Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in _vegan_'s LiveJournal:

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Friday, June 24th, 2005
3:33 pm	if crack addicts can do it, can't I, too? I've been reading's memiors lately. I was cleaning my desk and came across the reading list for the memior class I took last winter at the Loft, so I requested a bucnch of the books listed from the library. It's amazing how many people get themselves into desperate situations - drug addiction, alcoholism, etc. and somewhow manage to get themselves out of it and living a life that works for them. I remember being impressed when we had a guest in our 9th grade civics class come in and talk about how he used gto be a junkie, but now he's a drug busting police officer. Then reading these detailed memiors about how awful some of the circumstances could be for people... while sad, it also gave me some hope because I figure if junkies can pull wheir lives together and go on to live lives they can be proud of, my future might not look so bleak afterall. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 1st, 2005
1:54 pm	Max's community service Proof that atttitude can influence outlook: Instead of getting frustrated and angry when my dog eats trash off the street, I have decided to re-frame his habit so that when he lunges for trash, I think of it as his effort to improve the community by doing his part to fight litter. It's not based in reality, of course, but it keeps me from getting so mad. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
2:40 pm	feeling on edge I can't seem to identify what's going on in my heart these days. I feel like I'm in this state of limbo - waiting for something. Maybe it's inspiration? I'm very indecicive. I'm not quite negative, but I feel like I'm constantly having to talk myself out of being upset or down about something. I'm really stuck on this chapter thing. Brian has encouraged me to go for writing a chapter for the book and I'm intimidated by that. Everyday I think that this is going to be the day that I sit down and do it - I cut my workouts short so I can come home and write, and instead of writing, I eat. I've even thought about going out and getting a temp job. As long as I'm wasting all of this time, I may as well be making some money from it. I'm feeling more and more alone. Brandon and I have had talks about the future and where we're headed, but they always stop short, and we never commit to anything. We know we want a house (someday), he wants a new job (someday), and I'll write my book (someday) - and in the meantime we're not doing much. At least not much worth mentioning. I find that fear is what has been the main motivation behind a lot of my choices. Fear and waiting. I'm afraid to be hungry and I'm afraid to be fat. I wait to find out what other people are doing before I plan my day. I put my plans on hold while I wait to hear from everyone else... What if I didn't hesitate and I just went ahead and did what I wanted to do with or without anyone else for company? Am I that afraid to be alone? Am I that dissatisfied with myself? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
12:30 pm	This morning Brandon and I were up at six and getting ready to hit the gym - we're making an effort to get back on track with our lifting schedule, and in order to do that we're sacrificing a week of squats and dead-lifts. Oh well - I guess life gets in the way sometimes. Between work, sick dogs, and our neighbors throwing parties that keep us up half the night, we've not feeling like we can handle picking heavy things up and putting them down again. But, today, we did. I guess I'm proud of myself overall considering my awful experience on Thursday. Last Thursday I didn't meet my goals (not only that but I actually did fewer reps than the week before) and I don't know if I was already in a fragile state of mind, or if it was just the last straw but I had a bit of a meltdown about it. The week before I got pretty upset, but I managed not to cry. Crying in the weightroom isn't tough - but this week I couldn't help it. I tried to choke it back for a bit, but eventually I left and sat in a bathroom stall and cried real good. It was more than frustrating. I really felt like a failure. Not just that I had failed to meet my goal, but that *I was a failure*. In my core. For some reason me not being able to hoist those dumbbells over my head 9 times brought up all of the sadness and shame I had been stuffing down around CAA. Maybe because I just threw myself into fitness after I left - or because I had been telling myself that if I can't compete with Greg at least I could take care of myself and get healthy and build my confidence in the gym. I think I was sort of reverting back to taking control of my body if I couldn't have control at CAA, and instead of trying to lose weight by starving myself or purging, I would just push myself to get stronger - but my body wasn't cooperating and I just lost it. Anyway, after some insight, rest, lots of water, and a huge dinner last night, I put on my vegan weight lifting grips and gave it another shot. I tried giving myself a little pep talk before each set - telling myself that no matter what kind of reps I do, the important thing is that I'm 'getting back on the bike', I'm here, I'm not giving up, and if it's not what I was hoping for I'll just try again next week. I told myself it would be a piece of cake, that the weights were super light, and that it was no big deal, I'm a tough girl and I can do this, no problem, etc. For the most part it seemed to work. I benched 50 lbs. for the first time today (6,3,5), basically hit my goal for shoulders (I had wanted to lift 30 lbs for three sets of 9 reps, but ended up doing 8,10,9, which equals out to three of 9), and broke even for my lat pulldowns (last time I did those was two weeks ago since I gave up last week when I couldn't stop crying. Two weeks ago was 8,8,7 and this week was 8,7,8). Low rows weren 't remarkable, I can't remember. I'm supposed to be working on a chapter for my book - I can't concentrate and I just want to take a nap. I thought a journal entry would help get me moving, but I'm just feeling worn out. (Comment on this)
Friday, March 18th, 2005
2:37 pm	uncovering the truth One of the things that I face as an activist, and in life in general, is the feeling that when I do something and the results don't look the way I want them to, that I have failed in some way. When I am disappointed, that disappointment occurs to me as me being a failure. Me not being able to do something right, or well enough, and me essentially being a bad person. The issue with Greg really has many sides to it. I feel like a failure because I wasn't able to produce the same kinds of results he did. Because I am pretty hard on myself – an over achiever, a perfectionist – I didn't bother to take stock of the qualities and talents that I do have – all I could/can see are the things that he can do that I can't. That makes me not only hate myself, but hate him as well. I don't like it that I feel like he's better than me – and because I feel like he is better than me, I automatically make it mean that he thinks he's better than me, too. So, then not only do I feel embarrassed that I'm not as good as him, I feel like everyone knows it. This shame and embarrassment is really excruciating. I don't want to go to meetings, I don't want to participate. I even feel humiliated sending an e mail with my previous tag line, feeling that no one else respects me and why should they when I suck so much? I distance myself more and more from everyone and sink into a secluded rut where I do everything in my power to not think about how much I hate myself for failing at something that had been so important to me. Really, I pulled a classic self sabatoging prophecy thing – I wanted something so bad that I made sure I fucked it up. Brandon has been a huge sweetheart since I told him about this last night. It came up in our couples counseling session – he had no idea how much pain the whole CAA mess has caused me. I have been so good at covering it up and pretending like it isn't that big of a deal – doing my best to ignore it and minimize the impact, I guess it was really working. He told me that he's done similar things in his life when he's really wanted something – with bands and SOAR. It occurs to me now that I could ask him about those details for the book. Anyway, he said that when he really wants something and it looks like he isn't going to get it he goes down and brings everyone with him. It certainly wasn't my goal to bring everyone down with me – that's why I left. I figured if I was having such a horrible time and struggling so much and held all of this anger and bitterness that it wouldn't make any sense for me to stick around and make other people miserable with me. I was trying not to cause a scene – although secretly in my heart of hearts I was wishing that someone would miss me – but that's just the old ego at work again. Always searching for that recognition, that admiration... the feeling of being really important that would validate me and make me feel like a worthwhile human being since I don't feel like one without it – apparently. No one begged me to stay or come back, which is just as well. I don't think I would have reached this level of insight if I hadn't taken the path that I did. I'm sure it will be of some use in my book, and it certainly had to happen at some point. In a way I am breaking a pattern and trying to hop out of the hamster wheel of self loathing, zero self esteem, and worthlessness that has been the climate of my life for I don't know how long. It occurs to me that I probably need to deal with these relationships that I have abandoned in some way - but I really don't know how to go about doing that. The ones that matter most to me are Dave and Matt, since they're more like friends, or at least they have known me the longest and know me the best. I don't want to lose touch over something that has nothing to do with them, really. Anne was encouraging me not to give up - she was trying to make me feel better by saying that I have a lot to contribute and I'm so good with people, etc. etc. I wish I could be as optimistic as she is. I wish I could beleive in myself half as much as people like her and Brandon and Jane and Mark do, but it just scares me so much to think that I might never be able to do what I want to - because someone else is more qualified or because I physched myself out of it. Either way, it hurts a lot. The current plan is to write this book and think about a career later, I guess. I need this book, an I'm sure there's a lot of other people out there who could use it as well - and it's compeltely within my control, so it's safe. Until we get to the submitting it to publishers part, anyway. Great. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 6th, 2005
1:48 pm	running around the lake again This morning I decided I would run around Lake Calhoun with some friends to support them in their training for a 5K race next week. I guess I'm alright with how it went - I was able to talk all the way around, which is good. Heck, I was able to make it all the way around, so that right there is a small success. I don't think I kept very good pace - I'm afraid I was slowing them down a bit, but they were gracious enough about it. I think this spring will be a good one for running if I'm starting out at this level. Last night Brandon and I went to a wedding reception for his friend Brette and his wife Pragya. It' was a lot of fun, even though I didn't know anyone besides Brandon and the bride and groom. It was nice to go out with Brandon and dress up a little bit. The food was pretty good and we were really excited that so much of it was vegan! Score. Yesterday I clipped the scraggly hair around Warren's legs to clean him up a bit. Then I decided I would clip his rear end a little - kind of give him a lion cut. This morning I took it a little further and trimmed up his back and chest and I'm afraid if I continue like this I will have a little bald dog in no time. He sure is cute with his new cut! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
1:14 pm	battling a cold Last night at 1 am Max decided he had to go outside. Since Brandon is such a darling and takes the boys outside almost every morning and night, I usually end up doing the random midnight potty outtings. These are a pain in the butt because it requires waking up, getting dressed, putting on winter outer wear and standing on the sidewalk with the dog until he does his thing. Luckily, this doesn't happen to often. Anyway, I noticed that my throat was bothering me when I came back to bed - whenever I get sick it always starts with a sore throat. I drank some water and tried to get some sleep. This morning I popped two garlic capsules and headed off to the gym. Origionally I was toying with the idea of sitting in the sauna, having read somewhere that the heat creates an artificial fever that tricks your body into thinking it needs to fight sickniss, and this is what some people do when they feel under the weather to avoid getting all out sick. I opted to take a spinning class instead and I'm so glad I ddi. It was the best one yet - the instructor is awesome. There's something about his coaching that doesn't let me slack, but doesn't make me feel like a wuss either. The music is great, and he's just fun. I had a great time, but skipped the sauna to get home so I could throw something together for dinner for Brandon - poor guy hasn't been getting many home cooked meals with me working all the time. I know that's going to sounds like a gross little woman taking care of her man statement - but it's part of our arrangment. I get to work part time at a job that's highly unpredicatble and he brings home a steady paycheck so we can have some security. I make most of the meals, do laundry, etc. I made something called lemon galantine - it's Brittish. Don't ask me. It has vegetables in it though, which is something we aren't getting enough of these days so hopefully that'll make it a winner. Gotta run, I'm off to model. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
5:47 pm	I -am- turning into my mom I'm so tired - I just want to sit on the couch and not have to do anything. I left at 7 am to get on a bus to go model at Hamline (I still hate that school) and just stumbled in the door, let the dogs out, after finishing up my 2nd modeling shift of the day at MCAD. I'm beat. My body is stiff from staying so still and trapsing through the cold. I wonder how many miles I walked outside today? I'm just what you'd call 'worn out'. I just want to sit on the couch and watch a movie, eat some popcorn, and not have to set foot outside again until tomorrow, when I have to model at MCAD again. I do feel stupid complaining though - I am lucky to have work at all. It's even work I generally enjoy doing. God I'm a priss. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 28th, 2005
1:08 pm	careful what you wish for Why is it that I so often wish that I would get more work - that someone would call and ask me to cover a modeling gig - but when it actually happens I'm always disapointed?? I was looking forward to a nice evening with my husband, to make up for not having time with him last week when I was covering a modeling job - but I just got a call from a woman who'd like me to cover a gig for her tonight. It's a pretty easy gig - only two hours, and it's at MCAD, so it's close. I always feel like if I have an opportunity to make some money I should grab it, since money doesn't come so easily these days and work is unpredictable. But, at the same time, I really would like to have a break and enjoy some time with Brandon. Ugh, I just don't know. This is where spouses can come in handy. I'll get his opinion. (Comment on this)
8:35 am	nasty beagle Dogs are so bazaar. This morning Max was snuggled up in his bed, looking adorable and wagged his tail when I gave him some good morning lovin'. This is a big deal considering it took him well over a year before he would wag his tail when being touched - it used to be that if he was wagging it and I pat his head, it would go stark still. Anyway, he was being all sweet and nice, didn't even bark while I was getting his breakfast ready. On good behavior. Brandon leaves for work, and he turns into Beaglo (Bee-ah-glow) - the devil dog. HE ATE A STRIP OF CONDOMS! And he didn't go for those free Lifestyles ones from Planned Parenthood - he went right for the Trojans. I round the corner and see a pile of gold foil wrappers mangled and full of dog slobber on the living room rug. What an A-Hole. He is so nasty. Brandon and I had one of those full circle talks today - starts out alright, goes to shit, then you find the way home again. These talks don't scare me so much anymore - I have found that when we're in the part where we don't know what to say to make it better, instead of panicking, I trust that things will work out. I think marriage is settling in. Speaking of panicing, I am out of my Buspirone. I would like to stop taking it - it's expensive, and I didn't really want to be on it to begin with. Plus, anxiety disorders are so common these days, I am starting to doubt if I even have one, thinking that it might just be an easy way to get me to give money to pharmaceutical companies or something. It's like depression or ADHD - maybe people really do suffer from these things, maybe it's a cultural epidemic, or maybe it's just that so many people are starting to be diagnosed that we trick ourselves into thinking it's worse than it really is just because the disorders exist? I don't know. In any event, I'd like to get off the meds - but I also don't want to worry about Brandon being shot, hit by a drunk driver, trapped in a burning building, etc. all day when I could be writing my book or making granola, or anything that isn't worrying about random and unlikely tragedies I can't control. A side note: While talking with my mom yesterday, she was telling me about the slight embarrassment she felt when confessing to her employer that against all of her better jugement, she had gotten involved with a married man and ended up 'busting up a marraige'. Her boss just said, "Oh, hell, I've done that. I say if you can do that it -needs- bustin up." I love that. Mom also said that she thinks that animal rights will be a big thing within the next few decades and that I might have a really good jump on this book idea. It might be obscure now, but in the near future, her guess is that a lot of people will want to read it. Thanks for the words of encouragement mom. :) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 27th, 2005
5:35 pm	books I like Whenever someone asks me what my favorites books or authors are, I never know what to say. Most books I read don't stick with me, and I'm sorry to say that I am horrible when it comes to remembering the names of authors. Truly awful. However, I can say that I have really enjoyed Stephen Kings memoir "On Writing". It's well written, speaks to me personally, and there are parts I find genuinely amusing. I reccommend it. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
9:21 am	we create our own reality This morning has really sucked. Brandon is upset, I got to the gym only to discover that I had forgotten my shorts and had to turn right around and come home. The pharmacy isn't open yet, and I have to work at 1pm. Ick. I got together with Brian Houska yesterday to talk about writing. Sometimes it pays to ask for what you want. I know that I want to write 'the book' but I have been stuck as to how to begin or how to go about doing so. We're going to try something new - a deadline. The missing of which will result in us having to buy the other lunch. As broke as we are, this is some pretty strong incentive. He gave me some advice, if you can all it that. It was more like he threw some ideas out that I have agreed to try. He said that rather than focusing on one chapter at a time, or worrying about how it will br broken up, that I should just write what's there to write. Tell the story (like Stephen King advises in his memoir) and let that lead me. My reluctance to do this stems from my not wanting to have 300 pages of messy stuff to sort through and organize. Sounds like a nightmare. I'm not writing fiction, so it's not like I have a chronological order or a story line to guide me through the process. It's all a jumbled mess of ideas, feelings, anecdotes, and ideas. That's why it's been intimidating to start, and nearly impossible to follow. I can't gage where I am in the process and it drives me nuts - being the extremely sequential person that I am. In other news, I'm feeling pretty physically fit today. A little anxious about not having made it to my spinning class - but I'll live. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
12:10 pm	afraid to take a break I'm caught in a space of uncertainty and hesitation. I don't know if I can trust my own brain - my own judge\ments. I purged on Sunday, after everyone left from our potluck. Brandon was on the phone with his mom and I was obsessing about the chocolate cake I had eaten. I have never been so determined and unafraid to make myself throw up before. Even at Hamline, I sort of knew the bulimia was a cover up - it was a tool I was using to deal with other stress. This wasn't about anything other than erasing a mistake I had made. I got to comfortable and I lost track and ate too much. I figured it would be easier to make myself vomit rather than spend a lot of extra time at the gym. I figured the sugar, oils, and refined flours would slow me down and make my work out suffer - and I have already been struggling enough as it is. I didn't want to risk the calories sticking to me and I have been working so hard to get slim. It wasn't desperate at all. It was very rational, just like the last couple of times I have cut myself. I go into the bathroom, tell myself that this is what I need to do to feel better (cut, purge) and I do it. No drama, just get right to it. No need to worry about hiding too much or use it as a tool for getting attention - it just makes sense. I asked a group fitness instructor about rest days because I have been worried about taking them, and worried that not taking them could result in me falling off the fitness bandwagon. I'm scared that if I don't workout for a day that I will have lost an opportunity to get my metabolism up, or burn some calories, or get my body to produce that hormone that supprsesses appetite. I worry that rest days are lazy days and it means that I won't continue with exercise. I worry that I'll lose my stamina or strength or something. Brandon tells me that your body can't handle continuous stress like I've been giving mine, and that if I don't take breaks I'm going to end up weaker rather than stronger. I don't want that either. I've been thinking about all of this and I'm scared. I like what I've done with my body. I like knowing that I've gotten stronger and thinner and I'm more confident because of it - but it also makes me really afraid to go back. I'm afraid I'll lose it. I know that I have followed so much of the advice that's floating around in the world - set up goals, have support from my family, joined an exercise group... there are lots of ways I have recreated my lifestyle to support a healthier way of life - but I'm still scared. I don't want to be afraid to eat. I don't want to be obsessed with my routine and anxious if I miss a day at the gym. I want balance - I want health and vitality. I want peace in my mind and heart and health in my brain and body. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
9:28 am	"I thought the world needed love and a steady hand..." "...If I wrote you, you would know me, and you would not write me again... Well you know the way I went was not the way I'd planned, but I thought the world needed love and a steady hand. And so I'm steady now." - Dar Williams I have thought about this line so many times - how it seems to make so much sense. We see what the world needs, we see the holes, the missings, the voids - and we resolve to fill them in, to fill them up. But we can only do so much filling without being filled up ourselves. If the world needs a steady hand, and we live in the world, it's terribly difficult to sustain that stability. I can do it for short stints, and then I lose my footing. It is true that it is fulfilling to be a source for love and kindness, but we cannot be the only source. We need to feel connected and supported by something larger than our selves - whether it's God, friends, family, or whatever combination of support works best for you. We cannot expect ourselves to be the perfect example all the time - to be responsible for fixing everything that we see broken in the world. This leads to guilt, self loathing, and shame. Guilt and anger are not going to help you heal the world, they will only serve to destroy your belief that you can make a difference. It's funny how emotions can make the same things look different. Hopeful or hopeless. Exciting or impossible. A challenge that you will grow through, or the end of the road. But, at least for me, it seems that the times when life makes sense is when things are not appearing impossible. It's the moments when possibility is alive that feel authentic. Michael finally resorted to an old shrink trick with me and just told me to try self-talk. He knows I hate corny stuff, like breathing exercises for example - don't even get me started - but I was s desperate about whatever it was that I was ready to try anything. I pulled out every trick I could think of, including the self talk, and for some reason it stuck. It's a crazy trick I am able to play on my brain sometimes. Just start acting as if things are looking up, as if life is about to offer up an opportunity you can't refuse, and soon you'll start looking for that opportunity. This helps you tune into the positive parts of life, looking in unusual places for the gift life is about to give you, and you'll start to discover them. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 7th, 2005
1:02 pm	Max is turning into a better dog Max has been really good lately. We don't give him enough credit. He's been sleeping in his beagle bed, hanging out in the IKEA bed at my feet while I write for the past couple of days, being fairly quiet and calm. He's also started really enjoying the lovin' he gets. When I reach over to scratch him behind the ears, or pet him on the head, he looks at me like he likes it. He's even started coming over to get 'butt scritches' all on his own (he backs his rear end into my leg, knee, and starts rubbing until I take the hint). I think setting some serious boundaries with him has helped him relax a little, in an odd sort of way. (Comment on this)
12:30 pm	mysteries of popcorn Why do some kernels never pop? There are always a couple knocking around in the bottom of the popcorn popper that just refuse to pop - until I unplug the machine and thenone or two always explode. I swear it's like they're waiting for me to unplug it. I'm in a serious popcorn phase. I was having two buckets for lunch everyday for weeks - but now I have one bucket with lunch. I have a hand-me-down gallon ice cream bucket with a red plastic handle and purple stars all over it. Perfect for popcorn. Usually I use hot sauce and salt (not too much, though) for seasoning, but occasionally I'll use nutritional yeast. Ladies gotta be mindul of the yeast though - that's a dangerous addiction for the women. I'd love to find a way to get chili powder to stick, but the air popper, while healthier, poses some challenges for the adventurous palet. I think my mind plays tricks with me when it comes to writing. it's been three days that I have thought "you can tackle writing about envy - there's nothing to be scared of. It's a human emotion, most people struggle with it at some point. You're brave - lay it out there. Expose that shameful part that everyone longs to have named." I tell myself it will bring releif if I just stick with it, admit it, forgive myself for feeling it sometimes. Recognize that avoiding the confrontation is allowing the envy to gnaw away at the parts of me I want to strengthen: compassion, confidence, joy felt for others' successes and triumphs. Envy tricks you. It's the voice that pits you against someone else. You against them. But that is not so. Envy only requires one person. One person with a lot of pride. (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 6th, 2005
5:08 pm	Thoughts for the book There is no question that strategy has everything to do with effectivness. However, there is also no question that feelings and emotions have everything to do with how effective you will be as well. There can be times when you might be bale to chage your feelings that are keeping you from being as effective as possible – and there are times when you will need to change your course of action to better accommodate the feelings that you're having. For example, right now, I am feeling more introverted and like I need to have a little more control in my life. I am not in a place where I am ready to go out on street corners and be a representative for the animals. I know leafleting is an easy, even boring, way to save animals, but right now it seems hard and it raises feelings of anxiety and dread when I think about it. I don't think that my current attitude about leafleting will stick – I'm sure I will pull out of it when other circumstances in ym life change – but for the time being, I am not up for it. I know that my inability to deal with Greg and Ramona have quite a bit to do with my not wanting to volunteer so much with CAA right now. I have tried working with them several times, and I am just not up for it. Maybe I need to do some more spiritual work on my own and look at what it is that keeps me upset with them – jealousy, envy, bitterness... all of the ugly stuff that I don't like to acknowledge. The stuff I really don't want to look at. (Comment on this)
12:45 pm	writing, running, and activism I may be headed for a spiritual sandpit. If I knew enough about golf, I could make this metaphor more powerful, but all I know is if I'm not careful, I could get myself into an awful tough spot. I fancy myself a pretty honest person - but any honest person will tell you that they're not totally honest. I've been taking some shortcuts lately with my words, using justifications to smooth things over for the time being so I can avoid confronting the meaning driving my actions. I don't really know what they look like, but I know my motives need a makeover. Human beings seem to have a particular weakness for getting into trouble in the area of relationships. I'm not just talking romance here - I'm talking all kind of relationships: co-workers, family, friends, aquaintances. Listening to the radio while I write... this song came on: "I've been hittin' some hard travelin', Lord." While the singer is talking about trucks and steel working, the words mean something different to me. It's like life has been throwing me curve balls for years and suddenly I'm getting the fast ones (whatever they're called) - just when I was starting to get good at the curve balls. (What's up with all of my sports metaphors today? Is it the Super Bowl?) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
11:44 am	I love peas from a can We all have things we like that we're just a little embarrassed to admit. I love canned peas. Now you know. Just got back from the gym - took a spinning class with Kofi today, never taken one of his classes before. Man, he works you hard. The thing about it, though, is that I didn't resent him for it. He knew when we were faking - he'd say kick it up a natch, say it again, and then say 'no, really guys, kick it up!". That's the kind of coach I'd like to have. Took a sauna afterward for nearly 15 minutes. I wonder how often you're 'supposed' to take those, and what they really truly do for you. I have heard it's good for the skin, good for the immune system, good for the soul - but I don't really know what benefit I get from it. I figure it's an easy way for me to take extra advantage of my gym membership without having to think too hard. Been e mailing with Chris from team Vegan in Boston - the vegan adventure racing team. We're so excited to have found each other's groups - and we're all excited about teaming up and expanding the message or whatever - but damn, his posse sounds tough! I asked about how to prepare for an adventure race, and he was saying that training would include working up to a 50 mile mountain bike ride, 20 mile run, etc... just saying if like it's no big thang. I'm afraid to run a 5K - I don't even know where to begin with 20 miles. That's nuts. But, in an odd way, it makes me feel empowered to have such high goals. I guess I should say that it would make me feel empowered if I declared them as my goals, but I'm sticking with a 10K for my current goal... we'll see how things pan out. (Comment on this)
Monday, January 31st, 2005
1:07 pm	Restless I can feel that it's time to write - I have things simmering inside that I am almost ready to write down, but not quite yet. I keep going to the kitchen and getting a snack - losing my thoughts. I need new habits. It's frustrating not to know if I am sinking into an eating disorder, just being normal, or being completely irresponsible. It's like I can find a justification in any direction I choose. I sometimes get anxious when I can't remember everything I have put in my mouth today - but that shouldn't be too hard, should it? I mean, if a person can't remember what they ate, the list must be too long, which must mean that they have eaten to much. Or could it be that my mind is simply preoccupied with other thoughts, and that if all I had to think about today was what I put in my mouth, I would be bale to rattle the list off - no problem? I was reading through my old paper journals this morning, I saw that nearly a year ago I went to see my doctor about losing weight. I have come a long way in the past year - and I think I carry a lot of mental baggage in the form of fear about putting it back on - letting myself go. I much prefer working out in the morning, it sets a tone for my day - it keeps me away from the kitchen during my peak snacking times. I have been thinking about envy. I know it's what I need to write about - it will be a chapter in my book, but I have the feeling that its just to ugly to look at right now - maybe that's what all the avoidance is about. Avoiding writing, avoiding checking my e amil, avoiding CAA stuff. Avoiding Greg and Ramona. Avoiding shame - from admitting the envy. I am a writer. I am a therapy junkie. I am so good with emotions - emotions are what I do! I'm honest with myself aren't I? Then things creep in, like the resentment I have hidden away about Brandon coming too soon when we have sex. The anger at feeling like my needs aren't met. The bitterness I feel about being married to someone who can't satisfy me... The hurt feelings I didn't want to admit when he didn't get a Christmas present for me. I wanted to be nice, not appear selfish. No, I didn't want to be selfish. It's more than appearances. In my core, I really don't want to be petty, envious, selfish, and angry about things that 'shouldn't' matter so much. (Comment on this)