This is my little book. A book of my shadows, of my shine. I choose to write whatever declares its self to me. Although this is not every breath I take, it is my vent for love, hate, sadness, loneliness, anxiety, and anything else I choose to feel in the span of my life. But realize, this is no where near complete... And to get the full picture, you'll just have to be there when I paint it. Enjoy...
-Myke.
Saturday, May 7th, 2005
4:14 pm - Closing.
I didn't end this journey all too well. My last few posts had been angsty, violent, and or desperate. Which in all ways really aren't how my heart had been feeling, nor how i had been living-- Thankfully.
So, what's left to say? Goodbyes would be all to pressing. We all know i'm one to just... walk away; run away if you're reading this against me. And it's true. Weak hearted, fragile emotions, and calloused sense of self-respect have done me in, and broke me down.
To everyone out there who still read this... Sorry for not saying goodbyes... But i've died. That all important line was drawn, between this person, and well... this person.
Let's all do me a favour, and let's not remembermyke. But instead, let's just forget about him.
And to follow suit, still in live with dredg... As Catch Without Arms leaks its way through the internet, we'll whisper this for you, instead of saying anything at all. "Please accept... Please accept this offer. This is all for you: Transcend."
I found a room in the White buidling that seems to be empty during the mid day on tues/thurs.
I was thinking about starting kung fu session on Tuesday and Thursdays in that room. It will be free. But I'd like to have equipment drives once in a while to earn the group some training bags and such. But free to attend.
I would like to use the 10 basic stance of my teacher's training, and many of the basic techniques and kicking drills. But we will not use their forms. For this is not their school directly. Forms will be developed by the students and myself as a group. Each person working to develop forms for their own body styles, and then learning the ones of their fellow students that appeal to them.
the only form being retained will be from Shi Yangming, of the USA Shaolin Temple: Si Qi Gung Qiao.
Instead of teaching forms, we will work short 5-15 technique drills that work as miniature forms, developing single and multiple concepts.
We will work on developing creativity, mind strength, growth of Qi, physical strength, reaction timing and sensitivity, ground work, self-defense, breathing, philosophy, and body mechanics.
If you are interested, please post your tues/thurs availability on the comments to this page, or e.mail me kayasuma@adelphia.net
I can honestly say i miss teaching. and i miss learning through teaching. and when i'm helping others, it makes me work harder to help myself. I so need this. that's the payment i get out of it. i just ask you come with a humble mind, open heart, and do not come in looking for anything other than SELF-DEVELOPMENT. that is my goal.
Let me know asap.
current mood: moving on now. current music: "Ghost Trains" by Erlend Øye
After having an LJ for all this time, I made my first private post. 1st time EVER. A post i'm not sharing with anyone.
why? because every-time i post, it seems a new world of bullshit uproots and eats my soul or something crazy.
have i been distant to you lately? either it's because i have nothing to talk about, because you're not saying anything that interests me, beacuse i'm tired of dealing with the stress you serve me, because i just don't want to share with you, because i feel like you're stepping on my toes or getting closer than i let most anyone get to me, or because i just don't feel like interacting with someone of your likes.
it could be annnny one of those reason. usually, it's just because i don't have anything to say, and i don't want to talk about my own stresses, and i'm busy.
so why can't we all just chill, get off Michael's case, stop spreading this disease to each other, work to better the world with infinite kung fu of the heart, development of the spirit, growth of the soul, healing of the modern-mind, and a growth in person that allows us to not make anything out of nothing, nothing out of anything, or a notion out of being.
just grow. just be happy with what you have. don't try to take anything else from each other. don't work to harm, don't work for pity for people's appreciation. don't work for anything that isn't for the betterment of our own unique cultures (individually), betterment of our mind, body, spirits; work for the betterment of the world around us.
please, i beg of you. don't use my name or my past, or my actions, or my distance, or my cruelties for your stepping stone.
do you know how hard it is to meet someone who you seem to enjoy endlessly, and get butterflies in your stomach just by being around, then find out they've been spoon fed lies about you, before they realized you were the same person they've heard so much torture about?????? ever experience that?
so let's grow to better each other, not discuss out own sufferings. i'm being honest here, to show people what happens. i'm being cryptic, because the moment someone drops a name, or a situation, everyone pulls out their weapon of choice, and that's when there's a knife fight.
"Live for life; Not for granted." If you've heard me say it, and do not apply it. then that's probably a big part of why i've been distant.
---Goodbye.Michael.For.Good.
current mood: disappointed current music: "When Disaster Strikes" by Busta Rhymes
"If so, it's working: there are plenty protesters here, and apparently, some of them are naked. I've been unable to visually confirm this, although you may rest assured I'm trying. For example, I heard a report that some women had gotten naked in Central Park to protest the Bush administration's health-care policies. So as a journalist deeply interested in health-care, I took a taxi to Central Park, where I encountered two New York police officers, and we had this conversation, which I am not making up: Me: Is this the way to the naked protesters? First Police Officer: I hope so. Second Police Officer: We'll follow you. But there was nobody naked that I could see, and I was forced to leave Central Park without a definite opinion on the Bush administration's Heath-care policies."
-- Dave Barry, CDT 8.31.4
current mood: sick current music: "So Hardcore" by Busta Rhymes
I've successfully catalogued the 1st 130some CDs that contain Anime series episodes, or Asian Movies i've burnt. But I'm missing a spindle of 30-50 movies/episodes, so i am now going to clean/rearrange my room in hopes of finding such artifact.
Here's my room in layers, top to bottom....
-- CDs, Books, Video games -- Dirty Clothes -- Blankets and sheets -- Clean Clothes -- CDs / DVDs -- Papers/books -- Trash and dishes -- Hardwood floors.
beautiful. fucking-a.
off I go... I need a new home. I need a room in state college. keep your eyes open for me. thank you.
.
current mood: Eh.... I need a new Room/home current music: "Moving Shadows" by 60 Channels
10:27 pm - Snapcase; breakpoint; story done. broken.
i've actually hit a breakpoint.
like, i'm fed up, and sick of the world, and completely unbalanced and off centered. i snap at everything that gets under my skin, i do nothing but crave all day and night. everything irritates me. and i have no self-control; slugging the wall, yelling in the car at the people who go 10 under the speed limit in the rain. i'm just a snapcase, i swear.
what happened to me?
i worked so hard to achieve a balance, and just all this terror walks into my life and fucks up my motion.
it broke w/ the kung fu school drama. that completely did me in. and i sit here and i'm not blaming the school, i guess i just regret not being an asshole to everyone i let walk on me through that process.
bring tha motherfucking ruckus. so bring it on..... so bring it on... nigga.
i just scream and scream anything i can in the car just to keep me from venting on people. i feel bad for yelling at cars that can't hear me. i feel bad for getting upset over this stupid stuff. i start flipping, and look at myself while i do it, and shut up and regret it. my life is just regrets at this point. this is the point where i run the risk of not caring again.
i need to re-achieve balance. i need to reactive my compassion and heart-mind focus. i'm a loose cannon.
*sigh* it's jsut everything. give me a week, just one week, in the desert, or on the beach, or in the woods, or in the arctic, or on the ocean, or out west, or down south. just a week w/o anyone i know. w/o anyone expecting a person out of me. a week to recreate and rebirth. for better or worse.
at this point, i could make anything of my life i've ever wanted. i have these urges to do bad, wrong, decietful, heartless things. criminal. i feel like a criminal for feeling that way. and i kinda like the idea of it. of not caring for once. of just kicking shit and moving on. wrecklessness. but i feel morally wrong w/ it in my current persona that i've been living.
i guess the question is.... is cultivation a way to truly change your nature? or is it better to just be your nature, and cultivate that to the finest of what it wants to be?
so, do i evolve to the opposite of what i've always felt was the best for me, and live and let go? or do i press on, through this, keep my goals, even if they feel wrong, just to finally see soemthing straight fucking through to the very end, in my life (of my life)??
if you want beef than bring the ruckus... wu tang clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.
what makes a "good" person vs. what makes a person "good." if your acts are "evil" or "chaotic" but you're so good at it, and pure to your morals in that state, are you still a superior person in your life? are you still cultivated? or is there only the one direction, and depending on your actions, you are only cultivated based on that scale??
it's all comparative. so what's it matter? but if i don't compare in this situation,t hen i can just go kick some drunk in the teeth, take his wallet, and fix my freshly-shitted-out-car, and be just as justified as working a 12 hour day that gives me the same cash but wears me down, spends my precious study time, and limits my growth due to that.
i mean, it's all fucked up. i probably shouldn't even be writing this bullshit. it's all so ridiculous and wasteful of me.
anyone who really knows anything about me, should know that this really isn't me. so who is it? i don't understand....
12:54 am - Spitshine Like A (Rodeo) With A Shotgun
So, I haven't posted in a while. I guess because I haven't had anything worth saying. A blerp here or there doesn't emphasize my feelings. It doesn't express my heart. At this very moment, I don't even know what to write.... Everything's either bland or out in space and lost in memories or dreams. Magnetic.
At this very moment, i'm being told that young thinks i turned him into the police for i'm not sure what... but i believe it has something to do with not being allowed to hold a job in the usa. then again... i never cared or knew where he was working.
and there you have it my friends... the light that smothers my clarity. i don't know. ever since mid-july, things have just been... numbish. i've finally stopped developing it seems... i've stopped trying to learn, and stopped trying to grow. for now. it's temporary, i know that. but the whole kung fu school thing, just kinda killed it all for me.
what's the point anymore? i don't know... living this life, isn't for me. time to trade it in i think.... get a new one. but i do this every summer. last year it was mexico. the year before was my break from that, because i was too busy losing brittany. the year before was pittsburgh. i mean... it's obvious my "flow" just runs with the weather. i guess i'm in tune w/ my elements... but at the same time... out too much yin, not enough yang, in the way i choose to live my life. mainly because, i'm just not making any choices. just going with whatever.
is this making sense?? at all.
goals i see for myself.... Move. Alabama, Pittsburgh, Hawaii, China? State College, even? i don't know. I'm always trying to escape, but the whole time, i look at it and tell myself i need to learn to hold my center here, instead of running away when i'm getting shoved off balance. instead of letting the wind carry me away to a calmer place, i really need to learn to hold my ground and learn to build my roots deeper. and then expand. and then learn to float. maybe i'm doing it backwards? but if i did it the other way -- where i learn to root then fly-- i feel i will be too grounded to take my chances, and make my commitments out on the limb(s)/branch(es).
the never ending search for happiness is a drive of human nature. to desire happiness and comfort is in our blood, in our vessels. so, for me, i've filtered out most the drive for comfort, but that "dream" part hasn't dwindled down enough to not push me forward.
i'm feeling old. i'm getting old. i'm acting old. mid-life crisis = next 100 years.
i'm trying to actually say something meaningful here. *sigh* fuck it. what's it boil down to in the end? maybe it's time i shut this down, and out of my life.
clean slate = priceless.
i believe karma is simply causation. no predestiny. no fate. simply, when you do something, it has causes and effects on everything else around you. so, when i spend my time online, doing nothing, that time goes in the wasted pile, and i miss all the opportunities in life to succeed that might have happened at that moment. which digs me deeper. because if you're not climbing, and not falling, you're wasting your strength trying to hold your ground.
i keep getting fucked, so i keep fucking up. i need a new world around me, to help me clear my palette, and truly be whom i feel i need to be to live the fullfilling life.
i don't believe in birthdays, because i don't believe in celebrating your birth. it's holding on. i don't believe in holidays, it's a reason to cling to the past. ritual is important, but the demands inter-personally are too great in our society/culture. but maybe if i just learned to deal w/ who i was, the wrongs i've done, and not hurt over the people i've pained, maybe i would be able to sleep at night? maybe i would be able to feel good about myself; my life.
how do you write one big apology with one million big fuck ups, and one million different victims? i want to be a figure of honour, of trust, of honesty, and of humility for the people around me, to help them all. to teach them by example. but i'm too selfish still. i sit here and write this rant of rants about this self of selves, and try to say i don't want to be an individual. hypocrite.
I just spent 3 days training w/ Laura. i'm highly intrigued w/ her school... interested to visit and see how it works...
i just was deflecting pellets from a pellet gun w/ a katana. the welts are there from my mistakes, but cutting 2 in half and deflect 2 w/ the blade made it all worth while. not ocunting all the oens i dodged or deflected w/ the hand guard etc.
12:07 am - Try My Philosophies; Die If You Try Theirs
So, I've been removed from the school. I no longer teach at the kung fu school. I've been removed due to personal bullshit jealousy and drama, in the end of it all. I don't feel like going over all the details.... here are a few.
-- I don't pay sigong tons of money for classes. -- young does. -- young tells sigong that i can't fight, even though i went easy on him and still kicked him around. -- sigong wants more of young's money, so he tells sifu that i can't teach anymore. -- sifu is a puppy, and listens. -- i'm kicked out. -- i was the one showing up when sifu didn't. -- i was the one teaching when sifu wanted to go drink and play pool. -- he asked me to help, and now he's kicking me out.
there's soooo much more stupid drama. that's an outline.
someone hit my bike and messed up a bunch of little things that are a super pain in my ass, while i was being removed from my teaching position. i have to get that stuff fixed. thankfully, she left a number and a note. I'm just having minimal work done on it. it should be less than 100bucks i'm sure.
if anyone wants to train, we're tryna get stuff together on campus instead of at the school. a bunch of other students quit too it seems. we'll see how that goes. Fight group needs back on asap. i need it.
i'm gonna be housesitting for 2 weeks in lemont. i'll need company.
w/ this free time, i'm hoping to work my schedule so i can goto rochester next weekish maybe at the soonest. that will be a fun long bike ride.
*sigh* it's a shame. I really was hoping to affect these students' lives. :/ -- Michael.
current mood: Cracked in the chest current music: "Sugar" by Smile
Looks like i'll have to fight my teacher's teacher. now, this is my test mind you. and usually, at a test, you "spar" light or hard contact. but this isn't sparing. this is fighting. this is for blood. this is broken knuckles, ribs, bones, and teeth. i have a month or two probably until it all goes down. but the sad thing is, it's all politics. lame lame politics. i'd get into it, but they're so lame, it's not worth the time or effort. ask....
i don't know. it breaks my heart to know that people act like this. violence is no way to settle any disputes.
moving on, the main reason i'm going through with this, is because it will be the first time i can get shigong to actually listen to me. not just hear me, but listen to me. listen to what i have to teach him. and maybe make a difference in his life, followed by the lives of all those around him........... we'll see what i can do/say.
let's just hope i survive w/ minimal suffering. . . . . . .
until i go the 1st 500 miles, i'm not suppose to go above 4,000 rpms... so in six gear, that's only a bit over 50mph..... i got it up to 50 today actually. i drove down howard road all the way until it met 26, drove out by the airport, and hit fisherman's paradise.
the only thing i'm having difficulties with now, is getting it to go from a stop, into first, uphill. i've got the flat and downhill down pat. it's just the uphill part. mainly, in my Chucks, i can't touch the ground with both heels at the same time, so i have to use the break to keep me from drifting backwards. so i have to slowly release the clutch, keep the gas mild while slowly letting go of the front break appropriately. it's seemed nearly impossible, and i've drained my battery greatly today attempting it.
but i'm learning, and it's easy as cake to shift and to handle it. but sharp turns are still worry some. it's hard to commit to such a sharp and low lean around sharp turns.
well, i'll be off to work now. cruising bellefonte again tomorrow. :)
current mood: badass current music: "624 Part1" by fat jon
so, today was the first day riding my brand new Motorcycle. it's a 2004 Ninja 500. Brand new. it's tough learning to shift, and dealing w/ the clutch. left hand crutch, left foot shifts up for higher gears, down for lower gears. right hand front break, right foot rear break. you have to keep your weight off your arms, and the throttle in the right hand is so very sensitive when you're trying to go relatively slow.
I'll try to post pictures here soonish. It's silver w/ metal flack, and all the metal is black. i'm not sure if i'm taking off the black and orange decals yet.
so, that's my news. oh, i'm a headclerk/shiftmanager at mike's video, and the head of the graphic arts.
so, that's why i got a bike. haha. yeah.
moving on.....
current mood: geeyeah current music: "The Space Between Two World" by Nujabes
disappointed
sick
