To: The world at large
Re: My third eye
I know, I know. [Holds up "talk-to-the" hand.] You're looking at me with slackjawed wonder, just asking all over yourself how I managed to attain such a high level of personal inner peace, Zen, and Vedic wisdom. You're wondering why I am so meditative, so Buddha-like, and how I got my chakras aligned and in colour order--you know, Roy G. Biv. Most of all, though, you're wondering just how much Upanishad-Bhagavad action it took before my third eye manifested itself in the physical realm by busting through my forehead like a new sheriff through the doors of a notorious saloon. I'll say this--I was momentarily sucked into a Deepak Chopra book last week. But I--oh, wait, it's just a GIANT ZIT.

To: Deepak Chopra
Re: Chomp a dong
It's mostly my own fault, you know; books with titles like THE SPONTANEOUS GRATIFICATION OF DESIRE are really tempting to frustrated done-wrong types such as myself. But filling the last half of the book with reprinted, regurgitated, blanded-down-for-the-American-palate versions of Sanskrit mantras? That's cheap as hell, dude. In conclusion: back to the Goodwill your book goes. I want my 50¢ back.

To: G5 iBook
Re: WHERE ARE YOU
Dude. One of my freelance gigs is getting me a new whatever-I-want of you in January, but if you don't give me an idea when you'll be out, I'll have to settle for the G4, and while that's all hott, I'm sure you'll emerge soon's I crack the seal on the 4. You know? I hate that shit. Let a sista know.

To: KEXP
Re: "My Name is Jonas"
While that track is certainly a rock-epic wunderjam, I don't think it's fair or humane to play something all sweeping that culminates in "the workers are gooooing home!" at 9:43 in the morning on a Friday. Like, I got seven more hours of this shit, Holmes. Let's hear songs of quiet endurance until then.

To: The Wedding Present
Re: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
I thought you guys were dead, and then all of a sudden it's all "new forthcoming album" up in my grill. With regards to which: !!!!!