...yet I'll hammer it out
a surfeit of Pumfreys (spelt Pontefracts)
macabre Shakespearean humor 
and that's myself
user: [info]angevin2
name: Lea
Esto causidicus, medicus, si munera queris; / Gramaticus, logicus: pauper, egenus eris.
minutes, times, and hours
October 2008
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ports and happy havens
the searching eye of heaven
still-breeding thoughts
#thebreach, 1066 icons, 1381, 14th-c political poetry, academic wank, adventures in teaching, amusing advertisements, art, automotive mishaps, balladry, bbc, beer, ben jonson, better know a poet, big damn histories, booksluttery, branagh, buckingham! c'est donc buckingham!, bulwer & lyttle lytton, bük pørn, caricatures, cary, charles i, chaucer, choirgeekery, chroniclers, class whinges, completely random crap, computer shit, concordia, conferences: kzoo, conferences: mla, conferences: other, conferences: saa, conferences: saa: 2008, continuing struggles with mental floss, continuing struggles with mentalfloss, coriolanus, crackpot theories, crushing penury, cst, daft shakespeare tarot, demonstrations of outstanding maturity, didactic children's histories, dinosaurs and sodomy, dirtybadwrong, dissertation, doctor who, donne, dorkery, dreams, dryden, dsp, dumb shakespeare humor, early modern text is funny, edward ii, edward iii's overactive loins, eldritch horrors, elizabeth i, elizabethan nationalism, elizabethan pedagogy, england's heroicall epistles, esc, evil shakespeare overlord list, exams, fannish, festival lecturing, fetch the comfy chair, fic, fic recs, filk, firefly, folk things, free burma, füd pørn, g&s, gallows humor, gender, general whinges, general whinging, globe, gower, gripes about minor things, haiku, hamlet, happymaking, harry potter, hath not thy rose a thorn, henry iv, henry v, henry vi, historical fiction, historiography, hockey, holinshed, hot shakespeare men tournament, humiliation, i am overeducated, i am so retro, i fucking hate rhetoric, i hate temporal mechanics, i have so long keepe shepe, i love my dead gay kings, i need to get out more, icons, if she can write a novel..., in search of shakespeare, indecision 08, insomnia posts, irrational gripes, it's funny 'cause it's true, jack straw, james i, jonson, julius caesar, king john, king lear, latin translations, lea's compulsive ricardianism, lea's post-it fetish, librivox, links, lj maintenance, lollardy, macbeth, maintenance bitching, man-eating livestock, marginalia, marlowe, measure for measure, medieval lit is on crack, medieval robots, medieval shiny, memetic mutation, mental hygiene, merry wives of windsor, metatheater, michael drayton, middle scots, milton, monarchy, muppets, music, my friends rock, nashe, national poetry month 2006, national poetry month 2007, national poetry month 2008, navel-gazing, obsessive word counts/mutual admiration, old-school lit crit, olde bokes, olivier, on this date, open letters, othello, other people's reviews, pastime with good company, people are alike all over, perkin warbeck, personal shakespeare filmography, phone posts, photos, pimpery, plumpy bacchus, poetry, pointless polls, politics, polls, preaching to the choir, prince hal's leather pants, privies, procrastination ho!, project middleton, psa (real ones), puritans have less fun, quotes, radio, radio shakespeare, ralph fiennes' awesome pants, random elizabethan poets, random stupid insights, rants, readthroughs, religion, ren lit is on crack, renaissance drama, renaissance shiny, research twaddle, reviews, richard ii, richard iii, ripped from the headlines!, rsc, rsc histories icons, run in circles scream and shout, saaaam, samuel daniel, say don't you remember i'm your pal, screwy "tommy" filk, shakespeare editions, shakespeare illos, shakespeare on crack, shakespeare on film, shakespeare-to-fannish dictionary, shakespearean ads, shakespearean limericks, shakespeareana, shameless dorkery, sidney, silliness, slings & arrows, snark, sonnet haikus, sonnets, soviet cartoons, sp shakespeare, spenser, sporksporkspork, stagecraft, stalking the rsc (but not really lj), star wars, stratford, stuarty things, stuff what i made, stupid authorship tricks, stupid flash games, stupid internet tricks, surveiller et punir, tasty jacobi goodness, tasty meat pies, tea dammit, textual criticism, thank you captain obvious, the abomination, the bad idea bears, the canterbury smackdown, the civil wars, the elizabethans are different, the end of zombie shakespeare, the essex thing, the golden garland, the king himself hath a heavy reckoning, the lancastrian propaganda machine, the mentally scarring psa tournament, the one post i'm making on the topic, the tempest, theater, theory, things i'll regret in the morning, things that are awesome, things that ought to exist, this play gets filthier every time, thomas more, those wacky de veres, tolkien, trauma, trekkiness, trivia you'll never ever need, tudory things, twelfth night, twitterpated, unspeakable vileness, utter pointlessness, vd is for everybody, videos, weird-ass scenes, weltschmerz, who the hell would hire me?, why are we in this handbasket, woodstock, wordles, words words words, work whinges, wtf, you can't unsee it, you really like me
for they breathe truth
"I have been studying how I may compare
This prison where I live unto the world,
And for because the world is populous
And here is not a creature but myself
I cannot do it -- yet I'll hammer it out..."
-- Shakespeare, Richard II 5.5.1-5

"Why then should witlesse man so much misweene
That nothing is, but that which he hath seene?
What if within the Moones faire shining spheare,
What if in euery other starre vnseene
Of other worldes he happily should heare?
He wonder would much more: yet such to some appeare."
-- Edmund Spenser, The Faerie Queene II, Proem 3.4-9

"The first and wisest of them all professed
To know this only, that he nothing knew..."
-- Milton, Paradise Regained IV.293-94

"I began to act the tragedies for the benefit of my father and mother. Unfortunately I was an only child, which meant that I had to play all the parts, so I leapt in and out of the door at the end of our sitting room, duelling with myself, forcing myself to drink from my own poisoned chalice, and furiously upbraiding myself as my own mother. They were productions which must have been far more enjoyable to perform than to watch. When I was 13 and played Richard II at school, I was astonished to have an actual Queen to kiss, and a murderer to assault me in the gaol. As I died on the speech room platform I thought that life would never provide me with a more glorious moment; nor has it."
-- John Mortimer

"For if hevene be on this erthe, and ese to any soule,
It is in cloister or in scole, by many skiles I fynde.
For in cloistre cometh no man to querele ne to fighte,
But al is buxomnesse there and bokes, to rede and to lerne.
In scole there is skile, and scorn but if he lerne,
And gret love and likyng, for ech of hem lereth oother."
-- William Langland, Piers Plowman X.299-304

"'The best thing for being sad,' replied Merlyn, 'is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honor trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then -- to learn.'"
-- T.H. White, The Once and Future King

"History is not what you thought. It is what you can remember. All other history defeats itself."
-- Sellar and Yeatman, 1066 and All That
1 December 2004, 10:39 am
here cousin seize the crown
Submitted for your approval. You don't have to know Edward Gorey's Gashlycrumb Tinies to get this, but it helps. You probably do have to know a fair deal of Shakespeare.

Of course, it doesn't have the illustrations, which are what make the original -- you'll just sort of have to visualize them.

Oh, and some of these are fairly lame, on the grounds that there weren't any characters with the appropriately-lettered name who died in ways that I could make rhyme easily. Likewise, occasionally better-known characters got shafted in favor of more obscure ones for the same reason. Ah, well.

THE GASHLYSPEARE TINIES

A is for Antigonus, lunch for a bear
B is for Banquo (but not for his heir)
C is for Cloten, deprived of his head
D is for Desdemona, smothered in bed
E is for Enobarbus, quelled by regret
F is for Falstaff, carried off by a sweat
G is for Gloucester, whose eyes were both gored
H is for Hamlet, stabbed with poisonous sword
I is for Iago, condemned to be racked1
J is for Juliet's suicide pact
K is for Kent, who would follow his master
L is for Lear, who expired by disaster
M is for Macbeth, attacked by a glade
N is for Norfolk, who died on crusade
O is for Ophelia, whose death was all wet
P is for Portia, who dined on briquet2
Q is for Quickly, burnt out by VD
R is for Regan, who drank poison tea
S is for Suffolk, by pirates beheaded
T is for Titus, whose victims were breaded
U is for Uncle Claude, poisoned (and more)3
V is for Vaughan, who was killed by a boar4
W is for Warwick, who at Barnet was slain
X5 is for Exton, who wandered like Cain
Y is for Yorick, who's naught but a skull
Z is for no one, so this ending is dull

1. Much like my brains in devising this doggerel. Cinthio's Hecatommithi, Shakespeare's main source for Othello, tells us that the there-unnamed ensign is condemned to the rack for his role in the murder of Disdemona (as Cinthio spells it), and then dies a very uncomfortable death after his internal organs rupture.

2. I believe this unusual manner of death also appears in the original Gashlycrumb Tinies.

3. This line was contributed by [info]the_alchemist. Many thanks!

4. This reference is common enough in Richard III that I can use it. And yes, he's a ridiculously minor character. Really, there aren't that many Shakespeare characters who have names starting with V. And most of them survive their plays.

5. Yes, I know it's not, really, but I didn't make this stuff up. Blame Shakespeare for not giving anyone a name starting with X. And don't tell me there weren't any. It was good enough for Marlowe. Or was that Zenocrate with a Z? Now I can't remember offhand.
Comments 
1 December 2004, 04:54 pm (UTC)
[info]sadora
T is for Titus, whose victims were breaded

That amused me far too much. :)
1 December 2004, 04:57 pm (UTC)
[info]cheshyre
That is brilliant!

May I have permission to repost on [info]riba_rambles, with full credit, of course?
1 December 2004, 05:05 pm (UTC)
[info]ghastlymess
I too would like to post and credit, you ridiculous genius you!
1 December 2004, 05:18 pm (UTC)
[info]wiliqueen
*cackling like a mad thing*

Stop bashing yourself. This is bloody brilliant!
1 December 2004, 05:20 pm (UTC)
[info]fannishnej
That is wonderfully clever. Would it be OK if I posted it to [info]sca? Credited to you of course.
1 December 2004, 05:34 pm (UTC)
[info]hybridutensil
M is for Macbeth, attacked by a glade

*dies*
1 December 2004, 05:39 pm (UTC)
[info]novak
Rah! Yay! I didn't get the context, but I enjoyed the result! My favourite line was:

T is for Titus, whose victims were breaded
1 December 2004, 05:53 pm (UTC)
[info]ladyshrew
::dies laughing:: That is brilliant. I want to be taking a Shakespeare class just to bring that in, dang nabbit! ;-)

I'll have to post it in my LJ w/ credit (of course) later. Hope you posted it to the Shakesy comm!
1 December 2004, 06:08 pm (UTC)
[info]cataptromancer
I predict that this will find its way all over the internet. It probably won't be as big as "baby got back" in latin, but I think it's got "legs," as they say. And it's immensely funny.

Couldn't you do something with Ulysses from Troilus for U?
1 December 2004, 06:13 pm (UTC)
[info]westerly
One of the most amazing things I've ever read! This makes my day!

I sent it to my mom, who teaches Shakespeare to High School students.

I'm so putting this on my wall. I'm particularly fond of T.
1 December 2004, 06:15 pm (UTC)
[info]the_alchemist
Tee hee!

*thinks*

"U is for Uncle 'Claud', poisoned and more"?
1 December 2004, 06:35 pm (UTC)
[info]jadasc
Much like my brains in devising this doggerel. Cinthio's Hecatommithi, Shakespeare's main source for Othello, tells us that the there-unnamed ensign is condemned to the rack for his role in the murder of Disdemona (as Cinthio spells it), and then dies a very uncomfortable death after his internal organs rupture.

Well, there's that. And the fact that "unmann'd" and "racked" are similar terms for an unfortunate injury to that part of the anatomy.
1 December 2004, 07:11 pm (UTC)
[info]sadcypress
Between this and the Things Not to Do to Shakespeare, you're gonna be able to take over the internet soon. ;)
1 December 2004, 07:19 pm (UTC)
[info]troyswann
squeeeeee!
1 December 2004, 07:45 pm (UTC)
[info]mattblum
That's excellent!

I do have two suggestions/nitpicks:

1. Gloucester doesn't die from having his eyes gouged out. He dies at the end of the play, when Edgar reveals his true identity. Maybe you could make that line "G is for Gertrude, who gave in to her thirst," and then "H is for Hamlet, last to die though stabbed first." Or something like that.

2. P threw me for a minute, until I remembered that there was a Portia in Julius Caesar. Because most people think (as I did) Portia = Merchant of Venice, I might suggest this: Change the O line to "O is for Ophelia, who just failed to swim," and then the P line to "P is for Polonius, 'twas curtains for him."

I like the previous commenter's suggestion of "uncle" for U, to work in Claudius. I can't think of anything to do with Z, nor anything better to do with X.

Please don't take my comments as criticism: I love what you wrote, particularly B, M, and T.
1 December 2004, 07:51 pm (UTC)
[info]kickouttheiambs
You are my new best friend.
1 December 2004, 11:32 pm (UTC)
[info]aussiepeach
A is for angevin2, so bloody clever
her work was immortal, and lived on forever.
2 December 2004, 10:20 am (UTC)
[info]roxulasbride
that's fun!!!
2 December 2004, 04:04 pm (UTC)
[info]penmage
You are my hero. This is awesome.
2 December 2004, 05:59 pm (UTC) - hi there!
[info]the_red_shoes
((here via [info]supergee via [info]rysmiel))

((shrieks))

((looks round at other Shakespeariana))

((friends you))
2 December 2004, 07:29 pm (UTC)
[info]joemorf
Kudos! Nice work.

(I am also here via [info]supergee.)

~j
2 December 2004, 08:42 pm (UTC)
[info]astaria51
These require icons. *nods wisely*
4 December 2004, 07:21 am (UTC) - You don't know me...
[info]gruyere
...but I'm a friend of [info]ladyshrew's, and I ganked this and reposted it with credit a few days ago.

And now I have a question for you. Would you mind emailing me? * Address is tabula-rasa@NOSPAMDAMMITverizon.net.

Thanks.



*This is not the question, although it is a question.
6 December 2004, 06:07 am (UTC)
[info]rymenhild
M is for Macbeth, attacked by a glade

Hee. Deeply amused medievalist here.

Do you mind if I friend you?
9 December 2004, 02:35 pm (UTC)
[info]octopedingenue