IMPORTANT: Since this was last updated I have integrated with my alters. Though from time to time we do split apart and then reintegrate, like puzzle pieces trying to find the right fit.

The following explains what I mean by "alters" more clearly...

Combining two of my journals is something I’ve wanted to do for quite a while now. Some of you may remember I had mentioned this a long time ago. Except, instead of writing in this journal about my multiplicity (see below for an explanation of what that is) and some mental health issues I have been trying to work through, I didn’t write at all. Mostly because I was *gasp* afraid of what some here would think or say. Hey, it’s a sensitive issue! Lol

Well, I decided that this time I’m going to really do it. But first I should explain what multiplicity is and what to expect with my posts on that and some other things I’ve been writing in weare. So, I wrote a sort of FAQ.

What do you mean by “multiplicity”?

Well, to put it simply I have multiple personalities. I was officially diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder (DID) last year (2004), but I’ve known for at least two years (2003). I am mostly co-conscious with my others (those inside of me). We are a functioning system which means that we are able to care for ourselves and those who depend on us. We’re learning to work together as a group.

How did you learn you were like this? Did you always know?

As I said, I’ve only known for a little over 2 years. I had previously been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. One night I decided to do some research on BPD to see if there was anything about it which causes memory problems. What I found was a site on DID and how many DID’s are mis-diagnosed as borderlines and how DID can cause problems with memory (dissociative amnesia is the technical term for it I think). Before then I had no clue and neither did the others. I told Frankie about it and he laughed and said, “Jess, I already knew this about you.” Turns out he figured it out 5 years prior but assumed I knew and so he never said anything.

What are these memory problems you have? What does “co-conscious” mean? What is “losing time”?

Well, because I’m not always the one whose actually experiencing an event my memory of the event can sometimes be a little skewed. I might remember only bits and pieces of what happened and what I do remember might not always be correct (for instance I swear that all throughout childhood I had short boy-ish hair when in fact it was long girly hair). Usually I’m co-conscious enough that this doesn’t happen. But, we’re not 100% there yet.

Co-consciousness is basically where we are all aware of what we are doing when we’re not ourselves. So, when someone else is out I’m fully aware and remember everything that happened. Usually we’re there, but not always.

Losing time is basically another term for dissociative amnesia. The best way I can describe it is like a badly spliced film. One minute I’ll be doing one thing and in a split second I’ll be doing something else. Minutes or hours could’ve gone by (and once I lost a whole day) but for me it was as if that time never existed. For years I thought I was just really forgetful and ditzy. It’s what caused me to start researching in the first place. Frankie had been pressuring for me to see a doctor about my memory so first I researched it and voila!

So how many of you are there?”

There are 15 that I know of, and I suspect there are a few more. I’ll post a sort of “intro” to them below if there’s room. Here's a picture of my system that I drew out to show how everyone is related... http://img467.imageshack.us/img467/1259/systemmap3cn.jpg

How should I act around your alters?

Treat them just as you would me. They don’t usually announce themselves when they take over. Chances are you’ve already met and you didn’t know it. You might have noticed that there was something different about me or that I behaved unlike myself or you might not have noticed much of anything.

Will your alters write in here too?

Probably not. Some of them don’t see the point in writing in journals. Some of them can’t write. And some of them have their own journals. Those who do want to write and don’t have/want their own journal will probably do so in weare since that’s what it was originally created for anyway.

So do you hear voices? Are you crazy?

Yes, I do hear voices as well as other things (laughter, crying, etc. Usually it's like the din in a restaurant). I also will on occasion see things (balls of light, movement in solid objects, walls "breathing", etc) and feel things that aren’t there (being touched, bugs or spider webs on me, something inside my butt or vagina, etc).

No, I am not crazy. Well, not in the sense of being insane anyways. As I said above, we are a functioning system. We work together for the most part.

EDIT: I'm on medications to keep me from hearing voices or seeing things...

What about Orion and Kieriana? Are they safe?

Yes, my children are safe. While some of my alters don’t really want to be a Mom they consider the children to be “body obligations” and care for them when they’re out. I haven’t told Orion that I’m a multiple yet and probably won’t until he is much older (same for Kieriana). Though, I suspect he knows because I’ve noticed that he acts differently towards each of my others.

What are "triggers"?

A trigger is something which can cause one of my others to come out. It can also cause me to remember something painful. Depends on the type of trigger. For instance, playing Bjork will usually trigger Uoko. If someone says or does something that Cara percieves to be a threat it'll trigger her. Painful memories will often trigger Jessica2. Something wrong with one of the kids will trigger me (hehe...just figured that out).

Just FYI. If I'm going to write about something painful I'll put it behind an lj cut with the word "trigger".

Isn't DID a result of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)? What happened to you?

Yes, DID is a form of PTSD. I only recently discovered that I was sexually abused as a young child (less than 3 years old). That is what caused me to initially split. Since then my alters have helped me to get passed many abusive and just plain difficult times.

I made a timeline of the events that happened. you can view it here

Do any of your alters hurt you?

Not any more. One of my alters used to cut on my arms and I now have scars from that. She thought that we were the perpetrator, not the other way around. She has learned the truth and has stopped cutting.

What if I have more questions?

Post them below and I'll try to respond as best as I can.

So who all is in there?

Some of the info may be triggering to those who are sensitive as it describes (not in detail) why some of them are here. This list changes as I learn more.

Jessie/Jessica - age 28 - Well, this is me. : ) I'm basically the host personality (ie. the one who is out the most) and until we learned we were multiple I made all the important decisions about our life. Recently (1/16/06) I integrated "Jessie" and "Jessica" to make one personality which goes by both names as well as "Jess". lol Jessica experienced a molestation when we were 19 years old. She used to cut on our arms and legs while out however had stopped some time before the integration. Her journal was jesspain but it's no longer active.

Cara - age 16 - Cara is a teenager. She can sometimes come across as being a bit too aggressive but that comes from many years as acting as the system protector. The one who jumps in when there’s trouble and defends us when we can’t find a way to do it ourselves. However, if given the time to be herself she can be quite pleasant. She loves anthropology and would love to travel the world experiencing different cultures. She has her own journal that she made for herself and Sara (caransara). She was raped when we were 15.

Corina - Age Unknown - Corina is an odd one. While her name may be female (and we usually refer to her as one) she's actually neither male nor female. We used to refer to her as "The Numb One" because she has no feeling. Not emotions. Not sensations. No senses. She very rarely comes out except when a situation calls for it.

Joey - age 4-5 - Joey is one of our littles. Until recently no one knew his story and he didn't come out. He's come out for our therapist though. He will occasionally yell, “NO!” for no apparent reason. He stays huddled up most of the time. He was also abused by my father when I was 4. He fought back.

M--- - Adolescent - M--- came to us as a walk in a few years ago. Long before we knew we were multiple. She hasn’t come out since though many of us can still feel her presence. It’s because of that she is even listed here. No one knows her full name, we can only remember it started with an M. Perhaps some day she’ll once again feel safe enough to make herself known to the world.

The Mel Twins - age 40 - Seeming to be older than even our body, these African American twins are an interesting duo. Melissa is the psychologist of the group. She sort of appeared while Jessica was still a young child but unable to really cope with therapy. She often comes out to help give advice when a friend is in need of such, is a great ear to talk about your troubles to, and was the one who originally advised about this journal as a form of self therapy.
Melinda is the spiritual teacher in our little system. Her wisdom sometimes surprises even herself. She doesn’t come out often without her sister, but when she does you can bet she has a reason. Sometimes she and Melissa will come out together, finishing eachothers sentences and acting as one. Because of that they're rarely thought of as being apart and are often just refered to as "Mel" or "The Mel Twins"

Michael - Age 8 - Michael hadn’t been allowed out in a long while. However, he is no longer in confinement. He used to scare the rest of us. He had suffered a lot of pain when we were a child and is now learning to be compassion instead of anger.

Mielk (her name is longer but harder to pronounce so we just call her "Mielk") - Age Unknown - Mielk is so old none of us can even guess her age. She’s been attached to Jessie’s soul for many lifetimes now. Which tells us that we have probably been multiple since birth. However, it wasn’t until about two years ago that Mielk allowed her presence to be known. She isn’t human, which didn’t come as a surprise to us. She is a form of deamon (not to be confused with those of Hell or such nonsense). She is as far from harmful as she is from harmless (ie. she won't hurt you without a REALLY good reason). She seems to stand between our dimension and her own and very rarely comes out unless absolutely necessary (and someone is present who can understand what she’s trying to say).

Sarah - age 5 - Sarah is one of our littles. She very rarely comes out to play. She used to sit in the corner and cry. She seems to sometimes be very attached to Cara and until recently was thought to almost be a younger version of her. She experienced the molestation done to us by my father when I was 2. She is the first of the alters.

Shiela - age 16 - Shiela made herself known to us recently (June 2006). She was gang raped by my ex-boyfriend and his friends one night. She views pleasure as a horrible thing.

Steve - age 25 - Steve is the stand up comic of the group. He’s always ready with a witty joke and sometimes has a very sick sense of humor. Currently he never comes out as he still doesn’t feel comfortable being a man in a woman’s body. He would love to be a bartender. We haven't heard from him in a while.

Tanya - Age 12 - She's the sexy one. The one who used to do phone sex and stripped once to help us make some extra cash. She is the artist within us and does most of the artwork. She was molested by a teacher when I was in elementary school. She's 12 because that's the age what happened had occured, but she'll act sometimes much older.

Uoko - Age 13 - Uoko is one of the few within us who doesn’t identify as human. She is fae. Whether or not she originated in this body or is a walk-in remains as yet to be seen. She is very hyper and almost always happy. She has a kind of innocence to her that sometimes worries the rest of us. She loves music and to dance and is a major Star Trek fan. She was raped when we were 13 by a neighbor. She has a journal which she sometimes writes in... uokocleans

Yaro - age 21 - Yaro is a very athletic Japanese/American woman. She loves anything to do with physical exertion, sports, etc. She is also very big on health. Eating right, not smoking, not drinking (except in the occasional indulgence), no drugs, etc. She comes out every day to work out, usually doing yoga or martial arts. She also loves cars and anything mechanical. She's recently been out more and has started her own journal (yaro_una)

The Unknown - There are occasions when we find that we don’t know who is in control. These moments are often confusing though we are learning to deal with them. It is our belief that perhaps this is someone new who has yet to make themself/ves known to the rest of us. There is also the possibility that there are more which we are just unaware of, who never come forward but choose for their own reasons to remain in the back, out of sight. However, they too deserve a place here. As the Unknown

EDITED: 7/31/05 5:33 am, 9/30/05 8:54 am, 10/06/05 6:52 pm, 1/05/06 9:22 am, 1/12/06 10:44 am, 1/16/05 4:34 pm, 1/21/06 10:37 am, 6/03/06 11:27 am, 6/5/06 7:28 am, 11/09/06 12:34 pm