Insaine in the Brain!

I HATE MY BANK!!!!

What the fuck!?!?!?  Apparently I have been charged $300 in overdraft fees...becasue some asshole cashed a check in EARLY, and so every $6 I've spent for lunch has, in reality, cost $36.  Have I mentioned me being sick?  Which means I haven't checked the online statement in about a week and a half.

Which means I'm a LOT poorer than I thought.

It doesn't help that I spent $250 at target today...most of which I *technically* could have lived without (especially the whole Guitar Hero 3...)...exceot for the long sleeved shirts!  Those I needed!

So now I feel bad.  And reeeeeeally crappy, what with the whole REALLY REALLY broke now.  I was off by about $1000 bucks.  yah.  Like I said.  a LOT poorer.

At least it's Halloween!  wooo (but it's totally not as cool a holiday because of the money thing now)

Hello journal.  I've missed you.  I've been too busy with life to actually record its happenings as of late, which is ok.

Why should I suddenly post though?  Well, mostly because I needed some venting space for a rant about people and their stupidity.

So I was asked out on a real date.  almost a miracle at 23 - not only was I not shot down, but I wasn't even the poor pathetic one trying to ask.  And she is absolutley amazing, so much fun to talk to, and pretty damn hot.  And she asked ME.  And I had no real pre-conceptions, no minimums or maximums...honestly?  At this point in my life, I didn't even have butterflies.  I mean, why bother?  You either hit it off, or you don't.  You can't predict the future.  You shouldn't limit yourself or how to live today with fear of "what ifs" of the future in this type of situation when they are utterly unfounded.  So I was happy.  I would have been going for coffee.

Until a long chat, and past relationships come up.  She's had them.  That's ok with me.  I haven't.  Apparently, yet again, that comes into play.  And not in a small way, either.  There's silence.  A reconfirmation that yes, I'm a virgin.  Yes, I haven't kissed anyone.  Yes, I'm twenty fucking three years old.  And after a long discussion about this, mostly of her venting her hesitations, she calls it off because it might not be what she's looking for.  It might be a bad idea.  It might not work out in the future.  She might always wonder IF we are still together 2, 3, more years down the road if I'm going to leave because I want to experience more.

So because of the what ifs of a hypothetical future, in which - hypothetically speaking - we've become physically intimate she will wonder, she cancels a freaking COFFEE DATE.

What the hell?  Because by having coffee I'm apparently proclaiming my undying love, and we shall immediately be attracted and we will kiss thus convincing me that this first kiss is everything under the moon and the sun and I will follow her around like a lost puppy dog and 3 years from now when we're in an amazing relationship we'll have to break up thus ruining her search for the only one she has to cancel, but still finds me and I quote "amazingly attractive."

IT WAS JUST A FREAKING COFFEE.

I knew there was a reason I was destined to die a cranky bastard with cats before I turn 30.  And hey, at least now I have a story that's comparable to "The Prom Call."  Granted, that's probably not a good thing.  Generally, i think she's an idiot for overanalyzing everything, and freaking herself out so bad she can't even go for a freaking cup of coffee, when she did the inviting.

God my life's pathetic.  Still a virign, and apparently staying that way.  *throws confetti* woo life.  I think I'll just stay a work-a-holic.  So far it's at least a great distraction.

Current Mood: content

Today has been nice, and phone-call free.  It's my 4th day off since the beginning of the summer.  Which I am extreamly happy about, because I needed one.

Lots of drama in the life that is mine.  And at the moment I'm pretty OK with it.  Shocking, I know.

Apparently I DO have health insurance right now, I just need to cought up $730.  Which I don't have.
Credit card bill for maxed out card because of medical drama.
Car insurance payment.  Not too bad :)
Apparently my dental insurance is being a bitch about getting my teeth pulled...AFTER the fact.  I have the feeling a dispute is to follow.
I'm missing one of my best friend's weddings, because I truly can't afford it, or get off work.  This for a happy Me does not.

I've spent a large chunk of today reflecting- how does the frater put it?- on life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!  *smiles*  First, I think I'm finally calming down.  The end of college is hitting, and the stress is no longer getting stuck up in my brain.  While I still have times where I feel like the world is crushing in and I can't breathe, they're fewer and far between, and I just need to step outside, look up, and breath.

It's a change.  A nice one.

I've come to grips with being alone: I know I may always be, or I might find someone.  What will happen, will happen.  And while part of it depends on me, my choices, and my actions, there's a lot left up to chance and fate, and simply the world turning as it has been.  It's an interesting feeling, and while I'm lonley, I'm settled in the knowledge that I'm ok with my conclusion.

I'm excited about life for the first time in a long while.  I'm still sick, of that there isn't too much doubt, but I'm happy with it.  I'm painting flames on my cane tonight, and dubbing it "House Jr." because I can.  I'm also starting my summer clipboard project.  I think the warmest place in my heart actually got used last week when I saw both John and Tiff both still have an use the ones I made for us last summer.  And they both were excited to see what I do with this years.  I love my fellow Sups- and this summer would SUCK if it wasn't most of the old team again with all the crazy changes about at UC.  I'm also happy with have TLC with us, and as much as she annoys me sometimes Lynn.  Pat and Beka are my balance this year though.  :D  Not that this rant means anything to anyone- no one I know in Fresno even knows what LJ is, let alone reads mine.

But excitement: my internship starts in less than 3 months.  And with it, one very large change.  I'm moving to Chicago.  Well, Great Lakes technically, but it's only a 30 minute different.  I'm truly looking forward to it, too.  I just need to figure out how I'll get a car for when I'm there.  :/

I'm off to get some work done now.  Myabe I'll finish updating in the future.  I think, I'm content with life, if only for this short period of time.  Illnesses be damned.  :)

Life?  Life's good.