jamin_law (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} jamin_law) wrote in ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} alien_suicide,@ 2004-07-19 22:18:00 |
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CHAPTER 22: OUT COME THE WORMS
I have a whirling tornado raging around me. Bodies are flying like broken splinters. I feel sick. I feel good. I feel like jumping into the storm.
…
It came creeping into my mind and body like a disease. First my breathing grew heavy. Then I felt a little tingling in my chest. I started to sweat. The walls seemed to wiggle just a little. The air thickened in my lungs.
A wave of memories hits me and covers my body in emotional comfort. The music rises and I feel love covering me for the first time since my father last held me. The feeling peaks and I weep, not with pleasure or with ecstasy, but with a catharsis from a fear that I had been to afraid to confront. It is a warm chemical bath… the ocean of melancholy has evaporated and has left behind a crystalline truth and harmony covering its bed. The world is simple and beautiful.
Why can’t everything be as simple as this solitary moment? This moment of realization when the faces and motions and thoughts and vibrations of the world can be ingested in one singular form… and accepted… It’s not trumped by some ego that says that this moment is great or important or makes you special for having it. Everything simply is. And where I fall in the great game- my life, my death, and everything in between- is neither significant nor insignificant… it simply is.
My thoughts clear… and then they disappear… nothing but pure and positive emotions flow. Everything I am thinking now comes after the fact… it is an interpretation of the previous experience because of its absolute purity. It’s free of self-examination and therefore free of scrutiny- perfect. I am pure non-thought. I am pure neurotransmitter. I am an open conduit for everything else good and pure in the world and feel it all passing through me.
And then out came the worms- they began crawling up the walls. They started swimming through the air. Ultraviolet silk worms began spinning purple webs that held the foundation of reality and transformed time from before to now. And I can see the Now, like no one can. Everyone lives in the past- one sixteenth of a second behind reality. We are bound by the laws of physics, as electrical impulses need time to travel from our eyes, ears, and skin to the brain. But I am seeing without nerves and electrons. I am in the Now, and I can see the silk worms pulling reality through time…
I am a time traveler…
…
I had walked over to Eve and asked her a direct question, “What is it?”
She looked at me as if she were caught stealing from the cookie jar. “What is…” she started. She was going to ask, “What is what?” But she thought better of it. Instead she drew me in and answered me, “Mescaline.”
“Do you have another?”
She gave me a crazed look. I stared her down. And there we were, two girls… friends… roommates… who, when it comes right down to it, know nothing of one another… sharing a weakness without any fear.
I spoke to her with my eyes…I caught you. I know what you’re doing. I don’t care. May I join you?
She took my hand and held it affectionately. She slipped something into my palm. There was her answer.
…
Things peak, and just when I have everything put together, it all falls apart. The colors begin to run. The worms wiggle together and disappear into a light vibration, but I know they’re still there. Everything dulls. I am not in communion with anything. I am living in fear of my fellow generation. We are not evolving. We are not moving forward. And we are not united… unless you want to count watching American Idol and drinking Pepsi and wanting to fuck Britney Spears... well, then we are united. The vacuum of America is so powerful that you can actually hear our souls being sucked from our bodies the moment we hit puberty.
WOOSH.
Fantasy fuses with the world’s virtual reality. The way the world could be is hindered by the way the world is. But there is no sorrow in this realization, only acceptance.
In the comedown, virtual reality returns- I’m not supposed to love myself. I’m supposed to be unhappy. I’m supposed to be driven from unhappiness so I can be a good consumer and a devout worshipper. No wonder they’ve made this illegal. A person could gain so much power over their soul. They could break the shackles of fear and self hatred that is permeated from the cable channels and evening news. This is dangerous. A generation of fearless kids full of love and empathy could destroy everything that capitalism stands for. The true danger of drugs is that they can make you aware of your slavery.
And the WHITE WHITE WHITE comes screaming back…
…
It was over as quickly as it had begun. The false reality had permeated my mind until it had my complete acceptance. It had spread like poisoned watercolors.
I am numb and white and a virtual zombie being led from the party to the car by my faceless friends.
Night had broken without a star, and the morning has broken without her shine. Nothing but an abyss of gray hovers over my head- thirsty clouds that seem to be quivering in anticipation. I try to feel the night, the dance, and the thoughts. But I am nothing if not empty inside. It is gone. I’ve lost it.
It is gone.
I have a whirling tornado raging around me. Bodies are flying like broken splinters. I feel sick. I feel good. I feel like jumping into the storm.
…
It came creeping into my mind and body like a disease. First my breathing grew heavy. Then I felt a little tingling in my chest. I started to sweat. The walls seemed to wiggle just a little. The air thickened in my lungs.
A wave of memories hits me and covers my body in emotional comfort. The music rises and I feel love covering me for the first time since my father last held me. The feeling peaks and I weep, not with pleasure or with ecstasy, but with a catharsis from a fear that I had been to afraid to confront. It is a warm chemical bath… the ocean of melancholy has evaporated and has left behind a crystalline truth and harmony covering its bed. The world is simple and beautiful.
Why can’t everything be as simple as this solitary moment? This moment of realization when the faces and motions and thoughts and vibrations of the world can be ingested in one singular form… and accepted… It’s not trumped by some ego that says that this moment is great or important or makes you special for having it. Everything simply is. And where I fall in the great game- my life, my death, and everything in between- is neither significant nor insignificant… it simply is.
My thoughts clear… and then they disappear… nothing but pure and positive emotions flow. Everything I am thinking now comes after the fact… it is an interpretation of the previous experience because of its absolute purity. It’s free of self-examination and therefore free of scrutiny- perfect. I am pure non-thought. I am pure neurotransmitter. I am an open conduit for everything else good and pure in the world and feel it all passing through me.
And then out came the worms- they began crawling up the walls. They started swimming through the air. Ultraviolet silk worms began spinning purple webs that held the foundation of reality and transformed time from before to now. And I can see the Now, like no one can. Everyone lives in the past- one sixteenth of a second behind reality. We are bound by the laws of physics, as electrical impulses need time to travel from our eyes, ears, and skin to the brain. But I am seeing without nerves and electrons. I am in the Now, and I can see the silk worms pulling reality through time…
I am a time traveler…
…
I had walked over to Eve and asked her a direct question, “What is it?”
She looked at me as if she were caught stealing from the cookie jar. “What is…” she started. She was going to ask, “What is what?” But she thought better of it. Instead she drew me in and answered me, “Mescaline.”
“Do you have another?”
She gave me a crazed look. I stared her down. And there we were, two girls… friends… roommates… who, when it comes right down to it, know nothing of one another… sharing a weakness without any fear.
I spoke to her with my eyes…I caught you. I know what you’re doing. I don’t care. May I join you?
She took my hand and held it affectionately. She slipped something into my palm. There was her answer.
…
Things peak, and just when I have everything put together, it all falls apart. The colors begin to run. The worms wiggle together and disappear into a light vibration, but I know they’re still there. Everything dulls. I am not in communion with anything. I am living in fear of my fellow generation. We are not evolving. We are not moving forward. And we are not united… unless you want to count watching American Idol and drinking Pepsi and wanting to fuck Britney Spears... well, then we are united. The vacuum of America is so powerful that you can actually hear our souls being sucked from our bodies the moment we hit puberty.
WOOSH.
Fantasy fuses with the world’s virtual reality. The way the world could be is hindered by the way the world is. But there is no sorrow in this realization, only acceptance.
In the comedown, virtual reality returns- I’m not supposed to love myself. I’m supposed to be unhappy. I’m supposed to be driven from unhappiness so I can be a good consumer and a devout worshipper. No wonder they’ve made this illegal. A person could gain so much power over their soul. They could break the shackles of fear and self hatred that is permeated from the cable channels and evening news. This is dangerous. A generation of fearless kids full of love and empathy could destroy everything that capitalism stands for. The true danger of drugs is that they can make you aware of your slavery.
And the WHITE WHITE WHITE comes screaming back…
…
It was over as quickly as it had begun. The false reality had permeated my mind until it had my complete acceptance. It had spread like poisoned watercolors.
I am numb and white and a virtual zombie being led from the party to the car by my faceless friends.
Night had broken without a star, and the morning has broken without her shine. Nothing but an abyss of gray hovers over my head- thirsty clouds that seem to be quivering in anticipation. I try to feel the night, the dance, and the thoughts. But I am nothing if not empty inside. It is gone. I’ve lost it.
It is gone.
