I had a dream last night.

I was in a field of flowers, their rich bouquet drifting skyward and curling up my nose. I sat in the sweet, sweet grass and saw my life for all it was, and all it is, and for all that it will ever be. It's not that I've recovered my powers of premonition, but rather, it was like being in a wide and empty place, where time had tumbled down. There was no pain in this place, and no petty jealousies or frantic fears that chased me at home. A brook ran through this paradise, and wrapped around a tree. Leaves gently floated from the canopy, and into the flowing, cool water. Picking up the leaves, I saw that each was a memory. I would pick one up and reminisce in its beauty, or remember somberly its pain. After reflecting for a moment, the leaf would crumble to ash in my hand, and I would turn to the next. It went this way for hours, but the sun never changed positions. It was the early dawn for hours, as I held each leaf in my hand, and felt its life drift away from me. And then there were no leaves left for me to hold. I had reviewed everything there was that I have ever known. Arguing over Barbies. Kissing under the bleachers. Getting a B plus on a final. Running from home. Coming home again. Discovering our powers. Wanting them. Hating them. Hating each other. Loving. Meeting Cole. Becoming a dark Queen. Carrying a child. Losing him. Finding Cole again. Pain. Joy. Betrayal. Truth. I remembered it all. I was there in every moment, just as every moment had stayed in me. I turned my eyes to the barren tree and smiled in sadness. The branches caught aflame and tumbled to the ground into a smoldering pile of ash. I looked on in confusion, feeling helpless in the radiating heat. The sun rose and fell and started to come up again, and I eventually fell into a slumber on the side of the brook's bank. When I arose, a seedling tree stood where the ashes had been. Buds sprang from every branch, memories waiting to be felt and experienced. I smoothed the ashes around the trunk of the tree, the memories of the burnt leaves would feed those which were to come. I wandered back into the sweet, sweet grass until I could see nothing but flowers in every direction. I fell on my back and laughed unblinkingly into the rising sun.

And then I woke up.
I wondered what it meant.

I spent the day in quiet, reflecting over why this dream had come to me. The symbols came to hold significance as the day wore on and as I drifted through my endless pots of Yogi tea. I've come to an impasse in my life. I've let so much more into my life than I ever have intended that I feel like I missed a big piece of the Phoebe puzzle somewhere along the way. I drifted down paths that I never wanted to drift down, and I ended up in places that didn't quite make sense to me. I let negativity seep in and I let sisterly duties seep out, and I focused entirely too much on the wrong things. I suppose that's why my tree burned down. It's time for me to get back to where I was supposed to be. I've tried to be so many things. I rebelled in high school because the path of least resistance felt like the path most likely to choke me. And I ran away because when the going got tough, I thought that the tough got going...out the door. When I received my powers, I threw myself into it so fully that I lost myself in the search for the meaning behind it all. I was never satisfied with what I had because I wanted to be the Best Witch that I could be. I kept running from reality in order to find what could be.
My lesson unlearned, still, I let myself be swayed over into the dark pit of despairing evil, overriding my every sense of rightness because I was swept into the romantic notion that loyalty was the greatest mark of an eternal love. I was wrong. Love isn't looking deeply into each other's eyes, but it's looking outward in the same direction. I missed that before, and when I finally tasted the darkness of ashes in my mouth, I had to make my heart a stone and lash outwards to feel okay with coming back from the edge. I thought that I could have really been happy being in that relationship at that time, at any cost, but I found that dwelling in that dark and mysterious place was nothing but smoke and mirrors with no depth whatsoever. It was when I emerged from that period and embraced my Charmed destiny that I was finally ready to try love again. This time, we were neither light nor dark. We both had our faults and we both did the best we could to make it work. I don't think I could have loved anymore if I had opened my rib cage and let my heart expand. I gave myself fully and never regretted it, because it was reciprocated and present. But then, too, I had more growing up to do and still I do. I lost myself in the most ridiculous of insecurities. I lost my ability to trust in my partner, to forgive and to have faith. I felt threatened in the presence of nothingness. I lost so much over something that I never had any reason to, because I couldn't grow up enough to realize that I was in the front seat. I was the present. I was the beloved. I couldn't understand that because there was always a voice in the back of my mind, nagging, pinching, and pulling. It's time I pull free of that, however. I want my heart free for him so that I can let this new tree bloom.
Even in my sisterly bonds, I let them fade far paler than I ever truly intended because I couldn't sort my feelings out. I felt like I was in the place of doing it on my own, and I spurned that network of support that I knew in the back of my mind would be there for me unconditionally. I neglected my obligations because I didn't understand how to tell my sisters how much I truly love them. Beyond facials and cookie dough and laughter, I love them so much that I don't even have a word for it. My mother's arms were taken from me, and they and Grams were there for me in the next instant, to catch me before I fell, and I never appreciated it. I turned to the pleasures of the flesh to fill the holes inside me that wouldn't fill because Mom died before I got a chance to thank her for bringing me into this world. And so I love them, and I can say it with something other than my voice now. I loved Piper's constant and unerring presence in all things positive and true. I love Prue's moral compass and bravery to live in the face of death. I love Paige's exuberance and passion for life. I want to be a part of that. I want to learn from them like I did when no one was looking. I've only survived this long because they never quit on me. They've refused to let me fall. I want my heart free for them so that I can let this new tree bloom.

I went for a walk a little while ago, and I stopped in a barber shop. I don't know why my feet stopped moving, but they did. I watched the pole spinning, and perhaps I became transfixed. All I know is that I was suddenly in the chair and telling the man with the scissors to start cutting. Shorter and shorter he went, and I kept encouraging him to keep going until there was nothing left. The locks fell to the floor around me and gathered themselves around me. I couldn't look in the mirror, because this sense of nervous and exhilarated thrill was building in the bottom of my stomach. When he finished and removed the cape from about my shoulders, I looked to the floor and saw the pile of hair down around me, like ashes around the tree. I slowly turned the spinning chair around and started laughing unblinkingly at the new woman staring out at me.

I finally felt alive for the first time in a long while.
I wonder what it means.

( Behind the looking glass... )

Current Mood: finished, pleased, happy, excited, and bittersweet. But overall: Open to the next step.
Current Music: Falling is Like This- Ani Di Franco

Everyone's taking a popcorn and bathroom break here at the Manor, so I thought I would peek online to see if the edits to my next column were in my inbox. Alas, no. So, I thought I would just post a quick note while no one is looking about how much I appreciate the love and support that I've been getting after, well...you know. I don't know if I'm dealing with being grounded (Can't fly, so literally. Har har.) either extremely well, or if I'm just surprising everything until it builds up into a postal like murderous rage. I'm banking on it being somewhere in the middle. Anyhow, I'm not going to think about it right now. I'm going to drink my organic root beer and peer mindlessly into the boob tube and its shiny, flashing images.

Paige, I greatly appreciate you taking the time to be with me tomorrow. I could really use a friend, and above all, a sister, to be a listening ear for me. I'll tell you all about how I whined incessantly about the fact that I didn't have an active power. I would recommend that we scry for a hottie for you, but well, I don't want them to take that away from me, too. So we can just look through the Book and think about the good times. And I always have time for a special mommy massage for you, Piper. You think I forgot all that midwivery? Oh, no, girl. I still remember a thing or two about birthing babies. Oh, maybe we could watch Gone with the Wind...

Cole, I was thinking about staying here, tonight. But I don't want to sleep alone. How about you and your big strong manly man arms stay with me for the night. It's been awhile since we spent any time in my old room...

Oh, I smell popcorn...they must be on their way back. Gotta dash.

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Ani DiFranco - Itch

Well, so much for trying to achieve balance in my life. I wasn't doing that as well as I thought I had been.

I don't want to talk about this right now, guys. I can't focus on processing something this big while trying to put on a brave face for you all. I'm confused. Give me the night to just think about what's happened. We can all talk tomorrow, but for now, I just need a little time to myself. I got myself into this mess, and now I need to deal with it. Cole, I hope you don't mind if we don't talk tonight. Hold me, but don't ask questions?

I'm...I'm sorry. I know I said it will be refereshing and all, I'm firmly certain it will be...in the morning. Now, I just need to find out what's left inside of me when you take away the active powers.

You know I love you. All of you. I just...I can't do this. Not right now.

It's funny. In all the time I've been a witch, all I've wanted was more active powers...

Ironic, that.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Blind Side- Melissa Ferrick

Sometimes the frustration of keeping this family together is just too much to bear. I almost miss the days of being a selfish bitch who cared only for myself and for finding pleasure in a hard body. No. that's not true. I really don't miss it. Maybe this is me feeling an over abundance of love after spending a weekend with my lovely sisters. And we're just going to ignore the spider thing. Really, it didn't happen. That's what we're going to tell ourselves, because no good can come of remembering it. So, I will think only of the brilliant idea I had of having Paige orb us over to Philly for the weekend. Why Philly? Well, Prue, being art historian and lover extraordinaire, would love the many many statues. And Paige would, and did enjoy the fact that Philly is home to one of the largest straight and single male populations in America. We didn't see much of her this weekend. I'm So proud. She's really filling my shoes now that I'm a tired and bored married lady. And as for my darling sister Piper, I found a lovely spa write up in a magazine that specializes in treatments during pregnancy. And perhaps, I thought, if we took better care of Piper while she was pregnant, Chris' hair follicles would develop differently. No change so far. Maybe if I rang some bells...Anyway, that's besides the point. I was glad that Prue was able to astrally be with us, because when we popped away to rest by the fountain in Logan Square, and crash a wedding at St. Peter and Paul's Cathedral, it helped that she didn't look like a ghost. I got enough strange looks for my pants as it was. Pardon me if I create national shock if, for once, my pants cover my ass. I didn't think that it would be that big of a deal...
I know what I really need to do now I talk to Cole. It wasn't very karmically proper of me to just not talk to him for days on end. The sun would not smile upon my wishing him the same worry that he caused me. As soon as I post this, he and I really need to talk. Our relationship in general needs a bit of tidying up. We've been...well, we've been distant lately. It has something to do with the fact that I've been focusing so much on trying to make sure that everyone is speaking to everyone else. And I think I'm having a midlife crisis as everything is my life seems to be take and mundane lately. Not that that's bad. It's just different. Sometimes I wish that I had a little bit of that shock factor back. It's not my time anymore, though. Now it's Paige's turn to wonder where she left her pants. I know where my pants are...

Why does that make me sad?

Current Mood: guilty

Okay. I haven't heard from Cole in almost 2 days. And I don't even know where he is. This does not a happy wife make, buddy. Well, two can play that game. If he's going to run off to God knows where with God knows who every time he switches bodies, then, well, he's going to be sleeping on the couch A LOT. I think I'll hide all of the couch pillows before I go out. And maybe I'll scatter thumbtacks on it. Knowing Cole, he's off drinking and smoking and gambling. Oh, I'm fuming. I'M The one who is smoking, buddy. Maybe you should have thought long and hard before taking me back over a year ago. Perhaps you didn't know that would involve actually TELLING YOUR WIFE WHERE THE HELL YOU ARE. And actually spending some time with her. And not DISAPPEARING into the BermudaTriangle for all I know. Oooooo! This makes me so mad. I think I'll go and flagrantly bend the laws of personal gain and go shopping on the cosmic credit card. Because, buddy? I am SO owed. If my knee wasn't a bit sore still, I would KICK you in the head. You know I can. I have the power. That's it, I'm flying to Gucci.

Damn you.

Where are you, you dumb ox? Don't you know I'm worried?

Current Mood: scared

I've spent the last night in a motel. I didn't want to know anyone. Or see anyone. Or touch anyone. So I stayed here.

In the shower.

Scrubbing it off.

I don't want to talk about it.

Cole, come get me.

Current Mood: dirty

YO!

Who be in this building? Someone better DAAAAMN well explain this shit to me and fast. Anyone? There's a disgruntled white lady up in here with a secret and if someone don't start paying some attention to me, I swear to God I will start breaking things. HEY! HEY! Who the hell is in here? Someone better come and explain this shit to me! You hear? I MISS MY PENIS. I will be damned like a mother freakin' son of a bitch if I'm going to go through life in a bra. Granted, I have a damn nice set of them things, but I don't know what to do with them.

WHAT THE FU-

I'm flying. SHIT! I'm flying. Someone get me the hell down. WHITE GIRLS DON'T JUMP, WHITE GIRLS DON'T JUMP! Someone call the cops! They don't know this body, it'll be cool. Get my the HELL down! I'm going to hit the- My ass is aimed at the ceiling. SOMEONE GET THE HELL IN HERE. I am NOT kidding, you pansy-assed mama's boys, someone GET ME DOWN.

This is like a whole bunch of Mary Poppins shit gone to hell in a hand basket. We're definitely all going to die.

Current Mood: enraged
Current Music: The bump of my ass on the damn ceiling.

Okay, so, fuck you, nail polish.

You hearing what I'm saying to you?

Fuck. You. I don't need your ass.

I'm going to Wolfram and Hart. And I'm not wearing any god damned panty hose neither, okay, bitches. I ain't brushing my hair, either. I'm a damn pretty bitch without this goopy shit clogging up my eyes. And to HELL with high heels man. Getting stabbed hurt less than that mess.

Current Mood: cranky

Oh, shit, son.

You do NOT want to know. I say, you do NOT want to know.

I'm a white chick. And I think I just freaked Turner. This is some sort of damn horror movie freakage, we have up in here. I'm going to just slap myself straight up and this is all gonna fade like Puff Daddy into P. Diddy. I am SO going going to sue someone over this.

This is some insanity here, is what this is. They slipped me the wrong shit instead of Tylenol. Oh, malpractice, my ASS. This is not gonna stand.

Who the hell am I? Am I Turner's wife? Wonderful, wonderful. If I'm going to be a chick, it might as well be one who has freaking demons after her all day. This is just some unnecessary drama, here. We're going to be hearing from me in a very angry black man way as soon as I figure how to get this thong underwear off. This floss stuff, man, what's wrong with these chicks?


Oh HELL no. I am NOT having cramps.

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: Some fruity romantic shit. Tell me they didn't get the nasty on...

Hey, Piper. I was thinking that we should have a day of sisterly bonding? What do you think? I've had this jar of herbal remedyness sitting in my fridge for a week now, and well, I don't know if I can assure you that Cole isn't going to eat it. He seems to not read labels. Anyway, I have this whole basket of goodies that I want to bring right on over to my sister momma to be. ; We're going to take such good care of you, sweetheart. Maybe if we give you more TLC, Chris will have better hair in the future (Just kidding, honey). Anyway, Paige if you see this, want to orb me over in the morning? I would love you muchly. I might even have a little aromatherapy mask in here for you, too. And I promise it won't make you invisible. I just miss you guys so much. We need to be more sisterly. I'm the first to admit I've been distant. THis goes out to you, too, Prue, and you know it. Power of....4, yo. Have to love it. Okay, so, Piper...sleep well, and prepare to be pampered, honey. And any P.H.'s desirous of a facial, do come.

Current Mood: flirty