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cassieclaire: The Very Secret Diary of Samwise Gamgee

The original pervy hobbit fancier (cassieclaire) wrote,
@ 2002-01-08 14:30:00
The Very Secret Diary of Samwise Gamgee
*sigh* Who am I to hop off the bandwagon? Just as a note, if you're new to reading the diaries, start from the bottom entries and work your way up. Otherwise pointy wizard hat stuff might not make sense.

This one's for Rave, on account of her fab Legolas/Aragorn parody.


Day One:

Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.

Did I say that out loud?

Day Three:

Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee.

Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.

Day Four:

Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.

Day Five:

Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty.

Gandalf no fun at all.


Day Six:

Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his fingers are all wrinkled.

Decided not to tell him about all the baths.

Day Seven:

Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. Mr. Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful!

Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.

Day Eight:

Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me. Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my Aunt Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small men in shorts.

Day Nine:

Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Ten:

V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark.

Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later about pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit from Shire not versed in wordly ways.

Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli.


Day Fifteen:

Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference would make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts.

Hate Pippin.

Day Twenty-Two:

Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.

Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related, as have been given boats. Do not care really as long as get to share boat with Mr. Frodo.

Day Twenty-Three:

Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was trying to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know that's a big fib don't we.

Day Twenty-Four:

Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something.

Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering up as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm.

We will see about that.

(67 comments) - (Post a new comment)

2002-01-08 12:22 pm UTC (link)
Bath time is always fun.

Stilts line was priceless. So was virgin line. And being 'too hot to die' line.

Hell, vast majority of it was priceless.



2002-01-08 12:37 pm UTC (link)
You are a sick, sick genius. Enjoyed the diaries greatly. Keep it up. :)


starting to have bad fantasies
2002-01-08 12:38 pm UTC (link)
about very gay things. Please bind them back in the closet. Nooooooooooo! The future of my love life is in the hands of a brave little band of lawn ornaments.....
ps posted half the first episode of Commander Unhander on my journal. Anyone want to read my ancient (high school)star trek/marvel comics parody? Not as funny as the diaries.
Still not king.


2002-01-08 01:32 pm UTC (link)
oh dear god! Those diaries were absolutely hiliarious!!!!! These will be the talk of my group of lotr obsessed friends for ages to come. I especially love everyone commenting on the aragorn/frodo thing. And pippin's comment about legolas shagging gimli and the stilts thing.....oh i just love it all. Very very very well done! please give me a poor little slash fan more! Oh and elijah looks lovely in that pic with him and sam.



2002-01-08 01:32 pm UTC (link)
oh dear god! Those diaries were absolutely hiliarious!!!!! These will be the talk of my group of lotr obsessed friends for ages to come. I especially love everyone commenting on the aragorn/frodo thing. And pippin's comment about legolas shagging gimli and the stilts thing.....oh i just love it all. Very very very well done! please give me a poor little slash fan more!



2002-01-08 01:49 pm UTC (link)
Gah! Again, priceless. I'm not sure if you even read past the 6th comment, but know this, your stuff is definitely worth every single one you recieve.



2002-01-08 01:54 pm UTC (link)
Another diary! :) "We'll see about that." LOL You really need to keep doing these. :)

***Dixie Malfoy***


2002-01-08 01:54 pm UTC (link)
You broke my brain.


2002-01-08 02:03 pm UTC (link)
"Hate Pippin."


You are far too clever. Keep it up! =)


2002-01-08 02:17 pm UTC (link)
*falls over laughing* Mesmerizingly awful. Wonderful funnystuff. Augh! Brain broken! :)


: giggles madly
2002-01-08 03:07 pm UTC (link)
As I am wont to do each day, about this time.

Yes, I will call you soon.



Hobbit fanciers unite!
2002-01-08 03:25 pm UTC (link)

A friend of mine (a complete Lego-lust fiend) sent me this link and I nearly spewed my Dasani water all over the keyboard, somehow I managed to contain myself, though

This was absolutely brilliant, and it's such a relief to know I'm not the only one out there having impure thoughts about Frodo }:)

Now I'm off to buy a Frodo and Sam action figure so I can set them up hand in hand by my computer...

(Reply) (Thread)

Re: Hobbit fanciers unite!
2002-01-09 04:07 am UTC (link)
*cackle* The evil spreads!

(Reply) (Parent)

Who knew Helen Fielding taught diary-writing in Middle Earth?
2002-01-08 03:49 pm UTC (link)
Keem 'em coming. Woo! Pippin, Merry, Gandalf and Gimli!


*strange upside down Ashwise look*
2002-01-08 03:49 pm UTC (link)
Wow, you have fans coming out of every nook and cranny, don't you Miss Cassie.

You did Sam...poor Sam. Snaps for Legolas/Gimli. Duh, that one is OBVIOUS


2002-01-08 04:07 pm UTC (link)
Hee. Hee. Heeeeeeee. *gasp* *wheeze* Heeeeeee.

I just read all of these and have to say these are some of the funniest things I've ever read.

The constant references to Sam killing anyone who tries anything with Frodo. Everything about Boromir's. Aragorn keeping track of the stubble. Legolas noting he's still the prettiest.

And the stilts line is classic.

Love these. So much.


2002-01-08 04:25 pm UTC (link)
That was too funny! I laughed so hard I scared the dog away. Keep these coming!



2002-01-08 05:09 pm UTC (link)
I spewed hot coffee out my nose! Thanks!

(Reply) (Thread)

Re: thanks!
2002-01-26 08:51 am UTC (link)
That comment ^---^ was phrased rather strangely.

-dori h :D

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)

Re: thanks! - (Anonymous), 2002-01-27 12:35 pm UTC (Expand)
Re: thanks! - (Anonymous), 2002-03-03 02:43 pm UTC (Expand)

2002-01-08 05:29 pm UTC (link)
*rolls on the floor laughing, trying to catch her breath*


2002-01-08 05:50 pm UTC (link)
God, this is the funniest damn thing I've read in ages! I can't decide if I like the 'stilts' line better or the 'not king yet' bits... *g* I do hope you plan to write some of the other guys too!


2002-01-08 06:33 pm UTC (link)
Whee! Thanks a lot. Um... actually about everything's been said already. Do you mind me putting up those pics by the way? Because if that is the case I'll stop doing it, it's just my way of saying that I liked it...

and also:

I really hope you will continue writing this... let's say, um, with the ring next time? Or Lurtz? (sp?)

Day 01
Woke up. Kinda. Am neither human nor orc. I suck.
Weird white dressed old man seemed to have thrown an eye on me despite my obvious depression.

Day 02
I still suck. White old man seems to like me though. Chose to obey him today. Everybody else certainly hates me. Will kill them all.


2002-01-08 08:14 pm UTC (link)
LMAO. You cow, you posted this when you *knew* I'd be out of the house. Moo.

I still think the Secret Diary of Bil the Pony (not to mention Ugg the Cave Troll) is a good idea...so I'll go write it now :D



2002-01-08 08:30 pm UTC (link)
These are fab.. almeda quoted some of the better lines and I hot-footed it over here to read the rest, methinks you are going to become pretty famous in ljland for this :)


2002-01-08 10:23 pm UTC (link)
All of the diaries are so awesome. I laughed out loud at several points! Hee hee, well done.


2002-01-08 11:41 pm UTC (link)
You have no idea who i am, but the diaries are awesome! =)

When's Glimli coming up? =>


2002-01-09 03:45 am UTC (link)
dmwcarol has just told me to go and read your secret diaries.

Oh. My. Goddess. They ROCK.

I've posted a link on my own journal recommending you to all my friends. You could have let yourself in for something here.

More, more, they cried! (And I vote for Gandalf next, personally).


(67 comments) - (Post a new comment)