passed out at work today, then again in the public toilet next to work after nearly throwing up all over my coworker. Then another coworker drove me home.

working 10-11 consecutive hours in a rose-themed gift shop is MURDER on your legs. And the people that frequent these places are usually flowery (har) and not particularly nice to the workers. I got yelled at by some chain smoking whore from Seattle because she wanted THAT crepe flower, the not the STORE MODEL and how dare I presume that she would want something that UGLY (they looked exactly the same).

On the bright side, skoffs's NZ hometown was representin' in PDX today. I got major brownie points for identifying their nationalities and they spent about $300 on ugly Rose teapots. Woot.

So. I know you all want ugly rose covered postcards, yes?
Well for a limited time only (ie, between now and 18th of August) you can get one of your own with a lewd note written by yours truly on the back! Postage and the cards are practically free at work, and I get a kick out of writing letters. So leave your address in the comments section and you'll get your own hideous postcard of Portland! For everyone's security I will be screening comments. I expect all of you are jumping for joy at the promise of ugly postcards. Get on it, people.

back in the United States now. In a dark mood. spent an age on the plane crying and then I went to sleep until we touched down. Was seated between two italian fuckwhits that tried repeatedly to get me to move for no particular reason other tt\han to wake me and an irritating narcissistic fellow who was telling me about his exploits in Zanzibar.

Am happy to be going home though. Work on Sat.

I'm going on lj hiatus for a while although I suspect none of you will give a rat's ass anyways. those off you that DO care probably already have my offline information..

ciao darlings

Twice in two days? I know that this new comment is from a different person, but Jeez. Get a clue people. I'm not personally attacking your beliefs by talking about MUN or the UN or Kofi. In fact, it's your own damn fault if you're reading my blog. If you hate me this much, please just tell me TO MY FACE and then stop reading my personal thoughts. I had a disclaimer in my info for a while saying that it was at your own risk that you were reading my entries. If you don't agree with me, you're entitled to your own damn opinion but don't go around blasting mine.

to give you a taste of your own medicine:
Hello Douchebags one and all:
your neoconservatism is far fetched from it's origins with Leo Strauss. Fiscal conservatism and global conservatism are two different and separate entities and aren't both intrinsicly related to the Republican party. Only the former is. Neoconservatism on an international level is to believe in only interfering when it personally relates to YOUR COUNTRY and only when there is concrete evidence and reasonable support from the international community. That being said, our president didn't follow those GOLDEN RULES WHEN PREEMPITVELY INVADING IRAQ ON FALSE PRETENSES.

So here's what I'm going to do. You're off my friends list until I recieve a personal, face-to-face apology. Telling me to "get a clue" isn't warranted. My personal opinions, that you read here, are mine to keep. Telling me I'm an ignorant bitch in unacceptable. I was raised to have a firm conviction and to believe in what is right and wrong on the basis of careful research and thought. I didn't just wake up one morning and go "I think I'll be a democrat today." I've but a lot of time and passion into my persuit of international relations and your petty comments are not going to stop me from believing what I do. Because your arguments are set up on baseless facts whereas mine are pretty firmly set up using Aristotelian topoi.

I didn't want to go ninja on anyone (because I'm a pacifist), but I do believe that when my honor is being judged falsely that I need to speak up and say something. So listen up. I gave you a warning, I wrote a nice letter acknowledging your opinions and telling you mine (my real opinions, not the ones you assumed), and now I'm really mad. This shit has hit the proverbial fan, and unless you agree to say you're sorry for what you said I'm not going to invest any more time into our friendship.

To quote Dag Hammarskjold, my personal hero:
"Why should I be ashamed? I have done nothing to be ashamed of"

Well. This was a long time coming, but I've decided to make my journal friends only again. Just because I talk about things I'd rather not have random people staring at. I'm also going to reshuffle my friends list around, so if you suddenly find yourself booted or really, truly want to read this, leave a comment on this post and I'll fix it.



Man, looking at this photo reminds me that my little sister is HOT.

y'all WORE me out yesterday! I went home and collapsed for a couple of hours and went to bed at an ungodly early hour. My conclusion? School sux. Other Conclusion? Y'all rock. Especially austinmgross's theory of Gravity's Rainbow. I went back and reread some passages and you're TOTALLY RIGHT.

II. Lest ye forget to take your prozac, don't eat anything, for it will come back up the way it came thricefold.
Plain English: you'll be jackknifed around the freakin' toilet. Don't let it happen to you!

III. Should you need sleep by means of medication, don't chase the pill with three shots of espresso.
Plain English: never. EVER. Take three shots of espresso with a sleeping pill. Bad things happen.

according to my mum, my anxiety attacks are now fears of having anxiety attacks. It feels as though I'm stuck in a Thomas Pynchon novel and there's no sex. or gratuitous violence.

I came home from school (actually, I had to be driven home), and laid on the floor with the phone screaming. Then I took a 2 hour nap which made me feel slightly refreshed, or at least capable of speaking at a normal decibel and not crying. I was then assigned to take my dog (the dog formerly known as Kinky) on a walk, and I took my Canon S60 with me and got some nice shots of the fall foliage in the neighborhood.

At the moment, it's just been very tough to act "normal" and get through the day without having a complete freak-out. I dropped out of being a MUN committee chair, as much as it pains me, and I also failed to go to English for the 2nd time in a row without an explanation with means I'm about .5 days away from getting a D or worse in English. I'm glad to be in weaving and to have a group of friends who can tell when I'm in crisis mode (<3s to neloangelio), but this has been very difficult. Somewhere along my descent into madness I stopped eating well so my lunch today was a MangoTango juice from Odwalla (the whole bottle! 2.5 servings!). I'm pretty sure the lack of eating is making the paranoia and anxiety worse, but it's just the way things are flowing right now.

I'm exhausted. I'm going to go take a nap.

My sisters gave me my birthday present this morning.

HOLY COMMONWEALTH OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE, BATMAN!

I got The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert Anniversary Edition, and Monty Python's Flying Circus Season II on DVD!

edit
The Irony being it's National Trafalgar Day in the United Kingdom of Britain, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland.

The day has gone by mostly with me in the bathroom puking up anything I eat and feeling v. tired and dizzy. To wit, I say:

FUCK YOU: GLAXOSMITHKLINE

come along everyone! If you can't be genetically German, at least you can pretend! Here's what my family did on Saturday (my birthday) to comemmorate our Germanness (what? that's not a word, well it is now Noah fucking Webster!) and have a rocking birthday dinner:


That's my older sister looking a bit odd, me in the middle with breasts the size of texas, and my younger sister on the right looking stoned. None of the above is in fact true. We just don't photograph very well.

The Berlin Inn is attached to Eidelweiss: the only decent store in Portland to buy German bread (bröt), Plum Jam (phlaumenmousse), and Rouladen (which roughly translates to: meat wrapped in bacon wrapped in meat with mustard. Broiled.)
If you've ever eaten German cuisine in Germany, this is BETTER THAN the real thing. Why? Because it's not all preserved in aspic, the most disgusting food bi-product ever invented. I, however, spent a great deal of time staring at the magnificent tablecloth:
. I also spent a lot of time wondering where the hell my dinner was. I dream of the food at this restaurant. It's the best damn stuff I've ever tasted.


OMG REAL FUCKING FONDUE! This was not invented by the Swedes. Fondue is German. Otherwise the Germans wouldn't do it.

Ok now, my meds require me to remain sober at all times, but they didn't say anything about KINDER BIER! Pretty much a malt beer minus the alcohol + a strange malty/rootbeer aftertaste. To be honest, they make it better in Germany, where Kinder Bier is comprised of light beer with a large dose of Lemonade. Ahhhhh, the joy of drunken 5 year-olds!

Ok folks, the real deal is the Swabian Spareribs. These things are the GREATEST thing in the world. They taste so unbelievably delicious, it makes my mouth water just looking at the photo I took of my dinner. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My parents and I have agreed that if I keep trying to just work on getting rid of the anxiety that I won't see the benefits of getting this resolved. So, we've attached a "small" prize to getting rid of the anxiety.

If I can get rid of the anxiety and get my attacks under control, my parents will pay for me to go to the Al Akhawayn University ARANAS Institute for a month this summer. The University is in Ifrane, in the foothills of the Atlas Mountains in Morocco. Basically, it's an intensive arabic language program that I've been dying to go to. So. I'm GOING to get this under control. I'm GOING to go to Morocco.

.bitches.

My meds are not being nice to me today.

xa84's cat Fiona was attacked by another cat today, and now she has an infected leg.

I'm scared. And I'm sad. xa84's last cat was badly attacked (we assume it was a raccoon) and she never really recovered. This makes me so scared.

In the picture, however, she's taking a nap on a map of Italy, and she's looking at Tuscany. Ironically, where her owner (not me!) went this last summer.

Xa's HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME!

First of all, Thank you to my Tante, Salom, Melia, Brian Lee, Nora, Megan [et al], Max, Laura, my LJ buddies and my swimming pals for making this the best Birthday I've ever had. Screw voting rights and cigarettes! You guys are the best.

Firstly, Thanks to my Secret Pal For an amazing package: 2 skeins of dark brown 100% wool, and 2 skeins 100% merino. I spent a great deal of time just gaping at the package. Best. Yarn. EVER.

I also went to the Kinokuniya and bought myself a book on making handbags. The diagrams in the back assure me that, though I know absolutely NO Jaspanese, I can still make these babies:

Here are my favorites:

After that, my parents took me downtown (here I thought that the ipod they got me in August was the 18th birthday gift!), and they took me to Real Mother Goose and let me pick out new earrings. I got some blueresin-set sterling silver earrings with a nice swirl design on them that came with a necklace. I tried to take a photo of them, but they all came out blurry so I decided to just tell you about them. No opals this year (that's my birthstone), but I think they're gorgeous.

Whilst downtown, we made stop in the new Yarn Store Knit Purl so I could buy a gift for my Secret Pal (the one I'm gifting, although, once this is over, dearest "Diane," you're going to get a nice thank you package!), and after I picked out some yarn for my giftee, I also got myself this:
Blue Moon Merino Sock Yarn! I'm in Heaven! That YS is the greatest. I almost died in there.

After that, we went to the Aeroport to pick up my older sister, who, headache and fatigued, looked a bit under the weather. Otherwise I'd show you a nice photo of her. At the present, you can imagine a darker-haired version of my younger sister.

Upon returning home, I opened my gifts from my Aunt and Uncle in CA (<3!) and my Aunt in Germany (<3!)
From my American relatives: !!!!!!!!!!
I swear to God, I've nearly bought myself these over the last 6 six months but resisted the temptation every damn time. This, I believe, is thanks to my Aunt reading my blog. Yes, this over-the-top insan-o blog. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

My Tante (German for Aunt, fools), gave me a nice little gold ring, which sadly, doesn't photograph well (like the earrings and the necklace), so you will have to pretend you know what I'm talking about. Yet, in her card she writes:
Leibe Renata, I chose this card because I see you this way: a person standing in our world making it a good place to be. My wishes for you: a satisfying last year of school, health, happiness, a wise choice for college, good friends and double of that you wish for yourself. I hope we meet again in 2006. Keep interested in Politics and sports! -Renate

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I'm so hopped up on happiness that the fatigue from the Xanax isn't really taking much of a toll.

Thank you again to everyone and all for giving me such a great day and making my week so much better! Peace and blessings to you all!

elsaphant(pictured): Hey you mofo! Guess what happens in 2 hours? You were born 18 years ago! Everybody knows I'm the prettiest (I mean, here's my catalogue shot from the Victoria's Secret 2004 Bra-Cook collection), but YOU're my older sister, and I love you for that.

----
Ok, I made up that shit my sister just said, but it's my B-day, dammit, and I'm happeee! The only present I've opened thus far is from my Secret Pal. My God, it's the nicest yarn I've EVER seen! Once I've opened everything there will be photos and tears and some thank yous to distribute. But at the moment, I'm off to do something jovial.

In 15 hours I'm 18. That's me in the photo with my gorgeous younger sister, elsaphant. If we had more angular faces and were totaly freaks, you might think we were the Oleson twins. No, we're Germanic. That means's we're hotter.

Today I went to the Kinokuniya and bought a really awesome book on making handbags. Well, that and something phallic for Ben/Melia.