I GOT MY FIRST CLIENT FAN MAIL!

It read:

Dear Ruth's Boss,

The other day, Ruth waltzed in the courtroom and gave the DA the smackdown. Because of her awesomesauce legal skillz, she went up against The Man and won. You should totes promote her.

Peace Out,
Ruth's Client



...


Okay, it didn't quite read like that at all in fact, but I'm sure that was the main idea. I promptly made a copy for my personnel file and framed the original.

So when my client said he'd "do anything for a dismissal" the other day, I don't think he was expecting me to take him up on that. But he was just so excited that I actually got him a dismissal that he quickly saw what a great idea it would be for him to write a letter to my boss and tell him how awesome I am. And if it had been an obvious dismissal, I probably wouldn't have brought it up at all, but it was a hard sell and at one point I was pretty convinced that the only way to make it go away was an acquittal, and we all know that's not guaranteed. So we were both pleasantly surprised by the dismissal (and so was the guy next to him, who immediately asked for my card). Plus, my probationary period ends in just over a month, and since I'm not this big trial dawg yet, I need to take those boosts where I can. ;)

There are far worse ways to end a Monday night than to watch Maksim Chmerkovskiy dance the Paso Doble. Mmmmm.

And it's a darn good thing my Monday ended on such a good note, because Tuesday sure as hell started as a train wreck. I really need to get better at detecting when people are bullshitting me. I really hate to just assume that everyone is bullshitting me, because that level of cynicism doesn't really jive with my core Pollyanna-like personality. On the other hand, I think that tending to believe people might not be the best thing either.

But the nice part about work is that it doesn't tend to follow me home. So when I opened my mailbox to find DVDs from Amazon, I was able to forget about lying clients and squee about having Season 3 of Supernatural and Book 3 of Avatar all to myself! Thank goodness for geeky pursuits!

So I wasn't really paying too much attention to the state of the economy. I use a local credit union, I work for local government, and with the exception of hurting at the gas pump, I hadn't really felt the pinch or anything.

But I'm thinking that $700 billion has to come from somewhere, and it'll be just my luck that one of the things to get bumped in order to pay for this will be the John R. Justice Act, which was going to rock my world. Not having to make my monthly loan payment was going to do amazing things for my life, like not have to freak out about how I'm going to pay for everything. And now I have this dreaded feeling that Congress isn't going to fund the program. Accordingly, I find myself a little stressed about this whole economy thing for the first time... well, pretty much ever.

Do any of you know of good books or articles on improving your direct examination skillz? Because let me tell you how much I hate direct examination and how much it shows in my general suckiness while attempting it. Um, yeah, I hate it a lot. Granted, it's not like I'm guaranteed to have to do direct every trial, but when I do, I'd like to not suck at it.

Now cross examination... nothing but love. Leading questions are the best thing ever.

One of these days I'll stop taking it personally when my clients don't show up to court.

One of these days I'll realize that if all of my clients were the kind of people who avoided doing things that messed up their lives, I might be out of a job.

One of these days I'll accept that there's only so much I can do and that they have step up and do some of it for themselves, like show up.

One of these days I'll understand that I'm always going to have a client or two who does this; it's not like I can go pick them up and take them to court.



I wish I could also say that one of these days my clients will all realize that it just makes everything worse for them and stop being no-shows, but then I'd have to go back to the second sentence and reread.

Dear Men,

Your lives will be much easier if you'd stop insisting on sleeping with women who want to send you to jail. If your girlfriend calls the police because she's pissed off at you, then this advice applies to you. Break it off and stay far away. You'll appreciate this advice when there is significantly less crazy in your life.

And to the rest of you, don't hit women. Didn't your parents teach you when you were little not to hit girls? That rule doesn't go away when you turn eighteen. Or ever.

You're Welcome,
Ruth

Due to a convenient turn of events including a judges' conference, no court settings, and co-workers with sick and vacation days to spare, I found myself in charge of our intern today. After sending him to get my coffee (and then sending him back because he got my order wrong), I set him to work on my large pile of Stuff To Do When Time Permits, and eventually assigned him all the research I need to do but don't feel like doing. Then I took advantage of my significantly diminished To-Do list by enjoying a three-hour lunch and then leaving early to go visit a crime scene.




*sigh* Of course, seeing as I'm still in my probationary status at work, only 5% of the above statements are actually true. But one can pretend. One can pretend.

I did, however, actually get to assign work for the intern. Which made me feel way more important than I actually am.

My Co-Worker: I always used to leave the box of tampons on the corner of my desk. It sent out a powerful message. Mainly, "Is it really that important or can it wait until next week?"



*snicker*

How sad is it that my understanding of the particle accelerator is primarily due to having read Angels and Demons, which I didn't really like because I'd read it before when it was called The DaVinci Code. But I was reading the article and I was all, "Oh, yeah, that's what the girl's adopted father who was a scientist and priest did and he created antimatter."

And I don't know to be amused or scared by the black hole creation stuff. At first I was amused, but then one of the scientists was all, "Oh, well if one gets made, it will be so small that it will just close up again. It won't have any gravitational pull or anything." But what he didn't say was that it's impossible, so now I'm going to have nightmares of being swallowed up by rogue black holes that just appear in random places, like my office for example. Where first I lose a few paperclips to the black hole, but then it's my phone, and then my computer, and then me.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that just in case we all get swallowed up in a black hole soon, I love you guys, and it's been fun.

Whenever I have a Deceptive Trade Practices case, how come the County Attorney is not interested in my "assumption of the risk" arguments? I think it's a pretty valid argument, quite frankly. When people try to get a deal by hiring their wife's cousin's boyfriend's uncle to install their new hot water heater and they give him a $2000 check up front without having first confirmed that he's licensed and bonded, what do they honestly expect when they never see the guy again? I'm not saying they deserve to be swindled because they don't, but they're practically begging to become victims.

But maybe I'm just annoyed by the whole Deceptive Trade Practices statute. I've seen more than one case where the matter should have been taken up in small claims court but the complaining witness found it easier (and less expensive) to call the police.

In the end, they're actually my favorite cases, if only because I enjoy County Attorney's expression when I say the victim assumed the risk and this is a civil matter. It's a fantastic place to begin negotiations. ;)

Hellfire and Damnation have both enrolled in orchestra this year.

I quickly laid down the following House Rule (prominently displayed on a poster board in the kitchen): ALL VIOLA PRACTICE WILL BE DONE IN YOUR OWN ROOMS WITH THE DOOR CLOSED!

This rule will remain active until they give up music lessons or are accepted to Julliard, whichever comes first.

On the plus side, when the workday is spent almost entirely in the courtroom, the day seems to go by faster. And days spent entirely in office with no court settings are long and boring.

On the minus side, I often leave work with my office in shambles, piles of files waiting to be sorted through, updated, closed, opened, deep fried, or input. And if I try to tidy up by putting them in their places, then I forget to make the necessary updates. And so I leave work just a little more frazzled.

The ideal balance would be mornings spent in court, afternoons spent in office. Sometimes I get those days. Mostly I get random. But at least I don't suffer from having every day look exactly like the one before it.

As far back as I can remember, I knew that I had an older half-brother out there in the world somewhere. I knew the gist of what had happened between my dad and his first wife, knew that in the end my dad had relinquished his parental rights so that my brother could be adopted by his step dad. I also knew that most likely my brother didn't know anything about us.

So for as far back as I can remember, I've wanted to find him, to meet him. When I was really young, I imagined that one day I'd be walking around a crowded city plaza, and someone who looks just a little too much like me would catch my eye. As I got older, my imagination shifted. Instead, I would hire a private investigator, armed only with my brother's name and birth date. We would have a tearful reunion on Oprah, or at the very least, Jerry Springer.

Then in May I found his MySpace page. I sent him a quick message explaining who I was and he wrote back. Then he called my dad and talked to him, and he chatted a bit with my sister online. This week his family is having dinner with my parents (who are currently in his neck of the woods country). It's still been relatively emotional, but without the TV cameras of my dreams. I'm happy to be in touch with him after all these years, but darn it! MySpace totally robbed us of our 15 minutes.

And our chance to meet Oprah.

Or at least that's what my client told me the other day. To my face.

I handled the whole being-told-to-my-face-that-I-suck-at-my-job thing pretty well, I think. I refrained from reminding him that he has the right to represent himself, and when he told me that he didn't want to come across as an asshole, I stopped myself before saying, "Too late, buddy." Even when he said something along the lines of "I'm sure you'll get better once you've had more training," I just nodded and told him that I understood. I was the model of professionalism.*

All of this came about, I suspect, because he didn't like that I was friendly with the ADAs in one of my courts. (I'm friendly with the ADAs in all of my courts, for the record.) I suppose he thought that because they were going after him, I should take it as a personal affront and accordingly treat them like the a-holes they must be? Nevermind that having a good working relationship with The State could maybe possibly be better for my clients than if I had a bad working relationship with them. Maybe I only think that way because I haven't had enough training, though, so ask me again in a few months.

*sigh* Of course, this all came about after I'd busted my butt doing stuff to make sure things could go as smoothly for him as possible. I think he's just one of those who think I'm not doing my job right if I can't wave a magic wand and make all the problems go away. I hear you get one of those every now and again.


* And to continue my professional behavior, I've changed the details so as to not give away my client. The general theme of my suckiness was there in his words though.

I frequently check the news to see if the clients of my office are mentioned. Some of my colleagues have the high-profile cases, and I find it interesting to see what the media has to say. I wondered how long I'd be with the office before I had a case that got media coverage.

Apparently not long.

Unfortunately the newspaper got several facts wrong, but I've really come to expect that from this paper. On the bright side, it didn't mention my name, because I'd hate for my future clients to associate me with letting my client get 4 years of "prison" on "one count" of a misdemeanor. Ugh. Not really worth a letter to the editor, though, despite how RONG they were. And if they're allowed to read newspapers in jail, then my poor client is probably freaking out wondering when they're going to come away to take him to "prison" when I told him he would not be going to TDC. Looks like a client visit is in my immediate future.


Despite all that, I'm totally cutting out the article for my Baby Lawyer's First Year scrapbook. Maybe if I get into better shape, the next reporter will feel inclined to mention the "attractive" and "highly intelligent" defense attorney. Yes.

Oh, joyous day!

Now I just have to get my mail key, new back door, and new sliding glass doors for the bathtub, and there will be significantly less stress in my life.

And now, dear readers, I have a pressing question that I've been waiting like three weeks to answer.

Which of the following, if any, aren't completely unacceptable in court?

-- Wearing jeans (nice ones, ironed, no holes, still wearing a coat or blazer).
-- Cracking your knuckles.
-- Cracking jokes.

Sorry to revamp the AC and then disappear. In fact, I have lots of stuff I want to post, but no internet at home to do it with. All posts have been from my quick trips to the parents' house. Once I get some intrawebs in the new hizzy, I'll be able to post more regularly.

I recently had a state jail felony burg of a building + evading case with facts that were really good for me my client. Because of the way things went down, the state was already expecting my argument, so it wasn't hard to get it fixed so that we'd plead to misdemeanor trespass/drop the evading. In fact, as soon as I explained which case it was, the state was already ready with the offer.

I walk back out and tell my client, "Okay, I've talked to the state, and they agreed to drop it down to a misdemeanor criminal trespass and they'll dismiss the evading charge." I gave him the time rec, which was good considering his record.

My client blinks, slowly processing what I've said. "So... I won't have a felony. I don't have to go to TDC?"

"Exactly. All misdemeanor stuff."

Understanding washes over his face, and he smiles with relief, shaking my hand. I tell him I'll be right back with the plea papers. Before I go, the inmate next to him leans toward me.

"Um, excuse, ma'am. Can you represent me?"


Ah, if only all my cases went so smoothly...

That hearing I thought I might have over-prepared for? Yeah. Got my butt kicked. Not for being under-prepared, at least. It was just clear early on that the judge wasn't going to see things my way and there was little I was going to be able to do about it. I took way too much pleasure in cross examination, though. I can easily see myself becoming addicted to contested hearings. They don't have to be trials. Anything where I get to cross examine someone will do. If the witness is a jerk, even better.

In other milestones, I've now had my first DA lie to me. Luckily it happened in a way where it didn't totally screw me or my client, so I was able to learn the lesson without any real bitterness. I'll never let on that it even bothered me, but I will also secretly never take his word again for anything. Ever. His word is dead to me. If he promises the sky is blue, I'll double check just to be sure.

Lastly, I. Hate. Moving. Hate it. I'm so traumatized that some nights I lie awake, trying to pretend that the boxes won't be there in the morning, taunting me with their eternally unpacked status. I have nightmares where I'm moving again several years later, and I find boxes in the garage that I never got around to unpacking. I'm also quite annoyed that this is the second Summer Olympics where I've been without cable. Thank goodness NBC is showing the men's swimming finals in prime time. I'll just be sure to program the parent's DVR to catch everything else and I'll catch up over Sunday night dinner.

So... what are you guys doing for bar trips? I suppose if it's anything fun and you've already left, then you won't be able to answer. But I'm curious nonetheless.