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Ephram/Colin fic, "Realization," rated PG-13
This is the seventh part in the series, following "Instinct," "Expectation," "Want," "Bliss," "Revelation," and Numb.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, etc.
Feedback: Yes, I'm a total Feedback Whore, in case I haven't made that clear. ;)

Hope you enjoy!



“Ephram?” Andy’s tension-filled voice invaded Ephram’s dreams and a hand shook his shoulder, roughly. “Ephram, wake up!”

“Dad?” Ephram blinked and looked up at his father’s concerned face. “What’s wrong?”

Andy knelt beside the couch and sighed, relieved. “You didn’t wake up the first time I called your name, I was afraid you had a concussion. What happened, who did this to you?”

Ephram tried to clear his mind and shake off the cobwebs of sleep, the last whispers of his dream of Colin slipping away. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. I fell in gym.”

“You fell?” Andy was incredulous. “Onto someone’s fist? Ephram, tell me who did this.”

Ephram sat up and winced, the pain in his ribs intense. “Dad, it’s fine, okay? Just leave it. I’m not going to narc, that’ll just make things worse.”

“You’re in pain, let me look at your stomach.” Andy pulled the hem of Ephram’s shirt up and over his head, despite Ephram’s protests. Bruises had begun forming where he’d been kicked. “Ephram, this is not nothing! I’m calling the police.”

“No! Dad, please. I’ll live, okay? If you call the police, it’ll just make things worse and they’ll treat me like even more of a faggot.”

“You are not a faggot.” Andy busied himself, poking and prodding Ephram’s ribs.

Ephram looked at his father for a few moments and winced as Andy tended to his bruised ribs. Finally he got the nerve to speak. “Yeah, I am, Dad.”

Andy glanced up, distracted by his exploration of Ephram’s injuries. “What?”

“I said, I am.”

His father blinked. “You’re confused Ephram, a lot has happened. You shouldn’t jump to any conclusions…”

Ephram cut him off. “Dad, I’m gay.”

There, he’d said it.

Andy took this in silently, then slowly stood up. Ephram kept his eyes downcast and put his shirt back on, suddenly feeling too exposed. He waited for his father to leave, but Andy sat beside him on the couch.

“Okay, you’re gay. But I have to ask – are you sure? With everything that’s happened, you must be very confused right now, how can you know what you’re really feeling?”

“I just know. It’s like…I don’t know, it’s like you grow up drinking Coke, and it’s pretty good. I mean, you’re supposed to like it, so you never really think about it. But then one day, someone gives you Cherry Coke, and it’s like, amazing. Then, you realize that you really liked it all along, you just didn’t know it.”

Andy took this in, then smiled slightly. “Okay, I see what you mean. So, you think that it’s not just Colin, that…you’re attracted to other men.”

Ephram squirmed, embarrassed. “Um, yeah. I think I’ve always have been, but whenever I thought about it, I’d just make myself think of something else, something normal.”

“It is normal, don’t ever think it isn’t. Promise me.” Ephram nodded and mumbled a promise. “And Ephram,” Andy waited until Ephram’s eyes met his, “you know that I love you just the way you are, right? I don’t care…what kind of Coke you like, you’re my son and I love you.” Ephram nodded again and looked down at his hands. “And your mother loved you too, no matter what, and I know the same goes for your sister.”

Ephram tried to swallow the lump in this throat, but the tears were already spilling out of his eyes. “Thanks, Dad. I know I’m a total jerk sometimes, but thanks. For everything.” Ephram hugged his father as tightly as his bruised ribs would allow, then pulled away and retreated upstairs.

In the bathroom, he ran the water and looked at his bruises in the mirror, growing darker and darker as the hours passed. “I’m gay.” He continued looking at his reflection and said it again. And again, and again, and again. The words still sounded foreign to his ears and felt strange on his tongue.

But the more he said them, the more they became his own.

---------------------------------

Although Andy had told him he could stay home, Ephram once again insisted on going to school. His pride wouldn’t allow him to hide. The stares and the whispers continued, and he tried in vain to block them out. He focused on his notes, his textbooks, the blackboard, on anything but the other students mocking him.

His locker had been half-heartedly scrubbed clean by the janitor. The letters were faded, but still visible to someone who knew they were there, which was everyone, of course. Ephram tried to avoid the area, taking his backpack with him everywhere.

He caught a glimpse of Colin and Amy in the hall before lunch, and his stomach lurched. He reminded himself of Colin’s betrayal and told himself not to feel that tingle that he did whenever he saw him. He tried not to remember how warm Colin’s breath had been on his face, how right it had felt being with him – only focusing on the hurt he felt now.

He failed miserably.

Ephram sighed and headed towards the cafeteria, catching sight of Wendell at his locker. “Hey.” Wendell looked at him, and then looked away quickly, intent on fiddling with his textbooks. “I said, hey.” Ephram was growing angry.

“Look, I can’t be seen with you, alright? No offense, but you aren’t going to do my reputation any good.” Wendell still wouldn’t meet his eyes.

“Oh, how could I possibly be offended by that? I saved your butt the other day, and this is what I get in return?”

“What do you want from me, Ephram? In case you haven’t noticed, you’re the talk of the school. I heard you totally molested Colin Hart or something. Look, if that’s what you’re after, despite what the jock cretins might think, I don’t swing that way. So thanks for the bail-out the other day, and I’m sorry, but I have enough problems already, you know?”

Ephram shook his head and walked away. At the end of the hall he slammed into the bathroom, hurt and angry. So, he officially had no friends. The years before college and eventual escape stretched out before him, impossibly long.

He went into one of the stalls and sat down, unable to face the cafeteria and the hundreds of eyes which would surely be looking his way. The outer door opened, and someone walked in. He paused briefly before entering the stall next to Ephram’s.

After a minute of silence, Ephram wondered whether his neighbour had a case of stage fright. Then, a piece of paper, folded into a small square, landed on his shoe. Ephram reached down and picked it up. His heart pounded as he unfolded it.

In a childish scrawl that Ephram immediately recognized from study sessions for History, the note simply said, “I’m sorry.” Ephram could hear nothing from Colin on the other side of the wall; he wondered if he was holding his breath.

Finally, Ephram spoke, quietly. “What do you want me to say?” Silence met his question. “Let me guess, this is the part where I just forgive you, and tell you everything’s going to be alright? Sorry, Colin, I can’t do it. You just sold me out, to…to everyone. I’m not going to be your…fuck buddy or whatever anymore. You can go to hell.” Ephram crumpled the note and tossed it on the floor.

He was halfway to the exit when Colin burst out of the stall. “Wait, please! Ephram, you have to talk to me! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Colin grabbed his arm and pulled Ephram back into the stall behind him.

Ephram snatched his arm from Colin’s grasp and stood as far away as he could in the small quarters. “Don’t touch me.” Colin lowered his hand, reluctantly. “Are you going to tell the truth? Are you going to tell your parents that it was you who bought the booze? That you wanted to be with me? That I didn’t fucking MOLEST you?”

“Shhh. Someone might come in.”

“I don’t fucking care, Colin! Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”

Colin looked at him, his eyes glistening. He raised his hand and gently touched Ephram’s bruised face. Ephram was pressed against the door, unable to recoil any further. “Ephram, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry they hurt you. I’m sorry for everything. I’m just…I’m just so scared. They expect so much, I…I don’t want to disappoint them. But I want to be with you so bad.”

His fingertips danced over Ephram’s cheek. Ephram leaned into his touch, despite himself. Colin kissed him gently, his hands moving into Ephram’s hair, pulling his face closer. The kiss deepened and Colin’s tongue glided into Ephram’s mouth. Ephram knew he should resist, but he couldn’t. He wrapped his arms around Colin and pain seared his ribs, but he didn’t care.

The bathroom door opened and Colin broke the kiss. They both held their breath and hugged each other tightly. The urinal flushed and the intruder left, the door swinging shut behind him. Their lips found each other’s again.

When they finally broke apart, Colin smiled. “Everything’s going to be okay. It can just be our secret, we’ll find a way.”

Ephram pushed him back violently and Colin sprawled over the toilet. He looked at Colin in disbelief, shaking his head. “You don’t want to be with me. You want to keep dating Amy so everyone still thinks you’re their golden boy. Meanwhile, I lose everything, but get to be your dirty little secret? Fuck you, Colin. Don’t talk to me again, don’t touch me again, just don’t come near me.” Colin reached out, but Ephram pushed him again and opened the door. He turned before he left. “I hate you,” he said.

Ephram flew home on his bike, unable to face the rest of the day at school, his piano calling to him once again.

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Later, exhausted again after playing for a few hours, Ephram slept in his room. Delia’s tentative voice woke him. “Ephram, dinner’s ready. Dad ordered your favourite, pepperoni pizza.”

Ephram sat up and rubbed his eyes. Delia hovered beside the bed. “You okay, Delia?” She nodded, unconvincingly. “Sit down, tell me what’s wrong.” He moved over and she sat next to him.

“Ephram, what’s a fag?” Ephram’s throat went dry and his heart rate increased.

“Why, where did you hear that word?”

“At school. Greg Pearson said that his sister said you were a fag. What’s it mean?”

Ephram groaned internally. “Did you ask Dad?”

“No, I thought you might be in trouble, so I wanted to ask you first. They said it like it was a bad word.”

“Um, well…it means that…um, you know how Dad fell in love with Mom and married her?” Delia nodded. “Well, that’s because he likes women. And most guys do. But some boys don’t like girls that way. They don’t want to fall in love with them. They fall in love with other guys instead.”

“You mean, they’re gay?”

“Yeah. I…I wasn’t sure if you understood that concept.” Ephram took a deep breath, realizing he’d been holding it.

“Dad explained it once. I saw two boys holding hands, and I couldn’t figure out why.”

“Oh. Well, yeah, a fag is a name some people call gay people, but it’s not very nice.”

Delia mulled this over. “So, does that mean you’re gay?”

Ephram took a deep breath and blew it out. “Yeah, I’m gay. I like other boys instead of girls. But a lot of people think it’s wrong, and they’ll say mean things about me, things that aren’t true. And you have to tell me and Dad if they do, okay? I don’t want anyone giving you a hard time because I’m a freak.”

“You’re not a freak. What’s wrong with liking boys? I like boys, why shouldn’t you?”

“That’s…complicated.”

“Well, I don’t care what other people say, Ephram.” She snuggled into his side and Ephram had to fight back tears for what felt like the hundredth time since he’d fled Colin’s shed.

“I love you, Delia. I don’t say it enough, but you know I do, right?”

Delia looked up and nodded. “Yeah, I know. I love you, too.”

“Hey, this pizza isn’t going to eat itself.” Andy stood in the doorway, smiling at his children. “Last one down’s a rotten egg!” Delia squealed and ran from the room.

Ephram was happy to let her win.