Baking Sweetness...one muffin at a time

7:01pm: New Place
Moved into the new apartment. It's now official. I come over and eat my mom's food, but I don't sleep here anymore. I'm sure my brothers are just loving their new X-Box room!

11:11pm: Baby food
I wonder why she kicks in my tummy when she's hungry... It's so funny, cuz she'll kick and then all of a sudden I am ravenous. But I can't just grab whatever happens to be available. I'll run to the fridge (as I am about to do) and look inside and see....nothing. Then I feel not hungry again, so I'll wander back to bed and lay down and then BAM. Kick, and I'm chewing on my pillow in my sleep. What does she want?!!! I run to the fridge...BAM! Okay Okay OKAY!!! WHAT???!!! Milk? No. Leftover mac-n-cheese? Awww, cmon, we LOVE mac-n-cheese! BAM! All right, uhhhhmmmmm..... (Jay yells from the livingroom to close the fridge) AH HA!!!! Jaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!!! (Jay is silent from the livingroom) I WANT CHICKEN NUGGETS FROM MCDONALDS!!!! LET'S GO, OKAY?! (the silence from the livingroom is defening) ... (BAM!!) OH OH OH! AAAANND, I WANT CRAB RAGOONS, but we can get those for breakfast, kay? (I am still standing in front of the open refrigerator with my hand on the milk carton and has since snuck up behind me) "Okay" he says, and he's already got his shoes on and he's putting my shoes on me cuz I can't bend over real good anymore. And the little girl inside of me giggles and wriggles around cuz she knows her daddy loves spending his paychecks on chicken nuggets and chinese food. And I giggle too, cuz my cravings are almost as ridiculous as I am. And Jay takes everything in stride, as long as he's allowed to eat green olives and pickles and put them on the grocery list every week. BLECCH!!!

10:32pm: My hero: Arthur Roney
Not bad for a Monday. For anyone who cares to read, here is the story of an amazing person...

I spoke with an older gentleman today. He was looking for some money that our government had promised to pay him, and he in turn was going to pay off some medical bills. (Part of my job is to help people look for their money.) I took the time to listen to this man and I found his story to be really amazing so I just wanted to document it here and maybe get some more good thoughts out for him.
His name is Arthur Roney. Mr. Roney is a retired war veteran from WWII, and I'm pretty sure he told me he was a colonel in the Air Force. Unbeknownst to him, he contracted some "strange radiation disease" during the war and when he came home--he passed it on to his wife and 3 children. He has since lost his wife; all three of his grown-up children have died, and he has had to watch them all die, knowing now that it was his service in the war that ended up killing them.
This man was not broken down as he told me his story, he said that he knows he'll get to be with them again very soon (he's terminally ill as well, you see). And I couldn't help but wonder at the courage of this man. How much more courage does it take to tell your horror stories with all the rights in the world to fall into despair, and say with confidence that you know things will be better soon? I am so inspired! Faith in knowing that there is a better life beyond the loss and pain of this one can make even MY weak spirt stronger than those that persecute me or forget about me or ignore me or are offended by me. Thank God for that spirit of courage to be who I am no matter what's going on around me.
There really is no point to the story, other than the fact that I want this man to be remembered by someone. He really spoke to me and to my heart. I told him he was my hero, and he said that he had never been called that before--then he told me I was his hero (for finding his money) and so we were even. But it doesn't feel even. I hope that Mr. Roney has a very peaceful end to his life here. And even though he will probably never read this, I want him to know that he is remembered.
God bless you, Arthur Roney. I'm sure we'll meet again.

6:44pm: i just had a thought. it wasn't about anything or anyone in particular. but now that thought is gone. sorry if i offended you. if i did, it probably wasn't about you.

i do my best not to offend or hurt anyone by what i write--however, i do have a hard time with writing exactly what's on my mind and NOT offending anyone. how the heck am i supposed to write anything that means anything without breaking some poor bastards' heart? (Even that last phrase was probably offensive to SOMEONE out there). I guess my point is this: I had to hide my last entry because evidently what I had said hurt some of you out there. For that I am sorry. For those of you who approached me about it--you know who you are--it wasn't even about you, but thanks for noticing.

Now I'm kinda bored with this blog. I can't friggin say anything on it because now I have to worry about who is reading it, and not necessarily who, but because the whole world can read it. I have many aesthetic things to say that are going to offend. And the next time i actually share my thoughts, i will actually have to NOT care about offending or hurting anyone. And really, the only thing that really fking hurts is that the people that WERE mentioned in the now hidden entry, have not even noticed that I have a blog. Not that it matters.

Seriously people. Pregnant people are just that--people...and hopefully of the female variety. Sorry i hurt your feelings, but please understand, I have WAY more on my mind that I wish I could vent somewhere. Evidently this is not the place.

5:18pm: i found a new sport. bowling. anyone like to go bowling on a sunday afternoon? even us larger people can apply ourselves to a 6 to 16 pound ball smashing maliciously into 10 pins with red stripes around the top. it's SO wonderful to see the elusive X pop up on the screen when u take all of those mthrfkrs out. this is my new favorite activity, if anyone would like to join us...lemme know. even if all you find at the bowling alley is the gutter. . .there's a free beer in it for ya--on me (hell make it a pitcher). it would be a fun outing.

9:06pm: i have news
not that anyone reading this blog really cares...i have not heard from ne of u, but the street moves both ways, i suppose. hope everything is going well for everyone.

i bought a house with someone special. moving in...May? dunno yet.

i've got a bun in the oven and i am due to have a little muffin of my own on July 4. (hehehe, very exciting)

i'm getting married Memorial Day weekend in Manistee, MI. If any of you are interested in coming, let me know.

my church is ignoring my family. i'm not allowed to play my horn there, so we stopped going. and now they don't call. but i'm getting used to people stopping calling me. i understand i am probably the most annoyingly horrible person in the world. but i need some help with all this. so really, if any of you feel the slightest pang in your heart, God may be talking to you. Please let me know you don't all hate me--or if you do, then say so.

i am really feeling "alone" with my family in all this. thank God the man i'm marrying is the one that God set aside for me. but i'm really wondering where the rest of my friends are. (shrug)

jeez, do i miss alcohol sometimes.


------baking sweetness, one muffin at a time

9:45pm: Woody's looking for a new home
By the way, does anyone wanna "pimp my ride"? I have a new car...w/o a title, hmmmm....And anyways, Woody will be looking for a couple of turbos, a really bad paint job, and a demolition derby. THAT BI*CH HAS GOT TO GO!!!!

9:23pm: A month since my last visit
Geez. Has it really been a month since I've visited this thinger?! Guess I've been a bit quiet. Well, to all of you who check in when I write--HI!!! I miss u guys. Hope everyone's got some sweet Haloween parties planned. I'll probably hear a couple of "holla backs" in my comments. I wanna hear what everyone dressed as for Haloween. I will try to post a picture of me in my elfwhore costume lol. I went to work today as Jessica Simpson. That was a trip.

All right then. That's all for now. Hope to hear from u all later.

10:12pm: Good times
What an UNBELIEVABLE weekend! So many amazing things happened. I had soooo much fun. Q's band rocks my face off!!! And the after-party I went to was just as good. Some old faces and some new ones. I couldn't ask for more situations to enjoy all in one night. I saw some people from high school that I have not seen in a while--funny how some people don't change, they just get to be more fun to be around.

Man, I gotta start getting more sleep so I can stay up like that more often. It's kinda tough when you are running on 4 hours of sleep a night. (shrug) Oh well, I had a fantastic time anyways...

9:57pm: Rant and Rave
all right all right. where the hell do i get off this freight train of crappy situations? i'm a good person. and people don't generally tell me i'm not. ever. thanks for the fking vote of confidence. (sarcasm) boy am i ever glad i have had such wonderful people who care so much about me. i'm sorry. i'm upset. i'm hurt. and i'm on the super-defensive right now. so i'm sure that my ravings will heal what needs to be healed--at least for my part. because i must be the most selfish and horrible human being for what i've done in the past to keep getting crapped on like this.

i kinda like to live by the whole thing of--if i don't have anything good or nice to say to someone, i don't say it. (i'm sure that line will stir up some drama). i give up. i suck. i shouldn't even be ranting right now, but i have to scream at the world when no one wants to listen.

maybe this isn't the best way to keep my dignity. but this is my space to write. and so i write. that's it for that. i'm gonna take about ten minutes and then write another entry about the awesome weekend i had.

12:57pm: SOV
shit out of vacation.

Man am I ever going to miss staying out all night every night and sitting on my butt all day or playing golf. Vacations don't last nearly long enough. And I don't feel like I've perfected the art of driving a golf cart demolition yet. I mean, seriously, WHEN am I ever going to find time to do THAT when I have to work and go to bed on time and all that jazz. (SOB!)

1:56pm: ignored
there have been some to think that i have fallen off the face of the planet and don't have any feelings after being ignored for a few days/weeks/months. sillies. i am still here. i am still me. and i am still on vacation. thank you for your NON-sensitive NON-concern. it just makes me build better walls. and since i know that those this is directed to will never acually read this, i wouldn't really expect any good to come of this post. and i guess it is a bit hypocritical of me to post this when i myself have told myself "if u don't have anything good to say don't say anything at all." but i guess i just want to scream at the world when no one wants to listen. it's kinda like my way of being the self centered person (that i evidently am).

i feel like i forgot my own birthday. oh wait. no, i'm pretty sure they all knew. (sigh) i guess i just ignored it like i've been ignoring so many other things that i think are kinda important but nobody else can help me come to a full frontal battle with them. it's a bit disconcerting when we ignore things that are kinda important, isn't it? just let it fester. maybe it will explode or implode when we least expect it. been there, done that. eventually i forget what was bothering me and start ignoring responsibility completely.

i quit.

11:32pm: uninvited
u know, i feel like i help people around here as much as i can every day for 8 hours sitting in that damned chair at a computer answering everyone's very important banking questions. i don't want to help here. i want to be a part of it, not just donate a bit of money or some food service volunteer work. but hey, it probably won't happen. my dad thinks i'm crazy for even thinking it and evidently what i wrote didn't really excite anyone else. so whatever. nevermind. i'm just hormonal imbalance incarnate with pms. don't mind me. i just talk about things i don't even understand sometimes. and i'm also a bit miffed because once again, it's friday night and no one has called that said they would call. no one has invited me to the "spectacular" party that is supposedly going on. and i'm starting to wonder if anyone really thinks of me unless i call them first. (shrug) oh well. i guess i don't really care. i seem to put myself in these positions anyways. thank God i have something to look forward to on Sunday.

11:55pm: Wanna get lost?
Hurricane Katrina, that's some messed up stuff. A natural disaster that did more damage than any terrorist ever has--in America. That's not India where the big wave killed hundreds of thousands. That was in America, people. America. This is where we live. Do we just shrug because we're in Michigan? No. Totally not. I've heard of some pretty amazing things people are doing around here to support relief efforts. Amazing things that Americans are doing to help Americans.

Hey. I wanna go. I'm crazy wanting to go help down South. My uncle (of all people) went down there and drove a motorhome down and flew back. And he just got done telling my mom that he feels like he has to go again--he has the time and it isn't going to kill him to take a week off....I want to help too. I've been reading over my entries and I'm kinda realizing that my life revolves around just that--my life. And it makes me silly to say that it makes me a good Christian girl to worry and only want to worry about my stupid screwed up attempt at having a life. God forgive me. I confess that I am very self-centered in my day to day activities. And yet I have all these people--shrinks, doctors, friends--telling me that I really have to start looking out for myself more. I can agree with that, sure. Sure I have to start looking after myself more if I ever want to think about having my own house and a nice car and lots of fun parties on the weekend or an awesome computer to play games and write music on.....And all those things are ALL I "really want" for my birthday. It's okay. You can laugh. I am being a little ridiculous, however...ahem.

Well, I guess I just really want to help people. I wish I could really want that anyways. Maybe if I post this one, I'll get someone who might support my effort to wanna care. And maybe a little spark can ignite a little flame of people who would like to join my effort. I don't know what all that means, but maybe someone out there will.

4:08pm: Tubing
OH MY GOODNESS! What an awesome awesome Saturday on the river. Went tubing with some folks this past Saturday. It's just like livin the American dream. Good friends, good beer, and a lazy Muskegon river to float on. I can't really think of anything else I would rather have done. I hope everyone had lots of fun and merriment and that we will seriously try to do it one more time this summer. This next time we'll have to do it more cheaply. I think the best part was a certain individual's shorts falling down while trying to recover a beach ball for a family reunion ROFLMAO!!!! You are so funny, dude.

Love you guys. Thanks for an awesome day.

10:08am: ding
Ding fries are done ding fries are done ding fries are done

5:18pm: Running with questions.
Running and running from a past I can't hide from. I keep losing my way while finding new things to fill my heart and my mind. I feel like I'm losing my mind. There's a new fear of confrontation with things that I thought I had already confronted. And now, an unopened wound bleeds incessantly. A horror story unfolds within my memories. I don't want to remember. I don't want to know. I want to forget. Why does it take so long to get past a few moments of a life that is so full? Why do I think so much about such unthinkable wrongs?

To forget means to forgive. But how can you forgive someone who won't ask for forgiveness? How can I forget someone when they torment my thoughts at all hours of the night?

I must be fooling myself if I thought I was strong enough to face this on my own. I am so glad that there is one holding my hand right now. And I am happy to cry on your shoulder. You may think that you have disappointed me or have not impressed me enough for me to stay. But you are all that I need. Right here. Right now. You are every protection from misery and lonliness. Just love me and treat me tenderly, and I will be yours in return.

9:03pm: Deep Thoughts and Poetry
Some one once called me their North Star. I guess i was hoping I could be that again...be someone's stability, be someone's brightest light in a sky full of stars.
But you can only see the North Star at night, so maybe it's n0t dark enough for me to shine. ....

...

I still shine, don't I?
I still laugh, I still cry, I still smoke cigarettes.
I burn. I burn with light.
And I feel

I feel that I'm bottling it up, hiding it under a bushell.

I'm a slave wearing a white collar and a tie.
My job is my prison cell.
I answer questions to help people understand more clearly the root of all evil.
I help people understand money. Money for God's sakes! Money. I don't even care about the stuff.
Here I am working this retarded job that has everything to do with the one thing I can never have enough of. And since I can never have enough of it, I have convinced myself that I don't need all the money to buy the shit that everyone else has to appear "normal" or "functioning well in society". I feel like such a misfit in this world. I don't even know why I answer the phone anymore at work.

.....

Sorry that was a little bit overly dramatic. But really....THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!

8:11pm: not impressed. that's all. i'm just not impressed. i wonder why i feel so depressed---it's just the lack of being impressed. i feel like nothing exciting ever happens to me. but that should be a good thing right? right???!!! sigh.

there is a lack of excitement and an abundance of heat (the weather is pissing me off). do i not live in Michigan? anyways....whatever whatever whatever, blah blah blah. i'm bored.

7:39pm: i don't have anything exciting to say today. so i am not going to say anything.

6:51pm: dragon ball z
holy crap. this is for the dragon ball z hater in all of us. funny stuff

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/dbzparody.html

10:46pm: the sun went down again
frick. this sucks. will i ever feel contentment? why do i get this way and what do i have to do to get another way? (sigh) i don't even think theatre is going to cure it this time. i guess we'll have to see. i'm trying to figure out if i want to spend some time helping out the local community theatre with their lights and effects the next two weeks. i seriously think i'm going to turn it down. but why?! why do i want to push away the one thing that i love doing the most?! perhaps because it will take up a lot of my free time over the next couple weekends? perhaps it's because i don't think it will change my outlook. i gotta fix this thing.

1:56am: my favorite "animal"
Bulshanoi, I'm a butterfly. hehehe




Butterfly

the most Delicate and Feminine of all
Winged Creatures!


What Winged Creature are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

12:04am: better than the matrix
this stick dude kicks ass

http://www.hackernetwork.com/flash/stickdeathx.shtml

it's almost as if it were the template for the Matrix

8:15pm: you must love the badgers
WARNING: this cartoon is not for the "normal" minded. you will not find this funny unless you can find that little place in your heart where the most abstract is the most funny. I know a certain "OH BOB" will enjoy this.


http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/badgers/

there's more where that came from....teehehe