jamin_law (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} jamin_law) wrote in ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} alien_suicide,@ 2004-08-13 06:57:00 |
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CHAPTER 26: TRANSGENDER DRAMA QUEENS
We woke up at sunset, and the hunger that I had fallen asleep with had transferred to my stomach. So the first thing I did was throw on clothes so I could go for groceries. I couldn’t find Cricket’s keys, and she is a real deep sleeper and I didn’t want to wake her up, so I decided to walk. When the cold air hit me I almost changed my mind, but I the burning sting of cold gave me a masochistic pleasure that I sorely needed after the news from last night. It also numbed the endorphin hangover and stiff muscles. So I drudged on, although I did change my destination from the grocery store to the 711, which was closer. I lit a clove that I stole from the pack I found on the sink and I let the warm smoke tingle my lungs. I kept my head down and I stepped on every crack I saw. I never saw the car pull along side.
“I thought that was you.”
Brian.
And I feel like I’m a deer caught in headlights.
“I heard you were out, but I didn’t know if it was true,” he said.
Even though I felt off guard, that one didn’t get past me. “Out? You make it sound like I was in prison.”
“Well I imagine it wasn’t a vacation,” he said. I turned away from him, hoping he was just a memory or something, but it didn’t work. “Wait, stay and talk to me,” he called out.
I turned around. “I think I have better things to do than freeze here with a runny nose and talk to you.” I took a drag from the clove.
“Why all the hostility? Why do you have to act this way toward me?”
“Will you stop acting like we’re friends? We are not friends. Friends don’t do what you do. And they don’t send friends away from loved one’s funerals,” the anger was making me warm.
“First of all, it wasn’t his funeral, it was his wake.”
“First of all,” I mock, “that isn’t the point.”
“Secondly,” he continued as if I hadn’t said anything, “my parents did that, and you know what? They just didn’t want your little criminal friends there wrecking things.”
“Wrecking things? How were they going to wreck things? And who gave them the right to decide that?”
“Luke did,” Brian said flatly, and he paused to make sure it stung. “He didn’t have a will, and we’re his next of kin. If he didn’t want us to take care of the arrangements, he should have made a will. We wanted to do it right. My parents were PAYING for everything, so they had a right to invite who they wanted.”
“Invite? That wasn’t a wedding, it was a wake. Luke wouldn’t have wanted any of that. He wouldn’t have wanted the drama, and he wouldn’t have wanted your parents to spend all the money on his funeral-“
“Who are you to tell us what Luke would have wanted?” he interrupted.
“I was his girlfriend.”
“You weren’t his girlfriend. You were some girl he was fucking. And you were only fucking him because you’re obsessed with me and you need to keep in my life somehow.”
“I’m obsessed with you?” I yelled. “I think you’ve got it backwards.”
“Look how full of yourself you are. You have no idea how crazy you are, Ivy.”
“Don’t you go there…”
“Well your mother and I are very concerned. That’s why she had you committed.”
“My mother and you? My mother and YOU? Stay away from my mother, Brian.”
“Or what?” he asked. “Huh? What are you going to do? My lawyer is prepared to put a countersuit on you so I can get a restraining order for you. That is, unless you stop acting so crazy.”
“You know, as long as we have to stay apart, I don’t really care who has the restraining order on whom…” I didn’t know if that was true or not, but it sounded good.
“You can’t keep me away from your mom,” he smirks.
I was gaining momentum in the argument, so he had to go low. But I didn’t catch on to that right away. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“Stop playing these damn head games, Brian.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, am I confusing the psycho-girl? Are all my big words going to give her a nervous breakdown?”
“I think we’re done here. Goodbye.”
“Don’t you know?”
“Know what?” I should have been walking away.
“What you’re mother has been up to… she’s been a bad girl.”
“Oh, that? Sorry to burst your bubble, but that’s old news,” I said with an odd satisfaction
“Is it?”
“It is.”
“Well maybe it isn’t.”
“Goodbye, Brian.”
“Whatever, you crazy cunt,” he growled, and he got his car and drove away… but I didn’t see him leave, because my back was turned and I was gone. As he was driving past me, he shouted, “And tell those cunts that I want my shit back!”
Do you see what he does? Drama queens can make everything about them. That’s what they do. If you tell a drama queen that you have cancer, she’ll turn into her problem. She knows so many people who have suffered with cancer and why-oh-why is she a cancer magnet? If she’s a smart one, she wouldn’t say that to you, or even to your close friends, but to everyone she can she’ll turn your trauma into her source for attention. Some drama queens have penises.
Then once he’s the center, he tries to turn everything negative around and make it my fault.
And maybe there was a time when I hated myself enough to believe him… that I thought I was a bad person… and he was gracious to forgive me and love me anyway. I’m such a bad person and he is such a great person to care for me. But I can see his head games now and they will not get inside my head. They will not. They will not get inside my head. I will not think about him. I will not think about anything concerning him. I will not think. I will not do it. I will not play his games.
Over and over, I thought this until I reached the apartment.
We woke up at sunset, and the hunger that I had fallen asleep with had transferred to my stomach. So the first thing I did was throw on clothes so I could go for groceries. I couldn’t find Cricket’s keys, and she is a real deep sleeper and I didn’t want to wake her up, so I decided to walk. When the cold air hit me I almost changed my mind, but I the burning sting of cold gave me a masochistic pleasure that I sorely needed after the news from last night. It also numbed the endorphin hangover and stiff muscles. So I drudged on, although I did change my destination from the grocery store to the 711, which was closer. I lit a clove that I stole from the pack I found on the sink and I let the warm smoke tingle my lungs. I kept my head down and I stepped on every crack I saw. I never saw the car pull along side.
“I thought that was you.”
Brian.
And I feel like I’m a deer caught in headlights.
“I heard you were out, but I didn’t know if it was true,” he said.
Even though I felt off guard, that one didn’t get past me. “Out? You make it sound like I was in prison.”
“Well I imagine it wasn’t a vacation,” he said. I turned away from him, hoping he was just a memory or something, but it didn’t work. “Wait, stay and talk to me,” he called out.
I turned around. “I think I have better things to do than freeze here with a runny nose and talk to you.” I took a drag from the clove.
“Why all the hostility? Why do you have to act this way toward me?”
“Will you stop acting like we’re friends? We are not friends. Friends don’t do what you do. And they don’t send friends away from loved one’s funerals,” the anger was making me warm.
“First of all, it wasn’t his funeral, it was his wake.”
“First of all,” I mock, “that isn’t the point.”
“Secondly,” he continued as if I hadn’t said anything, “my parents did that, and you know what? They just didn’t want your little criminal friends there wrecking things.”
“Wrecking things? How were they going to wreck things? And who gave them the right to decide that?”
“Luke did,” Brian said flatly, and he paused to make sure it stung. “He didn’t have a will, and we’re his next of kin. If he didn’t want us to take care of the arrangements, he should have made a will. We wanted to do it right. My parents were PAYING for everything, so they had a right to invite who they wanted.”
“Invite? That wasn’t a wedding, it was a wake. Luke wouldn’t have wanted any of that. He wouldn’t have wanted the drama, and he wouldn’t have wanted your parents to spend all the money on his funeral-“
“Who are you to tell us what Luke would have wanted?” he interrupted.
“I was his girlfriend.”
“You weren’t his girlfriend. You were some girl he was fucking. And you were only fucking him because you’re obsessed with me and you need to keep in my life somehow.”
“I’m obsessed with you?” I yelled. “I think you’ve got it backwards.”
“Look how full of yourself you are. You have no idea how crazy you are, Ivy.”
“Don’t you go there…”
“Well your mother and I are very concerned. That’s why she had you committed.”
“My mother and you? My mother and YOU? Stay away from my mother, Brian.”
“Or what?” he asked. “Huh? What are you going to do? My lawyer is prepared to put a countersuit on you so I can get a restraining order for you. That is, unless you stop acting so crazy.”
“You know, as long as we have to stay apart, I don’t really care who has the restraining order on whom…” I didn’t know if that was true or not, but it sounded good.
“You can’t keep me away from your mom,” he smirks.
I was gaining momentum in the argument, so he had to go low. But I didn’t catch on to that right away. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“Stop playing these damn head games, Brian.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, am I confusing the psycho-girl? Are all my big words going to give her a nervous breakdown?”
“I think we’re done here. Goodbye.”
“Don’t you know?”
“Know what?” I should have been walking away.
“What you’re mother has been up to… she’s been a bad girl.”
“Oh, that? Sorry to burst your bubble, but that’s old news,” I said with an odd satisfaction
“Is it?”
“It is.”
“Well maybe it isn’t.”
“Goodbye, Brian.”
“Whatever, you crazy cunt,” he growled, and he got his car and drove away… but I didn’t see him leave, because my back was turned and I was gone. As he was driving past me, he shouted, “And tell those cunts that I want my shit back!”
Do you see what he does? Drama queens can make everything about them. That’s what they do. If you tell a drama queen that you have cancer, she’ll turn into her problem. She knows so many people who have suffered with cancer and why-oh-why is she a cancer magnet? If she’s a smart one, she wouldn’t say that to you, or even to your close friends, but to everyone she can she’ll turn your trauma into her source for attention. Some drama queens have penises.
Then once he’s the center, he tries to turn everything negative around and make it my fault.
And maybe there was a time when I hated myself enough to believe him… that I thought I was a bad person… and he was gracious to forgive me and love me anyway. I’m such a bad person and he is such a great person to care for me. But I can see his head games now and they will not get inside my head. They will not. They will not get inside my head. I will not think about him. I will not think about anything concerning him. I will not think. I will not do it. I will not play his games.
Over and over, I thought this until I reached the apartment.
