Current mood:	melancholy
Current music:	Lit - My Own Worst Enemy

*sob* There is no god!
The Summary: "Candie, a very depressed teenage girl, falls into Middle Earth and is forced to join the Fellowship, much against her will... The concept was used zillions of times before but I don't care because this story is totally different... Not a Mary Sue! R/R!"

Nineteen chapters! IT'S NINETEEN FUCKING CHAPTERS OF RAW TORTURE!
I won't even go into the horror that is the 170 reviews...

*retreats to a corner for some bitter weeping over the rape, torture and murder of Professor Tolkien's works.*
*composes self a few hours later*

*sniffle*

Okay, here we go...

Story Or Series Title: No Way Back
Fandom: Lord of the Rings *burst into tears again*
Culprit Author's Name: *composes self* Losing grip ...

Full Name (plus titles if any):...Candie...
Full Species(es): "skater girl", and really a spoiled rotten little bitch who's all 'depressed' for absolutely no valid reason. In fact, I'll bet people from bad homes or people with real depression would kick her ass if she ever had the gall to claim to be 'depressed' around them.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Purple...
Eye Color (include adjectives): Didn't see any mention, was probably too blinded by pain to notice.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Didn't see any mention, was probably too blinded by pain to notice.
Special Possessions (if any): Her skateboard.

Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Meets Legolas, with no questioning or apprehension he takes her to Rivendell where Elrond has apparently gone mad, as he lets her tag along with the Fellowship; nobody seems to have a problem with ths, which leads me to believe that Sauron was already working through the ring to make them all COMPLETELY INSANE. This "Candie" is probably one of his minions...no..no, not even Sauron would sink that low.
Annoying Special Abilities: Just read the samples...
Other Annoying Traits: ...again...samples...

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Oh Eru...it's not only 19 chapters of crappy teenage angst, it's also a SONGFIC!!


A/N: Finally! My new fanfic. This is the story of Candie, a very depressed 15-year-old girl who runs away from home because her life is a mess. I'm sure a lot of people can recognize themselves in Candie's story. This story is much more my style than "Miracles Happen", so please give it a try, especially if you liked "From Fiction to Reality" which has been banned for illegal content.

Warning: Candie's life is kind of like a musical comedy! Well, musical tragedy, actually. So there are a lot of songs in this fic. After "FF2R", I just couldn't do a fanfic with no songs. "FF2R" had a lot of Avril Lavigne songs in it. And there are no songs in "Miracles Happen", so.

Disclaimer: I own Candie, Angel, Maddie, Josh, and everybody else. But unfortunately I own none of the Lord of the Rings characters. (I would have loved to own Legolas! But Tolkien's got him.)





Why had she dumped Josh? After all, he was a nice guy, wasn't he? He loved her. He was always so sweet and so affectionate. So why on earth did she dump him?
That's just why. He was overprotective. He was treating her like she was a girl. OK, so she WAS a girl. But she was a tough cookie. She was a skater girl. Spending most of her life at the skatepark. She and Josh were from two different worlds. He simply didn't understand her. Didn't understand who she was deep inside.

Her dad was at his girlfriend's house. Candie didn't mind that he had a girlfriend, but did he HAVE TO go out with Pamela? She was such a witch. All bubblegum when Candie was around, but deep inside she knew she just wanted to get rid of her.
Candie's mother died when she was very little. Candie didn't know how old she was back then, but she knew she must have been pretty small because she didn't remember her mom at all.



To that really mean anonymous reviewer who called himself/herself "Canon Police": OK, you @#$%& person, what exactly is your problem? Here's what I've got to tell you: 1) This is my story and I do whatever I want with it, 2) I wanna have songs in my fics, I will. That's my style. You don't like it, fine. In that case: 3) Don't read it and BUG OFF. Who are you to criticize other people's fics if you don't write any yourself? (Ha ha, BURN!!!) Oh and I forgot: 4) Stop acting like a music expert when you're not one, because Avril Lavigne's music is pop-rock and Brandy's is R&B. So there.




The next thing she knew, she was seeing two blonde males standing in front of her. They were both pointing sharp arrows at her. The scariest thing was that they were wearing tunics and leggings and funny-looking shoes Candie couldn't find a name for. What's more, they had pointy ears.

Candie had a flashback from her dream of the night before. Could they be.. Elves?!

"Who are you and what are you doing here?" one of the blonde men asked her.

"The question is who are YOU," Candie shot back, dropping her arms down. She remembered she could defend herself. "And put down those bows and arrows."

The blonde guy looked surprised, but nevertheless repeated the question: "Who are you and where do you come from? I'm not putting the arrow down before you answer me."

Candie laughed out loud. The best thing in this kind of situation was to keep cool and not show the enemy she was afraid. "Do you think you scare me?" she asked coolly. "One false move and I'll punch your lights out. That goes for the two of you." The men were clearly astonished now. "DID YOU HEAR ME?" Candie screamed. "Put down the arrows before I hurt you!"




"What's going on?" a third voice came from the trees. Candie turned around to see another blonde guy mounted on a beautiful white horse approaching. "Who is she?" he asked, glaring at Candie.

"The question is not to know who I am, but who are YOU," Candie said, folding her arms across her chest. "Now would someone please kindly tell me what's going on because I don't have the slightest idea."

"I am the Prince Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood," said the guy on the horse, "and you have no business being in my woods. How did you get here?"

Candie gasped. This was too much. Prince Legolas Greenleaf? Wasn't that the name of the drop-dead gorgeous and damn sexy elf in the Lord of the Rings? "You mean you're a real elf?" Candie cried. She ran up to one of the other elves and pulled on his ear. Hard. The elf yelled in pain.

"Why did you crazy girl do that?" he screamed.

"To check out if you're a real elf," Candie replied, still unable to believe it.

"Of course I'm a real elf," the elf shot back angrily.

"OK, now that you know who we are we would like to know who you are," Legolas said, interrupting the argument. That girl was annoying him.

"I'm no one, also known as Candie, but so far you are the only ones to care to know who I am. My ex boi didn't care and Angel didn't care and now it turns out Maddie didn't care either because she played that cruel joke on me that caused me to end up here. And that's all I know," Candie said.




But, she doesn't need mental help, she just needs a good ass kicking like most spoiled brats who are mopey for no good reason.
"Ughh.. OK," Legolas said. He didn't understand a word of what she said, just that she obviously needed serious mental help.

"Where are you guys going?" Candie asked.

"To the council of Elrond, in Rivendell," Legolas replied.

"Cool. Can I come?" Candie asked, without even thinking about it. She was sure Elrond would be a total bore, and he would certainly make her wear a dress and probably put on her best manners (as if she had any manners at all) but who cares? If she really was in Middle Earth, then at least there had to be some benefits.

The elves looked at each other. "Well, sure," Legolas replied at last. He didn't really want her to come along, but they could just leave her there! Besides, maybe Elrond could find some way for her to go home.

Candie jumped on the horse next to Legolas. "So.. Where do you come from?" he asked her.

"An awful world you've never heard of, and hopefully never will," Candie replied.

Legolas decided it was safer not to ask any questions. The horses galloped through the woods for several hours before reaching...

"Rivendell!" Candie exclaimed. "Cool place." The horse hadn't even stopped yet, but she jumped down - and landed hard.

Legolas stopped the horse abruptly. "Are you OK? Are you hurt?" he cried.

Candie laughed out loud. She was so used to falling from her skateboard while trying dangerous tricks that this was nothing next to it. "I'm fine, man," she said. She threw down all her stuff, grabbed her skate and ran to the rail that separated the firm land from the river. [Author's note: I'm not sure it was a river. I just remember there was that water in Rivendell.. You see it in the movie.]

She jumped on her skate, then jumped on the rail. GRIND. She almost lost her balance and fell into the water, but luckily for her she managed to fall on the land instead of the water. She caught her skateboard just in time. "That was close," she muttered.

"Are you crazy or what?" Legolas yelled. "You could have fallen into the water! Or you could have hurt yourself!"

"Oh please, it's not like you care," Candie shot back angrily.




She shuddered. The darkness was getting to her. She wasn't used to it, and she couldn't see much. Gimli and Gandalf were doing great, and Legolas and Aragorn were OK with it too, but she, Boromir and the hobbits couldn't see much in this pitch-black darkness, and they tripped on just about every little thing they encountered on the ground. 'Shit!' Candie thought, 'If I trip one more time I'm gonna scream!'

As soon as she said that, she tripped on a little rock. "Aaargh!" she exclaimed. Some members of the Fellowship turned to see what was wrong, but others, like Aragorn, didn't even bat an eye.

"What's wrong?" Gandalf asked in a neutral voice, shining his staff on the ground at Candie's feet.

"I keep on tripping on just about everything!" Candie complained. "I'm not a cat! I can't see in the dark!"

"Well, I don't know what a cat is, but if you want to be able to see better, then walk faster and keep closer to the Light," Gandalf advised.



"One for the world of sins and technology!" she screamed. Swinging her skateboard fiercely, she joined the rest of the Fellowship. She whacked one smaller orc unconscious. At the same moment, an orc's arrow narrowly missed her head. "Show me what you're made of!" she shouted, jumping at the orc. She hit him with her skateboard. She punched him. But the orc fought back. His blade nearly cut her wrist, when Candie remembered a very effective self-defence technique.

She kicked the orc between his two legs.

He fell on the floor, yelling in pain. Candie grabbed the orc's sword and planted it right where she had just kicked him. A few seconds later the orc was dead.

Candie stepped back and gasped. She had just killed someone. Sure, it was an orc, but the realization of it scared her. So many people who didn't deserve to live were alive, and those who deserved to enjoy life were dead. She couldn't bring the ones who were dead back to life. So why should she kill those who didn't deserve to be on this Earth?




Can you tell I just LOVE this fic? *eye roll*
Then Gandalf told Frodo he'd help him, and so did Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas and Boromir. Then, Sam ran out of the bushes and was soon followed by Merry and Pippin. "We're coming too!" Pippin screamed and Merry added: "You'll have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us." To that, Pippin said: "Anyway, you need someone of intelligence on this sort of mission... quest... thing," and Merry whispered: "That rules you out, Pip."

"YESSS!" Candie shouted, jumping up and pumping her fist in the air. "Player Van Allen takes the pass, goes around the net and SCOOOOORES!!!" She was just too proud of herself for shutting Elrond up. She wanted to laugh but didn't. She wanted to savour her victory.

"Hum," Elrond said, clearing up his throat, "I think it would take one more person to make the Fellowship complete. Candace," he said.

"WHAT?" Candie yelled back as her head jerked up, revealing her eyes for the first time since the Council started. They were full of hatred. "What do I have to do with anything? And anyway, aren't there supposed to be nine people, since there are nine, ugh... ring-wraiths?"

"We're making an exception so that you could enjoy and benefit from this experience," Elrond told her.

Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir gasped, probably thinking this was just a mean, cruel joke from Elrond's part. Candie narrowed her eyes and said: "I'm not going, Elrond. You can't make me."

"Well, in that case you won't be staying here anymore. Nothing makes me keep you here," Elrond replied.

Candie was mad. What was she going to do? "I can pay rent!" she cried desperately.

Elrond just laughed. "I don't need your money. This is the end of the discussion. You'll be joining the Fellowship. Period."

Candie felt like crying. Everybody else, except for Merry and Pippin, looked quite shocked. Candie didn't know what to say or do so she grabbed her skateboard and ran off, not wanting anyone to see her tears.




Personally, again, I just want to administer a good ass kicking...
Candie ran to her room as fast as she could, slammed the door shut without bothering to lock it and crashed on her bed. Tears flew from her eyes and she had a hard time trying to stop them. She was so mad at Elrond for doing this to her. She didn't know what to do. She thought she had discovered a nearly perfect world, and now everything collapsed.
Candie's black mascara got all over her pillow. She tried to control her sobs but it was just too hard. Why was Elrond doing this to her? Why wouldn't everybody just leave her alone? Why must she endure all this?

After that little moment of sadness, Candie had a moment of craziness. She didn't know what got into her but it was as if she was possessed by some kind of devilish spirit. She got up and found her razor and manicure scissors in her backpack. Laughing evilly, she started cutting her hair. Little purple locks flew everywhere. Candie was just snipping her hair off, not caring how it would look. She was going nuts.


I can't do this anymore...I just can't...there are song lyrics in EVERY CHAPTER!! This..this..this has nothing redeemable, I've gone over it and over it, and all I can hear is "IT SUCKS!" It's not even well written, it's nothing more than obscene teenage angst. *bangs head on desk*

EDIT: I lied, I have to add this:
On the plus side, it means she'll probably die. That would be the only good thing about this fic.
"Go, Candace!" Gandalf shouted. "This is beyond anything you've ever imagined in your worst nightmares! None of you can face it!" He banged his staff on the stone bridge in emphasis.

Candie held back her tears. Did she really want to do the thing she was about to do? No, not really. She didn't exactly want to die. But she had no choice. It was either her or Gandalf.

"Gandalf, go!" Candie cried. "I'll do it."
She was determined. She was ready for it now. Ready to face the end.