Perseveration

Posted by:	anonoymah.
Time:	7:32 pm.

Greetings, to those on the Perseveration community. As some of you may or may not know, I am the moderator/creator of this community, and considering recent events, I thought I ought to make a Moderator's Statement.

This community was created because I was really enjoying discussing autism with a friend, who was being criticized by some other friends for his autism perseveration. He posted an annoucement that he wouldn't be posting about autism anymore, and because I knew how much I'd miss those posts, I thought I would create a community where anyone could post about whatever they are perseverating about. Since people simply unfriend me if they get tired of my perseverations, there was never really any need for me to use this community myself as a place to store perseverative diatribes.

We recently had an unfortunate situation which compelled someone to leave the community. This person thought that they were replying to an entry posted in a different LJ community, and one of the things they stated was that the other community was one in which debate was "allowed."

Debate is not expressly outlawed in this community. However, I do ask that everyone respect everyone else's opinion. If you disagree, disagree respectfully, with no challenges, no name-calling, nothing that makes this place hostile; this was intended to be "a safe place" for people to perseverate to their heart's content without being told they're wrong for doing so or that their ideas are wrong, their interests stupid, et cetera.

Autism can be both an asset and a disability, at the same time, in the same person. Some people will choose to mourn for what they lack, including society's approval, while others will emphasize what makes them unique, and exploit their heightened abilities to such an extent that they feel they are "better" or at least "better off" than NTs in some ways. I do understand both sides of the argument.

I know that almost no one has ever posted here, in fact, mainly just one person, that being the person who inspired the creation of this community. I don't care if this remains low-traffic or becomes high-traffic...I just want it to be a peaceful, safe place for perseveration.

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Subject:	A Christmas Carol
Posted by:	staircase_wit.
Time:	10:14 am.
Music:	"Eyes of a Stranger" - Queensryche.

No, honestly, this is a fixation, not a perseveration. There is a real difference, and it's a difference I can feel.

I'm trying to understand, without turning towards radical misanthropy, an event that happened to me last December. Now, it is an autistic trait that we "make few meaningful gestures." It's not just a feature, it's part of the diagnostic criteria. The exact text is: "marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors, such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction "

I guess I can sort of buy it, because I was unsure of the whole sign-language/gesture thing in GURPS. It didn't pass my internal "reality-check," but I've never had a player attempt gestoral communication. (It's nessesarily in a strict GURPS sense, though, since native speakers of average intellegence often misunderstand each other when using oral communication).

Anyway, back in December, I walked past a pair of Salavation Army Bell-Ringers with my hands clasped tightly over my ears. I was called "Scrooge." It upset me at the time, but most of all, I am confused. Even if I accept that my gesture... hands over the ears... is "meaningless" due to my autistic body language... it seems perfectly obvious to me.

I think I might have it figured out. Scrooge's first visitation comes from the shade of his dead business partner, Jacob Marley. For his sins of miserlyness and capitalism, Marley is forced to spend eternity in the chains he forged from those sins. To gain Scrooge's attention, he shakes those chains. Maybe that was why she called me "Scrooge." Because my reaction to the painful sound of her and her partner's bells was like Scrooge's reaction to Marley's chains of damnation. I've never read the book, and it's been a while since I've seen any film version, so I don't recall if he does or not. I know I'd want to use "Todash Chimes" if I was to make my own version. I imagine the Todash Chimes as being something out of Nine-Inch Nails's "The Downward Spiral." You know, the "underwater backwards piano" part. The chains are spiritual in nature, so why should their sound have to reflect the visual appearance of them?

I have spoken to an unarmed member of the Salvation Army, in the Brookfield Square mall. I don't know if she passed on my concerns or not.

Next winter, I will do all my "Wal-Mart" shopping at Target. I know that food stores will be subject to the bell ringers.

I know it probably seems petty, and maybe it is, but to me this is like steps are to a wheelchair user. It's a hassle that should not exist, and is double fustrating in that so very, very few people fathom the fact that it does not hurt my ears because I am a miser... it hurts my ears because of the range and sensitivity of my hearing.

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Posted by:	staircase_wit.
Time:	3:46 pm.

OK, If you haven't read my personal journal for the last 24 hours or so, don't. I need an unbiased opinion here.

I recently got into a flamefest with someone because they questioned my association of being an a meeting of autistic adults with an NT 'moderator' with the first stanza of Robert Browning's poem "Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came."

Now, I'm going to assume you all have Mad Google Skills and, if you wanted to, could find a public domain poem by typing in just the first two words of the title, without quotes even, and hitting "I feel lucky." But, I'll post this stanza anyway.

My first thought was, he lied in every word,
That hoary cripple, with malicious eye
Askance to watch the workings of his lie
On mine, and mouth scarce able to afford
Suppression of the glee, that pursed and scored
Its edge, at one more victim gained thereby.

OK, now help me prove that I either am or am not insane by telling me what you can infer from the NT moderator from that stanza.

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Subject:	Password: Steak
Posted by:	staircase_wit.
Time:	3:07 pm.
Mood:	morose.
Music:	"32 Flavors" - Ani Defranco.

I've been trying to understand the conception of autism. I can deal with ignorance, really. It's the curebie mentality that scares the shit out of me. Unfortunately, that mentality seems to be the rule, rather than the exception.

What really hit home was this quote: "There's a grief response to a diagnosis of autism; parents go through mourning and denial, and promising them their child will be cured by these therapies gives them false hope and only prolongs the grief." It was features in an article recently in my hometown newspaper, although Milwaukee is no longer my place of residence.

My "theory of mind" makes the whole grief process difficult to understand. At the same time, other's "theory of mind" problems make it difficult for them to understand the intensity of my anger over it. The question is, what is the grief for? Some answers:

The fact that their child is not going to be the individual the parents desire
The fact that their child is going to be less like them and more like me and you

Now, the first is just mildly annoying, and in an ideal world parents can learn to love their children for who they are, rather than who the parents THINK they OUGHT to be. The movie "Shark Tail" is probably one of the best movies illustrating that moral in a non-preachy way. The thing about preachiness with parents is that it they can often miss the point, due to the extremism involved. It did take the death of his son, and the assumption that his other, less-favored son was also dead, for him to change. (The Don actually didn't play favorites... but everyone else favored the dead, "normal" son).

The latter, though... it's like saying "I hate you." It's not saying that, but it's LIKE saying that.

Trying to understand the grief, which I did not feel over my own diagnosis (I did almost die of lack-of-shock, due to the utter lack of suprise being all so sudden), I came up with a food metaphor. It's like getting pumped up to go eat at McDonald's, and then someone says, "No, you won't be eating at McDonald's... we're going to a steak house." Now, steak isn't what they WANT. The texture is different than McDonald's "beef" patties. And steakhouse fries are different, some would say inferior, to McDonald's fries. And it takes so much longer. And, let's be honest with ourselves... it's more expensive, someplaces more than others.

Even understanding where people are coming from doesn't really help me feel better about it. I still feel like an Unwanted Citizen, a psuedo-human who's value is determined by his ability to fake being NT, even though that ability means anything I have to say on the subject is neglectable because I'm "high functioning."

Like Mrs. Robinson, either way I look at it, I lose.

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Subject:	Winter/Snow
Posted by:	staircase_wit.
Time:	4:49 pm.
Mood:	happy.
Music:	"Without a Face" - Rage Against the Machine.

A line by line anagram of Tori Amos's song Winter, by Meyren Kraus.

A verse-by-verse anagram of a song.

Tori Amos
Winter

Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart when I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove

I run off where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice: "You must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"
He says:

"When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear"

Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting
Withering where some snowman was
Mirror mirror, where's the crystal palace
But I only can see myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know, dad, the ice is getting thin

Hair is grey and the fires are burning
So many dreams on the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud
I always wanted that myself

"When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change
My dear, never change"
All the white horses...

Tim Retario
Snow

A wet rainy morning;
My ten tiny digits numb.
I sniffle, twitch;
My two new mink-top galoshes worn.
I love the wet time of the year;
I hang on to my pa's wet arm.

I go far, chase a fast wind's roars,
A furious pretty napper grabs my feet.
A far, sad cry: "See, in the future you will have independence;
Soon you will be without me."
He utters:

"Enough hesitating, Hanna,
Why can't you see how gorgeous you are?
Enough hesitating, Hanna;
Seasons come and go monotonously, turn dully...
Didn't your knight in shiny armor wake up?
Such a drama! Aah, lay peaceful by me, I say
The snow will eventually melt away."

When snow in town turns to water, I'm in love!
Buttercup-buds crawl, stretch their heads...
Time progresses - I'm dry, lonely;
Grow grey hair; Frosty dies.
Ask my image: "Show me a glass castle!"
No, nothing there but this face.
I want to decide my origin;
When I'll remember, father, I won't ski again.

I grow older but stay young at heart,
My last desires left far behind.
"Hanna, you satisfy me", you whisper;
I need a damn reason: Why?

"Enough hesitating, Hanna,
Why can't you see how gorgeous you are?
Ah, enough weeping, Hanna;
Seasons come and go monotonously, turn dully...
Did your knight in shiny armor leave you?
Such a drama! Ah, stay peaceful, Hanna,
The heavy snow will eventually melt away.
We're each the same."
A ghost-knight...

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Posted by:	staircase_wit.
Time:	12:37 pm.
Mood:	scared.
Music:	"Dream" - Forest for the Trees.

A few days ago, I was discussing with a former Fundamentalist the fact that fact that Fundamentalists see Bush as Annointed by God, which of course got us to the fact that the Antichrist will be blasphemous, but not offensively so. His blasphemy will be believable, and he will be considered charismatic. While many consider George W. Bush to be a loathesome idiot, rather than a charismatic orator, he is beloved by many radical Christians and loved due to, rather than in spite of, his blasphemies.

So, I actually got the chills from reading this web page. The first part of it is rather silly, and reminded me of the David Hasslehoff as Antichrist page. The whole 666 thing is an obvious dead end. You can, with a little persistance, make any name into 666. (E.g., my last name is Fox. F is the sixth letter of the alphabet, O is the 15th letter and 1+5=6, and X is the 24th and 2+4=6. 666! Additonally, my first name, "Kaiden," is from the Old English "Caed" meaning "a Battle," and the Messopotanian "En" meaning "God." Seriously, you can turn any name into the 666 with a little creativity). But after that? Serious food for thought. Maybe not serious thought, as I don't believe any of this shit, but within the rules of Biblical Prophecy, the guy really fits the bill... especially when you add the Nostradamus stuff on top of it.

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Subject:	HEAD LIKE A HOLE
Posted by:	staircase_wit.
Time:	9:49 pm.
Mood:	happy.

This was either my first or second exegisis. I figured I'd repost it to

perseveration.

god (money), i'll do anything for you.	Autistic curation groups, such as "Cure Autism Now," are motivated more by profit then by a desire to help others.
god (money )just tell me what you want me to.	And, being more concerned about profit then about helping others, they are willing to go so far as to rewrite history in order to achieve their ends.
god (money) nail me up against the wall.	Three levels of metaphor here. Allusion to Christianity Allusion to the abuse of restraints Allusion to trying to figure out autistic mental processes to being something like "nailing custard to a wall."
god (money) don't want everything he wants it all.	On the surface, a contradictory statement. Motivated by profit, institutions like CAN seem to want to "cure" everyone, but in reality they just wish to provide a means to enrich their coffers, no matter who it hurts.
no you can't take it no you can't take it no you can't take that away from me no you can't take it no you can't take it no you can't take that away from me	You can't take my pride away from me You can't take my autism away from me And you can't "take" the fact that I am who I am. ("You" = "CAN")
head like a hole. black as your soul. i'd rather die than give you control. head like a hole. black as your soul. i'd rather die than give you control.	Aggressive behavior towards "authority" is often considered "social defiance disorder," but in reality autists simply do not perceive those who are in charge as having any inherent "in charge" rights. If they do extend these rights, it is due to right of property, rather than as recognition of superior wisdom. (e.g. "her house, her rules" rather than "she's so much older/wiser/smarter than I could ever be")
bow down before the one you serve. you're going to get what you deserve. bow down before the one you serve. you're going to get what you deserve.	Simply put, hold "autism" organizations accountable to actual autists. They rarely are, especially in Canada where the status of citizen is denied to autists.
god (money)'s not looking for the cure.	The idea of "curing" autism is, in fact, genetic testing followed by selective abortions
god (money)'s not concerned with the sick among the pure.	It is also a mistake to call CAN "parent-centered." They only have the interest of Neurotypical parents at heart, and are unconcerned about helping an autistic parent raise an autistic child, if they can even stomach the thought.
god (money) let's go dancing on the backs of the bruised.	TITO!
god (money)'s not one to choose	In other words, don't choose to throw in your lot with curation pushers.

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Subject:	"Planet Autism" is not a metaphor
Posted by:	staircase_wit.
Time:	11:53 pm.
Mood:	Alienated/Spacy.

A lot of people are trying to find "the cause and the cure" for autism. There has to be a cause more than just genetics, because autism is on the rise... it's an epidemic.

Well, the X-Files "fight the future" isn't too far fetched... the easiest way to colonize a place is to change the nature of the people there.

And, to put the country simple, earth has a lot of things other folks might want...like the whole planet. And maybe these folks would like a few changes made. Like more Carbon Dioxide in the atmosphere, and room for their way of life. We've seen this happen before, right in these United States.

Your way of life destroyed the Indian's way of life.

The Indian reservation is extinction.

But my own position is ticklish. I'm with the invaders, no use trying to hide that. And at the same, I disagree with some of the things they are doing.

Oh we're not united anymore than you are.

Conservative faction is set on nuclear war as a solution to the, uh, "neurotypical problem."

Others disagree

I don't claim that my methods are one hundred percent humane, but I do say, if we can't think of anything quieter, and tidier than that...

We are all not that much better than you earthlings.

There is no place else to go The theater is closed

Cut word lines
Cut music lines
Smash the control images
Smash the control machine.

(In loving memory of William S. Burroughs, 1914-1997).

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Subject:	Dream to nowhere with me
Posted by:	staircase_wit.
Time:	10:54 am.
Mood:	scared.
Music:	"Skating Away" - Jethro Tull.

"Sexuality is when an attractive stranger walks by, and the person who a moment ago was here, was standing right beside me, was with me, is suddenly on another planet. It is when someone who seemed to like me and seemed to be my friend finds a new boyfriend, or patches things up with his wife, or finds a new hobby that leads to meeting new people, or discovers that she really can have adult relationships with real people--and there's no time left to waste on an odd little kid who will never grow up. It is when someone who promises to come back never does. It is always taking second place to someone who offers something that I cannot. It is being outgrown and left behind. Sexuality is abandonment."

--Jim Sinclair

( serene dream )

Not quite an exegesis. It's just, well, that quote puts this song in my head.

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