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Well, today is my 90-days, and I finished Step 1 with my sponsor last night. This is the second time I’ve hit 90-days-although the first time it wasn’t exactly honest-but unlike the first time, I’m not completely burned out with the program, because I’ve actually gotten into step work. And what a difference it’s made. Last time I sort of felt like, after 90-days, I was going to ‘graduate’ or something, and I’d put SO much focus on making 90 meetings in 90-days that it had become JUST about physically being at the meeting. As long as I physically made it to a meeting, or even to half of one, then I would check another day off on the calendar, and that was it. I wasn’t listening to anything at the meetings, so obviously I wasn’t getting anything out of them. They were a distraction from drinking, but not much else. I didn’t get involved with any sort of service and I wasn’t working with a sponsor. I didn’t even have a sponsor. It’s not that I had a desire to just dry out for those 90-days then start drinking again, and it’s not that I had any doubt that I was an alcoholic (acceptance was not a problem for me). I guess it’s just that I didn’t understand that the program could offer me anything except for not drinking. And on the same not, I wasn’t aware that I wanted anything other than to not drink. I know that the program only promises you that if you don’t drink, one day at a time, you won’t get drunk, but it’s possible to get so much more from the steps, and it took a short but severe relapse for me to realize that not drinking just wasn’t enough for me. So, 90-days ago, I called a woman and asked her to meet with me. I met her for coffee, shaking like a leaf from withdrawal and nervous as hell, and told her that I was done. I told her I wanted what she had and was willing to go to any lengths to get it, she agreed to work with me and I’ve never looked back. I’ve been blessed this time around to have had the obsession lifted a lot more so far, and I’ve also been given the gift of willingness. And it’s because of these two things, and the grace of my HP, that I don’t want to drink or use today, and that I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. I have a long way to go, but I’m in no rush, and I know this time that I’ll never ‘graduate’ from this program. I’m just learning how to deal with life on life’s terms, and to live without using one day at a time. And that’s MORE than enough for me!
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