my book - kind of a horror of folktales kind of show with a Boondock Saints sort of brother duo.
And I fairly loved Woman: An Intimate Geography. Overtly 1990sish yes, but I don't know of a subsequently written novel that calls what we do and don't know about biology and gender into question in quite this way.
And thank goodness, I've found cheaper shelves at Staples for Matt and I that will save over stupid Ikea. I can't wait to finish unpacking and not be broke from buying furniture (or old ones broke Matt's books then pretty much committed suicide).
I was thinking I might take stock of my life, take inventory, of all I have to do, all I own, all I want. I want to have a sense of what is going on here.
Jul. 8th, 2008 @ 01:08 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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i want to make more and be more and buy less
i want to wake up in the morning and remember all i have
and not want the next purse
the next book
the next coat
or dress
or sandwich
i want to love the things i can see and remember
and craft from my own hands
i want to do that.
Jul. 6th, 2008 @ 01:12 pm
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| » And I would drive 500 miles and I would drive 500 more... narrowly escaping Virginia! |
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It's been a crazy 72 hours. Matt and I dented the bottom of our bumper on a crummy low set of bricks in a parking lot on the way to move out of VA. We eat road food that causes me to take a grand tour of all the rest stops in Virginia which have automatic flushing toilets that simulate using a grenade as a toilet.... nevermind the tmi there. Then we arrive at 3am to find a 3rd notice bill from our crummy realtor for trash removal in October 07. Third notice? Trash removal? 9 months ago? WTF?
Then we are woken up by a scary looking military kid that serves Matt jury duty in VA - that's right. Matt got jury duty on his last day as a resident. Took about an hour to get out of that one.
So then I call the VA dmv to see what I will need to do to change addresses. This mean lady who talks like an automated message tells me that I must surrender my plates BEFORE leaving and BEFORE my VA insurance is up. What? How is possible to move then? Should I drive an illegal car 500 miles then? That doesn't make sense! So I see if I can extend my current policy by 1 month and find that I would have to pay a full year and hope for refunds - no thanks!
Then the movers come after dark so we pack all night - midnight moving madness! The darn storage unit won't shut, so we have to unpack our work halfway and close each other in the things to balance the unequal weight and shut the latch. (Fear = being locked in a dark storage unit) Meanwhile, the main mover's office tells us we could have had our stuff on the 13th or the 16th - instead of the 17th. That would have been awesome! Why didn't you tell us earlier? We would have taken THAT DAY off instead of THE 17th.... Argh. But they are the least mean and stupid of all the movers I have suffered through.
So we get yelled at for having a moving truck outside the apt complex (how else should we leave the wretched place and who really cares in middle of nowhere VA?) AND this stupid pipsqueak pimply kid recoups our entire security deposit. He claims that VA state law stipulates carpets must be cleaned between each renter. That's right, but does VA state law say I should suffer with a dirty carpet and then pay a fee the owner likely pockets?
And that brings us up to today with no sleep since sunday really...
But everything got better on the blessed New York end - where we are insured, parked, and residing legally. We got our new york plates today and they look WONDERFUL! We only paid around 100 for all of it and we even squeezed in the inspection for our insurance. Now we just need licenses and a state inspection. Our boxes and furniture stuff should come tuesday.
Jun. 12th, 2008 @ 04:16 pm
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| » MY NEW APARTMENT!!!! |
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The lease is being FedExed tonight! I am so excited and pleased. It's been really weird to have this much time in limbo. I can't wait to get the other details straightened out too.
( Read more... )
May. 15th, 2008 @ 03:48 pm
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| » whining, whining, whining... |
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I feel sick and I am not in my apartment - so I cannot roll around on my own futon adequately while whining. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
May. 11th, 2008 @ 01:57 pm
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| » jack and jill |
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i read you kerouac
and i know that you are jack
jack of all trades,
the familiar and yet
the lump of clay.
you are the boy
the man
the son
the father
you are every man i will ever love and
on some level want to be;
for you are formless
and yet perfectly formed
and i know i will
always
be galatea:
nothing until branded,
formed,
definitive
and then waiting to be defined poorly, sketchily, shabbily -
re-defined never.
i cannot be the goddess
and also the worshipper
i simply cannot be the entire pantheon
if the mother
i cannot then be the whore.
and you,
anyman
everyman
man:
you will not really abide me
as the other half of your candy soul
but rather see me trapped in the panel of glass
the block of ice
the stone
and hear yourself
see yourself
feel yourself
walking away
walking forward
observing
writing
being.
i wonder if you suffer from the belief that there is no one goddess for the one god.
May. 10th, 2008 @ 02:48 am
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| » I just wanted to say |
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that I like my new icon. :D
Also that I am in New York now and utterly exhausted from packing everything and transporting the cat from VA to MA.
Apr. 28th, 2008 @ 02:17 am
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| » something I wanted to share today.... |
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"They pit woman against feminist"
- Tori Amos
Apr. 25th, 2008 @ 05:45 pm
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| » tax deductions i missed.... |
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*Avian flu
*Disallowing timber buyout
*disposing of solar panels
Apr. 7th, 2008 @ 08:18 pm
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| » My offer letter is in the mail... |
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and I cannot wait to sign the contract and move Matt and I back to the city!
"Keep your splendid, silent sun;
Keep your woods, O Nature, and the quiet places by the woods;
Keep your fields of clover and timothy, and your corn-fields and orchards;
Keep the blossoming buckwheat fields, where the Ninth-month bees hum;
Give me faces and streets! give me these phantoms incessant and endless along the trottoirs!
. . . give me the streets of Manhattan!
. . .
People, endless, streaming, with strong voices, passions, pageants;
Manhattan streets, with their powerful throbs, with the beating drums, as now;
The endless and noisy chorus, the rustle and clank of muskets, (even the sight of the wounded;)
Manhattan crowds, with their turbulent musical chorus—with varied chorus, and light of the sparkling eyes;
Manhattan faces and eyes forever for me."
-- Walt Whitman
Mar. 21st, 2008 @ 02:16 pm
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