Something that may amuse the Shakespeareans on my list! I posted this ages ago, but have added to it since then (having seen a few not-very-good productions), and I have many more Shakespearean friends now. And it's been a while since I've posted something silly.

Contributions from non-me people are credited in parentheses.

ETA: Since this post has hit the character limit, new contributions will be recorded here.


THE THINGS I WILL NOT DO WHEN I DIRECT A SHAKESPEARE PRODUCTION, ON STAGE OR FILM

1. The ghost of Hamlet's father will not be played by the entire ensemble underneath a giant piece of diaphanous black material.
2. I will not cast anyone who can accurately be called a "teen idol" simply to draw in the trendy set.
3. I will not put the cast in Victorian costumes for want of a better idea.
4. I will not imply that Hamlet is sleeping with his mother, or wants to.
5. I will not make actors in battle scenes wear knitted chainmail of a color that makes them resemble not so much a medieval warrior as Winnie-the-Pooh.
6. When employing non-traditional casting choices (along gender or racial lines) I will not employ embarrassing stereotypes alongside them.
7. I will not allow any actor to bring a knife to a gunfight. (montjoy)
8. Likewise, I will not allow any actor to bring a gun to a knife fight.
9. I will not assume I know the play better than Shakespeare did, despite apparent evidence to the contrary.
10. I will not treat A Midsummer Night's Dream as though it were Un Chien Andalou.
11. I will not cast Graham Abbey as Henry V.
12. I will not cast actresses as Helena and Hermia who are the same height.
13. Richard II's minions will not be made to wear pink.
14. If I must cut the Henry VI plays down to two, I will not leave the superbly dramatic death scenes of important supporting characters offstage.
15. I will not make the moral schema of the play clear beyond a reasonable doubt for the logically-impaired in the audience unless the script calls for it. (montjoy)
16. Battle scenes will not be presided over by a ridiculous contraption resembling a death-bot.
17. Richmond will not be just as bad as Richard III.
18. I will not forget that although he's a wonderful character, there are other people in the Henry IV plays besides Falstaff.
19. I will not end Hamlet after "Good night, sweet prince."
20. I will not costume anyone such that the first thought raised in the minds of the audience is "merry elf," unless he is playing one of the fairies in A Midsummer Night's Dream.
21. I will not require anyone to paint a St. George's Cross on his face.
22. Ariel should, ideally, wear more than Gollum. (montjoy)
23. I will not work in any pop music. (montjoy)
24. I will not show the earth opening up unless I have a very good reason for it.
25. I will not use long red ribbons to represent blood, particularly if the long red ribbons bear an unnerving resemblance to pasta.
26. I will not cut important scenes simply because I do not like them.
27. If I am running an annual Shakespeare festival, I will acknowledge that there are plays beyond A Midsummer Night's Dream and Twelfth Night.
28. I will not go overboard literalizing the imagery in the play.
29. I will not overlook either the pro-war or the anti-war side of Henry V.
30. As much as I enjoy his films, I will not steal from Kenneth Branagh. It's not like people won't notice.
31. I will not overwhelm wonderful speeches with overbearing flashbacks.
32. I will not employ a conception of Caliban which would require him to wear a ghastly furry costume reminiscent of a hypothetical offspring of Chewbacca and the Wolf from Into the Woods.
33. Also, I will not require Caliban to hump Stephano's leg while telling him about Miranda, no matter how big a laugh it will get.
34. I will not require any actor to brush his teeth onstage. Especially if the production is supposed to be set in period.
35. Princess Katherine will not ask for an English lesson while bathing, thematically apt as it may be.
36. Keanu Reeves will not be allowed near the production.
37. I will not pantomime every image employed in the text in concert with its recitation under the assumption that it's the only way the dumb audience could possibly understand Elizabethan text. (sagamore)
38. I will not flood the stage with water. (fantome14)
39. The Twelfth Night Fool will not be split into four parts: Gotcha, Misha, Feste, and something else (can't remember- I was Gotcha). (riverdancer)
40. Titania should not be portrayed as a dominatrix. (riverdancer)
41. Olivia being played by a man who really looks more like a woman is not that good of an idea. (riverdancer)
42. I will not change words in the text simply because I fear "glass" instead of "mirror" or something similar is too difficult for the audience to understand, as I am not Shakespeare and should leave it the hell alone. (ladybretagne)
43. I will not have Hermia acting like she's never worn a dress before in her life and doesn't know how to stand in it. (neadods)
44. I will not make the staging for Winter's Tale make the audience wonder if they've wandered into a budget production of Starlight Express. (neadods)
45. If I'm doing Twelfth Night, Sebastian will not be played by a 6'6 man with a heavy black beard and Viola will not be played by a 5'4 woman with a big chest and strawberry blonde hair and we'll just pretend nobody can tell the difference. (neadods)
46. If I'm doing As You Like It, when the Duke says "Find Orsinio" I will not have the player playing Orsinio standing 2 feet away staring at them. (neadods)
47. I will not forget that stage and film are two different media.
48. I will not have actors prancing about in the background acting the seven scenes of man's life in "As You Like It", no matter how stupid my audience is. (actingfool4u)
49. If an actor is known for doing TV, he should not be cast in a tragedy unless you have definitive proof he can handle the role. (stratfordbabe)
50. The "to be" speech should not end with the line "from henceforth shall all my thoughts be bloody." (stratfordbabe)
51. Political statements should only be made if they fit within the context of the play -- not at the expense of the context of a play. (stratfordbabe)
52. Video cameras will not be used on stage -- especially if the images captured there will be projected on a screen behind the actor. (stratfordbabe)
53. Actors should be told that these are characters interacting with each other, not people reciting lines. They should be hurt if they forget that. (stratfordbabe)
54. And, while Falstaff is a good character, he is also a dark one. Let's not forget that. (stratfordbabe)
55. I will not allow the King's ghost in Hamlet to look like a hairy popsicle. (sinister_beauty)
56. I will make sure that Orsino and Cesario/Viola will always [almost] kiss at some point (preferably at the "If ever thou shalt love, in the sweet pangs of it remember me..." scene) while Viola is still dressed as a man - homoerotic subtext is a must in that play. (sinister_beauty)
57. Gerard Depardieu will be locked up with Keanu, far far away from Shakespeare. (sinister_beauty)
58. Juliet and Romeo will never be portrayed as mature, sexual adults. (sinister_beauty)
59. The fight between Helena and Hermia when Lysander and Demetrius fall for Helena will not be portrayed as a High School Drama Festival competition, full of leaps and catches and DTASC junk. (sinister_beauty)
60. Romeo will not attack Tybalt for killing Mercutio like a depressed whiny brat. We need anger, vengeance, blood lust! (sinister_beauty)
61. Macbeth will not wear a kilt that goes down past his shins. That, my friends, is a skirt. (sinister_beauty)
62. Puck will not wear little gold Arabian Nights shoes that curl up at the toes. (sinister_beauty)
63. Sir Andrew Aguecheek shall never be a young, lean, attractive man who no one in the audience can understand why Olivia turned away. (sinister_beauty)
64. Sir Toby Belch shall never be the same age as Olivia. (sinister_beauty)
65. I will not re-stage Twelfth Night to take place in Wonderland. (sinister_beauty)
66. If I cannot or will not get an actor to impersonate a corpse, I will not use a mannequin and then make a dramatic point of revealing said corpse.
67. I will not put people in elaborate period costumes that only go down to their shoulders.
68. I will not aim for realism in my fight choreography when both armies together only number about ten people. Especially if I have a big stage.
69. Richard III will not be portrayed as a whiny little prat who couldn't seduce or murder his way out of a wet paper bag.
70. I will not use metatheater as a way to disguise the ineptitude of my cast or of myself. If by some chance I find myself forced to take this course anyway, I will make it clear that the production is meta and not just half-assed.
71. People playing human (non-elf/fairy/spirit) characters will not be made to wear costumes that sparkle unless there is a good reason for it.
72. I will not cast a perky twentysomething as Doll Tearsheet, even if it is a convenient double with Lady Percy (who can be cast as a perky twentysomething).
73. Lady Macbeth will never be allowed to whine.
74. If the production calls for the display of severed heads, I will not use prop heads that look nothing like the actors. If I cannot afford convincing heads, I will not display the unconvincing ones too prominently (blood-soaked sacks can be surprisingly effective).
75. Conversely, I will not shrink from using severed heads if the script calls for it. Likewise, if blood is important thematically, I will do my best to show some onstage.
76. Jaques probably should not sing, except for the "ducdame" routine, nor should he be involved in any song-and-dance numbers I may wish the courtiers in Arden to perform. It makes his decision to lead a life of solitary contemplation seem rather abrupt.
77. I will not make my cast simulate slow motion.
78. When characters are required to speak with accents, I will make sure the actors in question can actually do them.
79. If I am filming 1 Henry IV I will not pull back for a long shot right when Hal says "I do, I will."
80. I will not un-soliloquize soliloquies.
81. I will not fail to employ a dictionary if there are words in the text whose pronunciation is uncertain, and I will strongly encourage my actors to do the same. I will not allow an actor playing Richard II to go through the rehearsal process without being disabused of the notion that "Antipodes" rhymes with "nematodes" if he is in need of such disabusement.
82. Olivia probably should not say "Most wonderful!" as if she's thinking "THREESOME!"
83. No character will be allowed to skip around the stage without a particularly good reason. Particularly if it's a guy.
84. I will not demonstrate that any character is boorish and obnoxious by having him spray copious amounts of saliva everywhere with each line. The rest of the cast will thank me for it.
85. I will not portray characters in a manner wildly inconsistent with the rest of the production (e.g. out-of-period dress in a period production) unless it is justified by the text (so characters like Chorus in Henry V or Gower in Pericles are exempt from this rule). It mostly just confuses the audience.
86. I will not open the play with scenes from the fifth act and treat the action as a flashback.
87. I will not have Henry throwing tomatoes at a spinning fan blade whilst yelling at Montjoy. (jon3831)
88. I will not portray Mercutio as a speed addict and Tybalt as his dealer. I will try to do the world a favour and cease from modernising Romeo and Juliet. (passionate_lies)
89. I will not let Glenn Close within ten feet of any Shakespearian text. (passionate_lies)
90. In a production of Cymbeline, Jupiter should not be played as some kind of bizarre winged thing on a high metal contraption with a magnifying glass for a face. Additionally, portraying the Leonati as four faceless figures swathed in one long, connected white cloth and bunches of gold Christmas lights with their lines delivered from offstage through the sound system that echoes and is impossible to understand is a bad idea. (poisoninjest)
91. I will recognize that there is never a need for a monolith ala 2001: A Space Odyssey in Macbeth. (majrgenrl8)
92. I will not project a PowerPoint slideshow onto a large screen above and behind the actors, ever, for any reason, no matter what. (mintwitch)
93. I will refrain from "correcting" the text politically or "improving" it to avoid possible offense. (mintwitch)
94. Thematically apt though it may be, I shall not have anyone in Twelfth Night resemble a character from Rocky Horror. (adamselzer)
95. I will not allow my actors to suffer under the misapprehension that "more spittle" = "better acting." (roz_mcclure)
96. I will reserve the "drunken fool" interpretation for those characters for which it is textually sound to do so. Falstaff in Merry Wives is one of those characters. Don Pedro in Much Ado is not. (roz_mcclure)
97. Additionally, I will keep Don Pedro's marriage proposal to Beatrice ambiguous. (roz_mcclure)
98. I will not have sheep in my pastoral scenes. (roz_mcclure)
99. I will not put La Pucelle in a Xena-esque metal bikini, no matter how attractive the actor's legs and stomach are. (roz_mcclure)
100. I will remember that Cordelia, despite her youth, is not a whiner. (roz_mcclure)
101. No matter how clever or "modern" the production, no characters in Shakespeare will ever be portrayed at a rave. (bromius)
102. I will not cut the mythological "filler" from characters' dialogue to shorten a play's running time. (bromius)
103. Either Hamlet is mad, or not. Either Ophelia is a virgin at the time of her death, or not. All are defensible positions, but I shall make a decision early in rehearsals and stick to it. (commodorified)
104. Henry V is Henry V and Blackadder is Blackadder. Cast members who are playing members of the French nobility shall refrain from speaking deliberately execrable French; neither shall they speak English with a comic accent. Violators will be tossed to bilingual members of the audience for chastisement. (commodorified)
105. No matter how much I may personally be enthralled by Dadaism, I will not insert random Dadaist elements into a production of "Taming of the Shrew". I will especially not have actors carrying gigantic black bowlers through the scenes for absolutely no reason. (gryphons_lair)
106. I will not insert Oberon and the entire Faery Court into "Taming of the Shrew" so that I can turn the story into a drunken tailor's surreal dream sequence stage-managed by Oberon, with the Faery Court playing all the roles except Petruchio. (gryphons_lair)
107. I will not use a chipmunk puppet, a frog puppet, and a neon green alligator puppet (or indeed, any puppets at all) instead of actors. (vampychick)
108. I will never cast Samuel West as Petruchio, for while there are few things more important than Excellent Shakespeare, Not Breaking Feminism is one of them. (commodorified)
109. I will not portray Oberon and Puck as two handsome and well-built young men dressed in little more than blue and green paint. This is for the simple reason that it is distracting. (avariel_wings)
110. Even if I have seen Franco Zeferelli's Romeo and Juliet, I will not make it blindingly obvious that Mercutio wants to jump Romeo's bones. (polaris_starz) [Instead, I will hint at it. ;) ]
111. I will not have two actors of different races play siblings. (polaris_starz)
112. I will not cater to the lowest common denominator in making already comedic scenes funny by making the characters stupid. Benedick should never consider the Boy to be an appropriate hiding place where no one will notice him, even while it looks like he's criminally molesting the Boy. (celestialfray)
113. I will not inflate a one line role (such as Boy from Much Ado) into the focus of a scene, no matter how hilariously Benedick can molest him. It's a bit distracting. (celestialfray)
114. To that end, I will not cast extraordinarily charismatic actors in roles that essentially amount to cameos.
116. I will not be too cheap or lazy to change the sets, so that every scene in the play does not occur in the same 15x15 section of the backyard of some mansion/hotel. Some scenes make sense anywhere, but Hero getting dressed/ready outdoors in the same spot where the wedding is to occur makes little sense. (celestialfray)
117. I will consider all the ramifications before setting Shakespeare in a more modern time. Especially when it concerns the bigger plot points. Banishment seems like underkill for murder in the 20th Century. Likewise, death seems like overkill for a disobedient daughter in the late 1800s. (celestialfray)
118. I will not dress Goneril in dry-clean-only mint green silk shantung and then block her sitting on furniture containing substantial traces of "vile jelly" from the previous scene. (wiliqueen)
119. I will not permit my set designer to install, during tech week, a "little footbridge" that consumes a third of the stage. (wiliqueen)
120. No matter how nifty I think it would be to place Othello in an American Civil War setting, I will not require actors to perform outdoors in August in multiple layers of wool. (wiliqueen)
121. If I insist on directing myself as Henry V, I will learn my lines, since Katherine will be unable to provide me useful cues from nothing but various permutations of "I don't understand you." (wiliqueen)
122. If Macbeth is dressed in 1930s-era fascist chic, Lady Macbeth will not be allowed to dress in a 1960s caftan, complete with beads. (irish_horse)
123. I will not stage Macbeth as the leader of a Scottish mafia family. (irish_horse)
124. I will not put Titania in a neon-green wig, especially when the actress has perfectly fairy-esque short, curly brown hair. (the_dala)
125. I will not make my Midsummer Night fairies into furniture for the other actors to sit upon. It's cruel and painful, no matter how cool it looks, and the audience will laugh at them. (the_dala)
126. It is unwise to cast people simply because you're fucking them as any part in any play whatsoever. Unless it is first proven they can act. Especially as Rosalind in As You Like It or any other major role. (se_parsons)
127. The Three Witches in Macbeth should never appear clad entirely in burlap sacks, including sacks over their heads. And there's no reason to have 9 of them, even if you're trying to do some stupid Norn fates thing because it's SCOTLAND, OK? Not Scandinavia. (se_parsons)
128. Lady Macbeth doesn't start out the play insane. If she does, there's nowhere to go. It's called a character ARC! (se_parsons)
129. When you kill Duncan DO NOT put his body in a wardrobe that happens to be on the stage and then use the same wardrobe as an exit and entrance. It prompts audience comments about Duncan's going to Narnia and "Don't open the door, there's a dead guy in there!" (se_parsons)
130. Lady MacBeth should never give her biggest speeches lying facedown on a green couch. (se_parsons)
131. The Three Apparitions should NOT crawl offstage in full view of the audience after giving their speeches, particularly not while wearing a silver lame evening gown. (se_parsons)
132. If you are setting Macbeth in the modern era, there is no excuse for people fighting with broadswords in the subway, no matter how much you loved Highlander. (se_parsons)
133. 47 women in identical black wigs commuting on the train do not make good Three Witches. (se_parsons)
134. At the end of The Merry Wives of Windsor do NOT have the company arrive to torment Falstaff dressed as for Venetian Carnivale in all white robes with pointed hats. It ends up as a Klan rally gone seriously awry. Poking Falstaff with the point of your Klan hat should ABSOLUTELY be avoided as it causes uncontrollable laughter on the part of the audience. (se_parsons)
135. Even if you're short on budget, any set from The Merry Wives of Windsor should in no way resemble Faust's hell. (se_parsons)
136. If there isn't moral ambiguity in every major plotline in Measure for Measure you're doing it wrong. (se_parsons)
137. At no time will Hamlet be allowed to impale Claudius with a chandelier. (troyswann)
138. The Duke in Measure for Measure will not be allowed to descend from the heavens on a trapeze bearing the legend: deus ex machina. (troyswann)
139. I will never portray Lady Macbeth as practicing Wicca. Especially if the production keeps the play in medieval Scotland. (lysana)
140. I will not use a timpani as a substitute for dramatic tension during battle scenes. (lysana)
141. I must not let the poor messenger who must tell Macbeth that he's seen a moving grove stand there like one of its trees when he's being yelled at. It does not suit the tone of the scene. (lysana)
142. Hamlet's mother will not be played by a woman who could have gone to high school with the actor playing Hamlet. At least not without rather a lot of aging makeup! (starcat_jewel)
143. I will not set The Tempest in a Gilligan's Island episode, and have my actors play their roles as characters from the show. (swirling_poetry)
144. I will not have my fuller chested female actors play all the secondary male roles as guys, unless absolutely necesary. While I know males are few, I also know breast binding is painful. (swirling_poetry)
145. If I have a high concept production, I have to make sure it makes sense to people who aren't me. (swirling_poetry)
146. I will not allow my extremely young Juliet to have caffiene before the performance. She's supposed to be immature, not a Muppet on speed. (butterflykiki)
147. I will have a contingency plan for outdoor plays in case of disasters other than weather. For instance: search helicopters looking for fugitives in the area. The actors are accomplished clog-dancers, but it's not fair to ask them to do that for the interim. (butterflykiki)
148. If I am producing a play outdoors, I will make sure that all the actors are able to project enough to be heard by the whole audience. (magid)
149.I will not add pantomimed scenes to Merchant in an attempt to explicate his Jewish background and then-modern anti-Semitism. (magid)
150. If unable to avoid going post-modern, I will not cast and costume all major characters so similarly that they can not be told apart. It's just mean to the new kids. (glamsith)
151. Having Shylock pour blood on a prayer shawl and ululate in Hebrew while waving a curved knife during the trial is just overkill. (glamsith)
152.I will not cast the ghost of Hamlet's father as a tinny voice speaking from inside a green-lit coffin. (marycrawford)
153. Puck should not wear a tutu. Nor should he be twins. (marycrawford)
154. As much as I like the actress, I will not cast Hamlet as a woman pretending to be a man. (jhawk1729) [Actually, I like cross-casting when this device isn't employed -- ed.]
155. I will not have men in kilts leaping down from set pieces. (jhawk1729)
156. When the audience is close enough to touch the actors, I will not instruct them to swing sharp weapons, like axes. (jhawk1729)
157. I will not being A Midsummer Night's Dream with a song and dance number featuring Puck tap-dancing. (jhawk1729)
158. I will not replace all the famous lines in Romeo and Juliet with pantomime just because everybody already knows the lines. (jhawk1729)
159. Just because somebody can play an instrument, I won't necessarily have them do so. (jhawk1729)
160. I will not add a video flashback of Hamlet as a child playing with his father. (jhawk1729)
161. If I must stage Macbeth in a modern setting, there is no reason to dress the Scottish nobles as Hare Krishnas, especially if I also arm them with machine guns. (my_catharsis)
162. During the "Out, damned spot" speech in Macbeth, I will remind myself that there is no reason for Lady Macbeth to be peeing on her hands. The spot she's talking about is metaphoric blood, not piss! (my_catharsis)
163. I will not make the spirits summoned by the witches in Macbeth resemble glow-in-the-dark ducks in a shooting gallery. (my_catharsis)
164. Macbeth is not from Sheffield. No matter how talented the actor in question is, if he cannot do a convincing Scottish accent, he should not be cast as Macbeth. (avariel_wings) [I'm not actually averse to Scottish-accent-less Macbeths, as long as it's consistent, but see also #78 -- ed.]
165. At no time shall Romeo slap Tybalt with a fish. This is especially key during their confrontation in 3.1. (wattie)
166. I shall not cast a 6'6" walking wall as Tybalt and a 5'4" pretty little man as Romeo without giving some thought at least at how I will choreograph the above mentioned confrontation in 3.1. (wattie)
167. I shall not cast Tubal as a Mafia Don and make him the central focus of the entire production. Neither shall CBC anchor Peter Mansbridge be inserted into the production. (wattie)
168. If I am staging and outdoor production of Romeo and Juliet I will make sure that I use actual outdoor lights and not stagelights for the theater with grounding cords and just 'Hope for the best' and also make sure to use whatever is necessary to keep the nearby bats from attacking the audience. (belleimani)
169. I will never try to cast Richard III as a cyberpunk war between two companies. (chipuni)
170. I will not have Hecate in the back of every scene of Macbeth, posing and trying to look interested, nor will I have her do an impromptu dancer's leap off stage-left at the end of Act III. It will only make my audience giggle and point. (heavenscalyx)
171. If the text says "thou purple herb," I will use a purple flower. (batosai)
172. Hippolyta is an AMAZON QUEEN; I will not portray her as a weak woman. (batosai)
173. I will not let Leonardo DiCaprio near the production. (batosai)
174. I will not put Puck, nor Feste nor Lear's Fool, nor any other character, in a Maxfield Parrish-esque fool costume COMPLETE WITH BELLS. If I absolutely MUST do that, I will make certain that the bells do NOT jingle. (kid_lit_fan)
175. I will not allow juggling nor acrobatics to be involved in my production. (kid_lit_fan)
176. I will not have actors rap rhyming passages. (kid_lit_fan)
177. I will not cast as Charles the wrestler someone who is better-looking, more charismatic and more talented than the actor playing Orlando. Having the audience cheering for Charles is a bad thing. (slacktivist)
178. Spandex is not a costume, even for the fairies in A Midsummer Night's Dream. Especially pink and green spandex. (lareinenoire)
179. Do not have horrible dry-ice/cracking ground special effects for the end of the ghost scene in Hamlet. (lareinenoire)
180. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern will not enter on a miniature train. (lareinenoire)
181. The balcony scene in Romeo and Juliet will take place on an actual balcony. It's important! (lareinenoire)
182. Olivia is not histrionic. Really, she isn't. Even if she's being played by a man in drag. (lareinenoire) [Actually, I disagree with this one; almost everyone in Twelfth Night is fairly histrionic, for that matter -- ed.]
183. Decide at the beginning precisely how evil/good you wish a character to be. Hell, decide how you wish a character to be played, and don't wander off in the opposite direction somewhere in Act IV. (lareinenoire)
184. Do not use a cooking video to illustrate the magical feast in The Tempest, no matter how funny it was at the time. (lareinenoire)
185. If my production involves a fight scene in any way, shape, or form, I will immediately add another month for rehearsal time. (rahaeli)
186. If my production involves a swordfight, and my actors assure me "Oh, yeah, I can swordfight just fine," I will double the planned rehearsal time and immediately triple the liability insurance for my production. (rahaeli)
187. If the play I am producing does not have a swordfight, I will resist the urge to add one. (rahaeli)
188. I will not use combs to substitute for knives. (rahaeli)
189. Nor will I use ski poles. (rahaeli)
190. Or big sticks. (rahaeli)
191. Anything that requires anyone to be flopping long sheets of cloth in the background to symbolize something, including our set designer's on strike, should probably be rethought. (bellatrys)
192. There is no reason to be tying people up in King John. Okay, maybe when putting out Arthur's eyes. But that's all. (antikate)
193. Juliet does not chew gum, even if she is fourteen. (avariel_wings)
194. I will not rehearse hand-to-hand fight scenes in small rooms with brick walls, unless I wish rehearsal to be held up by one of the actors suffering a concussion. (avariel_wings)
195. If I am going to stage anything outside a theatre requiring actors to be out in public with swords and armour, I will remember to warn the local police first. The show will not go on with half the cast in the cells. (avariel_wings)
196. I will avoid dressing people up like Nazis or Fascists. Especially in the Merchant of Venice. (chryx)
197. Mummification in Saran wrap does not make for a good costume, even for fairies in Midsummer Night's Dream. Especially if it is performed outdoors in the middle of summer. (dolphin__girl)
198. If I make the fairies in Midsummer Night's Dream wear headlamps in my outdoor production because the lights look cool moving through the woods at night, I will come up with an alternative costuming idea for the matinee performances, when the lights just make them look like deranged miners. (dolphin__girl)
199. Beatrice is generally well-liked by everone except Benedick. Thus she should not be a raving bitch to everyone she meets. I will remember that there is a big difference between wit and PMS. (dolphin__girl)
200. If I decide it's a good idea to set Much Ado during the Spanish Civil War, I will refrain from altering massive swathes of the text to accomodate it, especially if I have no sense of meter. Shakespeare knew what he was doing. Benedick is NOT the fourth Stooge. (dolphin__girl)
201. Similarly, I will remember that Much Ado is a comedy. I will refrain from having the company dress in funerial black for the wedding, dance to sombre music, and then die in a bombing raid. Even if am labouring under the misapprehension that this would be terribly artistic. (dolphin__girl)
202. When Macbeth and Lady Macbeth meet for the first time, I will not transform their greeting into five to ten minutes of rolling around the stage making out, groping, and kissing like two teenagers in the back seat of a car. This goes double if I've costumed Lady Macbeth with a black leather miniskirt. If I do decide to go ahead with this insane idea, I shall make sure that the miniskirt is pointing away from the audience. (texas_tiger)
203. I will never dress Puck in a black t-shirt reading PCUK, even if it seems funny when I think of it. (amchau)
204. I will never cause a character to fall into water (e.g. swimming pool) just because the actor looks good in a wet t-shirt. (amchau)
205. I will not allow my actors to speak so fast that the words mean nothing. Neither will I encourage them to stress the iambic pentameter until the sense leaves the words. (amchau)
205. Nor will I encourage them to hold their breath while other actors are speaking. (amchau)
206. Nor will I require any actor playing a character who makes full use of sexual innuendo (Benedick, Beatrice, Juliet's Nurse, etc.) to garble those lines so that the innocent little children in the audience are not mentally damaged. Especially when said innocent little children are teenagers. (amchau)
207. Nor will I cut the Drunken Porter out of Macbeth, or any other comic character from a tragedy. (amchau)
208. And further to 130, "Lady Macbeth should never give her biggest speeches lying facedown on a green couch. (se_parsons)", may I add: Neither should Lady Macbeth give speeches while lying on her back in the bath, with her face underwater. (I've seen that done on film. It's deeply inadvisable.) (amchau)
209. I will never have the cast of Midsummer Night's Dream try to pull members of the audience onto stage to dance. It's not very clever to begin with, and it takes so long to find someone willing to dance that the music finishes before you get back on stage. (