Cutters and Self Harmers

Thanks for the welcome to the community.  Im not big on intro's, im kinda quiet really.  Im battling an eating disorder, and have recently started self harming again.  Ive been through periods of being free of it, but am struggling with so many battles in my head right now, its such a release for me.  Helps me feel something rather than all the torment being on the inside.  Im pretty secretive about it, and no one but my doctor knows that I do it.  Im on medication for my ed.  

Its great to find a community where people will actually understand the need to SI, and relate to me.  So thats it really ... im Kay by the way, I look forward to chatting to you.  Ill offer any support I can to anyone who needs it.

xx

Welcome to angelwatched, kandee30, madid, someone5150, unspoken17, wiltingangel88, xxfates_ironyxx and zelasmetallium!!

Your community membership is not permanent. If you post something to the community within the next week I will make it permanent; if you don't, you will lose your membership.

ericamcm

I was doing rather well with not cutting, but then I ran out of two of my medications and I got really depressed and started again. Im just now getting back into therapy. I saw the doctor yesterday and Im on depakote ER and she put me back on abilify and Im starting lexapro tomorrow or saturday. Has anyone been on lexapro and what was your experience? Just curious. I dont know Im just having a really rough time right now and im nervous im going to end up back in the hosptial again and i really cant afford that at all. I dont know.. there was a point to this post, but I must have lost it. I need help. =(

So lately i have been feeling really flat, I guess that is better than feeling depressed. Actually I really can't tell the differance. Is feeling flat or nothing better than feeling depressed. I know it is stupid but sometimes my feelings are confusing I just don't understand them some times. I have went for so long not allowing my self to feel, and then my therapist says feeling is good or whatever and now its just all strange and confusing ugh 

So my psychiatrist just added Wellbutrin to my cycle of cymbalta, busprione, and trazadone. Today I took my first pill for it and my head kind of felt buzzed and cloudy for a good hour. Part me is thinking that's just a placebo thing but I don't know for sure. I was just wondering if anyone has some information they can give me on it. I've looked at some information online and read what kind of side effects might happen and all that but I was just wondering about someone else's perspectives on it.

x-posted

I've never felt the release of cutting.  I've found myself wanting to, but I've fought the urge to try.  My sisters are the cutters.  I starve myself because I feel I don't deserve to eat.  I spend hours in depression looking at pill bottles and wondering if I could take just enough that they would think it was an accident or a that I had developed an allergy to it.  I've done the OD, the nights in the lock down ward where they didn't want to let me have my earrings or my warm jammies because I might strangle myself with the waist cord.  I've drank charcoal and had black diarrhea.  I've burned a few times, but I have never cut.

Is it because I'm strong, or because I'm chicken?

Psappho

I go by the name LadyPsappho, because Psappho or Sappho  was a Greek Poet and community leader of the all women's community on the island of Lesbos.  She was a bisexual who had been married at one time and had a daughter who lived with her on Lesbos.

I requested to join this cuttersselfharm because I have had urges to do myself harm by cutting or burning.  I have attempted suicide at least once by overdose and at one time I nearly stepped in front of a train, but was stopped by someone.

Both of my sisters are cutters.  My oldest sister has taken to drawing on herself instead of cutting and my middle sister has taken to piercing when she feels the need for pain.

Psappho

i'm new! my name is sarah, i'm 18 and from california. i have been cutting for a little over 3 years, tried to stop many times, and failed! i am also currently recovering from anorexia, and my two disorders are very closely linked (si as a form of punishment or coping). i really want to quit for good this time because i'm tired of scars, excuses, and i know that cutting isn't the best way to deal with my emotions (a very rational thought that i lose track of often). i just want to be normal and not follow the steriotype of a "cutter"

thanks everyone for your support!

Welcome to angels_smile91, back_to_sarah, bifempagan, ladypsappho, lovelybones89, whatididntsay, xdeadendkids and xx_xd_xx!!

Your community membership is not permanent. If you post something to the community within the next week I will make it permanent; if you don't, you will lose your membership.

ericamcm

Hi all. I'm new. Joined this group because I've got no where else to out these feelings.
I have been cutting for about 8 years now. I have so many scars up and down my left
arm - I'm right handed - and on my thighs. The word 'help' is the most recent. I feel the
urge a lot, I try to fight it off.
I began to take codeine tablets, I have a bad back so I can get a prescription from my
doctor for ones that are stronger than the average over the counter. I tend to hide it all
from everyone. Thankfully its cold now, I can wear jumpers with no questions. It's hard
in summer.
That's all I can think of writing.

Welcome to asharose, butterflyesque, gfxgurl, maliceee, marigold4, megans_pain, mirrorlietome, not_on_my_life, radioburnv1, saraaax, starkcave, suicide_islove and yoursunset11!!

Your community membership is not permanent. Please post something to the community within the next week and I will make it permanent.

ericamcm

It's been almost one month since I cut myself and I'm getting the urge to do it again. It's hard for me to breathe  and I feel like I'm suffocating. I don't wanna cut but I don't know what else to do. It's the only thing that makes me feel better when I get like this.

I'm not sure how many people there are from Pennsylvania in here but there are SMA meetings (self mutilators anonymous)..for anyone who is interested in recovery or with getting help and taking a step toward recovery.
i contacted the person about these groups and was told due to the not good turn out they have been cancelled.
I'm trying to spread the word and get the
meetings going again.I would like to see those who are serious about recovering or getting help or anything to contact the email address that will be left about starting this group back up. I need it badly right now.. my brother just died on the fourth of July and I was recently rejected by 20 referrals my insurance company had given me. I was rejected because I'm a self mutilator
well here is the information for meetings in Pennsylvania ..

Downingtown,Pa
Thursdays 7pm-8pm
this is a self injury anonymous support group
Central Presbuterian Church
route 113
this is a closed adult support group


I realize it says adult..so contact this email for any information or questions
stefslm@aol.com


thank you ..and delete this if its not allowed.if its not allowed,sorry I posted it

 My cuts itch so bad :(

The word F A I L U R E is carved into my left thigh.
But it's fading.
So I'm quite tempted to pick up a shard of the broken mirror and make sure it noticeably scars.

Panadeine-15.
Reccommended adult dosages 2.
I've decided to take 5.

I don't know a thing about prescription drugs or how to get high on them or anything like that.
I'm not really feeling anything from them anyway.
My stomach was feeling a bit strange before, but nothing now.
So I'm thinking of taking another.
No, now I'm taking a Panadeine Forte.
Which apparently has 15mg more codeine phosphate.

Yeah I don't know what I'm doing or why I posted this. (:

hey..im new here. 
 my name's nora. i 'm 26 and have been cutting since 2001, when my father passed away. i had been physically abused from the time i was 5, and remember every goddamn moment of it. my mom was the problem. my dad never laid a  hand on me. he always tried to stop her. it's lke...i don't know...when my dad passed away...it was like..."oh, shit. all i've been doing is surviving, and he was hte only reason for that...' So, i was never really 'living'. i just...flipped. it happened almost by accident. I never knew it could be so addicting. I haven't actually, in almost a year. the longest *ever* i've ever gone. 

I have 4 psych disorders ( BPD, PTSD, rapid cycling bipolar, schizophrenic/dissociative episodes) and 2 chronic pain conditions ( fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome) with an autoimmune disorder -- Epstein Barr Virus. So working is a *bitch*. i've been looking for something i can do part time with my laptop, etc. i've also been applying for regular jobs too...but yeah. its really really  hard. i can't stand for more than an hour without excruiating *all over * pain.

you know, i find it ironic....that i wasn't *allowed* to fight back, talk back, to say anything to anyone, to try to escape from the abuse. but *now* my body is making no qualms about being vocal about the pain its in. its almost like it was building up...even though i didn't start getting sick until the beginning of 2002. Like, my body is saying "there's no way you can shut your mouth about *this*. They ( family/friends) couldn't see the pain i was in, but now it's all too loud and grating and obvious. in the same token, i don't feel there's a link between depression and physical pain, because i've had *great* days ( weekends, even...with good friends) and i've *still* been in excrutiating pain. it pisses me off so badly when people write off chronic pain on depression. as if a freikin anti-D is gonna make it all go away. It doesn't. It just doesn't...i hate that kind of ignorance.

i should have graduated college 3 years ago, but i kept having trouble with classes. my student loans are in defferment, so i have to save up massive amounts of money to start paying them back next year. i owe a whole semester's worth of tuition before i can take classes again,. and i only have 7 of them left. my mom still is/always will be an abusive c*nt. she hasn't gone a day without emotionally abusing me since i've been back. i've also had to leave the house at 2, 3 in the am because she's flipping out and physically threatening me,...
so i've been trying since like april to get the fuck *out*. i thought i was moving to another borough in my city ( new york city) but that didnt work out. so i have to go back to the town where my school is. even though i cant go back to *school*. i just wanna graduate already, but i'm so irrepairably f!cked up that i don't think i'd see it as a huge accomplishment. that doesnt stop me from wanting it badly though.

i sing, write my own songs/monologues/short plays. so i have outlets...but still. its just so goddamn exhausting. to freikin survive this.

i have about a month to left to figure out how to freikin get some money...( at the very least to get up to school, and 2 or 3 months rent)

i dont know anymore. i think im gonna crash bad when it sets in that i can't take classes. i'll sing in chorus though, to try and keep my head above water. i wanna hang out with my friend but we haven't seen eachother in a long time. long story short, she was the one who took me to the hospital twice, and Univ. Police once...feelings of guilt/lack of self worth ensue. She never really kept in touch after i came down to NYC...but finally in December she responded to a facebook email. we're on eachothers buddy list. she;'s always very busy, but when she's on i can't seem to i/m her. its like i spent so much energyy beating up on myself over the whole thing, that i just...don;t care anymore. but i wrote her a letter ( which i wont give her) that says quite the opposite. its everything im basically feeling...but i guess that's a borderline thing. not knowing which bundle of feelings is the real thing...

So, let me introduce myself. Hi, I'm 15 years old and have been cutting for about 2 years. Many times I have tried to stop, but all of those attempts have been unsuccessful.  Recently, I realized that life isnt a game, and that whatever I do now, I have to live with, and I don't really want to live with this "addiction". So after encouraging from a good friend, who used to cut also, I decided to throw away my razors into the dumpster by my house. It's been about a week since I threw them away, and I have so far been successful in my attempt to stop. Lately, I've been getting more urges to cut, and have been sort of fantasizing about cutting really deep. But I think I have the will to not give in.

So yeah, thats my story...
Thanks:)

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ericamcm