Pick Your Poison: Carrie/Marty/Lupita

I'm in the weirdest mood right now. I stayed up til the wee hours a couple nights ago reading scanslated man-smut and now I think it has rekindled my man-smut passion! So in between my studying (just Cog neuro paper and two finals left! *dies*) I've been reading over old RPGs and stories and reminiscing with my old characters. It's been quite fun. Hehehe I think Makoto will appreciate the fact that I found my old posts from the Angels game we used to do on Yahoo. Oh Raziel! You were so dysfunctional and sexy. LOL Oh man, good times... good times. That's all I used to do freshman and sophomore year. Crazy. Somewhere along the way my writing bug curled up and died... I think it's all the depression. But lately I've been feeling better than I have in a long time. Think I'm finally recovering some of that energy I poured away into a fruitless relationship. You'd think that so much effort would yield something. Oh well. Still I'm really feeling okay now. Remembering that being single has it's good points... like all of my energy gets to be spent on me.

Blah I'm so tired of studying I just want to bash my head into a wall. Eyes falling out of head...

I need more illustrated man-smut. LOL

Yeah so I woke up this morning and couldn't get back to sleep because I was
worrying about Kristin so much and our damn project.  I call her, still not
answering her phone.  Finally I get myself out of bed and check my e-mail hoping
she has reasponded to the one I sent her the night before.  There is an e-mail
from her mom.  Apparently Kristin was in an accident and has been off campus. 
No details about how she is though, just that she will be back on Wednesday and
that her mom was supposed to send us her part of the paper, but she can't find
it.  I knew something was wrong!!  I knew it!  When bad shit happens to you all
the time you start to know when bad shit happens.  >_< God I hope she is
okay.  At least Professor Kelly gave us an extension til Friday. 

So here it is finals week and Dana and Kristin and I have this huge project due on Thursday and Kristing has DROPPED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!!!! WTF?!?!?! She did not show up for our meeting last night, has not returned any of the 3 messages I left on her phone, any of the e-mails Dana and I have sent to her, none of her friends or sorority sisters know where she is, and she won't answer her phone! I'm seriously freaked out! First off I'm pissed cause she's got the first half of our paper and second of all this is so unlike her! I just want to scream and tear out my hair or something. AHHHHHH!!!!

Can this week just end already? Can we fast forward to the weekend? I'm starting to get sad about leaving. Where do all the people in you life go?

In other news I hung out with Cassie tonight and watched Pulp Fiction. I had forgotten how long that movie was. Dang. Haha and on our way back from the pizza place I got hit on! Whoo!! Go me LOL. Granted it was by a guy who was neither very attractive or bright, but hey you gotta feel flattered when someone comes up to you and says "Hey, you're cute. What's your name?" Now it just needs to be hot, intelligent woman who says it and my life will be perfect.

Gonna go stress out over Kristin's whereabouts some more. This is bothering me immensely.

You scored as The Student Dyke. Your entire life is defined by two things: your intellect and your sexuality; moreover you often merge the two to lure in women. </td> The Student Dyke 60% The Surprise! Dyke 50% The Stud 40% The Sprightly Elfin Femme 40% The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke 35% The Pretty-Boi Dyke 35% The Quasi-Gothic Femme 35% The Granola Dyke 20% The Femme Fatale 20% The Little-Boy Dyke 20% The Magic Earring Ken Dyke 10% The Hipster Dyke 0% The Bohemian Dyke 0% What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.) created with QuizFarm.com

This week in drama:



So this weekend was The Big Gay Weekend at Colgate and it was fun and awesome and I had two very lovely peeps stay in my apartment. Unfortunately I thought it would be a good idea to invite the 25+ (gay) people who showed up Friday night to my apartment to chill. They had a Truth or Dare Middle School revival in my living room. "I dare you to make out with her!" "I dare you to give him a lap dance!" I almost barfed and had to go to my room. But oh wait! There are gay boys making out in my room! >.< A good angry queer girl scolding later two very chagrinned gay boys promise not to soil my sheets. Upon fuming that it wasn't fair that the making out going on in my room wasn't MY making out another gay boy says he'll make out with me. I dared him to try... he dared O.o. Well at least it was more enjoyable than any OTHER time I've kissed a guy *blech*. And he was amazed that I (a mere girl) could kiss as awesomely as I can! Take that gay men everywhere! I almost converted one of your kind to LESBIANISM! LOL

So the next day I go to the Drag Ball and fall into lust with the MOST ADORABLE Drag King I have ever seen in my whole life. It's always the cute little butchy ones that get me all fluttery and weak kneed. I just wanted to wrap her up and take her home and eat her up... or out... or both. But of course true to my ridiculous self all I could do was stare in twitterpated awe at her hotness and run for cover at any sign of approach for fear of uncontrolable verbal idiocy on my part.

And this - THIS - ladies is why I am destined to be alone. Because even though on the inside I am a gooey ball of inarticulate shyness that is waiting for someone else to make a move APPARENTLY (according so sources very close to me) I over-compensate for this by maintaining a very collected, self-assured exterior which renders me completely unapproachable and intensely intimidating. And then upon getting home in my twitterpated state wishing I had at least tried to hold a conversation with this girl that all I know about is that she's a professional Drag King and lives in Buffalo and I know I will never see again but have thoroughly developed an intense little crush upon the likes of which I have not felt since I first laid eyes upon Beth Roberts, the once and probably NOT future love of my life, which is comforting in some way despite it's uselessness because it makes me hope that maybe just maybe I really am getting over her (the Beth) *deep breath here* I check my messages to discover that my friend whom I have no sexual attraction to at all has written to tell me that since I'm leaving in a month and she's letting her guard down (and I told her about my issues with no one ever having the balls to hit on me and me never having the balls to hit on anyone else) she wants me to know that she wants my hot body and that she can make me scream and forget all about HER (the Beth). *twitch*

And THAT was my week in drama. And that was actually just the weekend. Luckily the rest of the week was pretty drama free.

The thing about today is that I am hung over. This doesn't happen to me very often because a) I don't go out drinking very much and b) when I do I don't usually drink enough to feel it the next day. This is probably only one of 5 hung over moments of my life. Stupid hang over. Makes me tired. I almost tipped over in the kitchen getting cereal.

So the reason I am hung over is that yesterday I was invited to Dave and Starr's "Wine and Cheese Tasting" party. The theme of which was frippery. I don't really own any frippery, but I still went. All in all it was a lot of fun. Not too many people were there and I spent most of the time bullshitting with Mikey, Jerri, Brad, Dave, and/or Starr. What I noticed about the girls however was interesting. I didn't know any of them except Brad's main squeeze, Elice (who I like fairly well). But they seemed to corner themselves off in a little gaggle of insipidness. I was pretty much the only girl there who actually seemed to enjoy talking to the guys. Maybe that's because I wasn't trying to get anything out of them, and I knew they weren't trying to get anything out of me. We were just friends. And I came once again to the conclusion that I don't really like girls... at least not the majority of the ones who go to Colgate. They all seem like little cookie cutters of each other running around misplacing their brains. Where are all the intelligent, independent women who aren't slaves to fashion? That must be why I like lesbians so much. Now the question is... where are all the lesbians? Not in Hamilton, NY I can tell you that much. It makes my platonic years at Annie Wright so ironic LOL.

Anyway so after 3 glasses of wine and a white russian from Starr I walked myself home in a drunken haze and somehow manged to get into bed.

In other news on yesterday: I had an almost 2 hr long fight with my mom. It had been so long since we'd had one that it kind of took me by surprise, though I guess in some way I expected it. There was a lot of crying and screaming and I'm not really sure how it got resolved or if it really did. It's always the same old shit. Round and round it goes. So that was upsetting and got me crying. But I'm used to crying these days so I guess that wasn't a big deal. Maybe it was good to cry about something other than Beth for once. Though I did wish that I still had her to call.

Well my coffee is probably almost done. So I'm gonna end this now. Here's to hoping my head starts to feel better soon. Stupid hang over.

The weather has finally changed for the better.  The sunshine and the warmth
have done wonders for my mood lately.  I've actually been in good moods again
for once. 

I feel awful because I haven't been keeping up with people.  I keep
forgetting to call Cassie and see how she is doing.  She was so upset that last
time we talked and I said I would call...  I'm a bad friend... or just a
distracted one.  Japanese midterm this week... presentation last Tuesday.  I'm
just making excuses, I'm sure. 

Actually I'm feeling the disconnect from my friends again.  I don't know what
it is.  Maybe it's me just being me and not wanting to be too close to people...
protecting myself from the end of the year or something.  I don't know... I just
feel like there's this tension there, some kind of friction.  It's weird, but
the friends I made freshman year when I look at us and how we have changed over
the past four years we really don't have that much in common now.  Our interests
are dissimilar, our priorities aren't the same, the people we interact with are
different.  I mean we used to go to anime club together, watch movies together,
eat together all the time, just hang out and be silly.  Now it is a once in a
while special get-together kind of thing.  It makes me sad in a way, but I guess
that's just the way things go.  I like it when Mike or Jon come to visit,
because they bring back that sense of solidarity for me. 

I really want to get a bunch of people together to play night tag or
something like that up on the old golf course and cemetary.  It think that would
be so awesome.  It seems like something that would have been so easy to get
together when the Phsysics Mafia was still here, but now... I dunno getting
people interested in anything is hard.  Getting me interested in anything is
even harder. LOL   

I want to find someone to hook up with.  Maybe I will find someone over Big
Gay Weekend.  Yeah... not likely.  I'm so self-concious and shy around people
I'm attracted to.  I don't know how I got to be so forward with Beth when we
first started hanging out and hooking up.  It came so easy then... maybe that's
what people mean when something clicks... it just flows all easy like.  Maybe
I'll find someone like that over BGW, but I doubt it.  *le sigh*  Oh well. 

But all in all I am feeling a lot better.  I'm ok.  I don't need anyone to be
in my life that way.  I'm stronger than that.  What will be will be, and I will
be fine no matter what comes my way. 

The end of my college carreer is speeding towards me at the speed of
impending doom.  And yet with such a momentous event in my life just around the
corner I feel like I'm just cruising through it all.  No great effort is being
put forth on my part to get anything done or get things in order.  I really
couldn't care less about my work anymore.  My classes are boring and jokes
besides.  I just want to move out of this... either that or stay here forever...
All I know is that I can't take much more of the way things are now.  I feel
like I'm waiting... waiting... waiting for my life to gain some kind of purpose
again.  I had it for a little while. 

I told Shelly last week that I've decided that I need to be less hard on
myself.  I keep feeling like I should just be over everything and move on and
like I am hindering myself by continuing to have feelings for things I should be
able to let go of.  I beat myself up over it, and I get so angry with myself
when I cry.  Because I still cry month later with a regularity that makes me
feel powerless and childish.  But maybe that's ok.  Maybe it's okay for me to
cry still, because it's a process.  So that's why I need to be less hard on
myself.  I just hate feeling like I'll never be happy again.  I hate being
alone.  Where is my pillar?

Anyway.  So Mom and Ron finally decided that they would come to graduation
for me.  Daddy can't come anymore because of his new complications.  Broken hip
and blood infections make it hard for him to travel and be healthy.  Of course I
had to cry and throw a fit to get Mom to realize how important this was to me. 
Of course that just made me feel like a child again.  I'm so sick of being
selfless all the time.  People need to suck it up for me once in a while too you
know. 

You want to know something awful?  Sometimes I just wish that things with my
dad were over.  That the cancer would just all of a sudden take him away and
this whole thing would be over, and I could mourn and lose my mind like I know I
will.  But at least I wouldn't be waiting like this... knowing... knowing that
it will be the end of him.  Watching one thing after another go wrong. 
Wondering if he ever feels the same way.  If he wishes he didn't have to
struggle with all the complications and everything else that goes shitty for
us.  Isn't that awful?  That I could wish something like that? 

I miss Brian.  God I wish he was still alive.  Even after all these years
now.  Haven't I been through enough?  I'm not strong enough for this bullshit
anymore.  And the one person I needed to be there for me just up and threw in
the towel.  Where do all the people go when they abandon you? 

Tonight is pity-party night in case you hadn't noticed. 

Oh well.  I know that as soon as I stop crying I will feel better.  I'll
brush my teeth and get ready for bed.  I'll take a Melatonin pill and read until
my eyes fall shut and there is no time to think about anything before I slip
into sleep.  Maybe I'll dream about WoW.  I know I play too much of it, but it's
the only thing that holds my interest... or maybe it's just the only place where
I can escape completely and be both myself and someone completely different. 
Better to escape that way than become an alcoholic or a drug addict. 

Like the new profile background?  It's pretty.  And you gotta love Ben Lee. 
Put it All on the Line for Love... well, I did.  And here I am.  Oh well. 

I'll get better.  It'll just take a while. 

I'm getting really sick of being busy all the time. I want my free time back! >_< This past week has been busy. I was in a weird mood for the first part of it and ended up skipping some of my classes. I'm just so apathetic about this last semester. I realized today that I'm homesick. I want to curl up on the couch and watch TV with Mom and Ron and have people around. I'm so bored and kinda lonely tonight.

Crystal and I have our radio show later tonight. Next weekend is our chorus performance. That means dress rehersal on Saturday and the performance on Sunday. Then the following weekend is the start of Spring Break. I can't believe how fast this year is coming to a close... Anyway I'm going to my Aunt's in Arizona again. Crystal and I had thought about maybe going to Europe since we have friends staying in London this semester, but neither of us have the money. I need to save up for getting my car home after school. (BTW is anyone wants to road trip to Washington in May with me, let me know!) Anyway it will be nice to hang out by the pool and do a whole lot of not that much at my aunt's. Maybe I can finish up my resumes and start job hunting.

I found out that my dad broke his hip on Tuesday night. I feel so awful for him. Our family really just can't get a break. He was trying to get into one of those dumb, narrow stools that Bernadette has at the breakfast bar and he fell and broke his hip. Poor Daddy. ;_; So now he really can't walk. First the cancer and his leg and now this. *sigh*

Went to Syracuse on Thursday with Crystal, Dana, and Darcy. Ran errands and went to China Road. Good stuff, that. It's Dana's b-day tomorrow, so we went and had cake today at their house. That was fun. Watched some "Arrested Development". I laughed. It was good.

That's about it for now.

Ugh… hangover city, baby.

So yeah, Mike and Jon both came up from the city this weekend. Last night we went to dinner at Beal’s and then bought alcohol. We then commenced to play Asshole with Starr and then Kyle and Ethan (they live across the hallway). Turns out they were throwing a party later. Anyway so after a lot of Asshole and lot of alcohol Mike, Starr, Jon, Anne (who was sober of course), and I stumbled our way to CAH to watch Crystal perform in the One Night Stands. It was pretty funny. In the end we ended up at Ethan and Kyle’s party and I got SO trashed. I ended up cuddling with Ethan on his bed for no apparent reason while we listened to Mike babble inanely about whatever it is Mike babbles about. I did get to know quite a few new people. This guy Eric who is also in chorus and this cute little Freshman boy named Bryan. AND I got to play Beirut for the first time ever. I sucked at it and that’s what ultimately got me so wasted. Anyway it’s a good thing I just live across the hallway, because I was able to stumble home and fall into bed. Then at 8 this morning I woke up and had to barf. It was awesome…-_-… no not really. I’m pretty hung over at the moment. Crystal, Mike, Jon, and I spent the early afternoon playing old-school Bubble Bobble and I made breakfast somehow. Now I have to recuperate so that we can go out again tonight. Oh blarg.

Oh it’s been a blast, I won’t deny that. I just wish I didn’t have to pay for it.

So I just finished reading “Chyuumon no Ooi Ryouriten” (The Restaurant of Many Orders), in Japanese. It was strange to say the least, but what else should I expect from a 1920s Japanese horror story? It was about two hunters from the big city who go hunting in the woods. Their guide disappears, their dogs fall over foaming at the mouth, and they decide to go back and find this restaurant in the middle of nowhere called: Yama-neko Ken (Wildcat House). So they go inside and as they do so they find all these doors they have to pass through and each door has a sign on it with an order (hence The Restaurant of Many Orders… so clever). The first is like “fix your hair and take the mud off your shoes here” the next is like “leave your guns and bullets here” the next is like “leave your overcoat and shoes and hat here”… it goes on and on until they start saying things like “spread this milk-based cream all over your body” and “rub this salt onto your skin.” In the end it turns out that the “Wildcat House” is really owned by wildcats who want to eat these guys and just as they think there is no escape their dogs and their guide come back out of nowhere and save them. They go back to Tokyo and all is well with the world. Now I just have to write that summary in Japanese and I’ll be all set. I skipped Astronomy for this?!

"Chuck Norris' sperm are approximately the size of a regular red salmon. So when Chuck's sperm matures, they travel up a river in which then they are caught and eaten by thirsty Japanese girls." 

LMFAO  So wrong and yet I laugh so hard.  All praise the Chuck Norris Random Fact Generator.  Go google it and enjoy the hilarity. 

SO.  I'm feeling better.  At least I am at the moment and have been for the past couple days.  Actually I was feeling wonky when I got up this morning, but I think that is due to the weird dreams I've been having.  Last night I dreamt that I fell in love with an old friend of mine and we hooked up, but that they were leaving and we couldn't be together.  So I woke up feeling lonely.  But the night before that I had a super intense weird dream in which I met Billy Joe, the lead singer from Greenday.  It was at some conference and he was SUPER short, but intensely wise.  We had a photo op and I wrapped my arms around him and he was so short I could rest my cheek on the top of his head.  Then the dream turned into this weird B movie from the 80s in which me (except that it wasn't really me cause it was a dream and it was someone else with big blonde 80s hair, but it was still me somehow) and Monee, my freshman year room mate, went off somewhere on this train into the boonies and were staying at this house and my dad was there.  Then I had a boyfriend who Mo subsequently slept with and then it turned out he was a cereal killer and we tried to run away from him on the train, but he was there.  So then we flagged down this semi and were going to escape with him only my dad and Billy Joe were still being held hostage by the serial killer, so at the last I (in all my blonde 80s wonder) said, "I'm going back.  He's going to get us one day.  I'll face him now and take my chances."  So I jumped off the back of the semi into the road and the credits started to role while music befitting the end of Mad Max: Escape from Thunderdome began to play. 

In other news I ran into Case yesterday.  He's really changed for the better from those days when we were pseudo dating.  Still has those strange teeth, but his personality sure has mellowed.  And then Rainbow was fun tonight.  There was this cute girl there who only has been to one other meeting I think.  Her name is Audriana or something like that.  To femmy for me really and she's only a sophomore, but she's still cute.  And after the meeting strangely enough Kellan and I hung out and talked about life and relationships, and he told me about what happened last semester and why he had to leave and how he got it back together and how he's doing.  It was nice to spend time with someone different that I haven't seen in a while.  He talks a lot which is comforting and amusing.  Hopefully we can hang out more in the near future. 

I have a neuro anatomy test tomorrow and I haven't studied.  So I have to get up early and do that.  Blarg.  AND Yo-sensei is evil enough to schedule a make-up class for Saturday morning at 9 AM.  Who the hell does that?! 

Tomorrow is Magda's b-day.  I hope I get the chance to talk with her for a while between all of my classes and shit tomorrow.  -__-  Class, choir, that LGBTQ function I have to go to.  When did my life become so full of shit to do?!  Oh and I started to go Tai Chi today.  It's very interesting and kinda hard.  My ankles are really weak and so they hurt a lot.  But I will become stronger!!  RAWR!!  *cough*  Or just get through the next 5 session for PE credit so I can graduate and get a real life.  Ew. 

Time now for bed and bit of Memoirs of a Geisha (so pleasantly surprised with how much I love it)!

So I got in touch with Madga again today. It's weird, but whenever things get wonky there she is. Which is strange because all of the wonkyness in my life started with Magda.  Now I am seriously considdering going to spend spring break in London with her. May do me more good than holing up in Arizona with my aunt and uncle.   I can spend the money I was GOING to spend flying to Florida with Beth for that wedding.  *sigh* 

This weekend promises to be interesting.  Mike and Jon are both planning on driving up from the city to visit all of us poor kids who are still stuck in this middle of nowhere hell hole. Oh wait... I mean... I love Colgate.  But I am way excited to see both of them.  They should get my mind off of all things drama and bring me back down to earth.  How I miss my boys. They are my therapists.  Speaking of which my therapist needs to e-mail me so that we can make an appointment.  I need her!! 

Oh yeah and then there is Chinese New Year at Crystal's!  Yay!!  I can't wait to eat lots of good Chinese food before I throw myself back into my diet of doom.  But the diet will give me something to focus on and keep me busy as well.  Oh and I joined University Chorus today.  Go me and my angelic voice.  La la la!  Need to turn in that radio show application, too.  Oh life, you are full of things to do.
 

I just don't get it.  I don't understand why the world has to suck so much sometimes.  I don't understand Beth or her "needs" or her lack of ability to truly want something enough to work for it. I guess I just don't see how being alone to work on your issues is better than being with someone who loves you and puts up with your shit while you work on your issues.  So here I am post break-up wondering why I put up with her shit for so long in the first place and cursing myself for thinking that people grow and change and actually want to better themselves for the ones they love (or claim to love). Am I wrong to think that when you love someone you should WANT to give to them and fulfill their needs?  A year and a half...

But at the same time I know that this is for the best.  As wonderful and comforting as it was to have Beth in my life as my girlfriend the whole long distance thing was just too much.  For both of us.  I realize now that I was expending so much energy on keeping "us" above water and striving for the future that my present got totally lost and I blocked out my friends.  I need this time to focus on the end of school and my life after Colgate and all the stuff going on at home. 

I truly love Beth.  Don't ask me why after all that she's put me through, but there you have it.  I hope that we stay close and that one day after we both get all of our shit straight and we live in the same area things will work out for us.  Can I bank on it?  No.  I know that much.  But being the best lover someone has ever had has to count for something, right?! Hehe.  Oh well... you know what they say: "If you love something set it free..."

And now I am hungry.  Silly tummy.  What are you complaining about?  I fed you microwaved hot dogs earlier.  Hush now. 

Maybe it's time for bed.  At least I haven't cried in a couple days.  That's doing really well for me.

Okay, so... life since my last breakdown. Luckily I haven't had one since then. At least not any major ones. However my best-friend Evangelyn's mom did pass away. She had been battling leukemia for several years. Coping has been difficult, because I all too closely feel the impending cancer-induced doom of my own father. So I've been dealing with that. But on the up side I am going to go to Washington where both she and Beth are for Thanksgiving. Evan and I are actually going to have Thanksgiving with Beth's family at their house in Puyallup, which should be... interesting. Beth just told her mom that we are together a couple of days ago. So I'm kind of nervous, seeing as up until now I've been "that nice girl who is such good friends with Beth" and now I am "that girl that Beth has secretly been dating for a year and a half." At least they already knew she was a lesbian or else that would have been REALLY awkward. We won't get into my family and the whole girlfriend issue, because right now we are all still pretending it doesn't exist. Yay for DENIAL.

So, I finally started siging onto AIM again only to discover that nobody is ever online. I have this feeling that actually they're all just sitting there invisible not wanting to talk to me. Or like some people (*coughhackMagda*) have changed their screennames without telling me. If it wasn't for facebook I'd never get told anything! Rawr.

Okay, so good things in my life. Beth came to visit me! Yay! Okay so it was like two weeks ago and we spent the entire time either screwing or watching TV, but it was still a blast. I didn't get any work done for an entire week and then had to do it all in the afternoon between when her plane left and I had to go to bed and go to classes the next day. It was awesome! No, really. But of course now I miss her that much more and am even more convinced that LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS SUCK!! Harumph. At least I have Thanksgiving to look forward to. Dan, a friend of mine who graduated last year, was here this weekend and I spent all of yesterday tabletop-gaming like a fiend, because I'm a big fat geek and I love it! Jon is coming NEXT weekend, so I am way excited for that. Only now I have to tell my mom that I can't spend the weekend in Rochester, because Jon is coming. But we can still go shopping at the outlet mall on I-90 on Friday.

I get to start running experiments this week for my psych seminar research-thingy. Oh joy. Hours on end stuck in a little room with people struggling to name pictures in multiple languages. And if Kristin, my sorority girl research partner, is there all the better! -_- She's useful, but SO annoying.

So I guess that life at the moment is good. Except for missing my girlfriend and not getting laid. School goes well, I started taking walks to make myself feel better, and I'm learning to cook. Can't complain too much really, which for all of those who know me is really saying something.

^___^

PS. Those of you who are evil and have changed you screennames and or e-mail addresses without telling me, remedy this immediatly! (Did I spell that correctly?? Oh well XP.)

So yeah, I pretty much fell off the face of the planet over the past couple months or so. I am aware of this. I haven't been on AIM for probably almost two months... at least not doing anything that wasn't related to school work. But things just got too hectic. I had papers and projects coming out of my ears. And then at the end of the semester I had getting back to Juneau to think about and being with Beth to think about. And then Beth and I broke up... for two weeks. That was probably the most aweful two weeks of my life... well except for when Brian died, that was worse. But yeah, check this. So after I get back to west coast and Beth picks me up at the Seattle airport things are kinda weird. Well they were really weird, but that's to be expected. We haven't been together for a really long time and we're now staring at three and a half months of togetherness. There's a lot of adjustment to be done. Well... it just got weirder and we ended up having several of THOSE talks and there was a lot of crying and in the end there was breaking up. So there we are facing a five day long road trip through Canada together in her truck and me not able to stop crying and Beth begging me not to completely leave her life forever and hate her and to try and be friends again. -____- I'm not going to go into details on the road trip. Spend five days in a confined space with the person who just broke your heart and you'll know what it was like. So once we finally got back to Juneau we pretty much gave each other a wide berth, and I'm bitching the whole time to Shyann who is also Beth's roommate and friend. Anyway in the long run one night when we went out with friends Beth got me alone and confessed that being in Juneau with me was rekindling her feelings and she wanted to give being together for the summer another shot. No promises about what happens later, but I'm not looking for that anymore. So we're together again... sorta... in a tentative hanging out and watching a lot of movies together kind of way. I dunno... I know that I deserve way better and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I feel guilty when I'm with her sometimes and I feel like I can't trust what she says about her feelings or what she wants. She changes too much all the time. Anyway so guess I'm taking her and our relationship with a big grain of salt. I don't want to get too close to her again. *sigh*

So then there are my parents. Mom's chemo knocks her out for about a week every time she has it. Today is a bad day. Poor mom. Dad just went back down to Seattle and had some more MRI scans. The news is good, for once. No new growths and what was there looks smaller according to the doctors so that's a big relief.

In other news I am training to get my Commercial Driver's Lisence. Actually I go in for my DMV test today. After I get it I will be a Driver/Guide for Gray Line of Alaska and drive old tourists around on motor coaches. WHOO HOO!! Hopefully I'll make some money, cause I am SO poor right now.

Anyway I'm outy. That's my life right now. It's been hectic to say the least. Dunno if or when I'll be around online in the future what with work and estranged girlfriend issues. Oh well. TTFN

So here I am sitting in the radio studio on Spring Party Weekend 2005 listening to Morning Musume and feeling like I should be doing work. Even wanting to do work. What's that about?!

So I haven't been around on AOL or posted here for like... forever. In short the time that Beth was here was incredible. It was so so SO amazing to be with her. Just to wake up and have her there next to me and to snuggle up with her for a three hour nap after classes was bliss. We went to the city together, which was a lot of fun. We managed not to get shot or lost or anything like that and we smoked out in Central Park XD. She's such a bad influence on me LOL. And we had that really long "talk" that we've been needing to have for a long time. There were a LOT of tears and some serious angst thrown back and forth. But in the end it turned out all for the best. We get so few chances to communicate about serious stuff. Anyway only this summer and time will tell where Beth and I are headed. But the other night she called me when she got off work at one thirty AM (my time) and she said, "I know you are sleeping right now but I just have one thing I need to say and then you can go back to sleep." I grunted here. "I just need you to know that ever since I came to see you I have fallen so much harder for you. I loved you before but I love you so much right now, I don't know what to do." I almost cried. That was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me. *sigh* I miss her...

Anyway. Other than that I've been doing almost nothing but work. I got one of my papers out of the way, but I still have three to go. Soon... sooooon I will be free of this BS. So yeah, that's why I'm never around anywhere. Too much work and angst. LOL The story of my life. Have a great rest of whatever everyone.

I am so antsy. I couldn't sleep last night and class is just like blarg. Anyway, it's good to be back at C-gate. Gotta love the C-gate. Starr and I had quite an adventure coming back from the airport last night. It was like pea soup outside. We seriously couldn't see jack. Somehow we made it back alive. I love Starr. He's such a good friend.

Arizona was awesomeness. I had a really good time with my aunt and uncle. I even came out to them on their anniversary. They were so cool about it. My aunt was just like, "Well, whatever makes you happy, sweety. Just remember to keep an open mind, because you are young and you may discover that this isn't what you want." And my uncle was just like, "I've suspected as much for years." Guess his gaydar is tehsweet since his brother is gay and all that. So why can't my mom be all awesome like my aunt? Yeah, Aunt Barbara was like, "Don't tell you mom yet... and for good measure don't tell you father either." XD It's good to know I have at least two allies in my family now. I was kinda worried about how they would take it.

On the poopier side of my life. Cancer strikes again! Yep, my mom has breast cancer. Well she did until she had the lumpectamy. No one told me until it was all over. Everything is fine, but I mean Jesus Christ!! What more can happen to us? So now both she and my dad are going through chemo. Mom will lose all of her hair and has two wigs now. I have to work on bonding with her. I need to be there for her. Argh. I'm stretched to the limit with all this emotional shit. I've got Dad, Mom, Beth... and whatever other latent baggage just hanging around. I need a vacation from my life! LOL

Beth gets here tonight!! I'm so excited. I can't wait just to give her a big fat hug. ^______^ Sweetness.

What's up with me and the word "sweet"?

Oh and I told my mom about the road trip with Beth in May. I figured that after she told me about the breast cancer was a good time because it's like, "What? You have breast cancer. Your news is way worse, so suck it up." LOL I think it'll be okay. We'll see if she starts getting snippy about it later.

Well, class is soon, so I'm outy. Later all y'all.

Well I leave for Arizona today. Alright! A whole week of research in the sun. Yes, that's right, I will be spending my spring break doing research for my four papers. At least I'll have a pool and some sunshine to make it at least -seem- worthwhile. If my laptop manages to recognize my aunt and uncles wireless connection then I may be online a bit, and if not then I probalby won't. I wrestled with it for like two days last year and I don't even know why it eventually started working. I'm sad that Evangelyn won't be there. I haven't seen her in a whole year ;___;. That is much too long not to see your best friend. Oh well. And I can't wait til I get back!! Mah shweety's gonna be here XD!!!

Okay. I'm leaving soon and I gotta finish packing. Later, all.

Well don't I just love Sundays? Oh yes, yes I do. I spent most of my Sunday consolidating all of my notes for my Psychotherapy and Behavior Change midterm on Tuesday. I summarized all the main points in all the journal articles for all the sections and everything! My life is so awesome!! I ended up with 12 pages of typed notes. Oh well, at least I have something to cram off of now. -__- I also realized that while I doing that and my Japanese homework in all of my business over the past week I'd completely forgotten to read the book due tomorrow for Japan Through Film and Literature class!! XD I know one class that's getting skipped! Too bad it's Becca's presentation tomorrow, too. Oh well, she'll understand. So yeah, I've had no life lately. Trying to get all my references and preliminary info gathering done for my 4 research papers due by the end of the semester so that I can work on them over spring break has made me a duller and less likable person. Of course there's all the regular reading I've been doing and my new found resolve in dieting once again!! All of this has added up to a very tired and peevish me when I'm not doing work (well I'm tired and peevish then as well, but you know what I mean). So yeah what little free time I've had I've devoted to "The Real Detectives" on Court TV for that one hour of happy justice bringing smackdown that I get once in a while. And the sad thing is that I'm not even half as bad off as my roommates. O.o Poor girls, I don't know why they haven't shot themselves yet. Cryst found out she has a paper due on Tuesday that she thought was due on Tursday and Anne is... well being Anne and stoic.

Thank god it is almost spring break. At least then I'll be doing work in warm, wonderful Arizona and getting tan in the process. And then... and THEN BETH IS COMING TO VISIT ME *joygasm*!!! I can't wait, I'm so excited!! *wriggles*

Oh, and I made dinner tonight. I fried up some cube steak in soy sauce (it was pretty good all things considered), and heated up left over brussel sprouts and made a salad. All of this while talking to Evangelyn. It was good to hear from her, we hadn't talked in a while. I'm super bummed she's not going to be able to see me in Arizona, but... eh such is life. ;__; Anyway now I am tired and headachey from all the close reading I've been doing.

Sorry I haven't been online to anyone who cares, but there is work to be done and then I become mush and then the computer is not my friend and vice versa. Hopefully after my midterms are over (Wednesday) I'll be around some more. Now it is sleepy time.