Today would've been my three year wedding anniversary.  I spent most of the day reflecting on what a great marriage we had and came home to make some delicious homemade pad thai...that I "assisted" my Tuesday night dinner friends with...ended the evening with an encouraging conversation with my in-laws.  Overall it was a good day...November 6 is a day I will never forget.  

I wanted to share this amazing poem that our very talented friend, Robby wrote for us as a wedding present...for some reason it means a little more to me now...enjoy. 


The Time Away

Always build them up,
for you have felt the tearing down,
the microscopic splintering of bones as they grow,
the loss that leaves a space for renewal.
As you shake yourself from the pile of crumbled snakeskin,
Step forward and focus every word and act to build them up,
For you know fulfillment now comes only through their hearts,
their desires, their joys.
Don't forsake the memory of old ambition, selfish brokenness
and times that lacked direction,
but use them more like mulch on the vegetable plots,
not like carpet for the rooms of the living.
These ones you build up rest their hope in rebirth, not in death,
in returning, not departure.

They can't wait to see your surprise
when you arrive and see the fresh paint on the walls,
the hand-hammered bedframes and newly upholstered chairs.
They've hummed and buzzed around the house
as long as you've been gone,
counting the days forward -- not down --
for they only know how long it's been,
not when the beginning will come.
So many days passing have not dampened their eager expectation,
their eyes like silver maples, refreshed by autumn rain.

Each morning they remember you at the breakfast table,
in the dark-stained cups, the toasted bread,
the prayers they say, and afterwards in drying a dish
the youngest daughter says, "Maybe today, at dinner, today."

Through afternoon the boys polish up their drawings
of imagined heroes and complicated plans
for new, better modes of transport.
And the girls rehearse stories of adventures
they've dreamed, or thought they remembered,
marking their shaky scripts,
hoping the details come out straight.
No one really thinks their work is done, or good enough,
nor do they worry you'll mind.

The time away seems short to those who go,
long to those who stay.
Return, and from the waiting ash,
raise a final full awakening.

(December 3, 2004)
 

Yesterday morning Micah and I drove to Roanoke, Virginia to see my grandmother...I think it has been about 7 years since I have seen her.  She just turned 92 years old and she is simply amazing.  Very strong, all together and seemed happy.  Every trip that I have attempted to make has fallen through for some reason or another, so after she didn't' sound so well we decided to go down and surprise her...it was a good trip with my parents and a good trip with my grandma...and of course with my son.

Here she is...


So, before we left for out 7 hour car ride yesterday I was rummaging through some of my old books from college in my room at my parents house and I came upon a book I have thought about a lot over the past few years.  In college I took a class called "Death and Dying" and one of the books for the class was How We Die: Reflections on Life's Final Chapter by Sherwin Nuland.  What is interesting about finding this book yesterday, was where I must've stopped...at the chapter entitled "Hope and the Cancer Patient".

So, today I read it.  After reading it I have thought a lot about the hope that Mark and I had...Nuland begins the chapter defining what hope is, he gives numerous definitions...my favorite is "to hope against hope," which the lexicographers describe as "having hope though it seems to be baseless."  In our car ride and sitting in my room tonight I have thought about our hope...we never hoped that the drugs, radiation or surgeries would "cure" Mark...we hoped in the Kingdom come...that with the laying on of hands and the with anointing of oil the Lord's healing would manifest. 

Nuland says, "When I have explained the high frequency of dangerous toxicity of certain desperate forms of treatment whose likelihood of success is remote, some of my advanced cancer patients have wisely chosen to do nothing, and found their hope in other ways."  We chose to try meds but rely on the Lord's healing power.  The day Mark died, I told Mark I was afraid to take him to the hospital because I was afraid he would not come home...he shot up and painfully asked me if I had lost hope in his healing...because if I did he could die right there...I had not...that hope sustained him...sustained me through that time...I have to admit I need some of that hope again.

Life  as of late...thought I would give a short update and possibly a longer one when I have more time.

Micah is doing very well.  He loves kindergarten and making many friends.  Last week I went to open house and he took me on a scavenger hunt all around the school, showing me everything...he was very proud of everything.  He is growing up very quickly and soon will be taller than me.  

This past month Micah and I went to San Diego to visit our friends the Evans' and Mark's brother's family...we had a wonderful and relaxing time.  Thank you for opening your home to us Jason and Brooke and being community to us.  It was also so great to meet my new nephew that was born in August, who is carrying Mark's name...he is adorable.

This past weekend, Micah and I flew out to Morrison, Illinois to a Brethren in Christ church where I gave my "testimony" and sat on a panel discussion...the church community was a wonderful host...they fed us well, and Micah took an amazing 4 hour nap on Saturday...cannot remember the last time I did that !  That weekend has made me think a lot about so many things...I am still processing everything.

So, about 5 weeks ago, I got a bike, fixed it up and I have been riding it to work everyday.  I love it.  In the mornings Micah and I walk to school and then I ride to work...we will see what happens when it starts to snow.  I'm thinking of selling my car.  

That is all for now...more to come.

Well, Micah started kindergarten today and he was so excited.  Kristina and I walked him down to school and we walked him all around the school.  Although he was a little hesitant when we first walked in the cafeteria, he didn't think twice when we walked out the door.  This is going to be a very exciting year!  

Here he is....

Dreams are weird occurrences in our lives, sometimes...they can be so real and vivid.  After Mark passed away I prayed that I would dream of him, that I would at least see him in my dreams, but that only happened once since he passed away...except last night.  I woke up weeping from a dream of Mark where he was still alive, but still sick.  My face was swollen, my nose stuffed and my eyes burned...I felt as if the dream was so real.  I was in a state of confusion and immediately ran down to Patience's room and woke her up (thank you for being such an understanding housemate) and told her all about it.  I don't think I have ever cried in my sleep.  Maybe it has been a blessing that I haven't had many dreams about him...

In other news...Micah starts kindergarten tomorrow.  I cannot believe this day is here already.  It is very exciting.  I think it will take some adjusting, but I'm sure he is going to have a wonderful year!  Thanks to my housemates and friends, the transition won't be too difficult for any of us.  I will post some pictures of his first day tomorrow....he has grown so much this summer!

I am still here!

I wanted to give a quick update for those interested...

Micah has played and finished t-ball already.  Here are pictures if you would like to see him playing.  He was great and his "fans" always helped him out.  He would run and get the ball and if he got it, he would have a beaming smile and show all of us the ball he "caught".  I am very proud of him.  Micah now spends his day at the OSU Kid's Camp and when I pick him up he is completely wiped out!  This summer is going extremely fast!  Kindergarten is coming soon...

This week Micah has been in the hills of Pennsylvania with his gramps and grammy having a wonderful time...I will be joining him on Friday...I miss him very much and he has only been gone a couple of days. 

That's all for now...I will write more soon...about me.

Peace to you.

Another month has almost passed with no post...time seems to be moving so quickly.

Summer craziness has begun today.  Micah's schedule and thus my schedule is extremely full this summer.  Today was his first day of t-ball.  We were both pretty excited, but it was incredibly emotionally difficult for me.  As we were driving to the field I had a memory of Mark and I talking about Micah doing t-ball, two years ago.  I wanted to put him in a league when he was three, the summer that Mark had his surgeries, but Mark did not want to...he wanted to be one of the dads that was at every practice and every game...he knew that he wouldn't make it to all of them because of his health and wanted to wait till he was healthy.  We know how that story goes and thus it was me taking him today.  I missed Mark so much today...I wish he could've seen his son playing...I told Micah his dad would've been proud and he said "I know." 

Next week Micah starts summer camp at Ohio State and the following week piano lessons with a girl from the community.  It will be a very full summer...and before we know it, it will be over and he will start kindergarten in September.  I know I have said it many times, but I could never do this without the help and support of my community...they help me so much.  I have no idea how people could do this without people like I have in my life.

I will try and update more often...there is so much that goes on here at 64 King.

Peace to you this night.

I wanted to do this in a separate post...

Today Mark would've been 33 years old.  Today is also Mark's father's birthday.  We talked early this morning and missed Mark very much.  There is still such a tremendous void...it has been almost 14 months since she passed from this life. 

It is days like today that I look at my tattoos and I have hope in the day of resurrection...and the Kingdom to fully come. 

Peace to you this night.

So, it has been a month since I have posted...here is an update, if I have any readers left.

Yesterday was the dreaded day...I waited til I got to work to look and see if I passed the bar exam and unfortunately I did not.  I am extremely disappointed in myself and have a lot of mixed emotions.  I really studied hard and I think I did my best.  Thank you to all who prayed and encouraged me.  I still think Mark would've been proud of me...I now have to decide what to do from here.  Any suggestions? 

Yesterday I flew to DC for a couple of days.  I am going for a seminar for my work and I get to go early and visit some longtime friends, who I haven't seen since my wedding.  It should be a good time.  

Micah is doing really well...I have signed him up for t-ball that starts June 4th.  He is really excited, as are some of the guys in the community.  I think if he could he would have Patience play with him everyday in the backyard.  

Kelli got married to Matt Blinn last weekend.  They are both moving to Bowling Green and it will be weird to not have them here.  Kelli moved in when Mark was sick and has lived in 64 King for 2 years...she will be missed.  I have known her since her freshman year in high school and we have been through a lot together.  I am sure we will stay in touch and will see both of them often.  Kelli was the one who brought me to Landing Place the first time...to 64 King for the first time...wow, that seems like a long time ago!  Here is the bride...

Yesterday I had Micah's parent-teacher conference.   We put Micah in this preschool shortly after Mark's first surgery so there would be stability in his life during a difficult time.  After the first day Mark posted this... 

"We just picked up Micah from his first day of preschool. He said he wants to go back tomorrow, so that's a good sign. I think there was a bit of an issue with shyness; the teacher told us that the other kids asked her if Micah knew how to talk. Our kid is the mute one. How did this happen? "

He has certainly come a long way...yesterday, his teacher informed me that he is the "class clown" and loves to make the other kids laugh.  So, when I picked him up yesterday I asked him about it and he told me he just couldn't stop laughing...he tried but he couldn't.  He is a very happy little boy, who constantly brings joy to my life.  Monday night my mom asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he said "nothing...I have everything."  Mark would be proud of his little prophet!

As he is growing I am seeing Mark more and more in him...while in Honduras Blake buzzed his hair and he now looks older and more like Mark.  He turned 5 while we were in Honduras...I cannot believe how old he is...it was a really good birthday.  


*Picture of Micah and I at the "big tree."


*Micah, Blake and I at the airport.

Last night was the first night of Passover.  Micah, Rachel and I celebrated with my parents and a family that I have celebrated with my entire life.  Last night I was asked to read the following modified reflection and I thought I would share it...it has encouraged me...hope it does something to you too.

WHO KNOWS ONE?

A Passover reflection by Rabbi Michael Strassfeld

Who knows one? Six is the over 400,000 people who have already died.

These and more are the plagues of Darfur. 

Who knows one? I know one—Rwanda.

Who knows one? I know one—Bosnia.

Who knows one? I know one—Cambodia.
There are too many ones.

One. Two. Four hundred thousand. Six million.

For six million are the lips of our dead mouthing  “never again” in eternal silence.

Who knows one? I know one.

For I am that one.

It is for me alone to speak out. I and no other.

Not a messenger, not a congressperson, not a president.

I alone am here to tell the tale.

Who knows one? I am that one.

And who knows--I may be the one who will make the difference.

SAVE DARFUR