[ise nanao and kurosaki ichigo] [angels_requiem]
Title: 20 Ways to Fuck the System, or, 20 Things About bleach_inc's Nanao and Ichigo.
Author: angels_requiem
Character/Pairing/Group: Kurosaki Ichigo (system__failure) and Ise Nanao (miss_nanao)
Rating: NC-17 for language and sex, but it isn't really smut.
Disclaimer/Notes/Whatever: bleach_inc is an AU Bleach role-playing game that takes place in corporate setting. (For more information, I totally recommend you check it out. It's hilarious.) Nanao is mine, but I totally ganked Ichigo from his player (with permission) to molest him as follows:





1. When Nanao was younger, she dreamed of becoming a famous district attorney, prosecuting evil and turning the scales of justice toward good. She never imagined that she would end up an assistant to the chairman of a large corporation, attached at the hip to her Palm Pilot or fucking the cute IT intern during the company Christmas party.

It was just amazing how things worked out sometimes.

2. Ichigo earned $5.67 per hour after taxes, which sucked so completely that he complained about it to whoever would listen, "The fucking system, man." He vowed to fuck the system right back, but he never knew the system would end up being the uptight assistant from legal.

He always knew he would enjoy it, though.

3. Ise Nanao was known for her wicked tongue in the courtroom, but, as Ichigo would find out, she was also known for her wicked tongue out of the courtroom. She also had a wicked mouth and teeth, goddammit, and Tatsuki didn't buy for one second that the hickies all over his body were caused by a Palm Pilot, though that was technically the truth.

Technically.

4. Uncomplicated sex seriously baffled the shit out of Ichigo. Who knew such a thing existed? There was still so much of the world he had yet to understand, so much beyond the reach of his comprehension.

5. Nanao told him to stop being such a lit major and start getting naked. He would have gotten on his knees and thanked God for this uncomplicated sex thing -- if he wasn't on his knees already.

6. The person most amused by their torrid love affair was Chairman Kyouraku Shunsui. Of course, he really wished that Nanao was banging him on top of his desk, but at least she was banging someone.

Of course, it helped that they made such a mess of his paperwork that he got the afternoon off. Bonus!

7. "She's fucking crazy," Ichigo tried to tell Ishida, but his moaning fell upon deaf ears. Ichigo learned a valuable lesson that day: never complain about sex when you're having it and the other person is hard for a girl who thinks he's a cyborg.

This was a very important lesson.

8. They had absolutely awful cybersex at the office that evolved into a contest to see who could use the best euphemisms. Ichigo slid his pulsating sword into her dripping honey cave while her slick, maidentunnel quivered around his engorged manrod.

Nanao won that round, which meant that she got to be on top later.

9. "So I really don't have to call you?" he asked as she worked his zipper with her teeth. "I don't have to send you flowers or anything?"

"Kurosaki," she said, her voice infinitely calm. "I am about to give you a blow job. I suggest you stop talking about flowers right this second."

This uncomplicated sex thing ruled.

10. They had sex in the third stall of the men's bathroom on the fourth floor, but she never gave him hickies where anyone could see them.

That would just be unprofessional.

11. What Hitsugaya and Hinamori lacked, Nanao thought, was finesse. She would never have been caught on her knees like Hinamori was, because 1. The floors were dirty and 2. Everyone knows it's more stimulating when standing.

Well, Ichigo may not have known it.

But he does now.

12. Ichigo tried again: "That chick really is fucking crazy, man."

But Ishida didn't even notice that Ichigo was in the room because Orihime bought him I, Robot for Christmas.

"Fucking I, Robot!"

Ichigo gave up on Ishida.

13. So they were in for the sex. Neither could have been blamed, really -- the sex was pretty damn good.

Not gonna lie.

14. Nanao walked into her office one morning to find a brand new Macintosh computer on her desk. There was a note attached:

"Trust me. It's safer this way."

Kurosaki was cute, but weird. Very weird.

15. He didn't tell her two things: 1. Macintosh computers are harder to hack into and 2. He'd been hacking into the system since his first day on the job.

He fucked the system from every angle.

16. She broke a fax machine, a laptop, a cell phone, a printer, a calculator and her Palm Pilot -- twice. Ichigo didn't even know how to fix half of things, but he sure as damn well tried.

17. After he received his next paycheck, he realized that he had been bumped up from $5.67 to $5.89 per hour. He never asked Nanao if she had anything to do with it, because if he found out he was only worth twenty-two cents per hour, he might have cried.

18. Nanao had to know. "Why does Inoue think Ishida is a cyborg?"

"I made it up to get him laid," came the reply from beneath her.

"I suppose there is something inherently sexy about engineered man," she mused. "Designed to cater to every need..."

"I have a metal plate in my head from a skating accident."

It was rare that the weird outweighed the cute, but this was definitely one of those times.

19. "Do you really have a metal plate in your head?" she asked later.

"Yeah," he replied, straightening his tie. "Airports are a real bitch."

20. miss_nanao: Kurosaki, feel like fucking the system this afternoon at around 3?
system__failure: Ise, I always feel like fucking the system.
miss_nanao: As it happens, so do I. It's just amazing how things work out sometimes.

Isn't it?