would you lay here for a while?

I suppose some sort of update is in order. Time has been going way too fast and way too much has happened in such a little amount of time.
April had been pretty uneventful...so to speak. AJ and I met on the day my grandfather died. Quite literally - it was our first date and with in 15 minutes of him meeting me at the mall we had to rush to the hospital. My grandfather died 5 minutes after I go there.... The up shot of that, though, is that he's still around and the most wonderful man I've ever met. I don't think I could love him any more - my heart would collapse. So with that being a nice positive in my life, the downside (because there always is one) is that he lives in PA about 70ish miles away. I dont get to see him as often as I would like. Mainly I spend the weekends with him and he'd come to see me during the week at some point if his schedule allows it. I think its very very odd how our lives seem to match up. The car, the living situation, work (I'll get to that) and last relationship seem to have us going 'me too' a lot.

As for work... about 3 weeks or so, AJ's new job decided they wanted to 'cancel his position' leaving him freaked out and worried about his 2week trip to tokyo (i'll get to that). As for how it coincides with my life - I found out about 2 weeks ago that I am being laid off and will be out of work at the end of june. To make matters oh so lovely.... princess will be taking over my job. It's heartbreaking and a kick in the gut but crying about it wont get me a pay check. Hopefully this will be a blessing and it will motivate me to actually search for a job double time. I had been searching since August when they cut my pay in half before.... nothing really surfaced but my sense of urgency wasnt too high, either. On another note... if our lives to follow so closely - he had found a job at a local radio station doing the grave shift on sunday nights. They were so impressed by him they have him doing 'prize patrol' live spots during the day and when he comes back he'll be doing traffic. Being on the radio is all he wants to do - its his dream job. Hopefully the resume that I put in to the advertising company in Philly will be the 'dream job' that I land.

And tokyo.... I dropped him, Jimay and Nate of this morning at about 5am. He's leaving for 2 weeks and I'm just about beside myself that he'd going to be gone. He said he'd email me, and we do Yahoo video chat during the week when we cant see eachother face to face. Since they'll have internet he'll catch me when he wakes up as im going to bed. I know that I'll be able to distract myself with other things to ignore the fact that he isnt in the same country but I hate every second I'm away from him. It's so horrible but I love spending every second with him. He makes me feel content and complete. Its so hard to explain but just laying around watching tv is wonderful. The next two weeks with the ending of work and andy being sick (I'll get to that) will be hard with out him being physically there for me to run to.

We found out earlier in the week that Andy's limp is because of bone cancer. He had been limping for a while and we thought he just pulled a muscle. We took him to the doctors and they found arthritis in his back legs but would have to do an xray for the left shoulder. At first the vet thought it was a pulled tendon. I wish that was the case. He maybe has about a month. When the pain becomes unmanageable is when we will have to put him down. He's been crying, barely moves, and has been very clingy. I really hope he feels a bit better in the next few days because right now things dont look too good.

So in a nut shell... I'm man-less, job-less, and soon to be dog-less. I'd like to think I'm building up 'karma points' to be cashed in at a later date.


I'm waiting


in the meantime, I love this song.
Love and a dress that you made
long to hide your knees
love to say this to your face,
"I'll love you only"
for your days and excitement,
what will you keep for to wear?
someday drawing you different,
may I be weaved in your hair?

Love and some verses you hear
say what you can't say
love to say this in your ear,
"I'll love you that way"
from your changing contentments,
what will you choose for to share?
someday drawing you different,
may I be weaved in your hair?

I think if I feel any more my heart will just about explode.
<3<3<3







......dear god I'm acting like a girl.....

You would think that people would have the common decency to say what they really mean instead of standing people up or completely ignoring them.

Why does this always keep happening to me?

Likes: Raisin Bran

Dislikes: Dating



Likes: Soy Milk

Dislikes: Purple



Likes: Andy

Dislikes: Him waking me up at 3am to get a drink of water



Likes: 70 degree nights

Dislikes: Not having a snow storm this year

I have been really tired lately. I dont know if Im just stressed and frustrated which is in turn causing these depression-like symptoms or is it that Im just really tired and need some rest. The only thing that started to provoke my 'this isnt normal' train of thought is Kathy saying 'maybe you should go to the doctors' and dad, half serious, going 'sounds like depression to me'.

But tomorrow I'm finally going to actually wake up at 6am.... like I've been setting my alarm for the past month. I will not turn it back. I will actually turn it ON. The only person that I'll be letting down is myself. I think it's really sad that I couldnt give two shits whether or not I let myself down - what really matters is who in my life I hurt.

but back to my emotional unrest....

I have a sinking feeling of failure, disgust, frustration, and loneliness. I love my parents, dont get me wrong, but I'm starting to feel a void with the lack of physical contact t- at least now. This lack of physical contact is starting to make me feel very isolated. We dont hug, nor are we really outwardly affectionate in that way. I'm not sure if there is something inside of me building up this wall that tells me that I'm strong and dont need this contact or that I just avoid it because I'm so damn awkward with it.

But with these thoughts of loneliness I start to feel panic and emptiness. I lay on my bed and cry till I fall asleep and then once I wake up everything seems to be okay - like nothing ever happened.

It's like when Im by myself I'm forced to actually sit and have a conversation in my head and really think about what I feel. It's nice to be analytical and try to understand your feelings but the way they trip me up and tangle me is starting to get on my nerves. One of the reasons why I like working every day of the week is so I can continue to hide from what is really bothering me.


My mind is just so all over the place now it is ridiculous....


There was a child who was born to be the one who comforts me
Who grew up strong and brave and holy, loves me rough and tenderly
Can it be understood the reasons why you belong to me?

I need the steady of you and I'd give you anything
That I could cut with sweet precision from beneath my tender skin
There is a way, there is a way that you can save me from this

Would you promise to be kind?
Promise to be kind

The wind is ever faithful and it carves a solemn sword
Right through the hearts of the ungrateful who are always wanting more
There is a way, there is a way that you can help me

With the ramparts built so high
All the soldiers stuck inside
But this will fall away with time
If you promise to be kind
Promise to be kind.

I am way way too excited for April 5th and 6th.

WAY TOO EXCITED

beer. chili. beer. fire. beer. movie. BEER.....beer......and western shirts.

Nikki leaving will make me very very sad. Hopefully I will still have enough of a reason to come out to columbia once i've quit. I would hate to loose the awesomeness that I have found.

beer!!

I really need to go to sleep. I'm just plain hyper right now.

You are such a beautiful mess.

Can we please just start focusing on the 'beautiful' for a while?


lovingly,
yourself

I learned some things today that make me feel better about being an accepting person. I keep telling myself that I'm 110% un-judgemental. That is a lie. No one can be totally free of judgement. As instinct, we size people up in a split second. We constantly judge.

People that I thought I had pegged surprise me. Either they are starting to warm up or I was able to let go of some childish hatred in order to let them close enough for me to see them again. Everything looks so different when it's farther away. Maybe I'm just too sympathetic. I find myself gravitating to people who I feel sorry for, who I would like to fix or help. I like to give the unfriended a chance... so to speak. But today I ended up feeling a bit bad for her, partially because I was such a cold bitch but mostly because of some of the things she was telling me. She's an idiot but I think she means well. All that matters right? Something I need to work on is stop thinking I'm better than other people.

I would really like to grow into a more patient person. I would like to be able to take one day at a time, have better control over my thoughts vs. action and give people more of a chance to prove themselves. Though a give a lot of people the benefit of the doubt - the vast majority I critically eye up.

on another, completely different note - I'm very excited about this weekend.

There are only a select few things that scare me in life. One is being completely alone - emotionally rather than left in a house by myself. The thought of isolation terrifies me because I will be left to my own thoughts and those usually run in circles till they tie me to a tree and left for dead. Another, at the current moment, follows along the same lines as the afore mentioned - I am afraid that I will never find another job. Now I know that I'm being over dramatic about everything, as always, but I watch the news and I see the economy and I'm shitting a bit of a brick. I don't know how much longer I can take my current job with out going insane. I've already gotten physical manifestations of my stress in the means of a cold sore and a locked up shoulder muscle. I know I need to wait and something will break soon but I'm tired of putting blinders on. i would like to know when the world is exploding a little sooner than when it's right in my face ( that is a bit of a dramatic example)

And I am now going to continue to sulk, wonder how I can get my hands on a large sum of cash, or think about going to the movies Monday night after work.

http://imakethemup.tumblr.com/

im moving

How can you tell some one they are about to make a huge mistake when you arent supposed to know what that mistake is.....

Id say that I feel kinda backstabbed if it wasnt for the fact that I feel sorry for what they are about to get themselves into. Some times its really easy to accept lies when they are spoon fed to you.

I really shouldnt care. In all honesty I really really shouldnt care. For some reason I make other peoples business my business and thats where I run into problems.

I was supposed to have plans tonight but they were 'rain check'ed. I'm not going to say that I'm not disapointed - I am very much so - but I understand the reasoning behind it and I completely comend him for being open about it. I dont want to mess things up but taking things too fast.

So instead tonight I'm going to be making cookies and cakes for my holiday gift baskets and trying to remember the last time I had a full nights sleep.

I need to tell myself that I'm not going to think about the past. The past makes me sad and it makes me feel stupid. I need to start opening my eyes and realizing all the wonderful people and things that are in my life and how I can start to reconnect with them again. I need to be able to start enjoying things again. For so long I put my interests on the back burner to cater to everyone elses. How stupid.

I am also going to stop trying to put square pegs in round holes.

and on a random note - I need to make my life not as lame. Step one: find a less sucky job (no s) and move the hell out of here.

I heart chocolates.

It is really funny how things happen. About 6 months from now I would not even dream I was where I am today. If you were to talk to me 6 months ago I would still be in my depressing life with an even more depressing future.

Dark and Dim. Some how I rationalized with in myself that this is what I needed and wanted and for some reason that God only knows I listened. I listened to that stupid voice in my head that tells me every romanticized idea that I have ever conjured ultimately is that - an idea. I let it tell me that this is how things -really- are and that I should be happy and learn to live with it. I have done it in every aspect of my life. I have forced a square peg in a round hole and sat confused and disillusioned when it just didnt work. I told myself that love was nothing like what you see in the movies and the best that I could get was some one who didnt mind my quarks and emotional outbursts and who some-what found me physically attractive. I told myself that I was worth much less that what I really am. I listened. But now things are different. It was like Saul, or Paul, or what ever you want to call him. A flash of light and I could see everything that was or wasnt done (mostly wasnt) and how I shouldnt have to put up with it and 'deal' with constant disappointment.

So, even though my confidence has slowly been starting to build I fear that with looking for a new job and with looking for a few good dates I have found myself questioning my own abilities. I dont look very impressive on paper. There really isnt a professional way to grab some one by the shoulders, shake them and go 'I'm the best damn employee you will ever have. " It is really frustrating. Never did I think that my degree would hinder me. Yes. I would love to do something in my field. I would love even more to be able to pay rent. Therefore - till I can get myself together to work on bags and do some promotions I am content collating papers and answering phones. Mindless work that pays my bills and lets me save money to start my own business. Every interview I go to they ask me the same question about how an art degree makes me qualified to do anything.

As for dating... I have had a few nice nights but that was a month or so ago. The doctor was emotionally unavailable and liked to take my shirt off, the Movie Snob gave me a hug and that was that, The man from Virginia proved to be more of a boy than anything else, and that has been my romantic life so far.

Like putting out applications - putting myself out there is even more frustrating. I feel generally unwanted in almost every aspect of life and I have been trying my damndest to keep my head above water so I can see the bigger picture.

I feel generally unwanted.

I keep trying to remind myself that things will come. I will have an amazing job, and amazing apartment, and a personal life that doesnt consist of hanging out with my mom.

I HAVE A NEW CAAAAARRRRRARARARARAR





and it talks to me o.o

The past few days I've felt like Ive been walking around in a book. I'm a character I dont want to play in a story that feels oddly familiar. I stand there silent with the narator screaming what I just cant say. I've had opportunity. I have had several chances to just let it all out but I have refrained. personal choice? not really. I stand there on the brink to broadcasting it to the whole world but I just ....dont. Im not sure why. I guess I expect everyone to know by now. It was certianly make things easier. I just feel like im in a book.

Now I woudl have to say im more lonely than sad. Even though we didnt really talk all that much the option is still there. I'm finding myself wanting to talk more now that I know we cant. I shouldnt say cant because we can.... I just wont. I dont hate him - if anything he should be angry with me for not really saying anything sooner. I'm worried and upset and frustrated with the present and the future. How sad that my first thought is 'who would ever want me'. By focusing on an apartment. By focusing on a new car. By focusing on a new job - I am pushing out those negative thoughts. I am falling in love with the idea of love again. I had become sufficed with comfortability. I never want to be satisfied with life. I hope I will always want more.

I need to get out of the house. I need to go get some coffee, read a book and just be by myself. You lose a part of yourself when you are with someone for so long. I think I had given up much more than I should have. I tried to put a square peg in a roung hole. I need to find myself again - who I really am - and the comfortability in that. Its almost like a piece of my foundation had been pulled away. I had built my confidence on the lines I was being fed that I dont know how to feed myself. I have my training wheels. I think I'm finally ready to do it alone.

I'm not really bitter. Im disapointed. I think I wasted too much time trying to fix something that didnt want to be fixed.

I think I'd like to meet Pat for coffee Wednesday.

<3

Its horrible how things fall into perspective after something devistating happens. I was going to work. I got a call from JHU about a job interview. Things werent perfect but I as excited. I called mom to see if she wanted to take me 'back to school' shopping so I could get a bitchin new outfit for the interview.

And thats when I found out.

She usually rushes me off the phone so I didnt think anything of it. Then when I found out the reason why was because she was at the hospital and her battery was about to die.... I found out that her best friend - a really really close family friend - just had an Aneurism and it isnt looking good. He isnt dead, they are still running tests. She said it doesnt look good. I have never had anyone close to me die. I have never had anyone close to me have any serious problems. The last time I saw him I was showing him the bags that I did. He happened to be at mom's when I stopped by quickly to pick something up. That was about 2 - 3 weeks ago. It hits you like a ton of bricks. I had to call out of work because I just cant stop crying.

I needed to get some of this out of my head.
I'm going to call Pat now.

Life has just flipped me over a chair and fucked me blind.

My world has gotten smaller and more explosive. With in a week I have experienced the term "re-rental", almost died via escalator, lost an office, lost a boss who I had grown very attached to, and $400. When it rains in pours.

Its almost gotten to the point where its laughable.
That was last week. I'm not going to think about last week. Things have paned out a little bit. The dust has settled at work, and even though I still dont have an office or really a defined job at the moment, I have been able to do ad work for the Admissions department which makes me a little more confident in my graphic design skills. I find myself looking at the calendar counting the days till Pat gets back from California and I can sit and have a cup of coffee with her, show her my new bags, and talk about how the shit has hit the fan. I think she'll be just as shocked as me.

So the current state of things at work seems to be "I dont know". I waited a week I can wait a few more days, but my mind is taking over big time. I have a back up plan, though; just in case I hear those little words "part time" or "after care" or "front office" I know what to do. I just feel ...naked. I guess that would be how I feel. I feel exposed with out an identity. I am more than willing to do what ever I am told to do or what ever I need to do. I function better when I have a job description - that way my over achieving personality can fully work.
The only problem is though, that my new boss sees this as ass kissing rather than niceness and innocent people pleasing.

In the case of my sewing machine, The bobbin decides it wants to eat thread, fabric, and small babies. I need to finish up the straps of the tote and attatch the lining to the outside. It couldnt have started to act up when I first started - it had to wait till I was almost done. This one looks nice too! stupid piece of crap. Ned and I were looking at new ones today. There is one with a $350 price tag that I would kill for. I then realize the new iMac that I'm typing on and the credit card bill for that mother.
I lovingly call her the mother because she kicks Ned's computer's ass :D
not that I compare dicks.

Do you ever just wake up and go "I dont give a shit"? That sort of freeing statement that allows you to be a little more full of it and a little louder than you normally would on any other given day. I wouldnt really call those good days - more so a reflex to a distress.

Thats about where I'm at.

where are you? I really need to talk to you.
well.. not really... I mean... I really need to talk to you but im nervious to talk to you. You know how you get that whole panicky feeling - your torso gets all tingly and your heart sinks.

Thats about how I feel.

I just want to tell you that I lied and I'm sorry that I lied. it was stupid - the lie and the act - and I'm stupid for doing it. i'm stupid for hiding it. I dont want you to worry. I am really not worth worrying about, you know...
There are so many other things in life to worry about
not me




and now you are home and I'm kinda scared...

I want to take it back
I want to take it all back.

I vaugely wish that my life was a movie and I could hit the rewind button and start back to where my life actually started to mean something. I think then I wouldnt be so supprised when I take a look at where I'm at now and wonder what the fuck I'm doing. I wouldnt be so startled that what I had prepared myself for in college actually was supposed to lay the foundation for what the rest of my life would be - not play time.

I feel embarised. I feel sick and worried. Ifeel like I have just made the biggest mistake of my life and there is no way of really learning from it for the "next time". There is no next time. This is life. It is what it is and you make of it what you can. I am left with a pile of lemons and no knowledge of how to make lemonade. My first inclination is to eradicate the mistake - erase it from the history books so no one will see it again. Rip the pages and burn them. What if the mistake is a person? Do you burn them? Rip them into tiny pieces and erase them from your mind? I want to rip into tiny pieces. I want to be erased from everyones mind.

That way no one will ever understand what a horrible mistake I have been.

I find it really funny that I keep saying that Im going to make a regular blog and that I'm going to keep up after it. That never happens.

So I have off today - well.. in the morning that is.. I still have to go to columbia tonight.
I love working at a school because I get the same perks as teachers but dont have to deal with the little kids. I get snow days, and holidays off and the best thing about it is they are jewish holidays so there are plenty more of them than the christian holidays. They are a little more into their faith than when I went to school... but then again I dont remember elementry school and by highschool you start developing a mind of your own. I know how horribly harsh that is but I cant understand educated people being religious. It just blows my mind. (That also isnt to say that anyone who is religious is retarded, I just think they got swept up into the comfort.) To each their own though. I coment some one who has that much faith in something unseen and unproven. I need to look before I leap.

So as before, I feel that Im holding onto my life just barely. I keep trying to stack things till they eventually will topple down. For the most part though I feel like I'm doing an okay job at it... till I get some collection letter from the hospital that I already sent my insurance to, or I get a letter from the leasing office saying that we have to reapply because I got rid of our irrisponsible room mate (we was only on the lease anyway. they didnt give him a credit check, they didnt take his pay stubs. he didnt have a job. we should have had that as a red flag. Sometimes I'm blind as well). I think my problem, though, is that I let the bad things distract me which makes me drop those things I'm stacking. I dont focus on the good things that Im trying to do. I have a good job and a job that I moderately can stand but feel guilty about quiting because he'll be screwed. He pays me well and the evenings are really slow. The only problem is the weekends are horrible because of a 14 hour saturday shift (who the fuck does that ) But liz usually works in the morning and chris in the evening so I atleast have some one to distract me. I'm rambling.

So I'll have a new studio, and I'll be alone with my boyfriend, and we will be getting a cat some time in the near future. Hopefully the new studio space will promote me to actually do work. I've done some in bits and pieces but since we found out he was moving out I havent wanted to do anything untill I got my desk and that spaced figured out....which reminds me I have to clean today.
though things are going pretty well.... some times I feel like running away from home. then I realize that I have no concept of relaxing.

go figure