Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in alcohol_idenity's LiveJournal:

Monday, December 27th, 2004
10:18 am	Well, I made it through the Christmas season. Things should be getting back to normal now. People should soon go from rude irratating idiots to something that is half-decent again. Working retail during the Christmas season was no picnic. However, the new year comming up is making think about sobriety. I wonder if there is any way to have fun and be social without alcohol. Or I wonder why can't I be like normal people and drink every once in a while and have fun. Why does me being an alocholic suddenly make me a freak? Why does it mean I can't go out and have fun? It seems like everyone is out there drinking. There are no types of parties and celebrations that does not include alcohol. Does this make the whole country alcoholics? There is even mention of wine in the Bible. Does this make it okay to drink sometimes? I'm just really confused about this. Well, now I have more free-time to myself. It is time to focus on everything I've been neglecting since the day after Thanksgiving. It is time to clean house both litterally and figuratively. In some aspects it is also time to start wrapping some things up. Well, I don't work today. However I still need to go to the gym, becasue I went only once last week. Maybe that will get my mind off some things. Current Mood: drained (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 21st, 2004
11:15 am	Okay, this is going to be hard for me. I have to confess something. I cheated. I cheated last week. I feel ashamed. However, last night, I was surfing the web while cheating, and I came across a religious website. Then I really felt like shit. However, reading it, i realized there is still hope for me. I threw everything away. No more things around the house to tempt me with. No more! I'm sick of this bullshit. Luckily the person I live with doesn't know. No more of this. I need to have my mind free and clear. I superglued all the bottles together and then wrapped them in bags and threw them out in the dumpster outside. This is my only hope for a decent life. Whenever I did cheat, I kind of gave up. That is my problem. I screw up and then I think I'm not good enough for AA anymore. It makes me feel like if I admit I am weak, everyone will think I'm unworthy. I feel even God will think I'm unworthy. Sometimes I feel I have to be perfect in order to be loved. However, I am not going to give up. I refuse to give up. I am not going to let something this little have this much control. Current Mood: disappointed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 13th, 2004
10:32 am	4 weeks!!! Now, I am four weeks sober. Okay, the court case. The case got dissmissed. The arresting officer didn't show. The wittnesses didn't show. God works in weird wonderful ways. I have been working a lot lately and today is my day off. I went to a meeting last week. We all talked about God. I know God is there for me. Even through all my screw-ups. I learned more about God talking to the people in AA than I have reading the Bible and going to church. I am still a little worried that I'm not good enough. I try every day to be a better person. I know it is hard. I still keep my faith in God. I really don't know everything that is going to happen after I die. I am not even sure of all it takes to get to heaven. I know a lot of religions have different opinions on this. I just perfer to to read the Bible and draw up my own conclusions. I should be able to get my license back this week. I'm staying out of trouble. I should be getting some time off in January to where I can go to more meetings and do step work. I joined a a fittness club. I figured I should start doing something good for my body for once. I do need to lose 15 pounds. So, I'm keeping myself busy and out of trouble. Current Mood: grateful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
2:01 pm	21 Days Sober!!! Okay, all this entry is going to be is ranting and my random thoughts, so feel free to skip this one. Okay, I have court tomorrow. I am so scared. I am so scared I'll loose my license for another six months. I'm scared if I have to do too much community service and meeting I'll loose my job. I'm scared this will stay on my record forever. I'm just terrified. I know people say don't worry because worrying does nothing. I can't help it. I mean, it is so scary. I at least wished I knew what I was up against. I've now been sober for a very long 21 days. I know I have people who care about me. I know I do. I just feel unmotivated today. I hope I remember this the rest of my life, so I don't make the same mistake twice. I'm am eating something because I haven't eaten in 24 hours and I need to get some food in me for work. I better get motivated because I'm still in my PJ's. God, Please help a screw-up like me today. I need your guidance more than ever. God, I know I have been wrong. I am truly sorry. I am ready to get through this experience and hopefully learn from it. Please help me. Current Mood: worried Current Music: Unwell by Matchbox 20 (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 4th, 2004
1:00 pm	Last night's meeting. I went to a candle light last night. It was basically talking about you higher power. I'm still a little confused about the higher power. I mean, I've read the Bible backwards and forwards. Sometimes I wish I could see God. I wish I could hear God. I don't know, maybe somehow that would make things a lot easier. I've heard stories of how God changed people's lives. However, maybe my faith would be stronger if I knew for sure that God was there. I don't know how to explain it. I still feel completely alone at AA. Sometimes it seems like a little cliche and I'm just an outsider. I'm not really social. I am to shy just to go up to complete strangers. I realize sometimes the steps are not completely done in order. Talking to people about your alcohol problem, is step 5. I've been doing that since the begining. It took me 3 years to do step 1. Step 2 has always been in the back of my mind. And while I was drinking, I did step 4 and that's what made me stop. Really, the steps aren't done in any particular order. That was just something I thought of in response to the smart-ass coment I got on November 29th. I have plenty of people I can depend on. I mean, if I feel weak I can always call on my friends. I have people who listen to my assinine problems. I'm just trying to figure out this whole God issue. I pray, I read the Bible. It is just not clicking yet. I still feel not good enough. You know, how all the "religious" people are always so righteous. It is just a hard standard to live up to. Well, now I have to leave for work. Current Mood: cynical (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 3rd, 2004
1:23 pm	Friday!!!!!!!!! Well, I'll be writing less, because now I'll be working 6 days a week. It will keep me out of trouble and it is just for the rest of the month. My next day off I have to go to court. I've been a nervous wreck about it. The cravings keep eating at my mind. However, I haven't given in yet. I will go to AA tonight after work. I like to go to the candle lights on weekends. I am scared to death about court, and when I want to drink I'll remind myself that my drinking got me into this situation in the first place. People tell me not to worry. It is just a DUI. However, this trial will determine if I get my license back, (I haven't had it in 6 months now) or if I have to wait until June. It is hard for me to rely on God right now. I can't see God's face, and sometimes I wonder if he is there. I know other people's stories about how God worked on their heart and life and all that other stuff. I just have no clue on God's path for me. Well, I'll go to a meeting tonight. Sometimes I wonder how much they work. Every once in a while I'll hear a glimer of hope from them. I much perfer talking to my counsoler. But, I won't go again until next Friday. Current Mood: scared (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, November 29th, 2004
4:17 pm	Two Weeks!!! This may not sound like much of an accomplishment to most people. However, I have now been sober for two weeks!!! 14 days!!! This is the longest I've stayed sober in 3 years. I've been busy lately with work. Also, I've had to do Christmas shopping. I felt bad last night, almost like I wanted to give up. I went to the Westside Club and sat and had coffee. I go in at different times, so not very many people know me. The only person I really talk to is Tony Bob. I guess I need to be more outgoing. However Tony Bob said not to speak in the meetings until I have 60 days sobriety. I have used those meeting before to vent. If I'm not supposed to speak, then why go? I'd rather just hang out at the club and talk. I really do perfer one on one talking. Okay, I also wish they had more people there my age. I'll stop whining now. Its just hard sometimes to relate to someone over 30. What seems important to me seems trivial to them and vice versa. I got over my urge to drink, just by sitting there drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. Even though, I'm not really "social", I still consider it my "safe place." Feeling those heavy cravings just reminds me that I really do have a problem with drinking. That drinking really is poison. I really wish I could do more yesterday. However, I didn't wake up until noon. I had a good night last night. I stayed up until 3AM decorating the Christmas tree. What I really want for Christmas is one month sobriety. I'm trying to rely more on God. It is sometimes hard, you know, not listening to Him for so long. Every time I went to church everyone there seemed so perfect. I was just an evil sinner. I used to think no matter how hard I tried I'd just end up in Hell anyways. I just have to remember the ones Jesus hung out with. He didn't hang out with the "perfect" people. He hung out with the screw-ups like me. Current Mood: accomplished (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 25th, 2004
7:59 pm	Starting step 5, what am I getting myself into... Okay, I realize I don't have much time to do many things like step work, so I better do it on my days off. My next chance to write about it will be Sunday. Why do these steps get harder?? Okay, enough whining. I have to devote as much time staying sober as I did drinking. ONWARD!!! Why not simply say: "We admitted the exact nature of our wrongs"? We need to say what we did wrong. No, I can't blame this 100% on booze, because I got myself into the booze in the first place. Booze is not an excuse. I'm sick of people saying, "It was the alcohol." Who drank the alcohol in the first place? Okay, it is time for me to fess up. The nature of my wrongs is myself. Alcohol was just an excuse for me to do sinful things and write it off as just alcohol. Alcohol helped me do immoral things and just cut off my sense of carring about doing those wrong things. Why this emphasis on "Higher Power, ourselves, another human being"? The Higher Power is admitting to God my sins of alcohol and the things I did drunk. Admitting them says I know I was wrong and I can ask forgivness. I can also ask God to help me stay strong enough to stay away from the alcohol. I have to admit it to myself. I have to admit it, becuase it needs to stick in my head that the way I drank is wrong. I need to remind myself of all the sins and trouble alcohol caused. I can't no longer deny it to myself. Admitting it to another human being makes it more real. Just telling another person makes it stick in your head more. Also, letting another person know you are quitting makes you want to keep with it longer. - How do you feel about "the exact nature of our wrongs"? I'm not sure. I know the nature of my wrongs is sin and the my weakness. I had a weakness over alcohol I'm trying to overcome. I also have a weakness over sin. How do you plan to do this step? Well, I am having real problems finding a sponser. Actually finding someone I can trust. I trust few people. I plan on going to a Catholic priest during confessional times. A priest can never tell anyone and it will help get the feelings out. Current Mood: scared (Comment on this)
7:24 pm	Happy Thanksgiving Well, I have managed to stay sober for 10 days!!!! I'm still on step 4. I don't know how I'm going to do step five. I've been going to some AA meeting I try to go 3 or 4 times a week. However, I am having trouble finding a sponser. I just don't trust people that quickly. I figured I would do step 5 with a Catholic priest during confession. They can't tell anyone. I had one of the best Thanksgivings in Thanksgiving history. No fights. No put-downs. Just peace, quiet and a nice dinner. This is usually the 2nd worst day of the year for me. I usually end up drunk. Well, I'm winning this fight. Slowly but surely. Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 21st, 2004
11:56 pm	More step four work: Okay, I was surfing the web and found the website http://www.zoot2.com/justthefacts/alcohol/yourlife.asp. They had some good questions that can help me through step 4. I omitted the ones about drugs, because I never had a drug problem. Major Life Areas There are a number of areas of your life that could be, or have been, affected by your alcohol and other drug use. It is often helpful to look closely at these areas to determine what the consequences have been. This helps you to focus on what areas you really want to change and builds motivation to do it. Legal 1.) Have you ever participated in illegal activity while under the influences of alcohol or other drugs? i.e., theft, dealing, prostitution, pimping, B&E, assault, impaired driving? Yes, I used to drive drunk. 2.) Have you ever been charged with alcohol or other drug-related charges? Yes, I have been charged with a DUI. 3.)What effect did criminal charges have on your life? i.e., custody, restitution, fines? Well, I have to go to a court case on December 8th, because of it. Financial 1.)Have you spent money on alcohol and other drugs, that you wish you used for other things? Yes, I blew my whole vacation money I was going to spend this month, on alcohol and going to bars. 2.) Have you had to take care of court fees and fines? I will soon. 3.) Have you ever lost a job and pay because of using? No, but I saw it comming soon, as I was craving more and more at work. Family 1.) Do the people in your family trust you? Has this changed because of using? Not really. Well, not all my family members know of my drinking. But, the ones who do, really don't know my actions I will have after I drink. 2.) Are there arguments in your family because of your use? Yes. I have been constantly told to stop. I have been told that my drinking really hinders my life. 3.)Have you failed to keep promises and meet expectations because of using? Yes I have. There are so many times on a day off, I'd just sit around and get drunk all day. I'd get nothing done I was supposed to. 4.) Does your family avoid you when you use? Do you avoid them? Have there been incidents of violence in your family because of using? Not really. The person I live with has even gotten drunk with me and is even willing to stop drinking with me. There was screaming and yelling a lot of times when we was drunk. A lot of words that should have never been said. A lot of hurtful comments. Friends/Recreation 1.) Do most of your leisure activities involve alcohol or other drugs? They did. I used to go to Karaoke bars all the time and never wanted to go out unless I could get that drink. Now, I spend my time in AA or researching alcoholism. Anything to remind me not to drink and figure out how I can live a sober life. 2.) Have your friends suggested that you cut down? Many times, but I had to quit on my own. 3.) Have your friends been embarrassed by your behaviour? Yes, when I was drunk. I always acted like I was a slut or something and try to do sexy dancing on the dance floor. I'm even embarassed now thinking about it. 4.) Have you argued with your friends about your use? Yes. But, I had to see how bad I was getting by myself. 5.) Have you failed to keep promises? I have. I have even made promises drunk and forgotten about them. 6.) Do you trust your friends? Do they trust you? I really trust noone. I guess I've given people reason not to trust me. 7.) How often do you participate in non-using activities? I attend meetings whenever I can. It may not be daily because of my insane work schedule. However, I go as often as I can. 8.) Are you no longer interested in activities that you used to like? I was drinking for so long I have to figure out what activities I like. 9.) Have you lost friends because of using? Sadly, yes. I'm a bitch when I'm drunk and it makes people not to want to be around me. School/Job 1.)Have you been suspended or expelled because of using? No fortunatley. 2.) Have you lost a job because of using? No, by the grace of God. Physical Health 1.) Have you ever-experienced blackouts, hallucinations, shakes, seizures, OD'd, vomiting? Yes, I experienced it all the time while drunk. 2.) Have you been injured when using? i.e., accidents, fights? I have fallen down stairs. I have fallen and hit my head. I've even been in a fight. 3.) Has a doctor warned you to stop using? Don't go to a doctor. 4.) Have you had an illness that kept you home due to using? I've had major hangovers, yes. However I kept going to work feeling miserable. I was feeling miserable all the time. The only time I missed work was when I was withdrawing when I quit the first time. 5.) Have you ever experience "flashbacks"? What's a flashback? 6.) Have you injected drugs? I've never been stupid enough to inject alcohol. LOL Emotional/Spiritual Health 1.) Do you try to "make it through the day"? I try to go one day at a time now. I used to drink to make it through the day. Now I talk to fellow alcoholics or read. I try to remind myself how much better it is to be sober. 2.)Have you felt guilty or embarrassed about using? I still feel embarassed about being an alocholic. 3.) Are you depressed about your life? I was, but now I feel hope. I feel there really is a a God and he cares for me. 4.) Are you moody? Was, I guess at times I can still be a little bit. 5.) Do you hide how much you're using from family or friends? My parents never knew I drank. 6.) Do you feel that nothing has turned out right for you? I did, to the point I felt moving was going to be better. I realized I had to change me and that would be the best thing to do. 7.) Do you use to feel normal? No, I usually drank to be drunk and more social and what I thought was fun. 8.) Have you tried to hurt yourself? i.e., slashing, burns, skin carving, etc. I did when I was younger. However, that is a whole other topic. 9.) Do you feel less supported and a connected to others? I still feel at times I am all alone. I feel better. I know AA is like a family and all I have to do is ask for help and someone will be there. Bt noone can really really dig deep into my brain and help me. I have to do it on my own. 10.) Do you feel as if there is no purpose to your life. At times I did, and still do. I am still not sure of my purpose. Well, that is a whole lot of emotional vomit. Time for me to go to bed. I made it through day 7. Well, I have to be up early for work. Current Mood: emotional vomit (Comment on this)
10:44 pm	Moral Inventory Well, I almost completed my 7th day of sobriety. In one hour and 15 minutes I would have made it farther in sobriety than I had these past three years. I went to work again today. I don't feel like drinking when I'm at work. I guess I take work seriously that way. I went to two AA meetings Thursday and a candlelight on Friday. I enjoy candlelights because people seem more real there. I am still taking steps daily to help me on quitting alcohol. It has been a long 7 days. I went to a work party after work today. I felt like drinking, especially when Adona ordered an O'Doul. Well, it may be fake beer, but it still looked like beer and smelled like beer. It kept all I had to just sit there and enjoy my Coke. It was a pretty good dinner. I made it through it with no alcohol. Well, now time to do some step work. Its about step 4. I never have made it past step 2, so this is exciting and really scary. - Some people call this step "an enema for the soul". Does this metaphor help you? Well, to put it bluntly, you have to take out all the shit from your soul (i.e. sins) and actually examine it. I perfer to call it mental vomit. It means to just get it all out there. - What does "moral inventory" mean to you? I guess it means I actually have to examine my morals when it came to alcoholism. How did alcohol change me and my way of thinking? How did it change my moral code? - Why would you want to do a moral inventory? Or: Why wouldn't you want to? To be honest, I don't want to do it, but I know I have to. I'm kind of ashamed of what alcoholism turned me into. I know it is going to take more than one journal entry for this step. This is where the steps get hard, so bear with me. When I drank I commited many sins, the worst being adultrey. Before I drank, I was what you would call a prude. I was very modest. However, when those drinks went in me, I became like a slut. I started dressing slutty and going on the dance floor shaking my butt, just making a fool of myself. I found it a lot easier to have sex drunk. I don't even know how I can have sex sober. I always considered sex dirty. But, when I have a few drinks in me, I just act like I am a complete whore. I lost respect and friendships that way. I mean, in my working enviroment and all the other places I go sober, I'm treated with respect. But, with my double life with booze, I then become a complete whore. I feel upset about it and drank more. It was like a Jekle and Hyde thing going on. I lost femininity being drunk. I became mouthy and bitchy drunk. There were so many times I almost got into a fight drunk. In drinking, I lost myself. I lost my idenity of who I want to be and who I am. Drinking left me as nothing but a wasteland of a person. Drinking and working was like having two different personalities fighting each other until both are a wasteland. Well, that's all I want to write today. I will write more on this subject. Until then, I will go to more meetings I will continue working on it. I know I'm not finished with step four. I guess this is where comittiment comes into play. All I know is I'm not drinking today!!! Current Mood: good (Comment on this)
Friday, November 19th, 2004
3:32 pm	Higher Power Well, I went back to work yesterday. It was a long and tiring day, probably since I had a week and a half off. And my vacation was tiring. But, I won't get into that. I'm pretty much over Garry. Even though I know he is a blatant con artist, he had me under his spell. A part of me sometimes wishes he'd call and say he's changed his mind. But I'm glad he don't. I rode the bus again for the first time in two months. I didn't realize how isolated I was. I was happy that someone actually remembered who I was. It was a strange erie feeling like things can go back like nothing happened. But, its nice to be able to socialize again. I'm still confused of what is my major goal in life. I do want to be feminine. For some reason, a part of me turns it down. I know if I want to be right with God, I'm going to have to accept my place in life. I have to quit acting like a man. Now, I'm just rambling. Okay, time for the lesson: - Is it helpful for you to think of a Higher Power? Yes it is at times. I know God isn't happy with me right now. However, I know God can change me. Although, whenever I screw up, I feel as though God will hate me and sometimes I abandon hope. However, I know God has healed me before. I know if I ask He'll heal me again. - Why? What does "Higher Power" mean to you? I know God will be there for me. However, I know I have to try. I know there isn't no miracle quick fix to quitting alcohol. If there was, there would be no alcoholics. I've only been sober for 4 days now. However, I know I can't do this by myself. Humans by themselves are weak. I need something else to guide me. I really want to be in God's favor. I know I can't do it myself though. - Turning our wills and our lives over to our Higher Power… what does it mean to you? It means to trust God. To listen to God. To follow God's guidance. I need to try again. I know Christianity has so many rules and at times it seems overwhelming, however, I can't give up when I mess up. God, I know that I have messed up. I know I've messed up many, many times. I am asking today for your forgiveness. I am asking for your guidance. Please forgive me of my many sins. Please help me out by giving me the strength to change to become a good Christian. God, forgive me for my alcoholism and the many sins I commited because of it. God, give me hope and guidance. Please, make me the lady I was before I became a drunk. Amen Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 17th, 2004
1:59 pm	Letting go... I went to consoling today. Me and the consoler had a lot to talk about. It was basically since Garry left me a vast wasteland of myself, not wanting me to quit drinking and really just taking up all my time, it was now left, What am I going to do next? Well, I've now been without a drink for 2 days. Whenever I first stopped for 2 weeks, Garry kept wanting me to go to the bar, wanting me to go to Karaoke, saying, "One drink won't hurt..." Next thing I know, I'm drunk all the time again, and my mind is nothing but a blur. Garry totally didn't mess up my life, he just sped the process along. You know, sped up the inevitable. My consoler had a long talk with me, that there is still hope. However, I am a messed up person. My basic goals in life even contridict. One part of me wants to be a Christian wife. I want to have a familly, take care of a husband, dress modest and feminine... However, another part of me wants to be an independant career woman. Well, I don't know wich I should pursue. I stil have to find myself. Well, without further ado, its time for me to work on my lesson... - When you say you are powerless, do you feel hopeless? Is that why you don't say it? At times I do feel hopless. At times I believe I have no control over anything. My basic goals in life contridict. I know I can't have all I want. I can't have fun and be a Christian. However, that's what's been beat into my head for so long. Okay, back on topic. At times, yes, it feels hopeless. I always felt my drinking is in control of me. Drinking was my idenity. A drunk is who I am. Without booze socializing for me, how can I socialize? Who am I now without booze? Who am I really??? - Can you say you're powerless, and still have some hope? Yes, I know there is always hope. I am only 21. I can still work on these problems. I can still fix it. I can hopefully figure out who I am. I have a long life ahead of me. There has to be so many idenities out there other than alcohol. But, I need to know which path I want to follow, before I start walking it. I don't want to be an empty shell, because alcohol left my life. But, I believe hope is still out there. - Are there times in your life when something greater than yourself worked for you? Yes, I used to believe in God. God (or some part of my psyche believing in God) helped me get through the hardest time of my life. When I was 17, I was going through so much pain after a traumatic experience. I relied on God and prayer to help ease the pain. I was a very strong Christian. I followed the rules. However, when I started partying in college, I thought I had no place in church and left. I thought that God didn't want a drunk. I thought God only wants "perfect people." However, today the consoler talked about how Jesus hung out with the sinners. Jesus hung out with prostitues and theives. It gave me hope. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Monday, November 15th, 2004
5:00 pm	Now, I'm powerless! Okay, I guess I've calmed down enough I can talk about my alcoholism. I'm still crushed. I feel like I lost my world. However, I'm drunk, so I'm okay...ok? Are you powerless over a lot of what happens in your life? At times I feel that way. At times I feel as though I have no control whatsoever on my life. I always feel like I am at the mercy of others or some being up there constantly stringing me a long just to torture me. - What specifically are you powerless about? Love, or that imaginary thing called love. My drinking, even though I was sober for a while. However, i always feel that every time I have a problem I always have to run back to it. I'm powerless over a lot. I can't make people like or even love me. I can't even make them respect me. It seems my life right now is in complete chaos. - What do you feel you have power over? The only thing I have power over is my own actions. How I react to any situation is my choice. Noone can force my thoughts or feelings. The only thing I know I posses is my own mind. - Is your life unmanageable? In what ways? Yes, at times my life is unmanageable. My love life is chaos as you can read in my earlier entry. My drinking at times feels unmanageable. Drinking as like me fix-all medicine. It helps me feel better when I'm sad, it helps me be more social. Then it stabbed me in the back. It left me stupid and able to be taken advantage of. It has also gotten me in trouble with the law. I know I have a problem. I just wish I could find an idenity any idenity other than booze. But, the idenity I want I don't know. I'm just so confused right now. -What makes it difficult for you to admit you are powerless? (Or: What makes it easy to do so?) Sometimes I feel its difficult to admit I have a problem, because I feel it is a sign of weakness. I'm supposed to be strong and in control, right? But, I seem to fuck up all the time. - What does it mean to you to feel powerless, to feel that your life is unmanageable? I feel weak. I feel as though I am just floating around going wherever chance takes me. Or sometimes, wherever the booze takes me. I know I need help. I know I have a problem. I just wish I could fix it. These questions I got off the website http://www.proactive-coach.com/12steps/workbook.htm. I am posting this on this journal as to keep track of my progress and also have other thoughts without writing down on piece of paper. Maybe by chance later on someone would read this journal and be helped by it. I really hope so. I really hope it helps me. I hope I can be strong enough to quit. I need to learn how to cope with my feelings some other way. Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: Take my hand... take my whole life too... (Comment on this)
3:41 pm	Powerless Okay, I was originally going to have this entry be about my alcoholism and starting an alcoholism journal. However, I don't feel like doing that today. I just found out today that I was being conned. Yup, a man walked into my life making me feel loved and wanted. He gave me compliments and flowers. He even sang love songs to me. I even thought we was going to get married. But, he always needed money. I always had to pay for this and that. But I wanted to help because I thought I was in love. I even gave him my class ring as sort of an engagement ring. We talked about childeren and marriage. However, I was running out of money. He then today told me he was going back to his wife (I thought they were divorced!). Here I am nothing. He used me. I am $1,000 poorer. This was the first time I actually felt like I was in love. He crushed my heart and my soul. I know this has nothing to do with alcoholism. Right now I don't care. Today I'm supposed to write about what I feel powerless about. Well, everything. Love don't exist. Love is just smoke and mirrors. Love in itself is a con. I'm sorry to write this and know I'll get trouble, but I need to warn people. Garry Stickels is nothing but a con artist. He will use you, steal your money and leave you in the cold. He isolated me. Took all my time. I haven't even called my own mother for a month before today. He didn't want me to quit drinking. He always suggested karaoke bars. He always made me feel guilty if I didn't go to the bar with him. He didn't like me going to AA. And he just loved to see me go into a relapse. I'll talk more about alcoholism tomorrow and start with step 1. I'm just not in the mood today. I'm completely shocked. But, he succeded in parting a fool from their money. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: I can't help falling in love with you... (Comment on this)