Kazuma's Thoughts [entries|friends|calendar] Souma Kazuma [ website | OOC journal ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(Sing me a song) (public) my essence... [04 Nov 2003|09:27pm] [ mood | weird ] [ music | Shashkin - Omar Faruk Tekbilek (Arabesque) ] You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator. "And The Goddess planted the acorn of life. She cried a single tear and shed a single drop of blood upon the earth where she buried it. From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into the world." Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek), Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian). The Goddess is associated with the concept of creation, the number 1, and the element of earth. Her sign is the dawn sun. As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic individual and people are drawn to you. Although sometimes you may seem emotionally distant, you are deeply in tune with other people's feelings and have tremendous empathy. Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your own self. Goddesses are the best friends to have because they're always willing to help. Which Mythological Form Are You? brought to you by Quizilla It figures I would be the goddess. Me and my fruity self. But...god...that description...it's just like me...JUST like me...how am I so startled by that? Man...for anyone who doesn't know me very well...there it is... Hey, sorry I haven't been posting very often lately everyone, I've just been kind of...distracted lately...I don't quite know by what. Eh. Just my usual addle-brainedness. Hari, I need to call you soon. Aya, call me dearest! T_T I miss my beautiful dearest! ^_~ Love to all, Kazuma

(Sing me a song) (private) So long [22 Sep 2003|09:41am] [ mood | content ] [ music | creek and birds... ] It's been a long while since I've written. Things have been peaceful. I know I never wrote it in here, but Hari came back from his escapade with Akito, Akito having a sprained ankle or something (heehee*cough* I mean...ehem). Momiji and I have become better friends. I'm saying in this entry most of what was in the public one...lol. Retard me. I think Hari has something odd up his sleeve...he's been very thoughtful lately. Kyou and he have made some progress, but Hari makes Kyou nervous. I think maybe he said something to Kyou concerning what he's thinking about? o_O I'm most likely just being stupid. Oh well. Nothing much to worry about right now. Kyou stayed the weekend. ^_^ Made me happy. I wish he would come over more often. These mosquitos are killing me...T_T I itch everywhere man. Hari keeps giving me stuff to try and make it stop itching, but results have been minimally helpful. One major disadvantage to living in rural country, that's for sure...it's bug-mania. Thankfully fall/winter is approaching and they'll be gone. Yay! Speaking of fall/winter...Yuki's birthday was this weekend. I had forgotten until Hari mentioned it in passing. Hm. My birthday is coming up in November. Ugh, I just keep getting older. o_O Oh well. At least I'm not aging physically much yet. ^_^ Yay! That's the second paragraph I ended in yay...oh man I'm a fruit. I miss Aya-chan...he's been so busy with...something...I don't know. I asked him to call me in my public post. I hope he's spending more time with Shigure. ^_^ That would make me grin. But he's busy with something else...and he won't tell anyone what it is. -_-;; I'll squeeze it outta him. I haven't seen my dearest in FAR too long. ;_; Well that's all I have to say for now. Gonna go practice some patterns and try to make a bowl of cereal...>_>;; and not destroy my kitchen. -Kazuma

(Sing me a song) (public) Fuchsia? eheheh.....yeah I'm gay. [22 Sep 2003|09:36am] [ mood | content ] [ music | creek, birds... ] Livejournal Mood Ring kyou_no_shishou is happy. You're a rosy-cheeked ray of f'ing sunshine 24/7. I bet you smile a lot and little things don't get you down. Must be nice. Fuchsia's definitely your color.   brought to you by interim32. wanna know your livejournal's mood ring color? enter your username and hit the button. Heehee. Yeah, I suppose so. I dunno about 24/7, but my loved ones keep me smiling pretty much most of the time. ^_^ Thanks guys! Ugh...it's been forever since I updated...sorry all! Nothing really to talk about. Everything is almost eerily peaceful...spending more time with Momiji, Kyou was up here over the weekend, Hari comes by a few times a week and most weekends...stuff is good. ^_^ I love you all! But I do really miss Aya-chan...Aya-chan, we should do something. ^_^ Call me! -Kazuma

(1 song | Sing me a song) (publie) For Ayame again [10 Aug 2003|10:33pm] [ mood | listless ] [ music | U & Me=L O V E - Jewel ] This also reminded me of you too much to pass up. This may be cheesy, but I think it will make you smile. It made me smile. Walk down the street 2 a psychedelic beat I'm a real girl In an unreal world Disco lights and buff bodies are nice I'm like any girl; I enjoy the sights But I'm no Cinderella 2 your storybook fella I'm no Barbie doll for your fantasies and all If u let me be me, I'll be better than your best dream U and m-e spells l-o-v-e 2 me Come on, baby, won't u crash into me? I'm like nothing that you've ever seen Dynamite, I'll blow your mind Guaranteed 2 mesmerize You'll say, "Ooh la, la, la, laaaaaa... Ooh la la la" Old Spice is nice But sweat is better E-mail is cool But romance lives in a letter Batteries are fine, but I'm Energized all the time U and m-e spells l-o-v-e 2 me Come on, baby, won't u crash into me? I'm like nothing that you've ever seen Dynamite, I'll blow your mind Guaranteed 2 mesmerize You'll say, "Ooh la, la, la, laaaaaa... Ooh la la la" Hee. -Kazuma

(1 song | Sing me a song) (public) For Ayame [10 Aug 2003|10:03pm] [ mood | listless ] [ music | Sweet Temptation - Jewel ] This song reminded me of you, of how you feel about people, just of your essence, I don't know. Anyway, something to cheer you, hopefully. Running fast through a fairy tale Dark woods; starless night Feel cold air in my lungs Full moon, you follow me- you say "Why do hearts so often stray?" You pierce me like an arrow Beneath the blanket of night Longing for flight When you fall into me It feels so sweet, like dreaming Press yourself into me Let me feel your breathing There's a voice in your heart Softly calling Come to me you will see, just give in to this sweet temptation I awake, do a double take to see Where it is that I lay- it could be Day or night, I'm not quite sure Your absence is a thorn Your flesh, your skin Is the only flag there is to believe in When you fall into me It feels so sweet, like dreaming Press yourself into me Let me feel your breathing There's a voice in your heart Softly calling Come to me you will see, just give in to this sweet temptation I can love you like nobody else 'Cause I can love you Like nobody else When you fall into me It feels so sweet, like dreaming Press yourself into me Let me feel your breathing There's a voice in your heart Softly calling When you fall into me It feels so sweet, like dreaming Press yourself into me Let me feel your breathing There's a voice in your heart Softly calling Come to me you will see, just give in to this sweet temptation... Love you, Aya-chan. Miss you, too. -Kazuma

(Sing me a song) (private) Always a mystery... [10 Aug 2003|09:41pm] [ mood | determined ] [ music | What's Simple Is True - Jewel ] Hari's gone again. I don't know to where. At least I got warning and a goodbye, that was a plus. I suppose I shouldn't sound so bitter about it, he has to do what he has to do. I just feel sad that he doesn't think he can tell me where he's going. I know he's with Akito. I thought so right when I read his goodbye, but I wasn't sure until Aya-chan's automatic guess the other night was just that. At the time, I was very frustrated, and Aya-chan had to unplug and hide all the phones from me so that I wouldn't call Hari's phone yelling and asking why didn't he tell me. It's obvious why he didn't want to tell me, because he thought I'd lose a nut just like I did. -_-;; Stupid, stupid me. If only I could control my emotions more...I'm really good at acting around people I don't know very well or am not close to, but with those I love, I can't help but wear my heart on my shoulder. He knew that, and he probably didn't want me to feel stupid after one of my stupid outbursts about Akito. ...I really hate that man. I really, really do. But I know Hari has to do what he has to do, and he has had different experiences than I have and has seen different things, and he is also much more forgiving than I am. It is hard for me to forgive such evil things. One has to earn that kind of forgiveness from me. It's not easy. I don't hand out that kind of thing. I don't know if I should or shouldn't. I just know I don't. But it doesn't matter that Hari is with him, really. I don't care what happens. I've heard the stories and rumors about what Akito does with the older Juunishi. I don't care if they have sex dawn till dusk. Souma Hatori loves me, and I love him, and nothing can come between that. Not even that heartless bastard who claims to love the Juunishi. Akito may temporarily claim his body, but his soul loves me. It sounds selfish to say, but I know it to be so intensely true due to reasons beyond these mortal words. It sounds intensely stupid, I know, but there's no other way I know to express this fundamental truth that burns within me. It doesn't matter what they do. What's simple is true. I love him, and he loves me. So there. Take that, you unfeeling ice bastard. We have eachother. You have neither of us. ESPECIALLY not him. Of this I am sure. -Kazuma

(1 song | Sing me a song) (private) -pride- [24 Jul 2003|04:26pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | Simple and Clean (original slow) - Utada Hikaru ] Yesterday evening, it occurred to me that I hadn't talked to Aya-chan one-on-one in a while. At the party, we were all distracted by Hari's presence, so none of us really became updated on one another. I called him yesterday evening. I began boisterously beginning conversation with him, but I soon got the feeling that there was something wrong. I don't know why this always happens...I feel like the other person's deepest emotions are flowing into me somehow...through their voice or their presence or something. I don't know. I don't always understand what the feelings are about, but they're there nontheless. How do I know they're the other person's emotions and not just me being retarded? Well, usually I'd know it was me being retarded, but...I dunno...somehow, I just know...I just know they come from the other person. Somehow. I just...know. Anyway. Off on a stupid, self-absorbed tangent. There was something wrong with him. I asked him how he was cheerfully and he said he was great in the most convincing tone possible. But those feelings...I knew there was something wrong. Even if I didn't have those weird feelings, there was something amiss in his voice. Something empty and lonely, calling out for someone but hating it all at the same time. What the hell am I talking about? No one can tell that much from a tone of voice. I'm just being stupid. But whatever it was that made me become concerned, it spurred me to try and get to the bottom of things. It became harder than I originally thought, though, because he changed the subject swiftly and artfully on me. He asked *me* if I was alright. Geesh...Aya-chan...he sure does like to beat around the bush. Kind of tiring for a slow, witless bear like me. But I love him, so it wasn't a problem. I decided to go with the flow the best way I know how, so I answered his question, saying I was fine and that I just felt kind of lonely because I always feel lonely when I get left all alone on my mountain. He said he knew how I felt and he wished he knew how not to feel that way. I was kind of confused by that...can't he see anyone he wants whenever he wants?? I mean, aside from his job hours. Seems like he's always out and about to me...but one never knows. I felt that he really felt this way, so I went with it. He said that he felt separated from everyone. I didn't understand that. I asked him about it and he said that it was because we all lived so far apart. We're not that far! Not far enough to feel separated! I'm suspicious that he isn't having much sex with loved ones lately, and physical contact is a must-have for him or he goes downhill. I know that much, and I suspect it. He continued saying it was because we were physically far apart. I miss people when they're far away from me...Kyou, Hari, Aya-chan himself...but I never feel separated from them. Strange. I explained this to him but he didn't understand all the way. And I don't think that was the probem. The problem was, as I have stated before, that Aya-chan is a molten-physical creature. Utterly physical. If he can't touch it and feel its flesh against his, it's not real. So in part, I understood. In part, I didn't. I kept trying to cajole the truth out of him; about how he felt, why he felt it, what was going on. It was hard. Very hard. He eventually said he was in a stage where he didn't want anyone around him. That hurt me. I became selfish for a moment, which is very like me, but at the same time it so rarely happens. Weird, I know. -_-;; But true. It made an empty spot somewhere I can't describe. Aya-chan doesn't want me around? Aya-chan doesn't want my help? I want his help...I want him around...is he leaving me? Even for a little while? It will hurt! It will hurt me! Aya-chan! I don't want you to go! All these selfish things bolted through my head in a split second, and right after I thought them, I was ashamed at myself. How selfish. Aya-chan is in pain right now. But then I thought...but he needs someone with him...for his own good, for his own healing. He'll never be able to do it all alone. And I don't know why I though it was such a big deal and why the whole conversation made my heart throb painfully in my chest or why I felt like something was on the line concerning this conversation. I'm such a retard. Such a fool. Such an utter fool. So I spent a while trying to convince him that he needed someone to help him through this...all the while not even knowing why he was so upset...Hari's theory was Ritsu. Speaking of Hari…a little while through my phone conversation with Aya-chan, Hari got online and IMed me. I'm usually the one to IM him so I was a little surprised, but so, so relieved I could have died right there from relief. I needed him then. So much. In my sorrow I told him without thinking that Aya was upset, not putting two and two together upon seeing that Aya-chan was also online. I. Am. So. Moronic. It hurts sometimes to be this stupid, you know? T_T I wish I had been born sharp and smart and witty like Hari, but we are who we are and we must make the best of it. So anyway, right in the middle of me trying to tell Aya-chan something very, very important and what I felt to be deep sort of, he says almost crying, “Why did you tell Tori-san?” His tone was so heartbreaking and forlorn, I almost cried right then. I felt horrible for a moment, and stupid… But then I realized, that’s not stupid. It’s not stupid at all. I wouldn’t have told Hari * then * if I had known Aya-chan had also been online, but I would have told him sometime. After the phone conversation. I would have called him. I would have told him regardless. Because I love him and I love Aya-chan, and Hari loves me and deserves to know what was on my mind. I told Aya-chan as much. I don’t know if he understood or not. I don’t think he feels like anyone deserves to be told how he feels, because I don’t think he sees it as important and I don’t think he knows how much it hurts people not to know why he’s sad and to not be able to help him. I then told Aya-chan that he was so strong, he was strong enough to overcome his natural want to be alone when he’s sad. He said he didn’t want to overcome it, there was no point. I told him he didn’t have to just sit there and take the pain, he could do something about it. He then said something that ripped my heart apart in an instant and made all my insides feel like they were being mutilated in the worst way. He said he never saw it as a problem. He never saw this as a problem. That he was all alone in his time of need. Not a problem. Well you know what? His tone of voice and everything else that had happened in the conversation screamed otherwise, and it broke my heart to see him try to make himself believe so valiantly that it was not a problem. He seriously wanted to believe it. I felt this. It utterly killed me. At that point I knew I was going to start bawling. Now, I hate when I cry. It is so childish. I wouldn’t mind every once and a while, like a normal human being, but JESUS. I cry every goddamn chance I get. Like a little schoolgirl too. Over the stupidest things. I do have to admit, this wasn’t a stupid thing to cry over, but I was just sick of it. And also, Aya-chan did NOT need to hear THAT. It would just send him deeper and darker. That was the last thing I wanted. I grew desperate…this was not what I wanted. This was the LAST thing I wanted. So I turned to my love, Hatori. He told me to breathe. Breathe slow and deeply. I did. It was hard at first, and I made some bizarre squeaking noises. I think Aya-chan became seriously concerned that I was having a heart attack or some such thing, but after a few moments I was able to squeeze out some words without bursting into tears. I had Hatori’s constant, warm reassurance through the IM…I could feel his love and confidence about this pour into me like hot honey. It was incredible. An amazing feeling. I feeling of “I can do this.” And I did. I did not cry. I was so proud of myself. Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I was proud of myself? …………….. I…I can’t remember…when the last time was… …………….. A…anyway… After that little episode was almost over and I was semi-able to speak again, Aya-chan said he wanted to hold me. To embrace me. Heh. I said, “So…you want me there with you?” “Well…I don’t know…if I’m ready for that yet…” “But in order for you to do that, I’d have to be there.” “……..I know.” I then reassured him that I loved him and e assured me of the same…and I asked what I could do for him. His answer brought tears to my eyes again, although not ones that threatened to result in crying. Just tears. That’s all. “Just keep on loving me.” That’s the easiest request I have ever had asked of me. Of course I will, Ayame. Always I will. We ended the conversation with him asking me to be good for Hari and to take care of him, and to make him happy. Funny….that was also a request I had made of myself. Ayame…Hatori…I can only hope that I can fufill it. And Hatori…I know that this is a private entry, but…somehow maybe you can feel it from me, from these words, from this cold metal screen that glows before me…but I thank you…I thank you so much…for the first time since I can remember, I am proud of myself. And you did that. You did that. I love you. I love you so much that my heart cannot contain it and my soul bursts from it and my life thrives on it and I could not ask for anything more besides your and Kyou and Aya-chan’s presence in my life. Out of those three, however, you are my soul-deep adored one, my soul’s partner, in every demention and space and time and reality and perception and….oh god… And Ayame…I will always love you…you are the brother I never had and now I do and it’s amazing…always love you….please…please be happy…please come to me when you need me…even if you don’t want me, you might need me…and I’m not going away. I love you…I love you both…thank you so much… I was proud of myself… -Kazuma

(Sing me a song) (private) Simple and clean (is the way that you're making me feel tonight) [20 Jul 2003|10:43pm] [ mood | peaceful ] [ music | Party's Just Begun - Nelly Furtado ] I haven't posted in a few days. That's because I haven't known what to say. What can one say when one is in heaven? Well, almost heaven. Kyou is acting weird. He often does in the summer and winter, the extreme seasons, but lately...I don't know. It's odd. And I think Hatori coming back threw him off. I think it's because he's taking Momiji's and my attention away. I feel horrible, but I'm with him as much as I can be right now. Hatori and I want to invite him to dinner with us...but if it was just me, Kyou, and Hatori, wouldn't it be...I don't know...weird? Uncomfortable? Wouldn't he feel like a fifth wheel? I know I would...I'll have to talk to Hari about it. Speaking of Hari...something's come over him. He's new. He's reborn. It's amazing, and I love it. I don't know what caused it...his illness? But it's amazing, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. We've seen each other a number of times. Each has been different and equally incredible, with something groundbreaking being said every time. Groundbreaking to me, anyway...we never talked like this before. I can't get enough. I want to talk to him all day. I've never felt like this. Do you know how many times I've written that same sentence in this journal? I feel extremely repetitive. But it's true, and I have to say it. It's become my new slogan. LOL But anyway... He spent the weekend a couple weekends ago. How I missed that...our first weekend back together since he returned. It was so much better than before...so much deeper and slower and passionate and emotional. The whole experience. The whole night. It sounds like I'm talking about sex, but it's really that wonderful just being around him. It's better than sex. It's love. We were almost never out of contact with eachother...I even was touching him most of the time while he cooked me dinner. I hope it doesn't insult him that he has to cook for me...I wish I could cook so much! I would cook every meal for him. ^_^ To make up for my lack of skill and all the times he's had to do it for me. He brought Momiji with him...I love that boy. He’s joining my classes now! I can already tell he’s going to be surprisingly talented. He doesn’t have much strength yet, but his speed and agility are already easy to see. He was so excited, bouncing all over the dojo and asking to see me do some complicated moves and so on. Hari looked apologetic as hell and totally exasperated, but I reassured him and told him that I loved Momiji dearly and wouldn’t change him for the world. Kyou looked happy…as happy as he can normally look. But…it seemed like some part of him was almost…upset about something… I have a sneaking suspicion that he feels as though his territory is being invaded. He’s upset about Hari suddenly being back. He’s unnerved by Momiji taking lessons at the dojo. Everything is creeping in on him after a while of regularity…I guess…I don’t know. Anyway, I’ve been to two birthday parties recently. One was for Haru and one was for Hari. Haru’s party was…quite something. Fortunately there were no transformations…but there was plenty of just about everything else. Including strongly spiked punch, which I drank. A lot of. All I really remember is hanging off of Hari like seaweed off of a diver and doing a topless Doraemon routine for Truth and Dare. I hope I didn’t have sex with Shigure or make out with anyone in public or anything like that. Hari’s birthday was completely different. It was all peace, utter peace. One of the most tranquil calms I have ever experienced. Amazing. I loved it. It was a time I will never forget. Shigure, Aya-chan, Hari, and I fit together and melded our auras so perfectly…such peace is so rarely seen. He made dinner after I shopped for all the ingredients…again, I felt bad that he was doing it, but I was pacified when he told me how much he enjoyed it and wanted to do it. He is so beautiful. Nowadays, it’s different than it used to be…he always tells me the truth and almost always tells me what’s on his mind. I can feel our love. It’s almost tangible. It burns me from the inside and warms me from the outside. When we touch, it’s not like electricity like it used to be. It’s like…slow, mellow, spreading heat, and thrilling, heartbreaking emotion. It runs so deep inside that sometimes I feel like it might wrench me apart and put me back together in an endless cycle. Love is beautiful. It is hard. It can hurt. But it is the most beautiful thing in this entire universe. Aya-chan had made all three of us extraordinary silk robes, and he and Shigure dragged me away from the cooking Hatori to dress me up. At a slightly later time, they took Hari away and did the same to him. Oh god…he looked so majestic. I have never seen anything so beautiful. Deep forest green with dragons carefully embroidered in silver thread…oh god, there’s not even any words for it… We ate and of course it was amazing. How could anything coming out of Hari not be amazing? Afterwards we went into the dojo and danced. It was so wonderful. I first danced with Hatori. It felt so perfect. Like we had been waiting thousands of years to be together. Oh god, it was so wonderful. I then danced with Shigure. Shigure is like an age-old song that has seen everything. There is a thick air of mystery and wisdom and energy that only comes from an ancient soul. Not an ancient life. A soul. He is smoke and mist and fog, gray-blue and hazy, dewy and knowing. He smells of smoke and ash and stone. Stone ravines and ancient creeks running through them. He moved with extreme grace and so naturally, as if he had been born to move like that. I had a marvelous time dancing with him. I was sort of distracted by how beautiful Aya-chan and Hari looked together. Like obsidian and pearl side by side. Stunning. I wish I was that beautiful, could do him justice and look that beautiful next to him. But that’s a selfish, stupid wish. At least I have him. That is first and foremost. That is most important, and I know it. But sometimes I can’t help but wish I could be better for him. To improve myself so that we are on the same level. But that’s unattainable. It’s a useless dream. I will be my best and love him with all my heart and soul, and that’s all I can do. ^_^ After that, both Shigure and Ayame took him to separate rooms one after another to give him more private, special gifts. I wanted to know what they were…I now know what Aya-chan’s was, but not Shigure’s. Maybe I’ll find out sometime. Maybe I won’t. It doesn’t matter that much. We played a drinking game and a word game, which was very relaxing and tons of fun, and even brought out some perverted Hatori moments. Heehee. We were all thoroughly amused by that. After a while, Aya-chan and Shigure fell asleep on each other, so Hari and I went to my room. I undressed him carefully, revealing inch by inch of his lovely pale skin. It was with surprise that I unveiled an elegant silver belly chain, hanging low around his slim hips and accenting his whole form. I knew instantly this was what Aya-chan had given him. I couldn’t believe it. I walked around him in awe, just looking at how fantastic he was and thinking to myself that I couldn’t believe this and I didn’t deserve this, and trying to convince myself that it was all real. It was really real. I still don’t know if it’s hit me fully yet. When it does, I fear I might die from disbelief at the wonder of it all. Then it was his turn to undress me and I became anxious. He was about to reveal my special present to him. I had thought it over many, many times, and had come to the conclusion that it was what I wanted to do. He disrobed me and saw it. I had gotten an elaborate, elegant tattoo of a seahorse on my upper left thigh. Blues and greens, Hari’s colors. The look on his face told me I hadn’t made a terrible choice. I had been terrified, but then I knew it was okay. We sat there on my bed for a couple more stunned moments, not believing how amazing the other was (although I don’t know why he would think that about me, but hey, it’s love…you can’t help who you love I guess. I should just feel lucky and not wonder about it), then w both kind of pounced on each other, and the rest is porntastic history. It was the most passionate love-making I have ever experienced. I would write about it, try to put the feeling in words, but there aren’t any words for the experience. I’m not even going to try. At all. I love him. I love him so much. All I want is to see him happy and to be with him. To be with him. Ah…what a dream. What an amazing, amazing life. What a feeling. -Kazuma

(Sing me a song) (private) And the love...vibration...you make me feel...you make me shine... [03 Jul 2003|07:53pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | Love Profusion - Madonna ] I got you... Under my skin... Continuing from earlier about my evening with Hatori. I guess the whole thing could be described as slow. Very slow. Wonderfully slow. I love slow things. I'm a slow guy. In love and in the head. ^_^;; Good thing this is private, I would get my ass kicked by more than one person if I was caught saying that. But it was talking, whispering, touching, warmth, the amazing feeling of togetherness after missing eachother for so long. It was the best time I have had with him yet. Just beautiful. I had candles out, so the light was dimly orange and everything was herb-scented. All my muscles relaxed just from hearing his low, smooth voice. It's so beautiful. It haunts you once you hear it, even if you were to only hear it once. He made us dinner and we were eachother's dessert. Lovely. The slowest sex I have ever had. GOD, was it amazing. I felt him on ENTIRELY new levels than before, I was so overwhelmed. I think I cried silently a couple times, but thank god he didn't know. He would have gone ape-nuts worrying about me. Silly Hari. This time, I could actually feel that love, that love on an equal level, and I knew then that he hadn't been in love with me before. He had been scared. I realize that now. But it's okay. We had slow, gentle sex all night. All warm and soft and love. How I had missed the pine...I felt like I was in the forest at sunset on a warm spring evening, with new life everywhere, slowly succuming to the shadows of night but still crowned with red/orange light. Pines all around. Everywhere. And the sound of water somewhere. Hatori. I had been empty without his rhythm. My heart had only beaten half as strongly without it. Without him. I usually write more about being with him, but...I don't know...there just aren't words eloquent enough, deep enough, passionate or warm or loving or amazing enough to even *begin* to describe that night. Magic. That's the closest approximation to that night that the language can muster. I felt like I was surrounded by magic. I really wish I could say more. Maybe I should be less long-winded anyway. I always write so much. Do others write this much? Probably not. Just another one of my stupidness qualities, I guess. When I start writing, usually that is, things just pour out of my fingers and they won't stop. Flowing like water. I love words. The only subect I was ever good in was writing. I don't know why it appeals to me, I'm not good with other languages...just with Japanese. Odd. Oh well. Man...love is amazing. -Kazuma

(Sing me a song) (private) I...I sleep much better at night.... [03 Jul 2003|03:39pm] [ mood | rejuvenated ] [ music | Nobody Knows Me - Madonna ] ...I feel closer to the light... Hatori came over last night. It was like heaven. Heaven on Earth. All the happiness I had lost and all the anxiety I had had over the last two months slid away from me like it was all just a dream. But it wasn't. It had made me stronger. And it had strengthened my love for him. It was two, threefold what it had been. I love him so completely that it wrenches my heart just thinking about it. He called yesterday, early afternoon. When I heard his voice, I almost didn't believe it was really him. All my veins started throbbing and I got dizzy and his voice washed over me and it was amazing. He was back. He was talking to me. He began begging my forgiveness. Asking for *MY* forgiveness. *ASKING* for my forgiveness. Asking for my *FORGIVENESS.* There is something wrong with that situation. I never dreamed I would be in the position to grant Souma Hatori forgiveness. I don't have that power. I'm not in that position. It's unreal. I couldn't even believe he was asking me. Why? It didn't regisiter. Besides, it didn't matter anyway. I had forgiven him before he had even called. It turns out he had been ill. *Dangerously* ill. Of course he didn't say that, because he hates it when others worry about him and he hates talking about himself in any way that he might think selfish. I know he wouldn't want it to look like he was using saying how ill he had been as an excuse of any kind. But before I realized how serious it had been, I just couldn't understand why he didn't contact me at all. Then he dropped a couple discreet clues about the seriousness of it all, and my heart almost stopped beating. Then my stomach lurched and my eyes blurred. I might have been close to loosing him, and I didn't even know it. For a moment, I felt like I was dangling over an abyss. Then I came back to myself and realized he was alive, he was here, he was talking to me, and I knew he was healthy again, because he would have never called if he wasn't. I breathed in and breathed out. He was here. I loved him. It was real. It was okay. Then he thanked me. *sigh* Why is he thanking me...I didn't do anything...I didn't do *anything*...but I knew he didn't want to hear that, just like Aya-chan doesn't want to hear it, so I said, "No, thank you." He knew I didn't want to hear why he didn't deserve that, so he didn't say anything. Then I told him that I loved him. Truly, deeply. And that I had loved him the whole, entire time. He gasped my name, and I told him that he didn't have to say anything, that I just wanted him to know. That's all. Then he said something that made me hurt deep inside, in a place I didn't know existed. He said he didn't deserve my love. He said he didn't deserve my love. It turned me inside out. It twisted my guts and my mind. Then he said that despite that, despite how selfish it was of him, that he wanted my love. So many things were flying through my mind. Like a vortex. Half of me was bursting in happiness because he wanted me. HE WANTED ME. Half of me was churning in misery and sadness because he thought it was selfish to want to be loved by someone. All I could do was ask him why on earth he thought that was selfish. He said because he didn't deserve it, then told me to hush, and that no matter what he said, I wouldn't like it and he couldn't explain it. "I don't care right now why you say that," I said desperately. "all I want you to know is that it's not true. I would give you my love if you hated me. It sounds cheesy, but it's so goddamn true, Hatori..." His next words broke my heart and put it back together. "Thank you...love." He loves me. He really does. He really does. Hatori loves me. Souma Hatori loves me. Oh god. It was the last piece to my happiness. Kyou, Aya-chan, and Hatori. It's complete now. I've restarted. This is the time when I become truly happy. Truly peaceful. Although myself and those I love may face hardships later on, I am at peace. Even if I am sorrowful and torn on the surface, that place deep inside will be whole and constant. It is a feeling that is unlike any other. You can't even describe it. The knowledge that you are solid, complete, LOVED...it's incredible. I really couldn't stop myself. I was really going to cry. I mean, the pieces of my world had just parted and zoomed around and come back together in a totally new fashion. I warned Hatori, and he said that if I did that he wouldn't be able to perform his job correctly all afternoon. He asked me if I had time for him to come over in the evening. Ha. Do I have time for him. What a question. I'd have time for him if I had classes 25 hours a day. So he came. And it was heaven. Heaven on Earth. More later. Have to go to class... ...I am lifted up. -Kazuma

(5 songs | Sing me a song) (public) I'm in love with you...you silly thing,... [01 Jul 2003|01:35pm] [ mood | jubilant ] [ music | Nothing Fails - Madonna ] I'm in love with you You silly thing Anyone can see What is it with you, You silly thing Just take it from me It was not a chance meeting Feel my heart beating You're the one You could take all this Take it away And I'd still have it all Cause I've climbed the tree of life And that is why No longer scared if I fall When I get lost in space I can return to this place 'cause You're the one Nothing fails No more fears Nothing fails You washed away my tears Nothing fails No more fears Nothing fails Nothing fails I'm not religious But I feel so moved Makes me want to pray, Pray you'll always be here I'm not religious But I feel such love Makes me want to pray When I get lost in space I can return to this place Cause, you're the one I'm not religious But I feel so moved, mmmmmmm I'm not religious Makes me wanna pray I'm not religious But I feel so moved, mmmmmmm I'm not religious Makes me want to PRAY. Nothing fails No more fears Nothing fails You washed away my tears Nothing fails No more fears Nothing fails I have regained my heart. I have regained my love. Hatori is back. You silly thing... -Kazuma

(Sing me a song) (private) Although you're far away I...finally found a way...to see you... [28 Jun 2003|10:13am] [ mood | relaxed ] [ music | Slip Away - Si Se ] Last night I think I finally understood Ayame. I met him online for the first time, which was neat...we IMed for a loooong time. We talked about all kinds of stuff...and I think I got too serious for him more than once, he always changed the subject back after a while. I know Aya-chan doesn't like to be serious. But...I had to get some stuff off my shoulders and tell it to *someone*...I don't know why I had to talk about it all of the sudden, but I think the slightly less personal air of the IM made me think that it would be the right way to go about it, since Aya-chan doesn't like when I get serious. I told him about my past. About my alcoholic druggie father who got sent to prison when I was a very young child, about five, and how my mother had a terminal illness my whole life and I was the only one who could take care of her because we didn't have enough money for nurses or good doctors or anything. The Souma doctor saw her a couple times, but of course she wasn't a large concern of theirs. Although our family was in the second highest rank of Souma, right under the Juunishi, we still were not looked after very well. Especially since we were related to a cat. So I had no friends when I was a kid because all my time was spent looking after my mother, and I couldn't really talk to her about anything because I didn't want to burden her with my thoughts. The couple times I did try, she gave very vague commentary and acted like it was of little consequence what I though about anything. Even though I do know she loved me dearly and I should have talked to her more. No one else did. She always used to play with my hair, though. I seriously think she had wanted a girl. Whenever I actually got her out to a park, she would always gaze longingly at the little girls who played there. My best, most peaceful memories of my mother were when she played with my hair. Whenever anyone does that, it makes me happy and nostalgic, kind of dreamy even. My mother died when I was 16, and after struggling even more than I usually did through that year of school, and deciding to raise Kyou, I dropped out and started the dojo. I was always horrible at school anyway. I'm incredibly stupid in academics. I told Aya-chan that I had seen him once at school when the middleschoolers were touring the high school, and become enthralled with him; so much so that I followed him around all day trying to get the gall up to talk to him. When I had finally mustered the balls, I walked up behind him... ...and fell flat on my fool face. And then gotten trampled by the student body. Itai dashita ne. After I told him this, he said that I should have tried to talk to him again, and that he would have wanted a date with me immediately. He said he remembered what I looked like and said I was incredibly hot (yeah, whatever) and that he loves shy boys. We then, by his request, roleplayed what would have happened if I had spoken to him. It was silly and embarrassing, but it was fun. He talked about his past too. About how his mother only payed attention to Yuki, only did anything for Yuki. That made a kind of fire burn inside me. I hate the Juunishi hierarchy. I hate how Yuki takes it in stride when no one else pays attention to it anymore. I know he has reasons. I KNOW, goddammit. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. He did tell me that his father was very kind, though, and how he once bought him a bunch of beautiful dresses when he was a kid, and let him wear them at his workplace and ride around on his shoulders. That warmed me. Then Aya-chan sent me a link for some lingerie he wanted to buy. I couldn't bring myself to click it, and I told him why: because if I saw it, I would want to have sex with him. He asked what the problem was, and I sighed...I was going to feel oldfashioned again. So I asked him. Because I needed to know. Exactly what did he consider sex? Is it different with different people? Does it mean anything to him? Are his reasons different with different people? I just couldn't do anything else with him until I knew. Because when he had gone down on me that other time, all I could feel from him was lust, and that makes me confused and makes me feel unloyal and dirty. He told me that with people he loved, it was to express love. It was to pleasure both of them and to know that he had dome something to pleasure them, and to show how much he cared for them. He said he communicates through his body. And that all the people he loves, he loves in the same way. Then I understood. And I asked him for the link. ( A Deeper Connection ) We had to wake up early. T_T I drove him to the shop and he bid me farewell. Again, I felt panfully lonely as I returned to my empty, cold dojo. I need someone. I need someone here with me. Hatori's birthday is coming up. -Kazuma

(Sing me a song) (private) I feel so far from where I've been... [28 Jun 2003|12:42am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | You Were Meant for Me - Jewel ] Last Thursday and Friday, Kyou and I went on a trip to see Mt Fuji. It was wonderful. It was really special and memorable to me. I really love Kyou, and I realize how I made the right decision all those years ago every time I wake up in the morning and he's there, any time I see his face or hear him. He is mine and I am his, and he is my most important person. We first went to Kofu and when we got there, we went out to eat. The food was slightly different from what we're used to, but then again I'm not used to eating much, so I can't really talk. It was quite good though. I've always been a fan of food. That's why it's so devistating to me that I can't cook. I always eat really crappily during the times when no one is here with me. And that's more often than not. *sigh* Anyway. After that we stopped by a few places to pick up some little souveniers for people back home. I had to talk Kyou into it, as he detests shopping, but we got through it and then went to the hotel. Now I figured since I never spend anything, I would get us a top-grade establishment for our hotel. It was pretty western, with a personal hot tub and one of those crazy fancy toilets and everything. There was this humongeous remote that we thought was for the TV, it had one of those little computer screen thingies and everything, and Kyou started trying to figure out how to turn the TV on with it. He pressed one button and nothing happened. He pressed a second button.... ...and the toilet flushed. The TOILET flushed. The toilet FLUSHED. Okay, now I know I'm not exactly Mr. Know-It-All with technology, but in my opinion, there should be no need for a REMOTE for your TOILET. I was seriously confused. I mean, we're waiting for the TV to come on, and all the sudden, *flussssshhhhhhhhhhhhh* It was the weirdest thing ever. But, DAMN, was it funny. Man. The look on Kyou's face was priceless. I started laughing and let me tell you, I couldn't stop. Kyou actually chuckled a little too. We tried to find the same button and do it again, but we couldn't. Finally Kyou got the TV turned on, but by then I was curious about that toilet. A remote control toilet. This just blew my mind. Most technology confuses the hell out of me, but THIS was beyond anything I had ever witnessed. It had this big set of buttons to the right of it, and it did all sorts of stuff. There was this thing that squirted water up at you instead of toilet paper...um...I think Kyou called it a bidet, or something French-sounding. I'm not good with languages either. Anyway, I liked this bidet thing...later on I went in there with a little photo of Hari I had... That night, we talked a lot. It made me so happy when Kyou said it wouldn't bother him if we talked seriously about what was bothering me. I guess somehow he knew I was nervous about trying to talk to him. I was so glad when he invited me to explain...I had wanted to know his thoughts on the subject, but was too afraid to ask. Of course, I told him first about my worries with Hatori. He asked me if it wasn't time to just let him go. But...I told him I wasn't at that point yet. I'm still very much in love with him. And I know, knowing him, that he's probably just having a tough time now and wants to be alone. But I also know, knowing him, that it would be better if he would talk to someone about it. He's such a hermit when he gets himself in a fix like that. Kyou said I should do something about it then. I know I should. I'm going to. Soon. Very soon. I guess he thought he was depressing me or something, and I guess I do get rather sad when I think of Hari. So he started asking me about Aya-chan, which of course cheered me immediately. However, he ended up asking something I NEVER thought I'd hear Kyou mention in my lifetime. I seriously did a doubletake to make sure he had said what I thought he had. He asked me if I had has sex with Aya. I said no, not really...I didn't go into detail because I was still scared of wigging him out. 'No,' I thought to myself, 'just a blowjob. Nothing more.' I told him that we were just very, very good friends and nothing more. I knew he believed me, which made me feel good and trusted, and he said he understood how Aya-chan was. It got me to wondering... Anyway. I won't go down that road. The next day, after a wonderful rest, the likes of which I hadn't had in a while (I used to sleep like a log...what happened to that?! Tell me! I want it back! T_T), we scaled Fuji-san. There have been few times when I've had as much fun in my life. You have to have strong lungs for that...even Kyou and I, in our highly-above-average physical condition, were sucking wind when we got closer to the top. Oh well...we did very well. We went both up and down, by ourselves. Some people were going down into the actual crater, but we didn't have the right equipment for that...I had forgot about that particular aspect of Fuji-san. Oh yeah, Kazuma, it's a volcano. DERF. Just how I am, I guess. I forget the actual numbers, but it was really high. I was proud of the both of us for accomplishing it. *beams* Yay for us. After that, we just had time to pack and leave. Little did we know, a little party was waiting for us at the dojo...Momiji, Tohru, Haru, Yuki, Shigure, and Aya-chan were all there to welcome us back. It made me feel really...warm inside. That people would take time out of their day to welcome us. And that the kids taught my classes for me. I'm getting used to this being close to people thing....and I'm pretty sure I'm liking it. Yeah. I'm liking it a lot. But...I have to admit...when I saw Shigure and Aya-chan there...my heart leapt in my chest, and I blurted out, "Is Hatori here?" Everyone turned to look at me, and their faces held so much...pity ... it made me feel like a little child in front of everyone, asking when his dead mother was coming back. It made me feel stupid. Immature. It made everyone uncomfortable. Like they were at a funeral or something. They all looked at their feet, and Aya-chan came over and hugged me. I felt so idiotic. So...so...idiotic. But hey. I should be used to that feeling by now. I've lived with it for my whole life. But for whatever reason, it never goes away. Conversation finally started up again after a few minutes, and the atmosphere was relaxed again after than pretty quickly. Aya-chan whispered in my ear that it was okay and he understood. I know he did. He's seen so much. I could never say I've seen more than he has. That's why I can trust him. I feel like I'm younger than he is when I'm with him. Like I'm a teenager. It's weird, because I'm so, so different now than I was then. Kyou opened me up, helped me to be more relaxed and more comfortable with who I am and the few abilities that I do have and that I excel at. Kyou, Ayame, and Hatori. The three I love most. -Kazuma

(5 songs | Sing me a song) (public) Omae o korosu [27 Jun 2003|06:11pm] [ mood | awake ] [ music | Grip! - Every Little Thing ] Happy Deathday! Your name: kyou_no_shishou You will die on: Tuesday, August 9, 2016 You will die of: Heart Disease (High Blood Pressure) Username: Created by Quill High blood pressure, huh? That doesn't sound like me...well, maybe it'll be from having too much sex or something...ROFL I wouldn't mind that too awfully much. XD But...wouldn't that make your blood pressure lower? I know it relaxes ME, anyway...@_@ (confused) Anyway...2016?! Goddamn! Kyou, help me write my will! That's like 13 more years...>_< I won't even get over the hill! *bawls* -Kazuma

(5 songs | Sing me a song) (public) Har... [24 Jun 2003|06:36pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | Owarinai Yume - Aikawa Nanase ] kyou_no_shishou's LiveJournal Slut Stats The below percentages indicate what kyou_no_shishou has done with the 7 people on his friends list! met 100.0% hugged 57.1% dated 14.3% seen topless 85.7% seen naked 71.4% made out 28.6% oral sex 28.6% fucked 14.3% What are your LiveJournal Slut Stats? Support our sponsor and help pay bandwidth costs: Looking for CHEAP perscription stimulant 'appetite suppressants'? Why go to the doctors office when you can order them online from us? Don't resort to the street! No prior perscription required! Heh heh...I'm afraid most of the naked-sightings were due to transformation...#-_-# -Kazuma

(4 songs | Sing me a song) (public) Doumo arigato gozainmashita [19 Jun 2003|01:03pm] [ mood | thankful ] [ music | HAYATOCHI remix - Utada Hikaru (Kyou made me change it T_T) ] This is a post to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone who replied to my rather idiotic and embarrassing public post. I really needed support at that time, and this whole family has shown me more love and help than I ever would have imagined I would recieve. I really can't thank any of you enough. From the bottom of my heart. I know it sounds utterly retarded, but it's true, and I feel like I should say something. Amazing thanks to my son Kyou, dearest Aya-chan, caring Mine-san, sweet Momiji, and Hiro, who I hardly even know, but still offered encouraging words. Thank you thank you thank you all so much. All my love, -Kazuma

(Sing me a song) (private) For you, I'd be a poor man's wife.... [19 Jun 2003|12:40pm] [ mood | nervous ] [ music | Morning Song - Jewel ] Kyou and I are going on a road trip! XD We're visiting Fuji-san and staying in a hotel at Kofu, ans going to the ocean too! I don't know how well he'll really like the water, but...we'll go if he's in the mood. I'm so happy about it. Kyou convinced me to rent a better car...T_T I love my old POS car! It was my dad's...^_^ I don't think Kyou knows that though. Sore wa himitsu desu! XD Maaan, I watched too much anime when I was a kid... I'm hoping that Kyou and I can become more comfortable with eachother...I'd really like to have him to talk to, and every time he's been willing to open up and have a talk with me, he offers VERY good advice and always makes me feel good about myself, which is a rare feeling for me. Maybe I can be more carefree and show more of my real self, and see what he does. Just a little bit, though. I don't want to scare him away. T_T I'm really, really nervous...What if he gets sick of me after being with just me for all that time?? But I'm just going to see what happens. I would have had to see sometime. Now is better than never. After posting that public post when I was so down...I don't know exactly why I made it public...I think it was a cry for help. Also to see if Hari would say anything, but I didn't think he would. I ALSO didn't think I would recieve ANY replies....much less, support. From more or less the entire family. I was astounded. Aya-chan. Mine-san, Momiji, Kyou, HIRO, who I hardly even know and have seen about a total of twice in my life. It made me feel so loved, so cared about. It lifted me up in ways I wasn't expecting. I'm still rather down, but not NEARLY as much as I was. ^_^ It REALLY made me happy that Kyou replied...I was kind of scared when I saw his name under the replies, thinking I might have terrified him with my idiotic behavior, but...he was just as loving and helpful as everyone else. Even if he DID make fun of me for my music. T_T Why am I such a dork? Actually, he's screaming at me right now to turn it off...T_T *cries* WAAAAH KYOU, HIDOI! X0 Anyway, my heart thanks everyone who posted to my public post. XD I love them all so much! Actually, I think I'm gonna do a public post to thank them all. ^_^ *I sit on the front porch...the sun can warm my feet...* -Kazuma

(13 songs | Sing me a song) (public) Doko...naze...aishiteru.... [15 Jun 2003|08:45pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Foolish Games - Jewel ] You took your coat off Stood in the rain You're always crazy like that As I watched from my window I always felt I was outside Looking in on you You were always the mysterious one with Dark eyes and careless hair you were Fashionably sensitive but too cool to care You stood in my doorway with nothing to say Besides some comment on the weather Well in case you failed to notice In case you failed to see This is my heart bleeding before you This is me down on my knees And these foolish games are Tearing me apart And your thoughtless words are Breaking my heart... You're breaking my heart... You're always brilliant In the morning Smoking your cigarettes And talking Over coffee Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you You loved Mozart And you'd speak of loved ones as I Clumbsily strummed my guitar You'd teach me of honest things, of Things that were daring, things that were clean Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean So I hid my soiled hands behind my back Somewhere along the line I must've Gone Off Track with you... Excuse me, I think I've mistaken you for Somebody else Somebody who gave a damn Somebody more like myself... And these Foolish game are Tearing me Tearing me Tearing me apart And your thoughtless words are Breaking my heart... They're breaking my heart... You took your coat off... Stood in the rain... You're always crazy like that... I called Hatori. He didn't answer. I started to leave a message. About how much I missed him. Where was he. What did I do. Then I started crying. I didn't stop for three minutes. Then I hung up. Hatori. Where are you. Come back to me. Please. Please.

(Sing me a song) (private) Please be careful with me... [13 Jun 2003|06:43pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | I'm Sensitive - Jewel ] ...I'm sensitive, and I'd like to stay that way. Yesterday, Aya-chan left. It hurt. It left a hole. Kyou left too. It took away my warmth. I feel like a little child sitting here. I'm cold and alone. The warm breeze is blowing through my house. I'm having a little trouble feeling it. I used to be okay with being alone. I meditated, I practiced martial arts, things like that. But these people have come into my heart and burrowed deep inside. When they're not here with me, I feel like part of my body is being stretched across a long, wide distance and that it's almost snapping. It hurts. I'm confused...I'm a little confused...and I don't know who to go to to talk about it. My first choice would be Hari, but he's not here and he doesn't answer when I call and he doesn't reply to my messages. That's the first time I've mentioned it at all. The first time I've admitted it to myself. I was thinking, maybe he's been too busy to check them. Maybe he doesn't know they're there. Maybe maybe maybe maybe, no Kazuma. He gets them. He's not answering. Aya-chan and I crossed a line last night, I don't know how I feel about it. So confused. I was sleeping, and Aya-chan came into my room to wake me up. He said he was sorry, but I told him that I always had a moment to spare for his pretty face, and kissed him on the forehead. He sat up then, and said, "My thoughts exactly." I was a little confused then...until he bent down like a arched tulip and placed a chaste kiss on my lips. Little drops of honey and questioning and love. It was small and fast and unsure. His name bounced off my lips unexpectedly, and I wanted to keep feeling that warmth that he had. I was cold and lonely, laying there before I had been asleep, thinking and dreaming and wishing about Hatori...Hatori... Aya-chan kissed me again, more firmly this time. I love Aya-chan, he is a source of strength to me. He gives me overflowing love and care. I was feeling so weak. I wanted to borrow some strength from him, for him to give me courage. More than anything, I wanted to be warm. I was groping blindly towards that warmth. I had to then. He ran his tongue over my rough mouth. His is so soft. I feel every time I kiss him like I'm going to rip his skin, it's so delicate and petal-like. It's like drinking ambrosia, kissing Ayame. It makes you feel like an angel, and he's God, giving you a taste of Heaven and offering nothing but love. All he is is love. It's pure. It's beautiful. He's like Jesus. Ayame is Jesus. Ha. I awoke from my thoughts when Aya-chan straddled me and clutched my shoulder, placing feather kisses along my neck and chest. Red angry alarm bells went off in my head...NO KAZUMA NO KAZUMA NO KAZUMA. I stopped him, and he looked like he had been in the middle of starting to smoke a joint and you had taken it away from him and stepped on it. Clouded and unaware, little storms of lust swirling in his eyes. He asked me why I had stopped him...I told him why. I always feel stupid explaining to Ayame my point of view on sex issues. It makes me feel stuffy and old-fashoined and narrow-minded. I don't want to be that way. But I am. I'm kind of like a dog that way, I guess...I'm fiercely, sometimes scarily loyal and I always get uncomfortable when anything is mentioned having to do with straying in any way from someone I love. But...I love both Hatori and Aya...in totally different ways...but...equally... Aya-chan stopped for the moment. I was glad. I didn't want to have to make a decision. So he just asked me to hold him, and it made me feel relieved and loving. I held him to me like a lifeline. I love him so much. He is my brother. My inspiration. My strength, my superior equal. Doesn't make much sense, does it? I don't get it either. He said my kisses were very soft. I am a very soft person. I think I'm like butter, or a stuffed animal. Soft and simple. Soft and simple. He asked me if Hatori liked my kisses. I laughed and said I didn't know, I'm not a mind-reader. He asked, well then, did he kiss me a lot when we were together? His strong pine lips on mine. His strong pointy tongue in my mouth. His piercing pine/ocean eyes on mine. His beautiful thin pine-scented body under mine. His little shy smile shining up at me. Hatori. "...Yes." He asked me how long it had been since I had seen him, it had been about a month. A month. It seems like a year. Years. He said, at least you still *want* to see him again. Oh god. "More than anything...more than anything..." And before I knew it, I was crying again. Like a baby. Like a child. Maybe that's why Hari doesn't answer my messages. Aya got frantic for a moment, trying to cheer me up and change the subject. Sweet Aya. He knows I don't like it when I cry. He doesn't like it either. Sweet Aya. He asked me about when Shigure had come up, and asked me what they had talked about. I teasted him a little and stalled from telling him, since he wanted to know so badly, but soon enough he was squirming and squealing and showering my face in kisses in his excitement and impatience. I calmed him down and told him what Shigure had said. About him, that is. About how much he missed him and worried over him and was scared that Akito had hurt him. Aya-chan didn't seem too concerned, he seemed to think Shigure was silly for worrying about this. He even agreed with me when I told him that Shigure had thought that if he asked Aya himself, he wouldn't be told the truth. It made me a little irate, how he was being so casual about Shigure's deep, serious feelings. I tried to explain to him how Shigure had felt. I started thinking back on the experience and trying to put into words what Shigure had looked like when he had spoken of not being told the truth by Aya, and of missing him. When I thought back on it...it was like...for just a moment...someone else's words were flowing through me, through my head and out my mouth, just for this express purpose. It was weird. Something I have only felt a couple other times in my life. I said, "He looked like he was missing something...something that he had a long time ago." I hope Aya will tell him the truth. Then Aya changed the subject back to something more light. He and Shigure have that in common. They keep things happy and light, when they start traveling down a sadder road. Sometimes that's a good thing, and sometimes it's not. He asked me if I had really gotten as painfully hard as I had told him I had the night when he came out in that little lycra number. I rolled my eyes exasperatedly, and told him yes, he had, and it had only taken me a half a minute to get off. He then asked me if he could see my penis. What?? It was so random I didn't even know what was going on as he tried to get me out of my robe. It was just twirling around me, the situation, it was just flying by. I think my brain was trying to force a protest out of my mouth, but it never quite got there. I was sitting there dumbfounded, like an observer to something that was happening to someone else, while my brain continued to try valiantly to do something about the whole matter. He got the robe off of everything BUT my cock, and halted in his search. Apparently he was breathtaken with my body. I know I'm fit and have some muscles, but I'm still rather lean. I don't look built. Just strong. I'm cut simply, rather thinly, with broad shoulders and nothing much else. You can see the muscle clearly, don't get me wrong, but it's kind of compact. All strung together very densely, one solid thick layer of muscle under my skin. You almost can't feel or see which muscle is which. I think that's odd about me. He praised it, said he felt like he wanted to bow down and worship it (-_-;; I am SO not worth worshipping...), and then proceeded to fling the rest of my garment off with abandon. Well, there it was. My cock. He gasped like he had just won the Nobel Prize, and leaned down so he was eye level with it. I was seriously braindead by this point. I wasn't processing much of anything. I couldn't even move. Deer in the headlights. Go me. His fingers ghosted over it. Like butterfly wings. He was saying something. My brain took care of exhibiting the fact that I was alive and semi-conscious, but not much more. It still wanted to protest. It tried it's best. Sorry buddy. Sometimes things just don't go your way. *pets brain consolingly* His fingers wrapped around it. Slowly. Slowly putting more and more pressure there. Slowly starting to move up and down. Silk roughness with those callouses...I always end up mentioning those things in every entry about Aya's physical appearance. I guess...they're endearing in a way. Somehow, they make him and even more amazing person. Somehow. I'm an idiot anyway. My brain tried, but it bit the dust when Aya suddenly, out of the blue, went down on me. Out of nowhere, not even expecting it in the least at all in no way, this searing wet tight heat was over me. I didn't even realize it wasn't over all of me. When it *did* suddenly cover all of me, going deeper and hotter and tighter, and he moaned into me and it did things to my head that made me think this wasn't really happening, and mae my heart vibrate. He had a rhythm, a very, VERY particular one, like water, morphing to fit it's surroundings. Very exact. Very thoughtful. An odd, hypnotizing rhythm, a calculating, careful, but very caring rhythm. So very unlike Hatori's rhythm...Hatori's rhythm that completed my life and put together my pieces and made me die and revive again and spoke of all the meaning my life had and fit with me like a stone block that I had been broken from when my soul was created. Hatori's rhythm was basic, craving, soulful, loving, passionate, yearning. So different, those two. I realized that I was getting rather loud, so I covered my face with what little resolve I had left. Right before I came, however, Aya blindly reached up and took it off, causing me to clench my teeth and hold back the exclamation that my throat wanted to emit. I came in his mouth and he took it like an expert, not missing a single drop and not getting any on his face. Ayame. The sex god. Everyone's dream uke. He was an erotic wish come true. I felt honored. But all I had felt from him had been lust. I *know* he truly loves me. There's no question in my mind about that. But all he had *wanted*, as in sexually, had been my body. He also did it to make me happy. To try and cheer me. It made me confused. My heart raced as my brain mulled over what had just happened, and I felt Aya's hand come to rest right over the beating organ. I felt it thump wildly against his smooth, silk palm and rough, spider fingers for a few minutes, then spoke. I asked him if he felt bad about it. He said no. I asked him if he was sad that we had both lost and gained something between us. I felt...weird about it. I...it sounds blatantly retarded, but...I had felt special. Knowing that I was his first platonic friend. Knowing that something about me was different. Special. Like there was something holy between us. He said no, and worriedly asked if I *wanted* him to feel bad. I went right on to the next question, how did he think Hatori would feel about this. He asked me if I would feel upset if he and Hatori had sex. I said no. It was true. He said, Hatori won't mind at all. I'll only feel better about THAT part of the whole thing when I talk to Hatori about it. If he answers my calls. I then remembered that I had wanted to talk to Aya-chan about my self-esteem issues. How I dislike my personality. I like the base person I am. I don't like how I act when I'm not thinking. When I'm being myself. I think I act ridiculous. I'm overly-sensitive, overly-emotional, silly, random, too touchy-feely. I love physical contact. Embraces, little kisses. I love that. Maybe I shouldn't. I told him I had started thinking about it when Mine had called, and he had thought that was overly-strange, which I didn't understand. We don't have the right to call eachother strange. We're all strange in different ways. It was done out of caring. That's all that matters. I'm simple like that. He told me I was an amazing person, that I should be myself all the time, that everyone who knew the real me loved me even more than before, and I said that I thought I acted like a raving fool, which he didn't understand. He said there was nothing wrong with me, and that perhaps I just have to learn to like that me before I can show it to other people. I guess he's right. He just told me over and over how great and amazing and wonderful I was, and I could see in his eyes and feel from his heart that he was telling the absolute truth about what he thought. I almost couldn't believe it, but his conviction almost burned me. Something then dawned on me, and I told it to him. I was afraid of being me because of Kyou. Because everything I am is everything that scares him away. Touchy-feely. Excited. Loving. Open. Honest. Silly. I felt like if I acted like that around him, that he would shield himself from me in order to avoid those things. That's the very, very last thing I want. Ayame said I was wrong. He said Kyou would love me no matter what, through anything. He said that as his father, I should teach him about how to love people and how to be with people. He said I should have been doing that since he was a small child...which I partially agree with, but...Ayame hadn't seen Kyou as a child, really...especially around me...skittish and afraid as a beaten animal, one wrong move, one too-soon embrace or declaration of love, and back into himself he went. But I knew what Aya-chan was saying. And I knew it was true. I'm just too scared and weak to do anything about it. I hate that about myself. And hate is a strong word. We went to sleep then. Curled up together. So tight. So loving. I love him. My brother. Aya-chan. He's both my younger brother and my older brother. My younger brother who inspires me, keeps me young, adores me and loves on me, that I watch over and protect; and my older brother, that I go to when I'm confused and lost and who I call late at night when I'm sad, and who I rely on to be there when I'm tired. He's gone now. Back to the shop. I miss him. Not as much as Hatori though. Hatori. Come back to me. Someone. Come back to me. Hug me. Please be careful with me. I'm sensitive, and I'd... I'd like... Why's it gotta be so complicated... ....... I feel like a little child today. -Kazuma

(Sing me a song) (private) Temptation, thou art pure evil... [10 Jun 2003|12:36pm] [ mood | horny ] [ music | Fly High - Hamasaki Ayumi ] I should have posted this earlier...oh well...more about the evening... After my classes were over, Aya-chan, Kyou and I had dinner. Both Aya-chan and Kyou cooked for me, while I sat there, helpless, feeling like an idiot. Am I the only person on Earth who can't cook?? The food was wonderful though, and we had pleasant conversation while we ate. Afterwards, we all went outside and sat on the porch in the beautiful evening weather. I asked Aya-chan to braid my hair again, and he readily complied as I laid my head in his lap. I think Aya-chan and my comfort level unnerves Kyou. Does he think we sleep together? He's a very sensitive boy...like myself, but in a different way...Aya-chan asked him questions about he and Momiji's relationship, questions which I had been too scared to ask. I hadn't wanted Kyou to think I was prying and then close up to me. Aya-chan asked him how their sex life was going, and I have to admit I was interested. He IS my son, and I'd like to know what sort of escapades he's getting himself into. I don't mind at all that he's having sex with Momiji, I just want him to be careful and everything. When Aya-chan posed this question, Kyou went beet red and darted his eyes to mine before looking at the ground. "Goddamn pervert..." he mumbled, obviously incredibly embarrassed. I never like when Kyou is uncomfortable. "Aya-chan, leave him alone," I chided gently, and Ayame swiftly changed the subject. Kyou was nervous after that though...maybe because he didn't want me to know he was having sex. I had already known, from the way he and Momiji act around one another, but I knew he hadn't realized. I briefly wondered if Momiji was the only person Kyou had had sex with, but of course I didn't say anything. We spent a little more time being peaceful and happy, Kyou calming down and just watching Aya-chan braid my hair. Then, surprisingly, he began to ask us about our friendship. "Um...how long...have you been friends with Shishou?" Aya-chan smiled warmly, one of his most loving smiles. "Not long enough, Kyou-kun. Just since recently." He looked back down to his work on my hair, still smiling so softly. "Your father is a great, great man, you know." My cheeks became a little pink against my will, and I looked away. Why am I so great? "...I know," replied Kyou. I still couldn't look towards him, I was still pink. I just pretended like I wasn't there, like I was slipping into the ground. I could never take a compliment. I'm simple, I'm plain. There's nothing special about me. I'm a good man, but nothing amazing. Not a great man. Not by a long shot. Aya-chan then got kind of wistful, a far-away look in his eyes. "I can only wish that...my father had been so amazing." My eyes widened. I really couldn't take this. I couldn't believe this. There is NOTHING so great about me that someone else would want someone like me as their father. No way. Kyou was also stunned into silence. I guessed absently that he had never heard Aya-chan speak so deeply about himself. He always spoke of others, or about his own characteristics. Never about his life. I don't even know his past. We sat there in nice silence for a little longer, the warm breeze coming up the mountain and playing through Aya-chan's beautiful platinum hair. It's hypnotizing, really, to see that snowy, silk hair falling all around you like a canopy and those piercing soulful loving honey sunset eyes gazing down into you. The calming presence of my son, like a fireplace, by my side. Kyou is like a fireplace. He can be very dangerous to those who mistreat him, but all he can offer those who love him is warmth and comfort. He is my home. He is my resolution. He is where I belong and my most loved, most important person. He will always be my centre. My heart. After a while, Kyou announced he was going to bed. We wished him a good night's sleep, and after a couple more minutes we went inside ourselves. Aya-chan suddenly got very excited. He told me he had a surprise for me. This startled me...people didn't get me surprises very often. I had to admit I was a little giddy as to what it could be, like a little kid at Christmas... Man oh man...how I'd love to see what he got me sitting under my Christmas tree... "Open your eyes," I heard his low, sultry voice say to me. I complied. Aya had strutted out in a skin-tight laytex mini skirt, thigh-highs with garters, tall black heels, and a black tube top. The black clashed beautifully with his lightning eyes, and the white hair accented everything. He slunk over to me, doing little turns and exhibiting his outfit before me. I was quickly going braindead. I think my eyes were about to fall out of my head. I felt myself rapidly getting hard, faster than ever before. It usually takes so long...>_<;; I just tried to breathe normally and calm myself down...he asked me if I liked it and I tried to say "Yes," but nothing came out. Then Aya strutted over to a table and places his hands on it, leaning over and wiggling his ass at me, just *asking* to be screwed right then and there. I don't think a hard-on has EVER been so painful. Are they supposed to get that painful? I stuttered like a blatant fool and said I had to go to the bathroom, to which I ran like I was on fire. I set about getting myself off as fast as I could, which was NO chore...all my cock wanted at that second was tight, slick, hot ass, but my hand would have to do. I was breathless. Absolutely breathless. I have never seen anything so erotic in my life. I don't think ANYONE ON EARTH has. I think Souma Ayame is walking erotica. He's sex on legs. All the time. No one is more sexy than him. Not even Hari. Don't get me wrong, Hari is definitely second place, but DAMN... Aya-chan kept talking through the door about how "he didn't even get a kiss for all his hard work" and "would I like some help with that." His voice only made me come faster. Jesus Christ...I've got an erection just writing about it...goddamn it... -Kazuma

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