October 11th, 2008

[doxerssoldout] Current Music: "german love" - starfucker Subject: HELP Time: 11:32 pm Current Mood: confused

when i went out to dinner this evening, the hostess thought i was fifteen years old. i am twenty. shitsters, how can i make myself look older? (or at least closer to my actual age?)

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October 12th, 2008

[badnewswade] Current Music: An Erasure album. Subject: Help - advice sought! Time: 12:23 am Current Mood: annoyed

Dearest Shitflingers, A former close friend, who has since decided that he hates my guts for a stupid reason, is continuing to make annoying, snide comments at me in an on-line message board. While I miss him, I'm really fucking pissed off with his totally out of order behaviour. Should I continue telling him to fuck off and die, or should I forgive him, and if so, how should I let him know without embarrasing him on the intarnets? (I don't have his number or email anymore) PS It's extra sad for me because we used to be really good mates (but not in a gay way). Whatever can I do?! :'(

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October 11th, 2008

[pura_irae] Time: 10:32 pm

dearest poo flingers, I'm about to form a band with some industrial noisers. we need a name. please do your worst (and avoid hobo semen, oranges and simple green if you please).

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October 10th, 2008

[madmravyn] Subject: Nobody light a match! Time: 11:33 am Current Mood: hungry

Dearest Advisors, Today at work, we had breakfast treats of cheese and crackers. After eating, I have heartburn, and a bloated and gassy feeling and still feel a tad peckish. What should I do to relieve the pressure in my tummy and what should I have for lunch? Yours forever, Miss MadmRavyn

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[tmercenary] Time: 08:55 am

I think I might be in love with the girl at the espresso stand near my office. It's one of those coffee stands wear the girls wear a bikini, or other sexy outfits. How should I proceed? _________ http://dragcave.net/user/tmercenary

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[nightshade316] Subject: The crash of the US economy... Time: 10:28 am

So I'm thinking there's gotta be a way to make some cash off the economy falling apart. What can I do to make that money?

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October 8th, 2008

[bigkidsid] Subject: Irish excel Time: 10:53 pm

so - I had to install excel on a pc at work today, when I installed it I noticed it was an "irish" version. I'd like to send out a mail sayong "I noticed it was an irish version of excel so...." but I can't think how to end it.. Any ideas on a cute little joke I could put?

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[hajiomatic] Time: 09:56 am

my back hurts. The chiropractor is through jumping on it. What can I do to make it feel better?

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October 7th, 2008

[txtriffidranch] Subject: I found my dream job Time: 11:20 am

Oh, dear. I have a problem. dark_phoenix54 found my dream job. This is a position where they'd have to drag me away at the end of the season, because I'd be putting in 18-hour days without realizing it. Unfortunately, my wife, the stovehouse orchid that she is, has problems with the concept, and she's less than amused at the thought of my taking this position. What should I do? EDIT: As can be expected, just as soon as I post the link (to a Greenhouse Manager position in Antarctica, with plans to overwinter there), the company takes it down. Bastards.

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October 6th, 2008

[ukissme_ukillme] Time: 10:09 pm

dearest scat-scatterers, i am tired of my lj username. i've gone through 3 since i joined in like 2000, and for the life of me i can't think of a new one. i checked and i think hobo_semen and simple_green are already taken. what're your thoughts on what my new username should be? and while you're at it, think of a new aim sn for me since i'm beginning to tire of my old one.

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[arikatt] Subject: October 7th Time: 08:22 pm

I have absolutely nothing planned for my birthday tomorrow. Suggestions?

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October 5th, 2008

[the_real_nic] Current Music: Set Your Goals - Mutiny Subject: Advise pls Time: 08:00 pm

You wake up dizzy with blood running down your face from a 4 day crank binge, some whore with one tit hanging out is looking at you with used condoms, tinfoil and a burrito tangled up in her hair, what do you do? Thx.

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October 4th, 2008

[swell] Subject: Teh dramas Time: 03:07 am

My dearest fecally-minded friends, So say you're a member of a community for a while, and that community amuses you, and that you, in turn, enjoy posting in and amusing, but then a bunch of a-holes decide you are a cunt who should fuck off the internets and die, (for suggesting that really basic rules are there to be...um... followed?) and are generally just little pimples on the genitals of Lj. After you leave said community, a)do you brood about it, b)suggest they douche with hobo semen, or c)spray Simple Green in their eyes? I must confess that having found this community for the random lols in my day has softened this otherwise painful state of affairs. Le sigh. I expect some awesome wisdom from this thinktank, stat!

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October 3rd, 2008

[ts_looney] Subject: Guess who's coming to dinner? Time: 06:50 pm

What should I serve as a side dish with my chosen entree?

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October 2nd, 2008

[tmercenary] Time: 06:37 pm

today, I wanted to try some thing new in the way of beer. So the geek in me saw this: Not that great. Like a sugared up wheat beer, Only with something else I can't determine what it is. Must be the dragon. I give it 2.5 out of 5 So what do I do with the extra 5 bottles of beer that I really don't want to drink? I have never really had extra booze around. http://dragcave.net/user/tmercenary

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[drprepuce] Subject: FUCKING WORK! Time: 03:43 pm

Dear Butt-product wranglers: Some butt-crack sniffing POS was promoted to a fake title at work. There is only one position of it's kind, and she was made VP of said position. How can I properly congratulate her?

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October 1st, 2008

[thetathx1138] Subject: Proper promotion Time: 09:48 am

Shits: I have just had an article appear on a major Internet website, and already I've gotten trashed on Digg. I have located the commenter's name, address, and financial records. How should I proceed? I'm allergic to Simple Green and Oranges, and the hobos are charging too much for their precious hobo semen.

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September 30th, 2008

[ladamlover] Time: 10:47 pm

Dear shitvisors, My manager at work has decided to be a passive-agressive bitch and completely remove me from the schedule for the past three weeks with no explaination. Oh, and she's done this previously, too. I left her a note to call me but I'm pretty sure she's ignoring me until I just get pissed enough to quit. I let it slide for a while because I hate my job (and finding a new one in this area is not much of an option), but I'm kind of going broke fast. Plz advise.

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October 1st, 2008

[pura_irae] Time: 01:17 am

dear poo flingers, I have an ongoing problem. each time I have a boyfriend or get involved with someone, there seems to be someone who I totally have no idea who is it, that clearly doesn't want me to be happy with somebody else. for instance, an ex of mine had his car window smashed when parked outside my house, a guy who actually cared for me ceased to talk to me and avoids me at all costs for no reason - people told me somebody talked to him and scared him shitless - and now, a guy I flirted with recently got his myspace account hacked. it seems someone is FUCKING PEACHY KEEN on not letting me be happy with someone else. and fucking damn right I have the right to be happy. if I catch the guy who's doing this I guess insecticide is in the order of the day. hobo semen, oranges and simple green or becoming a nun are out of the question. I'm thinking napalm. what's your advice?

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September 30th, 2008

[earthlingmike] Subject: personal ad advice for my muscular body Time: 08:28 am

It has been suggested that I put some thing in my personal ad showing that I have a muscular body. This is how I responded, and I'm looking for as many opinions as I can get. Thanks. "Shit, maybe I really do need to talk about my job situation a little more, and have a photo of me ripping my sweat-drenched shirt off. It's not glamorous in financial sense, but I've been doing things like moving furniture, working on a tree farm, shoveling snow and carrying 50 pound bags of salt up and down sidewalks in the winter. Any suggestions on how I should word it?"

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