Welcome to the CIA...

1:02AM - Quick note of apology

The reason for my not so frequent posting is due to the fact that I have been posting much more regularly on my xanga site and have just been to lazy to mirror this one with the same information. I will try to do better, but xanga just seems to be the easier way to go for me; besides people actually comment on my xanga journal unlike this one. Anyway here is the latest and also the link for future reference, in case I appear to fall off the face of the planet.

Ever since I was a little girl I have loved the book "Little Women." I know it seems like such a girly book for someone like me to love so much, but I have literally read it every year at Christmas time ever since I was a little girl, and I am pretty sure that prior to my being able to read it myself my mother read it to me countless times. During my freshman year two girls who were both older than me took me under their wings and nicknamed me little Beth... Maybe they are right I am a little Beth, but I don't think I am nearly sweet or gentle enough to be Beth. Yet, just like Beth longed for the strength that Jo had I too wish for the strength to be amazing and jump for my dreams no matter how many people try to trip me and tell me that I am not strong enough or good enough.

It's funny that my whole life I have longed to be spectacular, and yet I never understood why this book spoke to me so. As I listen to the soundtrack of the musical, courtesy of my dear friend Brianne, I am suddenly able to see the strength that Beth had rivals even Jo's. I know Jo is strong willed and exciting and stubborn and brave and so many things I wish I was--and yet in a way I know I am just as much like her. I wish I were like her and fearlessly jumped into life every morning focused and determined knowing what I wanted and that I will someday achieve those goals no matter how many times someone tells me it is impossible.

I see myself in their faults so easily and yet I wonder if with the weaknesses the strengths are there too I just have yet to discover them and put them to use. I want Beth's gentle love and caring heart, her strength that rested so hidden underneath the surface yet provided strength to all around her when all seemed lost. I wish for Jo's unadulterated strength and outspoken love, her willingness to achieve her goals no matter what, and I even wish for her stubbornness because it is what makes her unable to be stopped by any obstacles.

God show me the way to go... Show me who I am... Give me a task to do so that I can complete something... Give me meaning...

An idea has come to me, I will write a story... A modern day Little Women, though I cannot hope to capture the perfection I see there... I can still tell the story of four girls and life--maybe--no I will, Lord help me I will. And if no one wishes to publish it well that will be their loss; I will be "astonishing" somehow.

 

 

11:20PM - Interesting revelation...

I had an interesting new thought after I had posted so I will post again today. It is a daily double.

I came to a realization today, I was never the one who was meant to succeed. When I began to show signs of being smart and success, my dad thought it was an added bonus. He thought "great even my daughter will be successful." Then when my brother turned out to be such a screw-up he began to think that somehow the success genes went to the wrong kid. It is for this reason that all my actions and anc choices will never be good enough for the old man. I will always be the daughter who happened to amount to something, but my brother's dark shadow will always lurk over me mocking me because in his failure my success will always be tarnished.

11:04PM - Face it, sometimes life just sucks.

So people have been asking me how things are going at home, well I will be honest right now, they suck! If it weren't for my mom most of the time I would probably be living out on the streets just so that I could maintain my sanity.

My father can't find a good thing to say about me, or his life in general ever. All he talks about is how his day was worse than mine, how much of a screw-up my lil brother is, how my job is just to babysit kids (aka not a real job), how we need good teachers but he doesn't want me to be one and that the degree I am getting is pointless, or countless other things. I swear it is like I am living with a crazy bi-polar person. One minute he wants me to fix his computer and if I can't fix it in two minutes then he tells me to put it away since I am getting frustrated.

It is not just my dad and his moodiness which leads to my moodiness that is causing my desire for a return to my normal, unexciting school life. It is also the feeling that I am useless in my job--aka expendable. I never feel like I am worth anything at this job; in the past I have loved Day Camp, but this summer I am finding it hard to feel like I belong. Maybe I am just a has been who should throw in the towel--yet I love seeing the kids everyday and worry about some of them when I see them leave. This world is full of a lot of bastards and sometimes it feels like no one does anything about it. I guess that is why I want to practice law, at least then maybe I will make a difference.

I just hate feeling like I don't belong anywhere. Here I have hardly any friends, I don't hang out with anyone from High School, or really pre-Biola because they are all into stuff that I am not interested in. The friends from Day Camp that I do have are either super busy with boyfriends, or as is the case of most of them, they live out of the city so hanging out together in the evening is not an option.

I don't write this for pitty or anything like that. I am just being honest and getting some garbage off my chest, I guess I need too. I kind of nearly exploded at my dad tonight and I can't afford to let that happen again. In a way I am the glue/peace-keeper around here and if I loose my temper or act emotional then the whole thing goes to Hell in a hand basket.

Hey maybe it would be a good idea to get out of town for the weekend. Hopefully the boy will call and talk to me about it. That would brighten my mood either way.

10:48PM - So I have a delimma...

As many of you know the week before I left school I went on a date with a guy whom I had only talked on the phone with twice, thats it. He is my very good friends cousin, so her family set the whole thing up. I turned out to enjoy the date a lot, but of course before we could repeat the pleasant experience again I had to leave to come home for summer. Since my return we have talked on the phone a few times and that is about it. Ok, there is the background.

Now my friend and his mom want me to come to their family reunion in the San Diego area, and I am not sure if I should go. I know he knows I might come, and according to his mom he is cool with it. But, I haven't talked to him yet this week so I haven't had a chance to feel him out.

My friend wants me to go so that she has someone to drive with, she says she will even take me to a friends place to hang for the weekend if I want, but that is kind of strange too. Anyway I think those are all the pertinent details... So should I go or should I not?

12:31AM - Dreaming of what?

I am beginning to think that it is a really bad thing when dreams make you not want to go to sleep at night. So yea, nightmares have been plagueing me for the last few nights. The latest one consisted of two very dear friends of mine allowing someone to use some kind of tattoo pen on them, and mark a number/word or something on the left side of their chest just below the collarbone and over where you would put your hand for the pledge of allegance if you were a girl. I know it sounds crazy but it has been bugging me all day. This is not the only strange dream, but maybe getting something out of me will let me sleep; especially since I can't really remember the whole of the other really vivid one.

The other one I remember for the first few minutes after I wake up then I forget--it isn't as freaky as the other one though. Who knows maybe I am just eating something strange before going to sleep and that is causing it. Who knows, but I am going to try and sleep now.