jamin_law (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} jamin_law) wrote in ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} alien_suicide,@ 2004-07-21 22:48:00 |
|
CHAPTER 23: THE RIDE HOME
Can you feel the walls closing in? Can you feel the pressure drop? Has your heart stopped? Do you know that luck has run out?
…
We were getting ready to go out. We tried to round up others for a New Year’s party but there was nothing but drama pouring from everyone’s pie holes. First, Mike was having a party, but then no one wanted any part of that, considering the tragedy that happened at the last party. Then, we were going to have a party, but that fell through because everyone was hot and cold about whether or not they were coming.
Are you coming? I don’t know. I think so. Maybe. I’m not sure what I’m doing. Well… come on, it takes a lot of work to throw a party… a lot of money too. We have to invite everyone. We have to buy food. We have to buy alcohol and mixers. We have to talk to the neighbors and ask them to talk to us if we get too loud instead of calling police. We have to clean the place- not just run a dust cloth over everything, I mean really clean it. But we had a bunch of people who were acting like they were only going to come IF they didn’t find something better to do. We didn’t know if one person was coming or fifty. Cricket absolutely refused to be treated like a safety chute. She really couldn’t deal with that. Either come or don’t- so no party… not with the attitude everyone was throwing around.
The next idea was to get some people together to go to Evolution, a New Years Eve party in Baltimore. That one seemed like a good idea until we started asking people, and then came these droning speeches about the end of raves and forty dollar admission prices and bad music and poor DJs… the general lament about the deterioration of raves over the past ten years. Or they got angry because we weren’t having a party. Some people just don’t know how to shut up and have fun.
Personally, being with Cricket, Crystal, and Eve was enough to satisfy me. It didn’t matter where we went. I could even put my Julie anxiety back in my Worry Box for the night. But the girls were hell bent on getting a large group of people together again. There was a time when the “old crew” would travel anywhere within a hundred miles just to have a good time… and we would do anything to make sure that all of us enjoyed the night, and there Cricket was listening to everyone complaining about us not having a party and giving their various excuses for not going with us to Baltimore.
So it was just us going to this party. Cricket, Crystal, Eve, Julie, and me…
The next thing I knew, it was night, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off the stars. I had to concentrate to keep my feet on the ground and not float away to kiss them. And I began drowning in my own thoughts.
…
The memories came back to me smeared and jumbled, and I had difficulty knowing what was real and what wasn’t. Even the definition of “real” was clouded. The ride to the party mixed with standing in line, and getting ready for the night mixed with running into people I knew. The worms were everywhere. I couldn’t put anything into order.
But right now… at least I think it’s right now… I’m in the car, riding home. I’m sitting in the back seat in between Julie and Crystal. Eve is leaning against the fogged passenger window, asleep, and Cricket is driving with an intense concentration that makes me afraid to even speak with her.
But there are some things that are stirring in mind that I have to ask about. I noticed that Julie was drifting toward sleep, so I gave her a little nudge. “So… I really have to ask this… how did you two end up mending ways?” I really had been nervous when we picked her up. Maybe I have every right to be agitated. But this was something that I needed cleared.
The nudge I had given her changed the direction of her drifting. “Mending ways?”
“How did you guys end up being friends? We were practically enemies and now we’re all hanging out.” She didn’t answer right away so I continued, “I just can’t imagine how you could get anywhere near Cricket without fighting, let alone make peace.” Cricket cocked her head when she heard her name.
She looked like she was choosing her words, and then Cricket spoke up. “When I saw her, when we made up, it wasn’t a time for fighting,” she said.
They were confusing me. “What is that supposed to mean? I don’t get it.”
And Eve, of all people, spoke up. “It was the wake, Ivy. It was Luke’s wake.” I guess she wasn’t sleeping after all.
There was a moment of silence. I swallowed, and felt little wriggles move up my legs. And then I broke the silence. “I guess that wouldn’t be a good time to fight.”
“No,” Julie agreed.
“I wish I could have been there.” I feel a pressure in chest.
“We weren’t there either, Ivy,” Cricket said into the rearview mirror. “We were all turned away at the wake.”
“What?”
“We weren’t allowed to go his wake or his funeral. We didn’t know we weren’t welcome until we were actually at the wake and got kicked out. Julie was outside when we were being escorted out.”
“She was crying, we were crying,” Crystal said. I thought she was sleeping.
“She said she was sorry. It was really all we needed at the time,” Cricket said.
“Was it Brian’s parents who kept you out?” I felt sick.
“Yeah,” Julie answered. “They threw me out too.”
“Why did they throw you out? Did you two have a falling out?”
“Uh… yeah I guess you never knew,” she said. She shifted uneasily. “He got me pregnant and wouldn’t own up to it.”
“Pregnant? You were pregnant?” I asked. And I had a sudden flash of a memory. A pinhole prick… flashes of lights… people dancing… a night of pain… you can be yourself as long as you’re like me… the condom…
Cricket’s eye appears in the rearview, and it feel like she’s trying to hold me together with the strain of her brow, but I can’t escape the thoughts weaving webs around me- we sabotaged Brian’s condom. We are responsible for this.
“Yeah, I was pregnant,” she answered, “and I had an abortion.”
Can you feel the walls closing in? Can you feel the pressure drop? Has your heart stopped? Do you know that luck has run out?
…
We were getting ready to go out. We tried to round up others for a New Year’s party but there was nothing but drama pouring from everyone’s pie holes. First, Mike was having a party, but then no one wanted any part of that, considering the tragedy that happened at the last party. Then, we were going to have a party, but that fell through because everyone was hot and cold about whether or not they were coming.
Are you coming? I don’t know. I think so. Maybe. I’m not sure what I’m doing. Well… come on, it takes a lot of work to throw a party… a lot of money too. We have to invite everyone. We have to buy food. We have to buy alcohol and mixers. We have to talk to the neighbors and ask them to talk to us if we get too loud instead of calling police. We have to clean the place- not just run a dust cloth over everything, I mean really clean it. But we had a bunch of people who were acting like they were only going to come IF they didn’t find something better to do. We didn’t know if one person was coming or fifty. Cricket absolutely refused to be treated like a safety chute. She really couldn’t deal with that. Either come or don’t- so no party… not with the attitude everyone was throwing around.
The next idea was to get some people together to go to Evolution, a New Years Eve party in Baltimore. That one seemed like a good idea until we started asking people, and then came these droning speeches about the end of raves and forty dollar admission prices and bad music and poor DJs… the general lament about the deterioration of raves over the past ten years. Or they got angry because we weren’t having a party. Some people just don’t know how to shut up and have fun.
Personally, being with Cricket, Crystal, and Eve was enough to satisfy me. It didn’t matter where we went. I could even put my Julie anxiety back in my Worry Box for the night. But the girls were hell bent on getting a large group of people together again. There was a time when the “old crew” would travel anywhere within a hundred miles just to have a good time… and we would do anything to make sure that all of us enjoyed the night, and there Cricket was listening to everyone complaining about us not having a party and giving their various excuses for not going with us to Baltimore.
So it was just us going to this party. Cricket, Crystal, Eve, Julie, and me…
The next thing I knew, it was night, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off the stars. I had to concentrate to keep my feet on the ground and not float away to kiss them. And I began drowning in my own thoughts.
…
The memories came back to me smeared and jumbled, and I had difficulty knowing what was real and what wasn’t. Even the definition of “real” was clouded. The ride to the party mixed with standing in line, and getting ready for the night mixed with running into people I knew. The worms were everywhere. I couldn’t put anything into order.
But right now… at least I think it’s right now… I’m in the car, riding home. I’m sitting in the back seat in between Julie and Crystal. Eve is leaning against the fogged passenger window, asleep, and Cricket is driving with an intense concentration that makes me afraid to even speak with her.
But there are some things that are stirring in mind that I have to ask about. I noticed that Julie was drifting toward sleep, so I gave her a little nudge. “So… I really have to ask this… how did you two end up mending ways?” I really had been nervous when we picked her up. Maybe I have every right to be agitated. But this was something that I needed cleared.
The nudge I had given her changed the direction of her drifting. “Mending ways?”
“How did you guys end up being friends? We were practically enemies and now we’re all hanging out.” She didn’t answer right away so I continued, “I just can’t imagine how you could get anywhere near Cricket without fighting, let alone make peace.” Cricket cocked her head when she heard her name.
She looked like she was choosing her words, and then Cricket spoke up. “When I saw her, when we made up, it wasn’t a time for fighting,” she said.
They were confusing me. “What is that supposed to mean? I don’t get it.”
And Eve, of all people, spoke up. “It was the wake, Ivy. It was Luke’s wake.” I guess she wasn’t sleeping after all.
There was a moment of silence. I swallowed, and felt little wriggles move up my legs. And then I broke the silence. “I guess that wouldn’t be a good time to fight.”
“No,” Julie agreed.
“I wish I could have been there.” I feel a pressure in chest.
“We weren’t there either, Ivy,” Cricket said into the rearview mirror. “We were all turned away at the wake.”
“What?”
“We weren’t allowed to go his wake or his funeral. We didn’t know we weren’t welcome until we were actually at the wake and got kicked out. Julie was outside when we were being escorted out.”
“She was crying, we were crying,” Crystal said. I thought she was sleeping.
“She said she was sorry. It was really all we needed at the time,” Cricket said.
“Was it Brian’s parents who kept you out?” I felt sick.
“Yeah,” Julie answered. “They threw me out too.”
“Why did they throw you out? Did you two have a falling out?”
“Uh… yeah I guess you never knew,” she said. She shifted uneasily. “He got me pregnant and wouldn’t own up to it.”
“Pregnant? You were pregnant?” I asked. And I had a sudden flash of a memory. A pinhole prick… flashes of lights… people dancing… a night of pain… you can be yourself as long as you’re like me… the condom…
Cricket’s eye appears in the rearview, and it feel like she’s trying to hold me together with the strain of her brow, but I can’t escape the thoughts weaving webs around me- we sabotaged Brian’s condom. We are responsible for this.
“Yeah, I was pregnant,” she answered, “and I had an abortion.”
