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this isn't SI related, but it's therapy related, i hope this is okay. [16 May 2008|12:06am] helpx_ambulance [ mood | confused/upset ] my best friend, the one that's in the mental facility... well he talked to his therapist today about me and said the following: "she means the world to me, she's my best friend and i love her to death. she's the only person aside from my parents that cares about me and tries to help me, and i don't know what i would do without her" and then he proceeded to say the following about his boyfriend when asked: "he's the one who told me how to cut the way i did it, he told me the ways to do it without people noticing and without it being too deep to die." and his therapist proceeded to say the following: "okay well you can't talk to that jess girl EVER AGAIN, she's the cause of all your problems and you shouldn't have to deal with that. you can't be her friend anymore. if she writes to you while you're in here, it will be ripped up before you can read it. if she tries to contact you, don't talk to her. but your boyfriend is okay to talk to." that's just the short version. now, here's my questions. how many of you think that this is a normal approach to fix things? is a therapist even legally (or ethnically) allowed to say something like that? if you were a therapist would you tell your client to stop talking to & being friends with the one that HELPS you, but you can talk to the one who told you how to do it? and wouldn't you hearing something like this, if you were in this situation, make everything worse rather than better? i know he won't follow through with it. i know he'll talk to me. nothing can separate us, he told me this before. not even death when we're old and gray. i need your input guys, because i'm just confused over this. and hurt. i hate his therapist and i hate his boyfriend even more. [12] We'll Always Be Alive

I wanna lose control, I'm not afraid to lose it all. [15 May 2008|12:05am] kodou_ [ mood | scared ] It's been almost two years since I have cut. And until yesterday, it had been three years since I updated this "secret" LJ, apart from the one all my friends see. No one knows about this one, no one in my life at least. But being back here, in this account, it's nostalgic. It takes me back, and makes me remember. The fact that I signed into this account in the first place, I knew it was because I was slipping again. Signing into this account is proof that I am losing control. I've been snapping a rubber band on my wrist all day, trying SO HARD to not cut. WHY DO I HAVE THESE FEELINGS AGAIN?! After all this time, damnit, after all this time, why is this coming back to haunt me? The only person holding me back from the edge is my boyfriend. He one time made a comment, touching my arm and going "What's this?" at my faded scars, a distant pain engrained forever. But I pulled away and told him it was nothing. Maybe he suspects, but I never told him outright that I had self injured in the past. He met me after my deep depression, at a time in my life when I was pulling out of it, and I thought for good. I had enough of the years of darkness, and I thought I had finally pulled away. I was wrong, because it's coming back. I feel it creeping up slowly on me. I had forgotten how suffocating it is. I had forgotten what it was like to walk around with that cloud following you. It's all you can think about, it's all you feel. No matter how hard you try to shake it off, it never goes away. These thoughts are constantly spinning in my head, thoughts I had thought I dispelled for good. What the hell is going on? I can't do this again. I don't know how much longer I can hold off. The urge is too strong, it's all I think about. It's only a matter of time. [3] We'll Always Be Alive

[14 May 2008|08:59pm] helpx_ambulance oh, hey wanna know what's great? my best friend, the one i was talking about in a previous entry, yeah he got admitted to a psychiactric hospital today for cutting. what i need to know is... are any of you under 18 and on or ever been on paxil? and if you are/were, do/did you have suicidal thoughts or tendancies? did you talk to your doctor about it? and if so, did he tell you "just wait it out"? him being gone for the next 2 weeks+, makes me very...very... suicidal. to say the least. i need someone to talk to. aim: cuuntxxbby. [10] We'll Always Be Alive

well... [14 May 2008|05:25pm] blackcatzer0 [ mood | crappy ] I decide to call him last night...figuring that was a good idea. WELL it REALLY fucking wasnt. It hurt to even hear his voice...it hurt even more hearing he was better off with out me. I mean im happy for him, but , it always hurts to know some one's better off without you... [2] We'll Always Be Alive

Gah. [13 May 2008|08:28pm] sissani I had a horrible day.  Argued with my boyfriend and my mom about my eating disorder, binged and purged several times and had a horrible urge to cut after crying my eyes out. I accidently cut my pinky finger with one of my old razors (I was digging in my purse and came across the razor amungst some change) the other day and ever since I've been thinking about that razor. And I want to use it.  All over my arms, all over my legs...  But I didnt.  I'm not proud for "staying strong" or whatever.  Its only a matter of time before that blade gets used. [3] We'll Always Be Alive

been away for so long [13 May 2008|05:34pm] helpx_ambulance [ mood | listless ] so i've been off of here for a really long time. i was fine, i was really fine. i swear. but back in february i started to cut again. at first it was just a simple thing between my friend and i, we carved each others initials just to symbolize our friendship. idk it meant a lot to us at that point. but cue march, i was back to cutting for no apparent reason every now and again. but since saturday i'm cutting myself once or more a day. and i can't deal with it, and talking to my best friend doesn't help anymore and i don't know what to do. he cuts too, and he shows me and it just triggers me. i get that feeling like "i need to do it. i need to. right now." and make lame excuses about having to go to the bathroom and i use whatever i can find, a razor, safety pin, even my work nametag that i carry around with me. help... i'm getting back into full depression again and i don't know how to help myself. [1] We'll Always Be Alive

[13 May 2008|09:53am] xxhintoftearsxx Do you ever get cravings to cut one and ONLY one part of your body? I have an agitation, an itch almost, to cut my arms, which I've never done before. Not my wrists... just above them. And like... I can't do it... My work uniform is a T-Shirt, and I live in an area of the world where summers easily get to 30C (about 86F)... And I don't think I could wear long sleeves through that. But yeah. I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced something like this. [10] We'll Always Be Alive

Hi! [11 May 2008|12:41am] blackcatzer0 [ mood | blank ] Came across this community and figured I'd join. I haven't cut in 1.5 months and thats the longest I've gone since I was 10. I am almost 23 now...My arms/legs are filled with scars and one on my left under forearm where I died in the ambulance. Lost alot of blood. Over my Ex who treated me like SHIT. Anyway...After that I continued on cutting until a few weeks before i left FL...In a sick way the scars are interesting to me, and I love the adreneline rush...but you never know how it effects the people you love and that love you. So I am doing my best here (in my new, fresh start in brooklyn ny, since my ex decided he just didnt love me anymore)which is not hard, considering I am on good meds and a fresh start away from my past which induced the cutting. anyway...thanks for taking the time to read =] --cait [12] We'll Always Be Alive

Started again after six months [10 May 2008|11:44pm] past_haunts I am an old member of this community, i stopped coming on when i got clean and now that i am started up again i joined with a different screen name. I was clean for six months and then the person i quite for who was at the time my boyfriend and who is no my ex fell in love with someone else and even though i'm in a relationship it still hurts. I just feel like i'm losing him. So i started again and tonight i had to watch them be all over each other. This is the worst i've felt in two years and i'm having a really hard time dealing with it. Advice would be greatly appreciated.  -Thanks [4] We'll Always Be Alive

[10 May 2008|08:50am] truemaddeep411 (this is in no way related to anyone in this group, I've had this thought for a while and just felt like sharing) Also, has spoliers about a book! ( SI and Recovery ) We'll Always Be Alive

Wow [09 May 2008|09:01pm] eponine254 [ mood | broken ] This video was posted here just a few months ago, but I found it while reading through old entries and it just hit me. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING TO MYSELF? I could have so much more! I've know so much more than this! Why do I shut out God and let myself get to a state of self-destruction? I watched the video and just burst into tears. It starts off a little lame and cheesy, but it turns out to be really powerful. ( Video and thoughts. ) I'm going to try and stop. It's a terrifying decision. I can't do it alone! Please pray for me. I've found this community to be filled with so much love and compassion, and I feel weirdly at home here. I know you guys will be there for me when I need it. I hope you know how awesome that is. Love to all <3 </longemotionalpost> [15] We'll Always Be Alive

I need help on a problem. [07 May 2008|08:21pm] danidanidani112 I have my birthday party coming up and we are going swimming. One problem there...scars. There aren't any open cuts or raw cuts because I've tried to think of places to cut other than there before the party/ sort of trying to quit. So I have scars on my thigh and I don't know how to hide them in a bathing suit. Please help! [6] We'll Always Be Alive

Blarg [07 May 2008|12:43pm] artzgirl1987 [ mood | annoyed ] Don't you hate those pre-depression symptoms? You're tired, you can't get excited about anything, your limbs feel heavy, your body hurts.... It's like part of you just has a "I don't wanna!" attitude about everything and anything. Then the other part of you says "you have to anyway." I usually have to just push my way through and not allow myself to give into the "I don't wanna". When I do, that's when the depression starts getting worse. It's tiring to do that though. How do some of you guys cope with this? [8] We'll Always Be Alive

wow ... i can't believe i am back [07 May 2008|08:41am] 4getingxpain [ mood | confused ] [ music | Grey - Ani DiFranco ] Hey Hi i haven't been here in a very long time It's like meeting your birth mother for the first time since birth And standing before her in a puddle of question and apprehensions. I love you guys i shouldn't have stayed away so long So much to tell you But i guess I'll start with what is really on my mind I am sitting in a chair that is not mine, in an apartment that i don't own Courting a mistress that will most likely never be mine I have tried to accept this fact I have told myself it is already done But it is not Which is why it is eating me up inside I have two conflicting opinions , ideals, fantasies , dilemmas... in my head and they are reducing me as a person I have been reduced over 2 years and 6 months and some amount of days since the last time I inflicted pain upon myself And here I am standing before you help me like you once did Save me from myself -aUstIN [3] We'll Always Be Alive

Butterfly method [06 May 2008|07:27pm] xeliara I was just wondering if anyone has ever tried this method to distract from self-harm? Apparently you draw a butterfly on the place you self-harm, give it a name (preferably after someone you love and who cares about you) and if you don't si and the butterfly fades naturally, then it lives. But if you do then it is hurt. I thought that this sounded like a nice distraction method. Anyone ever tried this one? I hope everyone is doing okay. xxx [3] We'll Always Be Alive

Thinking... [03 May 2008|08:53pm] artzgirl1987 [ mood | drained ] There have been a lot of depressed and/ or suicidal people lately and I've been trying to the of a way to help. When you get depressed, you lose sight of all of your goals, values, and purpose in life. Life is meaningless and you don't see the point in trying because there is nowhere to go. So... I was thinking. When you are in a somewhat stable state (not really depressed) you could make this chart. Bare with me... On the chart you have short term, long term, and life time goals. You write your goals, then next to it you right why you want to accomplish it. What accomplishing it would mean to you. Then, why you know you can accomplish... what about you makes you about to accomplish that goal. That way, when you are depressed you can look at that chart. The short term goals give you a reason to try now, the long term give you something to look forward too, and the lifetime goals give you a reason to live and push yourself through the depression. Writing down how will accomplish it will help you feel less overwelmed, and writing down why you want to accomplish it will give you sense of purpose. Writing down why you know you can accomplish it will help you remember that you do have good qualities and you are capable of accomplishing something positive. Next on the chart you right down what keeps you going... kids, pets, art, significant other. Best reason would be "YOU". Even if it's silly... like... watching a certain show on a certain day. =) Next to those write down why they mean so much to you, and what negative impact it would have if you were to make a bad desicion. Lastly, write down your coping methods. Hotline numbers, friends numbers, hospial's numbers, poison control, 911. Personal coping meathods too. Such as music, writing, drawing, walking, exercising... whatever it is! Sometimes when we are drifting away we may have a hard time even remember to dial 911.  If you have this chart ready for you when you need it, it just may help you cope better, make better decisions, and get through it easier. I hope someone finds this helpfull. I do these sort of methods on my own. Sorry if it sounds all therapisty. I got it from my own head... it works for me and I hope it works for someone else too. =) ::hugs:: [4] We'll Always Be Alive

[03 May 2008|08:15pm] emptysilentlife  This has gotten ridiculous. Its gone from once or twice a week to multiple times a day. I know I should probably lay off a little, but at this point I don't really want to. I can't. I think I need help because keeping this all bottled up isn't really working for me anymore, but I know that I won't ever get the help I need. I can overcome this with my own strength, and I suppose the strength of God, who I am beginning to lose faith in. I am so messed up right now. Where do I even begin to fix things? [3] We'll Always Be Alive

annoying observation.... [30 Apr 2008|12:21am] deardearfriend [ mood | annoyed ] I know this has been brought up like a ZILLION times before...but I'm annoyed right now. Cutting is a coping mechanism. It is the same as people: drinking when they're stressed / upset / overwhelmed / whatever smoking when they're stressed / upset / overwhelmed / whatever doing drugs when they're stressed / upset / overwhelmed / whatever doing (insert unhealthy / escapist behavior here) when they're stressed / upset / overwhelmed / whatever....! So why why why does everybody else get to enjoy their self destructive habits without people being so judgmental and harsh!?!!!! I know the answer for this. I've heard it a million times from various people in my life...but it STILL bothers me. This whole thought was brought on tonight because a friend of mine found out his ex had been cheating on him while they were still dating...and I know that this particular friend, because he is upset about this...will want to smoke weed. My boyfriend lives with this friend - more of his friend, really...but we're all in classes together....so whatever. And I know that they'll all end up smoking together...and then boyfriend will be all, "Sorry I didn't spend time with you tonight. My friend was upset, and I had to be there for him...." This all happens just days after he was admittedly very disappointed in me for slipping up after almost three months of not cutting. And I'm just finding it all extremely hypocritical. I also feel like I'm lying to myself....to other people by telling them that I want to stop self injuring. If I'm having these types of jealous thoughts, I clearly don't. I'm not afraid of admitting it here. I feel like I'm strong enough to NOT do it, even when I want to - but even when it's me who is making that decision, I still feel like someone is taking it away from me...and it feels unfair. Ugh ugh ugh. SO FRUSTRATED I doubt I'll say anything about it to him, or anyone else....I just wanted to rant, so thanks for listening. Advice / comments are appreciated. [6] We'll Always Be Alive

2 yrs, 30 days..gone [18 Apr 2008|08:05pm] thisismycorner maybe triggering? not sure.. I threw 2 years 30 days down the drain today. I couldn't not do it for everyone else anymore I was going crazy It was mine. I let it go. I wanted it back, so I took it. I feel a little less skattered now.. Like a sigh of relief that came from deep, deep down. [6] We'll Always Be Alive

[18 Apr 2008|07:37pm] yoursforever_me There's this christian cartoon blog site i read and not only is it awesome so i want to share it with you, but there's a certain post i would like you to see becasue it's about self-harm. SI and Religeon TRIGGERS! here's the link: http://asbojesus.wordpress.com/2008/04/17/443-444/#comments We'll Always Be Alive

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