Current mood:	calm
Current music:	Don Omar // El Reggaeton Latino
Entry tags:	sohma akito, sohma rin

Akito and Rin, "Dolls"
Title: Dolls
Author: Flamika
Characters: Akito and Rin
Rating: PG-13
Notes: Spoilers up to Chapter 106 of the manga.


1. Akito thinks her Horse is pretty. Isuzu has long, shiny dark hair like Mother and wears dresses with ribbons and lace. Akito always sees her playing with dolls and skipping rope outside. One time Akito even catches her wandering around outside the Main House, peering curiously into the garden as if looking for someone. Akito wants to play with her, but when she asks, Mother throws a fit and makes Akito stay inside for the rest of the day. Apparently, Akito is not allowed to play with girls.

2. Isuzu is sneaky. One day Akito finds her standing outside the library window, a pair of dolls in her hands. They blink at each other, though neither is particularly surprised to see the other. Isuzu smiles and asks Akito if she wants to play. Akito wants to, but as she watches the sunlight dance on the strands of Isuzu's jet-black hair, she thinks of Mother.

She tells Isuzu to stay away from her.

3. Eventually, Akito realizes that Mother – Ren – hates her, and for some reason, Isuzu becomes annoying. Akito begins having bad thoughts about the girl. When Isuzu laughs happily, Akito wants to hit her. When Isuzu sits next to Shigure at New Year's, Akito wants to drag her away by the hair. When Hatsuharu and Isuzu talk to each other, Akito wants to shove them both to the ground. The thoughts quickly turn from bad to terrible, and a deep hate begins to grow in Akito's chest.

4. One day, Akito hears Hatsuharu refer to Isuzu as "Rin," and the name pierces Akito's heart like a red-hot poker. She hates that name. And she hates...Isuzu.

5. Isuzu's parents reject her, and Akito feels the bond between God and Horse start to bleed, reminding of Akito of another girl, and another mother who does not care for her daughter. Akito curls around the ache and curses Isuzu to hell for making her remember things she'd rather forget.

6. When Isuzu is sixteen, Akito sees her walking to school, uniform hugging gently curving hips and full breasts. Her long black hair, unchanged since her youth, flows down her back like a dark river. She holds her head up as if she's proud, though Akito knows for a fact that Isuzu has no pride in herself. And why would she, when she looks just like a whore? Akito knows Isuzu has grown into a beautiful woman, but then again, what's the difference between a woman and a whore, pretty or not?

Akito doesn't think it's possible for her to hate Isuzu more.

7. Akito has feelings for Isuzu that she doesn't like to think about, but sometimes things creep into her mind while she sleeps. Akito often dreams of laying down with Isuzu, not talking, not thinking, just resting with her head on a soft chest and long tendrils of dark hair wrapped around her like a warm blanket to keep the loneliness at bay. Sometimes Akito's dream-self is small enough to sit in Isuzu's lap, letting the young woman rock her gently and sing her lullabies. Akito hates those dreams, and eventually she starts to think of them as nightmares.

8. As it turns out, Isuzu is still sneaky. When Shigure implies that Isuzu and Hatsuharu are perhaps sleeping together, Akito realizes that she has allowed this girl to roam unchecked for far too long. She can see straight into Isuzu's heart, weakness and insecurity unfurling before her like a shredded tapestry, like a mirror in which Akito sees herself. Herself in a body that resembles the one Ren seduced Shigure with.

Akito hadn't planned on pushing Isuzu out of the window, but it happens anyway. Pity.

9. Akito often locks up things she doesn't want to look at, things that remind her of bad memories, things that reflect the ugliness that lurks inside herself. She's locked away the box with her father's soul. She's locked away Ren as best she can. It only makes sense to lock Isuzu away when she finds her whore's hands defiling one of the last things Akito holds sacred. She cuts Isuzu's hair, but that doesn't make her any less weak, or ugly. For a heartless moment, Akito contemplates raking the scissors across that pale throat, but she knows killing Isuzu won't take away the burning in her soul.

10. Isuzu is a quiet girl, but somehow she still manages to torment Akito even when she's out of sight, out of mind. Akito doesn't understand why Kureno saves her and Hatsuharu loves her. Isuzu is frail and worthless, and though Akito hates her, a pit of despair opens beneath her when she feels the bleeding line that connects their hearts begin to heal on one side.

11. Rin cries the day she meets Akito. The tears come without her knowing, spilling down her cheeks as she clings to her mother's hand, her breath sucked away by the visage of foul beauty before her.

She thinks Akito is a nice-looking boy.

12. Rin isn't encouraged to play with Akito, and she doesn't understand why. He's only two years older than she is, and every time she passes by the Main House, she looks around, hoping to see him even though he scares her a little. Mama says Gure-nii is "dirty in the head" and that Rin can't play dolls with him anymore. Rin hopes Akito will be the "dad" when they play "house."

13. When she sees Akito at last, he tells her to stay away from him. Rin manages to bite back her tears until she gets home, but as she cries in her mother's lap, she realizes that there is a vast difference between her and "God." Rin does what God says and stays away. She's a good girl.

14. To the Horse, God is "home." Rin never tells anyone this, but one day, after her parents' love turns into hatred and her father busts her lip with his fist, she runs to the Main House, foolishly and insanely thinking that if she tells Akito what's happening to her, he will set things right. Fortunately, her rational mind returns in time to remind her that Akito hates her.

15. Rin avoids Akito as much as possible, hiding in the shadows at New Year's, pretending to ignore everyone, including Haru. Somehow, her gaze always comes to rest on Akito for a few brief moments. He looks thin, pale, a bit sickly. Hatori says Akito's health is never very good. Rin knows how that feels.

16. When Haru asks if he can kiss her, Rin almost doesn't let him because she's afraid of what Akito will do if he finds out. But in the end, love and desire overwhelm her fear of God, and with a rush of abandon, she surrenders herself to the only one who truly loves her.

17. Akito smells surprisingly delicate, like a crushed flower, but the strength of his hands is terrifying. He teaches her how worthless she is, a lesson she learned as a child and was wrong to think she could forget. The hatred in his eyes reminds her so much of her mother, and beneath the fear and anguish churning inside her, she feels a residual spark of love flare, alluring and deadly as a Siren's song.

Rin has sharp words for everyone, but for God, she has only silence. When he pushes her out of the window, she doesn't scream or cry out. The only sound is her body striking the hard earth, two stories below.

18. Rin never lies to protect herself, but she'll always protect God. To anyone foolish enough to brave her anger and ask persistent questions about the scar on her back, she just tells them that she tripped and fell out of a window.

19. God is scary to all the Juunishi, but Rin has a special fear in her heart just for him, a deep terror that echoes the hatred he feels for her. When he stands above her in the Cat's Room and cuts off her hair, she has no will to resist him. If he puts the scissors to her throat and spills her life-blood all over the floor, she will accept the treatment with utter silence. Because Rin is a good girl, and if this is what it takes to keep Haru safe, she'll gladly do it.

20. Far away from the Main House, Rin sometimes lets herself think about Akito. Often, she just reminds herself that she can't go back to where he is. There is no "home" for her in God's heart, and the thought makes her ache with pain. In her dreams, she sometimes sees a pair of dolls suspended in the darkness, ripped and battered, the stuffing spilling out of their fragile bodies. Slowly, Rin's dream-self stitches up the torn seams of the first one, but the dream always ends before she can mend the second one.

~fin
3 January 2006