Current mood:	distressed
Current music:	The sound of my head hitting the desk.

My first report...and I find a Blaise!Sue.
Story Or Series Title: The Life and Times of a Girl Named Blaise Zabini (http://www.mediaminer.org/fanfic/view_st.php/28253)
Fandom: In her own words: "LotR (movie cannon) /Harry Potter fusion with elements from "The Sandman." *sobs*
Culprit Author's Name: Rosy the Cat

Full Name (plus titles if any): Blaise E. Zabini, "Elessario of Mirkwood, after a great Elven warrior maiden who fought bravely at the battle of Helm's Deep." *blinks*

Full Species(es): Thinks she's Human/Witch/Elf only to discover that it's half Elf/half Endless.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Waist-length brown that eventually grows to mid-thigh with "chocolate-brown eyebrows"
Eye Color (include adjectives):"Dark brown, almost black."
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Has elven ears being hidden by a "glamourie" that Legolas cast on her.
Special Possessions (if any): Has "Elven mysteriousness and delicate beauty"

Annoying Origin: Hell. Middle Earth got a discount for relocating there. Okay, brace yourselves for this one.*takes deep breath* Her mother, Dallandra Fairechylde Zabini, once taught History of Magic classes at Hogwarts before and during the time when Dumbledore was a student. Her grandfather is "Lance Green, a.k.a. Legolas Greenleaf." * starts tearing hair out* Legolas stayed in Middle Earth to watch over his friends and their descendants, and then when Middle Earth shifted into Earth, he couldn't find the Western Shore. When Dallandra is killed by Lorenzo Zabini, Blaise's father, Legolas reveals that Dallandra was really Blaise's sister, and that Blaise herself is his daughter. Blaise's real mother is Death of the Endless, who jumped Legolas' bones while they were drunk one day as she was in mortal form. Since Death can't give birth until she's mortal again, the pregnancy pregnancy lasts for about a century. When Blaise is finally born, Dallandra had just given birth to the real Blaise, who was stillborn. Legolas then gives Death's baby Blaise's name, and stays by her under the guise of being her grandfather.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: *points above* Isn't that bad enough? Also Draco's her "bestest" friend and attempts to play matchmaker for him and Ginny.
Annoying Special Abilities: Has a LoTR fangirl scream, Can "see" Haldir (who died at Helm's Deep) on the Astral Plain, can call Narcissa "Cissa" without being hexed, makes the Sorting hat use censored swears, fluent in 12 languages.
Other Annoying Traits: Budding Potions Mistress, meets the Endless, writes Anime fan fiction (the character, not the author), making peanut butter and sliced strawberry sandwiches the next form of Pepper-jack cheese, charming Legolas and Death with "Bambi Eyes," hates Pansy, uses fangirl Japanese, writes annoying author's notes, and plugs various fics throughout the story.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story: Meet the bastard child of HP and Middle Earth genetics.
Blaise nodded, smiling slightly. "Yeah, I ended up going to a family
member to learn how to do that," she said. She knew why glamour magic,
or glamourie, or whatever you wanted to call it (A.N.: My theory is that
Sailor Moon's Disguise Pen works with glamourie. "MOON DISGUISE MAGIC
POWER! Turn me into a witch!" *pow!* "...NOT GLENDA, DANGIT!") was such
a rare talent among humans. You had to have a certain amount of Elf blood
in your family tree, close enough to you. People with only a drop or two
(this is a figure of speech, naturally) of Elven blood couldn't cast
glamourie, but they could see through it. Like calls out to like, and all
that jazz. Legolas theorized that in a few more generations there wouldn't
be any more mostly-human spellcasters who could use glamourie. Still plenty
who could see through it, but none who could use it themselves. This meant
that, somewhere way back when before the Sundering, as Blaise's father
referred to when the world changed, the different continents forming, some
ancestor to the Weasley family had a bit of Elfy hanky-panky-ness.

Eew...

Ginny looked at the older girl, delighted surprise on her face. "You can
cast glamour too, Blaise? That is so cool! I mean, what are the odds of
two of us being so close in age, much less living in the same country!
Professor Flitwick says he was the only one at Hogwarts all of his seven
years when he was a student."

Blaise smiled. She knew there was a reason beyond Tiny Person Initial
Cuteness that made her feel at home around the diminutive professor.
Maybe he was part Hobbit or something, too. She knew the Shire had been
placed under magical protection by Gandalf, only accessible by those who
knew of its existence and meant no harm. Unfortunately, her father had
long since lost track of the entrance, so he didn't know if there were
still Hobbits in the world. Blaise hoped there were. But, now that she
was thinking about it, if Flitwick were part Hobbit, which would attest
to his lack of stature (though he could, she supposed, simply be a run-
of-the-mill midget), and he was definitely part Elf, did he have
particularly hairy feet? Because she was pretty sure they weren't unusually
large, especially when compared to his body.

Ick! Fuzzy Furry Flitwick Feet! The image, it burns! BURNS! KYAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

*grabs rusty spork* Soon, my eyes. Soon all the pain will end...