Current mood:

accomplished

Ephram/Colin fic: "Numb," rated PG-13
Well, Colin isn't really in this part (or the last), but he'll be back, don't worry. :)

Disclaimer: I own nothing, etc.
Feedback: Thanks SO much for all the feedback on the previous parts, everyone has been great. But I'd love more, it makes me incredibly, pathetically happy.

Enjoy!



Numb


Ephram sat on his bed, his head resting against the wall. He’d stayed in the shower until the water had run cold. He couldn’t hear anything from downstairs, but had gone right to his room, changed into his pajamas and settled in.

He knew he could go downstairs and find out what was going on, but exhaustion had crept into his bones. He knew the moment would come, with or without his help.

Finally, his father knocked at his door. Unlike in the past, he waited for a response. Ephram couldn't help but feel that this was a wall springing up between them. He wondered how long his father would wait. Would he knock again? Or just turn away?

He knocked again.

“Come in.”

Ephram hadn’t bothered with the pretense of an open comic book, or his Discman. He sat, waiting.

Andy lowered himself onto the bed and faced Ephram, who examined his hands. “Well, Mr. Hart is very upset. He was talking about calling the police.” Ephram’s head shot up and Andy raised his hand. “It’s okay, I talked him out of it. I think his wife helped, too. She’s not keen on the whole town knowing about this.”

“You think I am?”

“No, Ephram, of course not. Listen, I have to ask you something. Were you drinking?”

Shit. The scotch. Colin’s little pick-me-up. Ephram felt worry twist in his gut. It wasn’t right for Colin to be drinking, he knew it was a sign of bigger problems. Yeah, like him, he thought scornfully. Maybe Colin had to get drunk to want to touch him.

“Ephram, I’m waiting. Were you drinking?”

“I only had a couple of sips, it was nothing.”

“Nothing?” Andy’s voice was raised. “You know better than that! Look at what happened to Colin, why would you give him alcohol?”

The dread in the pit of Ephram’s stomach began to take form, snake through his body until he could feel it in his fingers, his toes. His throat felt like sandpaper. “I didn’t give it to him.”

“Ephram, don’t lie to me.”

“Lie to you? You think I’m lying to you?” Ephram was almost shouting. “Did you hear what I told you on the porch? Did you? You think I’d lie to you about some stupid booze?”

Andy tried to placate him. “Okay, okay. You’re going to upset your sister, lower your voice.” When Ephram sat back against the wall again and took a deep breath, Andy continued. “So, you’re saying you didn’t bring the alcohol over there? You didn’t give it to Colin?”

“No, I didn’t. He’s the one who had it, he gave it to me.”

Andy considered this. “The Harts say that they don’t have any alcohol in the house, and after what happened with the accident, I believe them. But if you say you didn’t bring it, then I believe you too. I checked downstairs and nothing seems to be missing.”

“Oh, so you believe me, but you still double checked to make sure.” Ephram shook his head.

“I’m sorry Ephram, but you did get brought home by the police one night, drunk as a skunk, if I do recall.”

Ephram couldn’t deny this. He said nothing.

“Have you seen Colin drinking before?”

Ephram shook his head. “I thought it was weird. I don’t know where he got it, he said he had his ways.” He snorted contemptuously. “Yep, he certainly has his ways of getting things.”

Andy tilted his head, looked at Ephram more closely. “Ephram…did Colin…talk you into anything? Did he pressure you into doing things you didn’t really want to?”

Ephram realized the opportunity had arisen to play Colin’s game, to lob the blame back into his court. He could tell his father that it was Colin who made the first move, that it was Colin who had been controlling all the points.

It was Colin who was the cocksucker.

But Ephram knew, as the idea ricocheted around his brain, that although he hadn’t actually done the deed, the name belonged to him as well. It was in him; it might as well have been imprinted in his DNA.

Maybe it was, and had just taken its own time kicking into effect.

He thought of Colin. Of his eyes, his lips, his hands, his sighs. He knew that even though Colin seemed to have no problem doing so, he couldn’t betray him with lies.

He couldn’t betray himself.

“No, Dad. Colin didn’t make me do anything. He was the one who made the first move, but I knew what I was doing. I wanted to do it. I just…it’s hard to explain.”

Andy nodded, and Ephram thought he detected a passing look of disappointment in his eyes.

“So, you said you like Colin.”

Ephram almost laughed. Colin had sold him down the river so effortlessly. He should hate him. He did feel whispers of anger starting to rise up, which would soon demand to be heard. Yet he couldn’t deny to himself that he loved Colin. That more than anything, he wanted to be with him, to hold him close again.

He suddenly understood that he might never get the chance again and a tremor shook him. Not since his mother’s death had he so desperately wanted to reach into the past and grab onto a moment that had passed him by.

He simply said, “yeah, I like him.”

“So, is this more than just sexual? I mean, you have…romantic feelings for Colin? Because a lot of boys your age have sexual encounters with other boys, it’s normal. Not a lot of men talk about it, but it happens.”

“I don’t think this is the normal kind of thing. Sorry to disappoint you. I don’t need the Great Doctor Brown to analyze me.”

Andy sighed. “Ephram, please, I’m not attacking you. I’m trying…I’m trying to understand. Okay? This has just all come out of left field and I’m doing the best I can.”

“Dad, I’m really tired. Can we not talk about this now?”

“Sure, it’s been a long day.” He just sat and looked at Ephram, until Ephram turned his head toward the window. “Well, Mr. Hart wants you to promise to stay away from Colin. Will you do that? I know we need to figure some things out, and for now, I think it’s a good idea.”

Ephram had been expecting this, but hearing the words out loud didn’t make them any less painful. How could he still want to see Colin after what had happened? He tried to focus on his burgeoning anger. “Did Colin say that I brought the scotch?”

“I assume so. I’m sure he’s very confused, Ephram. His parents have put a lot of expectations on him and a situation like this could really increase the strain.”

“Don’t. Don’t make excuses for him.” He felt strangely betrayed by his father. “You’re supposed to be on my side, remember?” Andy opened his mouth and Ephram cut off his protestation. “I’ll stay away from him, don’t worry.”

“Okay.” He sighed and stood up. “Goodnight, kiddo. Don’t worry, everything’s going to be fine.”

Ephram nodded and turned away onto his side, pulling the blanket up over his shoulders. He knew his father was still standing by his bed. “Goodnight, Dad.”

“One more thing, Ephram. I’m always on your side. Remember that.”

He heard the click of the door and sighed. He was amazed to discover that he still had more tears to cry, and didn’t bother to wipe them away.

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Before Ephram opened his eyes, he knew he was not alone in the bed. For a moment, in the twilight just before waking, he imagined that it was Colin, that they had spent the night together, their naked limbs entwined.

The thought evaporated as the memory of the day before crashed down upon him. He saw it all again in fast-forward and nausea sprang to life, washing over his body. Ephram turned slightly and discovered that he hadn’t been imagining the sound of someone else breathing, that Delia was curled up beside him.

He watched her sleeping, guiltily. He had cried himself to sleep, exhaustion finally overtaking him. Had Delia needed him in the night? She hadn’t watched any potentially nightmare-inducing movies lately, at least not that he knew of.

Her eyes opened and she looked at him, blearily.

“Hey. You have a nightmare? You should have woken me.” He wondered why she hadn’t gone to their father’s room.

“No. Everything’s fine.” She rubbed her eyes.

Ephram smiled at how badly his sister lied. “So, why are you here then? Come on, Delia, something must have freaked you out.”

She regarded him for a few moments before speaking. “Well, when I’m scared, it always makes me feel better when you sleep with me. So, I thought maybe I could make you feel better and make whatever it is that’s scaring you go away.”

Ephram’s heart contracted and he swallowed the sudden lump in his throat. Getting verklempt, Nonny would say. He turned on his side and faced Delia, then reached out and brushed her hair away from her face.

“Don’t worry, okay? I’m fine.”

“Then why were you crying? Ephram, I’m not stupid. I know I don’t understand things that you and Dad do, but I know when things are wrong.”

“I know you do, I’m sorry. Things are just…really confusing right now, okay? I’m going through some stuff and I’ll try to explain it to you later. I don’t really understand it myself. But it’s going to be fine.”

Ephram had to believe that. He had a responsibility to Delia; things had to be okay for her.

“Okay, Ephram.” She moved closer and he wrapped his arms around her and stroked her hair.

“Delia, thanks for coming in here and scaring the monsters away. I feel much better.”

Ephram held her and wished that he could stay in his room all day. He knew his father would let him miss school, but he understood that if he didn’t face it today, he might never go back. He tried to think of any reason that Amy would have told anyone and could think of none. Maybe it would be okay, maybe no one would know.

He thought of Amy and Colin walking the halls together, the King and Queen and their royal court. It was going to be a long day.

---------------------------------------------

As Ephram walked to second period, he could feel the stares on his back and hear the whispers. He assumed the news had somehow rocketed around the school during homeroom. He knew Colin would have nothing to gain from telling anyone, and felt renewed anger at Amy, whom he had considered a friend, despite everything.

The buzz of chatter ceased when he walked into English class. All eyes were on Ephram as he took his seat. Even Ms. Stiffler regarded him suspiciously. He opened his notebook and stared intently at its contents. Throughout class he could still hear whispers, although he was thankful he couldn’t make them out.

Ephram didn’t want to know what they were saying.

Walking to his next class, the scrutiny in the halls had increased tenfold. Ephram didn’t think it was an exaggeration to say that everyone knew. He saw Amy in the hallway ahead, with Kayla and Paige.

As he walked up to her, he had the attention of all students in the vicinity. Kayla saw his approach and put a protective arm around Amy. “Get lost, freak,” she said, as lovely as ever.

“I want to talk to you, Amy. Now.” Ephram was pleased at how in-control he sounded.

Amy refused to meet his eyes. “I have nothing to say.”

“Yeah? Well, too bad.” Ephram grabbed her by the arm and pulled her into a nearby classroom, which was blessedly empty. He locked the door behind them, as Kayla and Paige banged on it. Finally, Amy went to the window in the door and waved them away.

“Fine, Ephram. Talk.” Her arms were crossed, her expression tight.

“How could you tell everyone? I mean, for Colin’s sake, if not mine.”

“I didn’t. You think I wanted everyone to find out? God, do you know how embarrassing this is for Colin? For me?”

“What about me?” Ephram was incredulous.

“Why should I care about you, Ephram? After what you did to my boyfriend? You make me sick.”

“I didn’t do anything he didn’t want.” Amy opened her mouth to protest, but Ephram went on, “believe what you want, Amy, but I would never hurt him. And I’m sorry that I hurt you. But I thought that everything that happened, after all the times I was there for you, that you would have at least kept your mouth shut.”

“Look, Ephram. After you left, the Harts told me to go, said they’d take care of Colin. I needed to talk to someone. So, when I got home I told Bright. I didn’t know that my mother’s stupid friend, Mrs. Clark was over. We were in the kitchen and I guess she went to use the bathroom and stopped to eavesdrop. Then she told her husband when she got home and her daughter heard. You know, Samantha Clark? Like mother, like daughter, I guess.”

Ephram digested this. “So, what are they saying? That I’m some crazy queer who molested poor, innocent Coma Boy?”

“Well, that’s what happened, isn’t it?” Amy’s voice was a high screech. Soon only dogs would be able to hear her. “Colin has been through so much, I can’t believe you would take advantage of him like that. What, you figured you’d get him drunk and then he’d be easier to talk into it?”

Ephram shook his head, but knew that Amy would have to hear it from Colin before she’d ever believe the truth. Besides, it would kind of be like outing him if Ephram told Amy everything that had happened.

He couldn’t do it. He reminded himself that Colin would, but it made no difference.

Amy starting talking again. “Why didn’t you ever tell me, Ephram? I mean, why did you kiss me in the mine? Why did you hang around me so much, if you were like this all along?”

“I kissed you because I wanted to. I liked you, Amy. But I’ve realized that I like guys more.” Ephram thought about how strange it was to say it out loud, to Amy, of all people.

“Well, couldn’t you find someone else…the same way? Why did you have to exploit Colin’s friendship like that? He trusted you.”

“Look, stuff happened. But…it’s confusing, okay? It’s complicated.” Amy just stared at him, her lips a tight line of anger. He went on, “is Colin here today? I haven’t seen him.”

Amy snorted. “And you’re the last person he’d want to see. His parents thought he should stay home today, he’s been through a lot. We don’t want to push him.”

Ephram had to struggle not to laugh in her face. They had Colin wound so tight, it was only a matter of time before he snapped. He sighed. “I don’t think there’s any point in talking about this anymore, because you won’t believe anything I say. We should get to class.” Ephram unlocked the door and opened it.

“Oh, so I’m dismissed, am I?”

He turned back in the doorway. “Yeah, Amy. You’re dismissed.”

Kayla and Paige were waiting anxiously for Amy in the hallway and they shrank back against the lockers when Ephram emerged. He gave them a wide berth, which suited him just fine.

Classes were already in session and Ephram remembered with a queasy feeling that he was late for his least-favourite period: gym. He thought of skipping, but his pride insisted that he go. He changed quickly and joined the rest of the class in the gym.

The coach looked like he was about to make a sarcastic comment, but then thought better of it. He simply told Ephram to join in doing laps around the gym’s perimeter.

Ephram did as he was told and fell into step with the other students. The boys closest to him moved away, one hissing, “faggot!” Ephram concentrated on his feet and tried to block them out. He could see Bright ahead of him. Ephram knew that their inevitable confrontation would not be pleasant.

After what seemed like an eternity of running and then basketball drills, class was over. Ephram hurried into the change room, hoping to get out before Bright and his cronies had a chance to corner him.

Naturally, there was no chance of this. Everyone changed quickly, as far away from Ephram as they could get. Most of the class knew their place, and filed out past the guards that had been stationed at the door, although they clearly wanted to stay and see the show. When Ephram tried to join them, he was shoved back into the lockers.

“Where do you think you’re going, faggot?” Ephram couldn’t remember the name of the boy who was sneering in his face. He didn’t answer.

“Well? What’s the matter, cat got your tongue, freak? Here, let me loosen it up.”

The punch landed on the left side of Ephram’s jaw, and his head snapped back. Before he could react, someone else was there, punching him in the gut. Ephram dropped to the floor, gasping.

“Can’t wait to get on your knees, huh, queer? Yeah, that’s where you like it.” A foot caught him in the ribs and Ephram fell on his side and curled his knees in. “Stay the fuck away from Colin, you freak of nature. You got it, cocksucker?” Ephram felt like his lungs where going to explode from lack of air. Another kick landed. “Huh? You got it, fag?”

“That’s enough.” Bright’s voice was commanding as he pulled the boy away. Everyone in the room looked at him questioningly, including Ephram, who was still huddled on the floor. Bright went on, “think about the team. We’ll all get suspended; it’s not worth it. You guys go to lunch. I’ll take care of it. Ephram and I are going to have a little chat.”

There was much laughter and slapping of backs as the others filed out. Ephram remained on the floor, his knees to his chest.

“You okay, man?”

Ephram blinked and looked up, puzzled. Bright sounded…concerned. Ephram flinched away when Bright reached down towards him.

“What the fuck do you care? Just do what you’re going to do and get out.” Ephram struggled into a seated position, his arm held protectively against his ribs. Bright just stood, staring at him.

Ephram pulled himself up onto a nearby bench, with a great deal of effort. He looked at Bright, who hadn’t moved. “What? Are the words too confusing for you? Maybe you should take notes. Queer, faggot, freak and cocksucker should cover it. Just sound them out in your head and you’ll get the hang of it.”

Bright moved to his locker silently and packed up his bag.

“What, you’re not going to tell me how I should stay the hell away from Colin and how I’m a disgusting freak and how you know Colin would never do that with another guy?”

Bright’s hand was on the door when he answered and he didn’t turn to face Ephram. “No. Because I know he would.” Before Ephram could register what Bright had said, the door had swung shut behind him. He stared at it, dazed.

Eventually, Ephram got dressed, his body screaming in agony. The hallways were deserted and he realized that he’d sat in the change room for longer than he’d thought. Everyone was back in class, lunch over.

As he neared his locker, he could see the writing on it. “FAGGOT,” it screamed at him. Ephram didn’t break his stride as he passed by. His lungs felt like they were burning in the fresh air, and he wobbled on his bike.

The house was quiet. Ephram was on his way to the bathroom to examine his injuries when he stopped. He walked to the piano and opened the lid, sitting down on the bench. He didn’t need to look at the sheet music as his fingers began flying over the keyboard.

He played and played, and eventually the pain numbed. He poured himself into the music, as if it could stop the progress of the bruises that were forming on his body. As long as he was playing, he felt free.

Finally, he curled up on the couch, utterly spent. But the melodies echoed in his mind, and he fell into a blissful sleep. He dreamt of Colin. They swirled together, laughing and dancing.

Then, they were flying, over the mountains and away, taking only the music with them.