Bad form to be writing in an exchange journal when I'm not on exchange anymore, I know, but it's nearly midnight and I've been reading through old emails and entries from Austria, and I can't resist. It's been over five months since I've been in Austria, and I still think about it every day-- we're learning about WWI in history; it's glorious. I sit in class and picture the Hofburg and Stephansplatz and recall exactly how to get from my house in Voeslau to downtown Vienna, even if it's two in the morning. I remember how last year at this time the snow hadn't quite set in yet, but it was freezing and miserable and I told myself I would NEVER spend the winter in a place so cold again. As I'm typing I'm looking down 11th street of Astoria (11:46PM by my laptop, streetlights a staccato red, wind screaming down the nape of this Pacific spit, branches clattering against my window), and I miss it so much, I could suffocate.

This is one of the very last pictures I have of myself in Austria-- it's my very best friend Kate & me at the airport, I think sometime in mid June. (Message courtesy Kate, in case you were wondering.) I'm fairly certain it was when we said goodbye to Gaby. She's in Mexico, Kate's in New York, Crysti's in Udine, and I'm in Astoria. Last year, it took me almost six months to get over the artificial feeling of exchange-- of being a foreigner in a foreign country, all the time, every day, often feeling as if my life was one huge foreign film where the translator died after signing the contract. It's been nearly that long since I've been home, and I still can't accept how artificial this life is. Nowhere in life are things so easily boxed up and kept-- high school yearbooks, locker combinations, schedules, grade point averages. Awareness can't be quantified, but it's something I'm missing. I could go for some good kebap, the afternoon spent at MUMOK or the Kunsthistorisches Museum, my host mum's fantastic Marillenknoedel, a train ride somewhere (east, west, south, anywhere away-- although I wouldn't mind seeing Salzburg again), and a Geigestunde at the lovely Baden Musikschule. I'll accept the cold. I miss the cold. I'd like the sulfur smell of Baden under an inch of ice, please. I'd like hearing Mozart every single morning while getting ready, until my host dad declared "DER MOZART IST TOT" ("Mozart is dead") and from then on we listened to the news (until the Mozartjahr business calmed down after January).

While in Austria, I filled three notebooks full of things I wrote. One year ago today, I was getting back from Prague. ("and now i'm back at home. home, what a funny thing to say. i got to bad voeslau at 11sh with wilco in my earbuds, feeling freer than anything(...)") Today I'm in Astoria, and Vienna is six thousand miles away, and it is going to stay that way for at least another two years.

The power just flickered and went off, so I suppose that's my cue to sleep.


PS. I took everyone off my friends-list who wasn't an exchange student/I didn't think would want to reread any of my locked entries here. If you want me to readd you for any reason at all, I will.

This is my very last entry in Austria. One year ago I had just gotten my guarantee forms, stamped by the Rotary club of a city I had never heard of (Baden bei Wien) in a country I had never been to (Austria). Right now, as I'm typing this, I feel like I'm being ripped in half, being asked to go. This has been undoubtedly the best, if not most memorable, year of my life. I have laughed, I have cried, travelled Europe, made the best friends I could ever ask for, learned a new language, saw cities I thought I would never see, forgave myself for not being perfect, and learned that it's okay to be happy again.

I didn't always make the right choices. In fact, I made a lot of mistakes. Would I take any of them back? Never. I was never able to say goodbye the right way to the people who meant the most. I missed trains. I gained weight. When I get on that plane at 7 AM from Vienna International tomorrow, this part of my life will be over, finally. I think that part of the beauty of exchange is that you can't go back, and that this year is all I get. My exchange ends at the airport, but the memories I'm taking with me to live and cry in, and the hope that maybe I will be able to see some of these people and beautiful places again.

and we'll all float on all right all ready we'll all float on all right don't worry

These are three people who were like family to me for a year,

and they mean the world to me. I am going to miss them like hell. I don't even know when we will be on the same continent again.

I can't pretend this year didn't exist, but I also can't pretend that home is just a dream. We are all going forward, none of us are going back. Here's to the long road, and Austria, and the exchange life and Vienna and sitting up all night on Stephansplatz and Bad Vöslau and Baden and every person, place we found along the way.

and one day we will die / and our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea / but for now we are young / let us lay in the sun / and count every beautiful thing we can see

It's been glorious. So long, Austria. Wish me luck.

I will try to update once more before I leave, but that might be hard. I can't believe how fast time has gone, and how little of my exchange year is left.

Yesterday I went to Vienna for the last time. I'm going to miss that city like hell, and I hate the fact that if I ever go back, it won't be how I remember it. It won't mean sitting all afternoon in Stadtpark, or crashing at Natasha's flat, or Stephansplatz and exchange students. Auggghh.

I also said goodbye to my host sister, but I'm hoping she'll come visit me in a few years, so I'll see her again.

Today is the 4th of July and it doesn't at all feel like it, so Kate and Lisa and I and maybe an Aussie and Brazilian or two are going to hang out in Baden and sing the national anthem and pretend we have fireworks and drink Coke and eat macaroni and cheese straight from the box.

By the way, Budapest = LOVE. Love love love that city. A kenyerpiritot nem eszi meg. (He does not eat the toaster.)

ATTENTION WORLD

TOMORROW I'm going to Budapest until... I don't know. Monday, at the latest.

See you whenever. I guess this is my last big foray off into foreign lands here, so it'd better be good.

I have 10 free icon slots, and nothing to fill them with (for the last week this journal will be in use, yes). Any help?

I have started Packing, which is something I'm really bad at doing and putting off even at home when I'm going somplace I want to go. Mainly I've sorted out all the books I never need to read again, clothes I'll never wear, all the defunct German dictionaries, ticket stubs, beer mats, and train tickets. Next I'm going to start weighing.

I realized when I was going through the drawer where I put all my foreign change that, when my wallet was stolen, I lost all my Slovenian and favorite pieces of Croatian money. I was planning on giving a whole bunch of it to my nephew (who suddenly likes coin collecting?) when I got back, and it's gone. I also lost my very favorite coin from Slovakia, which made me sad because I'd carried it around with me all year ever since I'd been to Slovakia, and was going to make it into a necklace when I got home. Mainly I'm upset about that one and the Slovenian ones, because I think Slovenia has the most beautiful money of any country. I'm going to go to the bank to change some Slovenian money, but I think maybe I'll have to go back to Bratislava this week, drink amazing hot chocolate at the chocolate restaurant, and get my coin back.

On the upside, I have about 354564251 Czech koruns which amounts to = 7€.