Episode 3: Rubbing One Out. Air Date: Aug. 14, 2005
Screen caps of this episode
HERE

Recap of this epsiode:


Show opens with loud redneck music…. Whoo –hoo – hoo… Low and behold: A redneck (Bo Bice?) is hauling his jean-clad ass and yes, you guessed it, sweaty wife-beater down the streets of LA (Wardrobe – PLEASE come up with something different for these guys to wear. I mean, do all the men you know really dress like that these days? I’m starting to think it’s an epidemic.) Rounding the corner, Cole’s in hot pursuit, pumping arms and legs, but Redneck’s too fast and gets away. Cole starts yelling, trying to keep up. Another corner and there’s our LEEEEEE!!!….. in a sweaty brown tee and, yes, an overshirt (with sleeves). Lee gets to the street. Can’t find the perp.

Lee (into his head mike), frustrated: “Who the hell knows? Silver Lake’s laid out like a whore’s armpit.” (Raising the obvious question: How many whore’s armpits has he actually seen?)
More running – Thumper joins and the gang’s all here. Cole vaults his third fence (which, even accepting he’s in damn good shape, is hard to believe but we’ll pretend he’s a racehorse.) They end up in someone’s backyard. Nasty head-banger music. Lee and Cole exchanging wicked smiles. Redneck’s in the shed with his long locks sticking out. Cole jerks him out, Thumper jumps him, and, ladies and gentlemen, we’ve just caught ourselves bad guy #28, looking very upset they’ll be no more nights with his baby sister.

Another Hallmark moment with Cole and his kid, talking about women and whether or not Cole’s been laid since he split from slutty Mama. Who, speak of the devil, appears at the door looking like a raunchy June Cleaver in a cotton sateen party dress (What? This old thing?) complete with a flash of tits and crystal beads. Let me summarize the next part by saying: She scolds him, invites him to dinner, attacks him, tops him, and that’s all folks. (I don’t call her slutty Mama for nothing.)

Now for the story…
Jail. Claire Howell’s chubby sister is moving a row of shackled prisoners, including one cute Asian. They pass a smug, blond DA who taunts them. The Asian breaks ranks somehow head-buts her in the jaw. She’s shocked, he’s pleased as they drag him off.

Minutes later -- the corrections truck putters along on a deserted stretch of road under an overpass (Because they always do that don’t you know. Get off the highway and take the deserted back roads through some scenic industrial area.) And, of course, a skidding car smacks into them, opening the back doors. Our Asian Bad Guy escapes then comes back to shoot the terrified driver six times in the face. (Might as well make it fun.)

Completely pointless scene: Latin Boy’s talking about someone (the DA?) who’s cute when she’s not munching testicles. It appears Bull Head’s hot for her. Mouse chimes in about how Bull’s too into her – “Women like power. Period. Hunters not gatherers. Bring home the kill, Make the fire, feed the family. It’s all about confidence.” (Ugh… since when did she get to be Dr. Laura?). Lee slides in all shiny and showered in his red, white and blue plaid sleeveless shirt and, yes that’s right, accompanying wife beater.
And he does a pretty good job delivering these ridiculous lines with a word I couldn’t even pronounce: “It’s nature. Biology. It goes back to the Neolithic period. You look like you could bite the head off bats but when you get around her, you’re all Jell-O. That’s bad.” (What’s bad is the stupid hair and that ring in your lip. A broad’s gotta decide whether to kiss you or tie you to the hitching post.)

Just in time, Cole comes in to spare us more of this drivel. Here’s the scoop: Escapee, cute Asian Bad Guy, leader of the K-town Warrior gang, was in prison for rapes and burglaries. Lee, bright boy that he is, figures it’s an inside job: Someone at the jail tipped off the bad guy about the truck route.
Lee: “I say we pull all the guards and clerks in a room. Get creative (up eyebrows) see who wets their diaper first.”
Cole: “Sounds like fun. You and I’ll take that.” (Yippee. A needed break from bad acting.)

But wait – I spoke too soon – Mouse doesn’t like her assignment. Wants to wax philosophical on social injustice and distrust of white cops.
Lee: “I’m not white.”
Bull Head: “Oh yes you are.”
Lee: I am? “Dammit.”
Bull Head: “Me too.”
More yammering from Mouse who mentions she speaks a “fair bit” of Korean (Too bad she doesn’t do a fair bit of acting.) Great, says Cole, and he sends her off to talk to the Korean bar owners. A pitiful frown from Mouse followed by more complaining from Latin Boy about rounding up grannies with AARP cards and scaring the shit out them. Cole’s losing patience. Tells them to do their jobs and charge the grannies with “Murder, mayhem and pissing me off.”

So Mouse and Bull travel to the smoky bars of Korea Town, engendering more Mouse-bitching, this time about the smell of cigarettes and how it invades your pores, yada yada… Talk to the hand. A little Korean then a little more bitching. (Why can’t she bitch in Korean?) An aside from Bull that he smokes and an observation from Mouse: “That explains why you run out of breath when you zips up your pants.” (I don’t even want to know how she knows that.) Finally we get to the bar owners who can’t believe those two are police (them and the rest of us). They get nowhere. (Surprise, surprise.)

Back at the jail. Lee’s pacing like a panther, leathered and layered. Cole’s nearby, brooding. It’s a tag team. They tell a group of jail workers they’ve intercepted a call and the bad guys are planning to kill the snitch and their families. (Liars.)
Pleads Lee, looking all sincere: “If you were involved, better step forward now for protection of you and your family.”
Chubby sister looks sick.

Another pointless scene. Latin Boy and Thumper arguing about Chinese food on their way to roust the family. Oh yeah… and Thumper has dinner plans with his sister and asshole dad. (Who cares?)

Lee and Cole in traffic. Lee lets out this long, low groan and does a little front seat driving.
Cole: “Is there a moment of any day you’re not bitching about something?”
Lee: “What? Are you jealous? I’m in touch with my anger.”
They’re interrupted by Cole’s ex on the cell phone. She’s upset because junior saw them screwing on lawn. Cole needs to get there, pronto, and explain. (What needs explation? They were screwing on the lawn.)

New crime scene. Lee and Cole about to duck under the tape when they hear a blood-curdling scream and take off running. Across the street, another murder. This time, a bloody naked dead woman, cradled in her husband’s arms. Lee runs up the stairs. Nothing. Back down. (Some really good shots of his curls – perm or natural, anybody?) Bad guys did it. It’s payback. And a paycheck – they need money.

Headquarters. Granny round-up complete. Cole talks to bad guy’s father. Dad’s not giving it up. Cole gives some sappy I-am-a-father speech and “I can look in those eyes and always see my boy. No matter how old he gets no matter what he does.” (Yeah, that’s effective.) Dad’s not giving it up. But in runs –

Lee: “We got a break.” Well, actually, they got a candidate for Jenny Craig. Chubby’s spilling her guts – literally. Says the bad guys paid her $2,000 to get the route and make a call from a payphone. She didn’t keep the number. Wants them to assure her they’ll protect her. They assure her she’s not a target.
Lee: “But you are under arrest.”
Chubby, incredulous: “What?” (Like, you mean I can get in trouble for helping known criminals kill innocent people? That blows.)
So does she. All over the table. Lee looks way too amused as she trundles off the bathroom with the handle that sticks. Off Lee’s can-you-believe-that-shit look --

We see Bull, hard at work cross-referencing pay phone calls with Korea Town. A hit! At a video store. And they’re off – Bull and Mouse in the van, monitoring. Thumper and Latin Boy standing outside, still talking about Thumper’s dinner plans (Enough already!)

Lee and Cole go inside. You get any calls from a murderous bastard in jail? Nope. Wrong answer. Cole starts smashing computer monitors while Lee looks on, amused (He’s amused a lot this episode. Cole’s just so damn funny.). What do you know? Unsuspecting bad guy’s on his way to the store. Walks right past Thumper and Latin Boy still jawing about dinner. But we know he’ll never get past Cole and Lee, right?

Almost. But a little Asian boy with big mouth breaks out yelling: “Run! Run! Cops!” Everyone runs. Guns drawn, the gang’s on fire… running, climbing, sweating. Lee’s on the fire-escape. Cole’s dodging makeshift booths and fruit stands in some back alley. Bad guy starts firing. People drop. Lee’s got his big gun trained on him (A little to the left… a little to the left…. Brains and fruit. A winning combination). But alas Cole says “No!” Too many live civilians (Never mind the ever-increasing pile of dead ones.) Lee’s pissed. He had him. And, after more running and climbing and fireworks and blowing plastic – they lose him. Damn.

Back at the ranch. Lee’s getting out of Cole’s car.
Cole: “Eddie – what happened in the alley. It happens again and you’re gone.”
Lee, blue eyes flashing: “What the hell you talking about?”
Cole: “You disobeyed my orders in a stand off and I shouldn’t even be giving you a warning.”
(What the hell are you talking about? The guy got away.)
Lee: “Look man, I almost had him in my sights.”
Cole: “So what?”
Lee: “I could’ve taken him down without incident.”
Cole: “Maybe, maybe not. Point is, it’s not your decision to make. I say, ‘Back up,’ you back up. (Ahh. A pissing contest. Who do you think is bigger?)
Lee (grits those pearly whites): “Feel free to stop treating me like a trainee.”
Cole: “I know we got a lot of history, not all of it good…”
Lee blows air.
Cole: “… but that means shit when we’re on the job.”
Lee and his do-you-believe-this-guy look: “Is the lecture over? I gotta pee.” (That again. Either the writer has a problem with incontinence or Lee’s character’s a diabetic.)
Cole, softens: “You’re a hell-of-a-cop. You’ve got great instincts.”
Lee, raising his arms in mock surrender: “I know and you’re the boss.” (Nice low big-boy voice.)
Cole: “This is the only way I know to run a team.”
Lee sidles up to Cole. They’re nose to nose.
Lee: “Well, the way you’re talking it doesn’t feel much like a team lieutenant.”

The almost-rumble is interrupted by the lady DA, upset about all the wide-eyed refugees wandering around the warehouse. They have rights. They’ve been there eight hours. Cole reminds of about the dozen dead civilians in the alley. She reminds him the bad guy shouldn’t have made it to the alley. And so it goes back and forth until Bullhead interrupts with a tender moment, offering to clean the wound on her cheek so it won’t get infected. (Awww…. He’s so metrosexual that guy.) Cole quips he didn’t know she had any blood. To which she retorts: “Blow me, lieutenant.” (And, from the looks of her, I do believe that might be possible.)

A pointless scene with Latin Boy and a perky young refugee followed by a shot of Bull cleaning the DA’s wound, and asking her for a date. She burns him: “I don’t date men with studs in their lips.” (It’s a hoop! Are you blind?)
Lee’s walking by, tells Bull: “She checked out the stud. You know what that means.”
Bull: “No I don’t.” (Well I do. It means that hoop might impair his ability to blow her.)

Then comes some politically correct bullshit in Cole’s office. Latin Boy and Mouse are still upset over the injustice of holding all these innocent older adults just because they won’t tell the cops where their murdering, raping, thieving relative is hiding. Latin Boy’s father got dragged in by cops just because of the color of his skin (Yeah, right). And Mouse is upset because there’s an 80-year-old sitting on the concrete floor.
She opines: “Lieutenant -- we can’t burn the village to save it. Can’t break the law in order to preserve the peace….” (Ugh – will somebody yank her off the set.) To shut her up, Cole launches into this maudlin back-when-I-was-a-boy trip down memory lane about the Vietcong tying people to trees and chopping off their arms and legs. (That should shut her up). But no – he’s got to add this cheesy speech for good measure: “My job is to stop suffering. My job is to apprehend those who kill, rape or otherwise break the peace. My job is to level the playing field…Either one of you start some half-assed morality debate with me again, I will beat you both until your heart stops!" (I’m not one to advocate violence but YES! YES! YES!… Can I watch?)

News of another dead body. And the DA gets Mouse to snitch on her boss. So now, instead of just a Mouse, she’s a rat too. Nice job.

Another crime scene. Another dead, mangled body. Only this one turns out to be an illegal arms dealer so it’s a misdemeanor murder. The captain’s not happy. But Cole hatches a plan with Bad Guy’s father. And, then there’s another call from slutty Mama: How come he has not yet explained the midnight romp to junior? (Uh, ‘cause he’s been kinda busy and you’re kinda blond.)

A funeral home. Bad Guy’s dad is dead. Lee’s across the street in a purple Superman shirt and grey sweats, washing his car. Mouse is greeting the funeral guests in a short black cocktail dress with a plunging neckline and oh-so-conspicuous microphone dangling from her ear. A comical exchange ensues between Thumper and a barking dog then a flower van pulls up. Usually the flowers arrive before the funeral. This doesn’t get by our heroes, so they’re in position and dotting the place with tiny grey cans. The back of the van opens and out pops our Bad Guy with a nice bouquet.

Inside the funeral home, Mouse whips her 9-mil. from her garter belt. Bad Guy advances – flowers in one hand, gun in the other. (Prepared for a family gathering.) Mouse creeps along the other side of the wall.

Lee, hair flying, books across the street to don a gas mask and squat by a car.

Inside, Bad Guy advances closer and closer to Mouse on the other side of the wall. (Please, bad boy, one last act of mercy.) But, just then, a gas bomb goes off, Bad Guy runs out. But he can’t get past our Lee. I’d recognize those baby blues peering out of that gas mask anywhere. Lots of smoke and grunting and Cole bangs the perp’s head against a casket. Then he starts wailing on him, beating him just for fun. But of course Mouse is no fun and she arrives just in time to save a few brain cells. The perp hollers about brutality then sheds a few crocodile tears as a limo pulls up with his dad – very much alive – and he learns that ol’ pop turned him in. “They told me you were dead! What are you doing to me? Daaaaaaad!” (What do you think he’s doing? He’s cutting a deal to get off the concrete floor, you asshole).

O’Neil’s Bar and Grill. Thumper walks in to join a drunk at the bar, downing whiskey with a beer back. This must be dad. Explains a lot. Thumper apologizes for missing that much-discussed dinner the previous night. Dad disses him. Thumper shoots back that he has a job – unlike dad. Dad plays the dead mommy card. Things get worse and Thumper ends up leveling Dad. (Hey – what happened to “Thou shalt not deck thy old man?” Fifty Hail Mary’s for that one, buddy).

Headquarters. Mouse and Cole exchange words. Seems the DA has ratted out the rat. But it’s OK, because Cole thinks Mouse is valuable to the team and he wants her to come to him when she’s upset and tell the truth. Yeah, right.

A montage of the merry bunch: Lee back in plaid, standing on a street corner with traffic whizzing by. He’s simmering, kneading his lip, remember his run-in with Cole. Latin Boy in flash-back, another run-in with Cole. Thumper, at the river, remembering his run-in with dad.

Cole heads home. Finally getting around to explaining that tail-snagging incident from the other night. But his son doesn’t care. Mom’s on a date, son knows daddy’s not coming home. It’s all good. Only the kid’s a little sad – because Cole’s the only one who can make his momma laugh. (Yep, that Cole’s such a damn funny guy.)

The End