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faustine guggenheim-astin
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[Jun. 6th, 2006|10:26 am] |
hallo everbodies, my brother sweet ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) _ruprecht_ wishes to communicate to sweetest mikeymoz,
"Glückwunsch zum Happy Burthdays !!!" |
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[May. 8th, 2006|03:36 pm] |
greetingks to alle. these typings are being made in the manager's office at Bed, Bath, Above, & Beyond here in brussels where sean and i have gained employments. sean is workings as muscular and fat stockboi and lovely faustine (and new-tymes gal pal suzi whang!) has been promoteds to salesfloor consultante for the toto neorest line of hygienicke and sanitary toilettes. please to put your anus on one and push out your inside brown shamings for our automatischer perfume atomizer shall cancel the scents of your bowels with replacings of florals and musks, depending on customers preferencings of course very much.
suzi says, "press this buttons and your butthole will suffer no itchings
and all peanuts and siroopenwaffel residue shall be hosed away
into your hygienicke toilette bowls lickity split!"
i must be quick because our manager hannes will again taunt me with sweete rapings of sean if i am caught on his macbook pro. i must invite all sweet friends to the weddingses of sweet kanselle and kyle to be held soons at the rivingtons hotel in far away america. please come but do not tell sweet _ruprecht_, for the wraths of my brother are boundlesse.
oh no, hannes approaches and i am trapped in his office. i loosen the bindings on my Bed, Bath, Above, & Beyond-issued dirndl and wait for him... |
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[Jun. 3rd, 2005|06:21 pm] |
ooh, sweet miss no_pants_island has the askings for me to do this:
what are your 6 favorite songs at the moment?
1. it's like sin y'all by dj freddy, king of pants.
2. your new album sucks by first person shooter.
3. love, thy will be done by martika.
4. the sloshing sounds of sean's nightly gangbangings by large dark men at the homelesse schelter.
5. the thong song by sisqo.
6. golden shower by taste of sugar.
tag 6 people to do this.
1. mikeymoz
2. gordonlamb
3. kylekool
4. nayrb7
5. captainupa
6. technobutcher |
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[Mar. 20th, 2005|01:08 pm] |
many thanx to sweet mikeymoz for bringing along me and sean and _ruprecht_ and claude as human shields for his group of merry students on their recent voyagings to central asia.
here is sweet mikeymoz and me with an afghani hobbit named golnaz and his starving children. golanz's wife was killed by a land mine six weeks ago, and since such times his children have nursed from the ample teats of the nanny goat standing behind them. the children called me "splarbfark," the afghani word for goat. they tried nursing from me one evening, but they quickly stopped when one child's lips and tongue burst into flames. they then turned their attentions towards poor mikeymoz, whose american fun-times sexy blue jeans were always damp with spittle from unsuccessful sucklings attempts.
here claude stops trafficke in downtown kabul. claude fulfilled his belgian military obligation by volunteering for a belgian tank unit during our stay. it made me and sweet brother _ruprecht_ so proud to see claude working with the tanks, for it reminded us of our grandpapi hohenzoellern, who - plucked from a cabaret in dresden in 1938 - became commandant of the first transgendered panzer division during the glorious nazizeit.
fun-time campings on the beach in dubai in our galliano yurt! mikeymoz, his libidinous friend, and sweet _ruprecht_ forage for jewels hidden in the sands.
here is me, _faustine_, about to board the plane for home in dubai.
much merriment and sexual good times goat xxx-plosions were had on our trip, with only one death to report - sean beheaded a british aid worker in kabul one night after becoming confused and thinking that the man was a british AIDS worker in kabul to spread the new fun-times super HIV to the afghani gays. sean was sentenced to a stoning for his crime, and many rocks were hurled but sean's sexy lard-times fat body deflected them and soon his punishers gave up.
we are much happy to be back in our homelesse washingtons, dc shelter, and we will write again soons! |
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| sean now has a size 44 anus... |
[Sep. 2nd, 2004|01:53 pm] |
recent monetary beleaguerments have imposed a vagabond-like existence upon myself, sean, and our dead baby girl chris howe. although sean's hobbit money has dried up, his shire sauce has not - a fact which landed me a low-paying but much needed job with the polyphonic spree: in return for nightly lovemakings with sean, the group's lead singer granted me a spot in the chorus. during our six weeks of touring with the polyphonic spree, our darling dead baby girl chris howe was forced to witness repeated gangbangings of her father by the entire band.
 
thrice gangbanged by fellow chorus members myself, i broke off the arrangement and fled with sean and chris howe to new york after our performance at the mtv video music awards in miami. currently in manhattan we have taken up residencings at the lovely and abandoned home of mikeymoz. newly invigorated by many days' feasting upon mikeymoz's siroopwaffeln and homemade protein shakes as well as popeye's leftovers brought to us by nayrb7 (who was kind enough to teach our dead baby girl chris howe how to vogue and who showed sean what it feels like for a girl), my vagabond family is now primed for a transatlantic crossing. i shall post again once we reach european shores. |
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| the nightmare is over... |
[Jun. 25th, 2004|07:30 am] |
thanks in part to bluejayway (who suggested that sean send a rope down the commode to fetch me) and to mikeymoz (who sent pocket uzi's with which i slew the diaphanous kimmy gibbler ghost-mantis), i have been rescued from the beyond. while a prisoner of the next dimension, i gave birth to an unusually large yet beautiful dead baby girl. i will name her chris howe...
( scenes from the dramatic rescue )
my baby, sean, and i are recovering well and exploring options for relocating from simi valley. this was a terrible mistake. thanks to all for your well wishings and guns. |
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| our haus, in the middle of our shriek... |
[Jun. 18th, 2004|04:07 pm] |
life in simi valley has not been the idyll sean and i had hoped for. disturbances in our new home haunt our newfound domesticity: lights flicker, iridescent fogs billow from closets, strange voices emanate from unplugged stereo speakers. it is not entirely dissimilar to a night at klub boofenhaus back home. these disturbances occur mostly at night...mostly.
 
claude and _ruprecht_ have become quite skittish and easily alarmed, having obtained employment as greeters at the ronald w. reagan presidential library around the corner in order to limit their time here at the haus.
i have become strangely fascinated with television of late. often i awake to find myself sitting indian-style in my nightgown in front of a static television with my face pressed against the screen...
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| haus... |
[Jun. 3rd, 2004|10:08 pm] |
thanks to arrangements by mikeymoz, sean and i shall be featured in an upcoming episode of House Hunters on the HGTV channel of american cable television. the show's asian-american hollywood host, suzanne whang, remarked upon meeting us that sean's recent weight loss suited him well. she was later ignited during a walk-through at one of the homes we toured.
dear claude has promised ms. whang his olivier theyskens human flesh leotard for the skin grafts she will require. despite ms. whang's accident, the filming of our episode concluded yesterday, after our offer on a charming neo-traditional 3 bedroom 1.5 bath home in simi valley was accepted by the seller:
our move-in date is this saturday, and we are looking forward to starting a wonderful new life together in sunny california. now that our european troubles are behind us, sean's forced feedings and intravenous margarine infusions shall resume shortly. |
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| going underground... |
[Jun. 3rd, 2004|05:44 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | what's luv - fat joe featuring ashanti | ] |
now that sean and i have relocated to the california of united states, we are subject to american laws prohibiting slavery, druggings, and general scandalousness. please to ask for reassignment as friend status in order to read friends only postings...
love,
faustine |
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| safe... |
[May. 27th, 2004|09:10 pm] |
after toiling for many days in the scheißwein vineyards on the outskirts of fotzheim, we have finally earned enough money for our journey into holland and the relative safety of the hague.
 
many bribes were applied to ensure our safe passage out of germany, undetected by jiang and the others. due to the schwarzwald's limited dietary offerings and scheißwein's cathartic properties, sean has lost 30 kilos. he will not speak to me because i offered him up to the border guards in belgium, who exacted a flesh tithe (a common belgian custom) before conducting us across the border.
hopefully, sean will resume communications with me soon, as we shall be voyaging tomorrow to the united states, where we have an appointment with a real estate agent to go house hunting in california. |
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| black forest blues... |
[May. 18th, 2004|07:48 pm] |
sean, ruprecht, claude, and i have settled into exile in the black forest. we have fashioned a yurt from claude's john galliano pret-a-porter hoop dress and have managed to stay warm during these chilly south german nachts.
 
the forest is crawling with jiang and her spies by day, forcing us to remain secluded in our yurt. disguised in my gollum mask and dior mukluks, i have made many clandestine trips into the nearby village of fotzheim after nightfall to gather supplies. the villagers suspect nothing.
 
due to a combination of post-traumatic stress disorder, intense fear, the local scheißwein, and amebic dysentery, sean has regressed and become nonverbal and incontinent. the interior of the yurt smells like a nordrhein scheißwharf.
p.s. a big belgian shout-out to mikeymoz for airdropping hot apple blast enema supplies and delicious american cigarettes from his cgi jet. |
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| belgium or burst... |
[May. 10th, 2004|05:53 pm] |
propelled by day-old residua from our hot apple blast enemas and under cover of darkness, sean, ruprecht, claude, and i escaped from ruprecht's castle-cum-chamber of horrors last night while jiang and our other captors slept. we have made our way north out of switzerland into the black forest where we now rest. servantless save for claude, we are cold, alone, afraid, and unattended.
more transmissions will follow once we reach the safety of the hague. |
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| slave rebellion in zürich... |
[May. 8th, 2004|11:31 am] |
led by my dear brother ruprecht's chambermaid jiang:
the slaves have staged a mini-revolt. portia de rossi peppersprayed me, and now all i can see is:
the slaves have locked themselves in the oubliette with sean. his screams resonate through the schloss and blister my soul. i fear for his safety.
this may be our last visit to switzerland. |
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| help... |
[May. 2nd, 2004|10:57 am] |
to my american friends, i request your assistance.
due to a recent dengue fever outbreak, the caribou coffee here in rotterdam is slated to close its doors. sean and i now have no way to procure supplies for our hot apple blast enemas.
please to send supplies from USA posthaste.
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| if your computer monitor is a rockin'... |
[Apr. 27th, 2004|10:06 pm] |
don't come a knockin'...
smack my sean up.
*photo courtesy the faustine retina-cam. |
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| i have been raped, and i am pregnant... |
[Apr. 24th, 2004|03:50 pm] |
once again, pills have ruined me...
these images were captured on the retina-cam i had installed at a swiss clinic last week. thank you, ruprecht, for making the appointment for me.
 
sean took the pills we obtained in hong kong.
 
he became at once angered and afflicted.
 
i played an acen cd, and he became subdued and moist. then he entered me.
damn him. if our baby is born dead, it will be called chris howe. |
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| hong kong emergency room... |
[Apr. 11th, 2004|01:50 pm] |
greetings from hong kong.
some of you may know this already, as the chinese nightclub press is having a field day with it:
last night, during some benadryl-induced role-playing ribaldry, i was temporarily asphyxiated after the nose holes of my gollum mask became clogged with sean's shire sauce.
although i was oxygen-deprived for approximately 45 minutes before sean realized i was unconscious, the doctors at kowloon general hospital said that i should regain sensation in the left side of my body by the end of the week.
sean, the slaves, and i will be returning to rotterdam tomorrow. it has been a harrowing weekend. |
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