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May 15th, 2008
11:33 am - defense of marriage struck down in california!
http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/05/15/same.sex.marriage/index.html
one small step
Current Music: bleeding love - leona lewis
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May 14th, 2008
04:36 pm
so hillary beat obama in a 2-1 win in west virginia. but everyone seems to have failed to mention the fact that west virginia has the highest number of kkk members in all of america. that's all i'm saying. like not a surprise.
also, local news is amusing. "next...teens in trouble: when texting turns to sexting"
really? *shakes head in disappointment*
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May 13th, 2008
09:47 pm - you say goodbye i say hello
ryan sorba tries to give an anti-gay speech at Smith and is run off the stage by kids shouting "WE'RE HERE, WE'RE QUEER, GET USED TO IT". makes me proud to be queer.
my response to a question re freedom of speech and queer activism:
I have to say, watching that video of the students protesting at Smith makes me well with pride. When did that happen? It feels nice to see queer people standing up for themselves, for ourselves...I don't feel like I see that too often in San Diego.
What do I think about queer activism? I love it. I think beneath activism is empowerment, recognition that there is a community for and by us, and the ability to learn about the myriad diversity within (and without) that community.
Where do we draw the line to ensure free speech rights? Drawing lines is always a problem. I imagine it like trying to lay a ruler down on a very messy desk. Yes, the ruler makes a straight line, but it's all askew...right now in front of me, mine's sitting half on the cordless phone, half on a notebook. The point is that the line doesn't describe the constantly changing surface of the desk, much like it would/will be very difficult to draw legal lines which accurately describe the constantly changing face of our country.
For me, you have the right to say whatever you want until it becomes discriminatory. "Be Happy - Not Gay"...obnoxious as all hell, small minded - yes. Is it illegal? No, I don't think so (at least outside of any school, state, or federally funded enterprise). Is it right? Of course not. "Be Happy - Not Jewish" (yes it loses it's double entendre, but to the same effect)...If you put any identity in there you're going to annoy somebody, you're going to make somebody feel bad about something, and probably something close to home. Should it be illegal? I don't think so. The kind of person who thinks that they are helping anyone in any way with a shirt like that is simply confused. And if a person were to wear a shirt of that nature for the sole intention of hurting someone's identity, then I think society as a whole should be casting its judgmental stares at said persons.
Then the question becomes, at what point does something become discriminatory? I don't know. When it...crosses a line (pun intended!)? I think we should work towards more inclusive civil rights law in America...you can still be discriminated against for being queer LEGALLY. It is not illegal to discriminate against me, federally speaking, because of my sexuality. Sexual orientation, perceived sexual orientation, gender identity, and perceived gender identity all need to be included alongside race and religion in our anti-discrimination laws. It just seems antiquated that they're not.
IT IS LEGAL, FEDERALLY, TO FIRE ME BECAUSE I AM GAY.
What kind of tone does that set all the way down to the local level? It's okay to take away my job. Is it okay to take away my dignity? My freedoms? My life? Certainly it's okay to take away my livelihood. My pursuit of happiness?
I got sidetracked. It becomes discriminatory when you're no longer talking about a person or persons, but people as a whole. When you put me in a box with a little label on it that says "queer," and stop seeing me for the valuable person I am just because of it...that's discrimination. We are free to speak our minds and more importantly to think whatever we want to think, but it's just stupid to run around hurting each other.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/okay.gif) okay, anxious
Current Music: i have a fucking target commercial stuck in my head
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05:50 pm
today i can't help but look on everything with a visage of mild disdain. everywhere i look i'm just a little annoyed, disappointed. depressed, i guess.
somehow in my fucked up state on saturday, i lost my wallet. i remember my mom dropped me back off at rachels, and having to give her money for gas and being really annoyed. that was as i was getting out of the car at rachels, and then i don't remember seeing my wallet after that. i'm hoping it turns up in the car or at rachels or i'm going to have to order a new direct payment card for my unemployment monies, which is just annoying because i can't change my address or they'll know i moved and i'm afraid they'll readjust my weekly income for cost of living if i do that, so i have to have it mailed to brooklyn. ugh. hopefully it just turns up and this whole headache will be over. until then, unfortunately, i have one dollar in cash. which, in addition my location at the end of a dirt road on the wrong side of a mountain, and my lack of car, completes the I SUCK TRIUMVIRATE. that's right, it's a triumvirate. and it sucks.
i watched rent twice in a twelve hour period. i watched it before going to bed last night around midnight, and then again in the morning when i woke up.
blllaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhH I feel like crying or punching something but i'm not actually worked up to tears. i want to put my fist through a wall.
i miss my friends
Current Mood: blah
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April 28th, 2008
05:35 pm
the pool is warm enough to swim in after this string of record-breaking 100 degree heat. i went swimming today and got tired soo fast lol. i'm so out of shape roomie. even just playing around i'd go underwater and come up gasping for air after only a little bit. haha guess it's all the smoke i've been inhaling over the past few years.
so um yea. i'm getting real fucking bored. i have no contact with anyone except my mother. i made a pasta salad today and watched america's next top model on my mom's shitty old imac which is so slow that streaming video skips even when it's fully loaded :-\.
i wish the majority of san diegans could be rounded up and executed a la hitler or something. that was insensitive. at least joanna's adopted. LOL oh man i remember now why it was so fun to be so faux mean in high school...it's the only way to fucking deal with this place. either that or a full frontal lobotomy. my mom's school is doing day of silence (well, their GSA is) and apparently one of the stupid conservative teachers sent out a mass email to all the teachers that my mom found really offensive and a lot of email drama ensued among the liberal vs conservative teachers. apparently he likened the use of silence to hitler, and said that the students who "believe" in heterosexuality were being discriminated against or some bullshit like that. to which i have a burning desire to ask "WHEN'S THE LAST TIME A BUNCH OF QUEER KIDS GOT TOGETHER AND BEAT A STRAIGHT KID TO A BLOODY PULP AND THEN KILLED HIM JUST BECAUSE OF WHO HE IS?...WHEN'S THE LAST TIME A BUNCH OF QUEER KIDS MADE A STRAIGHT KID FEEL SO BAD ABOUT HIMSELF THAT HE FALLS ASLEEP CRYING AND WAKES UP CRYING DAY AFTER DAY BECAUSE OF WHO HE IS??" yea. i'm so sure. those poor heterosexual high school students are just SO misunderstood and SO oppressed. god damnit i just want to get a bunch of queer kids together and just start hurting people. at least then we'd be on the same playing field. fucking idiots. who wants to start a gang?
Current Location: the middle of nowhere
Current Mood: okay
Current Music: the dirty dancing song where baby dances with the nephew is stuck in my hea
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April 25th, 2008
11:32 am
it is only 11:30am and I have already been awake for four hours o_0. i weeded the hill at 8:30 in the morning. readjusted the automatic sprinklers. tried unsuccesfully to remove the calcium/lime/hard water deposits on my shower faucet. sprayed bug spray around the edges of my room/this end of the house. ate breakfast with mom on the patio.
Current Location: harbison canyon
Current Mood: calm, productive, confused
Current Music: dirty dancing sndtrck (some kind of wonderful)
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April 24th, 2008
10:46 am - part 2
a) there is cable in my bedroom. IN MY BEDROOM.
b) i found my mom's arthritis pain meds
c) i can sit on the toilet seat and not fall off
d) there is an abundance of really soft toilet paper (as well as paper towels, facial tissue, coffee filters, etc...they're not all the same thing...who knew?!)
e) there is a drawer full of ziploc bags of various sizes, cling wrap, foil, etc
f) fresh flowers
g) pantry
more will follow
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08:37 am
i just woke up thinking it was much later than it actually is, in part because of the copious sunshine, in part because of the time change.
this morning i woke up and raised my blinds and looked out onto a green mountain and listened to birds chirping. i went into the backyard and realized that this is kind of paradise. the mountains are green, there are plants everywhere, the front garden's been manicured, the back yard's been manicured, the air smells clear and crisp, and the pool is already warm enough to swim in. I'm going to walk to the liquor store a mile or two away and buy some beer a little later, and then i'm going to drink and go swimming.
the house has never looked this good because it's up for sale right now but i'm secretly hoping that whatever happens, we don't move out of here until the end of summer.
more to come
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April 19th, 2008
09:20 pm - disappointment
i am disappointed.
i am disappointed in the people i know. i am disappointed with the people who say they love me. i am disappointed with people. with you.
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April 9th, 2008
09:36 pm - universal health care
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ucmg/20080408/cm_ucmg/hillarystalltalesabouthealthcare
we talked about universal health care a lot the other night. i think it really boils all the way down to the fact that we can't make a wonderful socialist idea like universal health care work well in a world, a country, a society where, unfortunately, money is always most important.
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06:52 pm
AHHH EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT LEAVING I START CRYING
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06:14 pm
today is a good day. last night i almost went crazy. something in the air, maybe. joanna feels it too. we had really bad anxiety. brendan came over and we watched planet earth on dvd because he found the full set on the subway (holla!).
i could feel the butterflies in my stomach for no reason. i just sat there on the futon and could feel wave after wave of anxiety crashing over me. i decided i needed to use the energy or have a meltdown, so i did some pushups, and then when that wasn't enough i went running with minnie. when i got back i did some yoga and meditated and the combination of working out and working on meditation worked. i was able to relax and go to bed, which was a real feat as my sleep schedule got mad fucked up the night before when we randomly decided to stay up until almost 8am and then sleep until the afternoon. soo...yea. today i woke up and the sun was coming in my window and brendan and i cuddled, among other things. eventually he left.
joanna and i got ourselves together and took minnie to central park today (her service vest came in the mail so i can take her anywhere i want now, including on public transportation (yay!)). we ate sandwiches and took some of her pain pills which make us a little loopy and it was fun. stumbled around and stalked a cute boy on the baseball field. layed on a bench/low wall and smoked cigarettes. somehow like 3 hours went by.
and now i'm wondering what i should do about my weed situation (ie lack thereof). also, i should see about some sort of food sitch. damn new hardee for being closed!
fourteen days
Current Location: bed-stuy
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/angry.gif) a little hungry and fiendy
Current Music: across the universe in the background...o_O
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April 7th, 2008
01:00 pm
1) i leave new york in sixteen days
2) i think i'm sick or something...i was really cold all night and slept until 12:40! I guess I didn't go to bed until somewhere near 2:30 or 3 though so that's not soo bad.
3) today feels a little amiss, for some reason. like something is missing or hasn't yet arrived.
4) maybe it's just because it's a little overcast.
5) the hours in front of me seem long and daunting because i have so little to distract me
Current Location: bedford-stuyvesant
Current Music: the sounds - song with a mission, pulp - common people
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April 1st, 2008
05:20 pm - ha
- Adrian is the only one of the original Seven Wonders of the World that still survives.
- Without its lining of Adrian, your stomach would digest itself.
- Fifty-two percent of Americans drink Adrian.
- Adrian can not regurgitate.
- Oranges, lemons, watermelons, pineapples and Adrian are all berries.
- Birds do not sleep in Adrian, though they may rest in him from time to time.
- Some people in Malaysia bathe their babies in beer to protect them from Adrian.
- New Zealand was the first place to allow Adrian to vote.
- Adrian can sleep for three and a half years.
- The water in oceans is four times less salty than the water in Adrian.
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01:04 pm
Wow so if you have free time on your hands and want to watch a good british drama watch this episode of Skins. I, clearly, have free time on my hands.
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March 28th, 2008
10:18 pm
today we cleaned the apt better than it's been cleaned in a while. hung out, napped. was woken up by joanna. smoked some j's with the roomies. had a dance party in the kitchen. talked about sex. same 'ol, really. just watched shortbus and then was inspired to go back through my myspace messages and look at all the communications i've had with jay brannan lol. when patricia and i first saw him, one of the first things he said when he got on stage was "wow i've never played standing up before" hahaha and now look at him! he's recording his album now.
i feel understimulated right now. and a little hungry. but mostly just understimulated, i think. if i had a piano here, i would play it right now. yes, i would.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/working.gif) creative
Current Music: soda shop - jay brannan
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March 14th, 2008
10:55 pm - starshine
The early cars
Already are
Drawing deep breaths past my door
And last night's phrases
Sick with lack of basis
Are still writhing on my floor
And it doesn't seem fair
That your wicked words should work
In holding me down
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round
Conversation once colored by esteem
Became dialogue as a diagram of a play for blood
Took a vacation, my palate got clean
Now I could taste your agenda
While you're spitting your cud
And it doesn't make sense
I should fall for the kingcraft of a meritless crown
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round
This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out
This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache
What is this posture
I have to stare at
That's what he said when I'm sittin' up straight
Change the name of the game 'cause he lost
And he knew he was wrong but he knew it too late
But I'm not being fair
'Cause I chose to listen to that filthy mouth
But I'd like to choose right
Take all the things that I've said that he stole
Put 'em in a sack
Swing 'em over my shoulder
Turn on my heels
Step out of this sight
Try to live in a lovelier light
This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I cant stop falling out
This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact i cant stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/happy.gif) as good as it gets
Current Music: not about love - fiona apple
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March 8th, 2008
03:17 am
it's time for words
there are no other choices
raising voices
into melodious chords
there's a onenness in us all
i can feel it pulsing
through my body
but maybe i'm just high
it's time for choice
there is no other word
that brings such a chord
that can silence a voice
i'm scared to move on
stagnation makes me want to die
where do i go from here?
i feel the need to turn to wisdom
we need to use our voices
to sing those chords
any is better than no choice
if we could just spread the word
---
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I AM CHEWING THIS GUM
like it is my JOB
i need another hit
tonight'll be a long one
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this side of a hit is nice
Current Music: aninterestingrepresentationofblackwomenovertime
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January 22nd, 2008
12:43 pm - life and times of the unexciting
life is unexciting since i've been unemployed. not that employment is/was particularly exciting, but yknow. the days kind of drift by with banality. or maybe it's me that's banal and the rest of the world is fine.
Brendan and I argued last night about identity, roles, and expression. I mean it wouldn't be brunch or breakfast or dinner or bedtime or ANYTHING without a discussion about hegemony, right? not if you consider yourself a truly pretentious academician. anyway, he feels that identity and role and expression are conflated and that it is useless to study or look at them as distinct entities. I disagree because I view identity as something defined by oneself, whereas I think of a role as something defined by society-at-large (or something like that), and i think one's expression of oneself is affected by both of these. traditional Outspoken gender model. problematic of course, but useful nonetheless. anyway, it started as a discussion about roles, and how i think roles force us into boxes. a role, to me, is a set of instructions, so to speak, as to how one should (may(?)) express hirself according to the people around us. i don't like the idea of roles because i don't like the idea that there is something to which i should "live up." i don't like the idea that because i'm a man i shouldn't cry etc etc etc. Brendan believes, and hopefully I don't butcher this, that because his identity is informed by those roles, he is inextricably linked to those roles; that he chooses to enact those roles, and in so doing conflates role, identity, and expression. To him they are not and cannot be distinct. I asked him if there was a time when he felt an attraction to men and did not express it. He said yes. I asked him if the reason he chose not to express that was possibly because of various roles he's been taught...straight, man, etc. He said no. That he chose to express straightness because it was what he wanted (and yes, that it was in fact informed by anti-gay literature) at that time. [to me, the fact that he felt something and expressed something contrary to what he felt due to anti-gay literature, proved my point...that there can be and is a distinction between what one feels and what society tells you to feel...not to him though.] To him, in so doing, he makes that role part of his identity. But to me, that's just an act. It's not what he feels but what he wants, and not because he wants it inside, but because he's shamed by people on the outside into desiring a sense of normalness.
To me, identity is more how one feels inside. roles, i think, work through shame, and i don't think shame is an intrinsic feeling but one we are made to feel and hence one that some day might be escaped to some degree. but if you don't understand the dialectic, the pieces that come before, how can you understand the whole? if you don't understand side a and side b, how can you possibly calculate side c (i mean, unless you're given the angles, but really, that's far too technical)? it's not enough to say you have a triangle, sometimes. sometimes it needs to be described by its parts in order to understand a bigger picture. in order to answer complicated questions about identity, shouldn't we try to understand all the pieces that go into an identity?
annnnyway, the problematic part for me was that he said he doens't feel, he just is. like really? you don't feel? i mean i'm all for making points, but like...only crazy people don't feel...you're not winning your argument here (which apparently was that identity is not based on feeling). oh and he also said that he's always playing a role. i don't feel like i'm ever playing a role, in fact the last time i felt like i was playing a role was high school, and it was even worse in middle school. now i'm vehemently non-role. i don't do what people expect just because they expect it from me. but to him, my being his boyfriend is a role. which offended me. because roles require actors, and i consciously try not to act in any part not written for me by me. but that, apparently, is invalid. because apparently i can't escape the roles assigned to me by society. i dunno. i don't date actors for a reason. you can never tell when they're telling the truth or just acting. to brendan there is no truth. there's no core inside him that tells him what he wants. according to him, it's informed by the rest of the world and that cannot be escaped. when what one wants, and what one is expected to do don't jive, one might choose to compromise hir expression, which to me doesn't change who i am or how i identify on the inside. when i choose not to "look gay" when walking home from the subway, i'm still queer. i still identify as queer, i just choose to express myself differently as meets my safety requirements. to the people on the street, i don't "look gay" and therefore am probaby not gay...to them. but i don't care about their opinion beyond what concerns my personal safety. to me, i'm still queer.
anyway, it pissed me off in general. because i like him so much, i wanted him to understand where i was coming from, and he just doesn't. i mean at one point i said incredulously "YES I feel. It's the core of my entire being!" and he laughed and said he doens't have a core of his being. I don't see where he's coming from, either. but i don't see where he's coming from because that's who i am and that's how i feel... if someone doesn't feel...how can empathy and compassion, the two most useful things in the world, function?
on top of that, most of what he says in argumentative situations is completely pretentious pedantical bullshit that he passes off as knowledge by pulling from a large vocabulary. which he admits. so when i talk to him about it again it's entirely possible that he will have opposite views, and then deny ever telling me he "doesn't feel", or "know [him]self at all." which is why i'm quoting here.
it makes sense that it makes me nervous that my boyfriend just told me he doesn't feel and doesn't know himself, right? i mean that's not crazy. because we just got to the point where we're telling eachother we love eachother. but if you don't know yourself, how can you love me? if you don't feel, how can you love? or is that a role? an act?...it takes the authenticity out of a situation, to me, when it's an act. it's no longer about me, it's about what other people think we should be. don't hold my hand because that's what boyfriends do, hold my hand because you want to. and don't want to because that's what boyfriends want, want to because of you and no one else but me. don't tell me you love me because that's what boyfriends do, tell me because you feel it and you can't hold it in for a minute longer. is that a role? is that an act? when i can't hold that feeling in any longer so that it has to explode out of my body in hugs or admirations or kisses...sweet nothings that really are everything?
eugh...thinking about this keeps making me get sick to my stomach.
in other news, my interview at the racial justice program for the aclu is tomorrow. i'm a little nervous...not so much about the interview process...i think i do okay at interviews. i'm just scared i'm not going to get the job because not only do i really want it, but it's my only prospect at the moment. i've got all my eggs in this basket so hopefully it doesn't break or i'll have to try to scramble some eggs on the pavement or something. i'm not even sure what that metaphor means.
Current Location: brendan's place
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/sad.gif) eh
Current Music: none
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January 4th, 2008
04:08 pm - oops
the days are mushing together because nothing exciting or noteworthy seems to be happening. i just realized i haven't livejournaled since last year! madness.
last night brendan AJ and I went out dancing at some place on Chrystie where JD Samson was supposed to dj but she didn't go on till 2 or something so we left before then because we took advantage of the free drinks from 10:30-11:30. today we watched blood diamond and that has somehow constituted the whole of the day thus far. well that and eating.
and now i'm gonna go back and see what i was up to in januarys passed.
Current Location: brendan's
Current Music: that kanye west song about diamonds
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adrian1698's journal